Suck it World

As I approached this stage of life, I said that I would not be like my friends before me. I promised myself that I would not get into a slump about where I was in life. I promised myself that I would not feel sorry for myself or where I was. I promised myself that I would take life and live it to the fullest no matter the situation I was in. I promised that I would be in the moment and live in the moment. However, I have found myself approaching hard times and in those times it is harder for me to keep my promises to myself.  It is hard for to live my life happily and no regrets even though I chose this for myself. I am happy where I am at and I can continually say that to myself, but the truth is that at times it is killing me.

We leave college and go into the world expected to be great. We hold ourselves to a higher standard and push ourselves to be great. If we do not feel that we are great or doing anything, we do not see what we are actually doing. People can tell us that we are doing great things and that we are making a difference, but it doesn't mean anything unless we believe it ourselves. And then we fall into this thought of how lame we truly are and how we are going nowhere. We fall into this trap of how we aren't doing anything with our lives. And all we can do is not listen to the lies, but be motivated instead. We have to see what we are doing here and grow from it.

As I am in this time of trial and hardship, I must push myself harder. I must be motivated instead of torn down. Most of all, I must realize that I am doing something and that I am making a difference. I can't be too anxious about the next step, but need to be present where I am at.

Longing

I have to be at work in the matter of only a few hours, but I cannot fall asleep. I lay here and I think that I am going to fall asleep when I start to feel unsettled yet again. As I sit here and pray to God, he brings Psalm 63 to my heart. David praises God for how great he is. He explains how his soul thirsts for God. His flesh faints god God. He has this indescribable joy that is compared to a deep hunger for food. As I read through the psalm over and over again, the more I desire God as well. My soul thirsts for him and my flesh faints for him . It is proven throug my inability to sleep. When I can't sleep, I turn to God. When I am having a rough day, I turn to God. When I am uneasy, I turn to God. When things are just messed up, I turn to God. I have this natural draw to God even in the toughest times. This is a beautiful reminder. It reminds me that I am a part of God. I am created from him. I have this connection with him that is so strong. He loves me and cares for me. My soul longs for him because he created me in his own image. I am created in a way that is searching to know my creator. I desire it and I long for it, how beautiful is that?

Perspective

We all have what we believe. We all have things that we are going to stand by and never let go of. We have parts of our thoughts that are stubborn and that we will always keep even if there is a better explanation of something else. We all have those things that we will never ever let go of. There is nothing wrong with all of this until it becomes a point where we will not listen to others. We say that we are correct and no one else can ever be. We choose not to have an open mind about things because of what we have grown up with. We choose not to have an open mind because we know what truth is and no one else can say anything to change our mind. We all have our own thoughts that might be similar to others, but they do not think the same way that we do.

God created us all. He gave us all of our own minds. However, the biggest thing to remember is that we all were made in his own image. Being made in his own image means that we all reflect the character of God. By being so diverse in our thinking and how we perceive the world, we all can reflect God in a different way. This means that we should not be so quick to deem what is wrong in another person's thoughts. Because they might perceive things a way that we do not, we should use that as a tool instead of a weapon against them. Our perception allows us to have this tunnel vision that only sees one part of God and to see the "whole" or closest to the whole that we can, we need to use the perspectives of those around us. We need to use the truths that have been revealed in their lives and see who God is truly. We need to back down and put our guns down for a bit to really hear God's voice and to see who God really is. We are so busy fighting about what is right and wrong instead of learning from each other to see what God is actually saying to us.

This is something that we spoke about the other day at church and it was brought up again in Andrew's class the other night. The truth is that our church is so divided up based on our beliefs and what is biblical that we tend to miss the bigger picture. We are so tuned into our smaller pictures that we do not take those and put them together to be the body of Christ. This is not something that we can only use in churches, but also in our relationships. We need to quit being so defensive to one another, but really need to start learning from one another. Who cares if what someone else believes is not the same as our belief, learn from that.

Obviously, I am not saying that we should be completely and totally unbiblical. We need to listen to the voice of God and use discernment of the Spirit, but we need to be willing to understand that things are not as crystal clear. We are never going to have one specific interpretation of God's word that we all agree on. We can't because we cannot understand God's mind. That is why he has blessed us in so many different ways so that we might be able to understand better through working together as a body.

Stop being so gosh darn stubborn.

Face to the Ground

I came into the field of ministry knowing exactly what it is that I was doing. I knew how to plan Bible studies, retreats, and lead a service. I knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I knew all the practices of ministry that I needed to know. I have done this for a while now and I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew all the "practical" things and how to deal with situations according to what the books say. Unfortunately, ministry doesn't play by the "books." In fact, ministry, is unpredictable and you will aways be learning when you are doing ministry.

I knew that things would be straining. I knew that I would be thrown into unpredictable situations. I knew that my heart would hurt for those around me and that I would be thrown on the ground. I knew that I would be literally on the ground asking God to save me. I knew all of these things. However, even through all of that, I had a big head. I was not humbly going into ministry. I was going into it with the attitude of "this is where God wants me," but I was being a super human about it.

With all of this being said, this is what I am thinking...

We come out of college with all this experience and rockin' resumes and are ready to conquer the world. We are prepared to go out and literally take over. For some of us, it creates this feeling of uncertainty and we are afraid that we aren't good enough. For others, like me, it creates this feeling of being superman and being able to take on everything that comes our way. We fall into this trap of thinking that we are going at this alone and that we can handle it by ourselves. We try to go above and beyond without the support alongside of us and we do not seek out those who will challenge us in that. However, we need to fall on our faces, we need to burn out, and we need to realize that we need those beside us. We need to feel that we are completely alone and on our own in order to realize that we need a community around us. We need to realize that it is not a weakness to call on people, but instead it is a strength. It is not a weakness to admit our faults, but it is a sign of maturity. We need to be willing to be vulnerable and to be in a constant learning posture. Most of all, we have to be willing to fall on our faces, get back up, and learn from our fall.

This is a rough transition. We are prepared to go out and change the world, but it is so hard sometimes. We are hit left and right by life's hardships and we feel like we should be able to handle it. However, the feeling is only a feeling and we get knocked down time and time again. This phase of life can be a beautiful one, we just need to have faith, be willing to fall down, and ask for help. We cannot do this alone and with help, we will accomplish great things. So to all of us out there in this phase: here's to hardships and failures, but let us find light in those times.

Take Back the Land

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Many of the conversations that I have had lately with my fellow partners in ministry is that how hard life is in ministry. It is not what we all thought it would be. What might have once been easy for us to do may now be one of the hardest things for us to do. What we might have once been in love with, we now are dreading to go to every day, week, or month. It has become more of a burden and a fear for us. I have found myself in this trap of lies. I have found myself believing that what I once loved is not for me anymore. It is not what I am into anymore and I am just sick of doing it. And then, I am reminded of the Lord's will for my life. I am reminded by the people who I interact with and who I invest my time in. I see his hand over my life and remember that this is what my heart beats for. When I think anything but that, I am only giving into the lies that are being fed to me over and over again.

The truth is that we start to fear and do not want to go forth. It is so easy for us to stay where we are comfortable. It is so easy for us to fear man and disregard the power of the Lord. Nothing else can touch us, why do we get so nervous? Just like in Joshua 1, we have our own territory that we are supposed to go in and take over. We are to command God's reign over our lives and what we do every moment of the day. This means that when we go into any situation, we are to go into it with confidence and faith in the Lord and take that situation over. When life gets tough, we should not give up the situation, but fight for it and take it over. As it says in Joshua 1, we are to be strong and courageous. When the world is coming at us from all sides, we are not to be afraid, but let the strength of the Lord rise up in us. We are to fight off the fear with the peace of the one and only peacemaker. 

It is with this truth that we should be encouraged. Nothing on this earth can touch us or overpower us. We have the most powerful force on our side and he is commanding us to take back what is ours. He is commanding us to fight back with his strength and to not give up. He is with us wherever we go and we have nothing to fear. What's the worse that can happen to us? We are killed in the flesh, but we are alive in eternity with our Lord and God. That might be a scary thought, but when thought out, it is extremely cool.

Blessing in the Hardship

Thus says the LORD:

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man

and makes flesh his strength,

whose heart turns away from the LORD.

He is like a shrub in the desert,

and shall not see any good come.

He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,

in an uninhabited salt land.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

whose trust is the LORD.

He is like a tree planted by water,

that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year of drought,

for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick;

who can understand it?

“I the LORD search the heart

and test the mind,

to give every man according to his ways,

according to the fruit of his deeds.”

(Jeremiah 17:5-10 ESV)

This passage kept coming to my mind today as I prayed for strength. It has been an interesting morning here in Muncie, Indiana. It all started out as a pretty normal day. Wake up, get ready, and just kind of relaxing until my phone rang and today was completely thrown up in the air. It is funny how things work out in life. Right when you have things going on and you have no time, something is thrown your way. It seems like it always happens that way. Today was one of those days. However, I sit here and am just blessed by the obstacles more than I am brought down. God reminds me that if I trust him in this, then I need not worry. I will not die out and I will not wither, but I will grow and live long. 

Ministry in the inner city keeps getting more interesting as the days go on. Someone else has moved into the house today. This time someone I know and it is much better than when someone lived in the house last. However, I know that this means that means that the attacks are well on its way. I know that there will be times when I will need strength. And I know that there will be times that I want to give up and turn around. I know that I will want to back out at times and throw in the towel. However, I know that my strength cannot come from myself. It cannot come from those around me. It cannot come from any one person, but it can only come from God. I know that my heart will deceive me when I am not in constant communication with God. The truth is that I have no fear, I am diving into this head first and I am ready to see what happens. I am ready to be tested and tried and I am ready to fight the battle.

Faith

When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, if you will, you can make me clean.” And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, “I will; be clean.” And immediately his leprosy was cleansed. And Jesus said to him, “See that you say nothing to anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a proof to them.” When he had entered Capernaum, a centurion came forward to him, appealing to him, “Lord, my servant is lying paralyzed at home, suffering terribly.” And he said to him, “I will come and heal him.” But the centurion replied, “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I too am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. And I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes, and to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, he marveled and said to those who followed him, “Truly, I tell you, with no one in Israel have I found such faith. I tell you, many will come from east and west and recline at table with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven, while the sons of the kingdom will be thrown into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” And to the centurion Jesus said, “Go; let it be done for you as you have believed.” And the servant was healed at that very moment. And when Jesus entered Peter's house, he saw his mother-in-law lying sick with a fever. He touched her hand, and the fever left her, and she rose and began to serve him. That evening they brought to him many who were oppressed by demons, and he cast out the spirits with a word and healed all who were sick. This was to fulfill what was spoken by the prophet Isaiah: “He took our illnesses and bore our diseases.” Now when Jesus saw a crowd around him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. And a scribe came up and said to him, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” Another of the disciples said to him, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.” And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” (Matthew 8:1-27 ESV)

Matthew 8:2 Lord, if you will, you can make me clean...There is no question in this man's mind that the Lord can heal him. There is no doubt in his mind that the Lord of all creation is in fact capable of cleansing him of his sins. There is no doubt in his mind that God is not the one who can cure him and can bring him through. No doubt. 

Matthew 8:5-9 And faith is illustrated here again. A faith that is so great in the Lord. The Centurion knows that God himself will take care of him. He knows that God will help him and that Christ has the power to heal his servant. He knows that with the words of Christ, that his servant will be healed. It is through those words and through the faith, a faith that is so strong, that Christ healed the centurion. 

Matthew 8:14-17 Faith. It is the faith that healed these people. It is by faith they are healed. They come to Christ because they know that he can heal them. They know that he can help them and that he can take care of them. They are fulfilled by his power. Their weakness is removed from them and they are stripped of their sickness. They are replenished with the power of Christ and the strength of Christ. They are no longer thirsty and hungry, but have received the bread and water of Christ himself.  

Matthew 8:19-22 Following Christ is not something that is easy to do. It is not something that is always fun or simple. It is something that can be complicated, it can be constantly moving, it is not knowing what will come next. It is trusting in God and seeing how he will move. It is having faith in him to know that he will pull through and bring you to the next step. It is interesting to see where this is plugged in this passage. It is right after Christ shows what faith is. It is right after he shows how faith brings healing. It is right after showing what true faith is. True faith is required to follow Jesus. It cannot be a masked faith.

Matthew 8:23-27 Even in the eye of the storm there is peace. Life may be crazy and there may be a lot of things going on, but in Christ there is peace and in that peace, nothing can get ahold of you. He is the light in the darkness that pierces the darkness.

Glorious

A few events have happened in the last few weeks that have really challenged my work here in Muncie. A former professor of mine asked me a few weeks ago what I am doing with my life now and I explained that I work at Urban Light as an Academic Coach. With that being said, he did not seem too impressed. Then, I started to question why I was here and what I was doing. I was frustrated with the interaction as I though that what I was doing here in Muncie meant nothing and that I could do better. It was a couple of days later when God really showed me what I was doing here. I ran into someone in Upland who I hadn't seen in a few years and in fact, she was one of the main reasons that I went to Taylor. Partly because of her great influence in my life, I am who I am today. We started to talk and she was asking me about what was going on in my life. She started to ask me about who God is in my life and how I am being challenged by him. She then told me that she wanted to see me do great things and that one day she wanted to hear my name. And it was then that God really started to get the wheels turning in my head. Great things don't always get great attention. Great things aren't great things unless they are blessed by God. It is what God has laid out that is truly great. It is what he challenges us to do that makes us into the people that he desires us to be. By having faith in this and knowing that God has selected us for great things according to his plans, I have no reason to worry about what might have been said to me. I have no reason to think that what I am doing is not significant. Through being a part of the Urban Light Community, I have learned a lot. Here's what's been going on mostly: Through working at the education center, I have learned about myself and in general. The first thing that I have learned is that I don't remember sixth grade math at all. Since when do sixth graders do geometry? Seriously though, I have learned to appreciate a good education even more and have developed a passion to help students to see the importance of a good education. Even though they may not always show that they appreciate it, I know that one day, they will look back and see why education is so important. Through every math lesson, science lesson, and phonics lesson, I have developed more of a passion and love for education. I see how school systems have just given up in some places and it motivates me even more to show why it is important. Education is important to succeed in life and if a student doesn't get it, then you do it until they get it, you do not give up. You work until they understand because it is only then that they will truly be able to move on. You ignore the world that tells you to use the easy ways out by spell check, computers, and calculators and show that there is still importance in actual learning and understanding. I have always been one who gravitates more towards older age groups and never have really been one to work with younger kids. However, I have learned through this that it is not the age group that I have always moved towards, but it is people in general. I have seen my passion for people in need as I work with these students. It is not just about education, but it is about loving them and being an example of Christ to them. It is about letting them know how important they truly are and that they are loved and cared for. God has shown me from working with these students that he has given me a passion for all people in all situations. He has given me a passion to love and care for those who he loves and cares for the most. He has shown me that it is not about their age, where they come from, or whatever their circumstances may be that he has given me a passion to love them and care for them with the love of Christ Jesus himself. The next big lesson that God has been teaching me over these past couple of months is a the true importance of God's community. When I moved here and started to go to Urban Light, God blessed me with a great community that has surrounded me since I have been here. He has brought people into my life who have lifted me up and cared for as the body of Christ. I do not feel alone, but I feel like I have a good, solid community that surrounds me. I have seen God work through many people in our congregation and touch my life already. I have seen how God lifts each person up through others in the congregation. I have seen how important it truly is to live with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. It has been a huge blessing as I have been here in Muncie and I am excited to see how much more I grow in this community. This may not have been what I had in mind in May. Muncie does not really look like California...at all, but I do know that what I am doing right now is right where God wants me. Every single day that I spend with the kids at the education center, I can see God working. I can see him showing me something new and something so beautiful and daily I am reminded that we don't always need to go somewhere to see this, it is in our backyards. It is hard living here sometimes, but I would not trade this experience for anything.

For the Kids.

Last night at Bible study, we talked a bit about Genesis 32. The comment was brought up that Joseph does not get anyone back for what they do to him, but when his brothers come around he messes with them a bit. We talked about how sometimes it is more important for us to call out our families even if they have fully betrayed us. We test them and put them through trial because we want them to be better than that. We want the next generation to be better than this generation. We have to make it a point to help our future generations. It is our job to make future generations better. It is on us and no matter how much we may dislike our families, there still is something in us that cares.

This all hit me even more than it did last night. As we were with our students today, I saw a lot of pain in one family. I saw anger and tension and hardship. Arguments from farther up in the family has come down to the kids. And it is hurting them and holding back their growth. It is keeping them from growing in relationships with one another and with the family in general. This is what they are seeing and they are watching. Not saying that we should use the excuse that because of the family they grew up in gives them a right to be a certain way, but it is the family's obligation to help them to become more than that. I don't want these kids to raise a family in the homes that they have grown up in. I watch them come in broken and hurt and know that they can be better than this. I know that they can raise a family in something better. I know that they can raise a family in something bigger. I know that as a body, as a family, that it is our duty to see to it that they do.

Genesis 41

Joseph has had a pretty bad losing streak so far in the book of Genesis. He was the favorite son which placed him last on the list with his brothers. He had dreams that showed the future which made him an outcast in the family. His dreams gave him the future of being a very successful person which brought more hatred toward him. His brothers became sick of all the glorification of Joseph. They were fed up with him and wanted to rid of him. They threw him into a pit and decided to spare his life and be humane enough to sell him into slavery. Joseph no longer is a free man, but is owned by someone else. He gets thrown into jail where it seems like he might have a break, but he is left behind and forgotten by those he helps. His life that was supposed to be so glorious seems to have gone down the drain. Then we get to Genesis 41.

Pharaoh has a couple of dreams in Genesis 41. These dreams make Pharaoh a little bit uneasy. He does not know what to make of them, but he is nervous about them. He sends for wise men and magicians to tell him what the dreams mean. How typically human of Pharaoh. He sends out for humans to decipher a prophetic dream. He does not send his request to the Lord first off. He does not ask God what the dreams meant, but instead he goes to the people first. This is something that I feel like we do on a regular basis as humans. We do not go to God first, but instead, we go straight to our friends or whoever we see as wise first. When something freaks us out, it is not always easy to go to God because God may not have the answer that we want to hear.

Pharaoh hears about Joseph and he sends for him. Joseph explains that it is beyond his power to tell Pharaoh what his dreams mean. It is only through God himself that Joseph can tell Pharaoh his dreams. It is only through God that anything can be revealed to Pharaoh. Joseph recognizes God and tells Pharaoh that it is only through him that any light can be shed on this dream. He does not hesitate to tell him this.

Joseph explains to Pharaoh again that God is telling him. God is speaking to him. He is telling Pharaoh what is happening in the dreams. Pharaoh then has a choice whether or not to follow what God is telling him through Joseph or to continue to live life in his own way. This is Joseph's big break, he is brought out of everything that he was thrown into and made ruler of Egypt. This goes back to Joseph's dreams himself. He was made into someone who everyone will bow down to, even his family.

As I read through this, the biggest thing that I am reminded of is that God speaks. God speaks. We talked about this a little bit last week. We talked about how it freaks us out when God speaks to us. We forget as a body so often that God does does speak. This passage reminds me that we serve a living God. We serve an active God. Someone who is in our life and is intentional with us. We serve an intentional God. Looking back at previous chapters, we see how Joseph lived a life that was fully dependent on God. How else would he get through the pits? How else would he get through prison? Only a man of God who knows that God speaks can get through these things. Joseph knew from the beginning that God was going to make him into something. He saw his visions and spoke the visions of God. He may have been persecuted, but it is through those persecutions that he was refined and made into the leader that God wanted him to be. It all was in God's timing. We are so willing to turn to our friends especially when God's timing just isn't working out for us. However, God speaks and we need to be willing to listen. It is then that God's plan works out the best.

Such a Life

We were in Los Angeles, sitting in a circle as usual, debriefing about Capstone so far. We had gone to Skid Row that day and we were talking about the sights that we had seen. People laying everywhere, no food, no shelter, pain in their eyes. Surrounded by 45,000 other homeless people, but so lonely and afraid. Skid Row is a hard place to walk around. It is hard to walk over limp bodies and to hear the sorrowful calls of the people that you are walking by. It is hard to look them in the eyes and say hello, knowing that is all that you can offer them. Sitting in that circle on that night, I was asked what I felt since I knew what I was getting into. I explained how it was hard to look at Skid Row, but when I looked at it, I did not see hopelessness. I did not see something that was broken, but instead, I saw something beautiful. I saw people of God, children of God, image bearers. I saw hope. It is only with darkness that light can be brought in. It is only in hopelessness that hope can be delivered. It is painful to look at and it is saddens our hearts, but it is in this that I see God the most. I see his hand, I see his light, and I see his people delivered. It is the same here in Muncie.

I grew up coming to Muncie. The south side of Muncie is not the place for people to visit. It is not the most welcoming place. It is not a place where people just go to hang out. It is run down, dirty, and a hopeless mess. There is nothing there. The people there aren't my kind of people. It is just not a good place to go. I never went to the south side, now I live there. I live among the “hopelessness.” I live among the pain, sorrow, and the fear. To be honest, it is not that scary to live here, it is not really the most frightening place in the world. I can go outside after dark. I can go places around the neighborhood and feel safe. I feel safe where I live, but I do see pain. I do see sorrow and I feel the burdens of those in the neighborhood.

I see God's hand over this place. I see his hope raining down on this place. I see him picking up broken hearts and mending them. I feel God's presence in this place. It is a beautiful thing to see. It is a beautiful thing to see the people who I come in contact with everyday and see the image of God in them. It is a beautiful thing to see those who should be giving up by the world's view and having the most faith that I have ever seen. It is a beautiful thing to see these people lifting me up and encouraging me when they are so much deeper in than me. God has shown me what it means to hope by living here. He has shown me what it means to love. He has shown me what it means to care for those around me and to see beauty in the ghetto.

It Never Ends

Passion, a word that describes me so well. A word that turns so many others off. A word that makes others shy away from specific topics. A word that scares some from having specific conversations with me. Some might say that it is dramatic. Some might say that it is not necessary. Some might say that it is all just too much. It is these “some might say” that have kept me quiet. It is those who have calmed me down that have kept me from being open. It is those who have shut me up that have brought me to being insecure about vulnerability. And it is time for me to speak up and no one is going to stop me.

I watched The Help last night. It is a great movie and it was so well done. The whole time a passion was stirring up in me. An anger was stirring up in me and a constant tug on my heart. As I watched that movie, I was furious. Not because of some civil rights movement from years ago, not because the mistreatment of anyone happened in the 50's and 60's. Not because Jim Crow was a moron and stupid laws were put in place. It was because our mindsets have not changed at all. Sure, we do not have Jim Crow laws anymore, we don't have segregated schools or restaurants, but we still think the same. Whenever we see someone who is different from us, whether they be Black, Hispanic, Asian, Korean, or anyone else, we create judgments in our mind. We look at people according to what they look like or what the stereotypes are. This is the most frustrating thing for me. It has been something that has been building up in me for quite a few years now.

As I was at Taylor, I had friends who I respected greatly. I had friends who were extremely close to me and I would go to them before anyone else for advice or guidance. However, these same friends who were so great to me also frustrated me the most. They judged people greater than anyone else I have ever come in contact with. They made jokes about people, only joking, but jokes have so much truth packed in. Those jokes came from somewhere. And so often, I sat there. I kept my mouth shut and did not stand up. I did not want to be mocked myself. I did not want to be hurt myself. I wanted to just get by because I know how much words hurt and I watched words hurt people over and over again. I watched myself turn out to be the same way. I watched myself get the same mindset about the people that my friends were judgmental against. People who I once cared for and reached out to, I turned against. I don't want that anymore. I am sick of it, I want to be free of it.

My mother's side of the family is extremely racist. I spoke up for so many years, getting upset about the stupid comments they made. I was silenced time after time which made me realize that what I had to say was not important. “We are just kidding, Anna,” they would repeat time after time. Kidding, yeah right. They might have said that they were kidding, but the truth is that they are not kidding at all. What is the point of even saying it? What is the point of even joking? What is the point? They saw the pain in my eyes, they saw how their words hurt me and they never stopped. They still don't. They say things that are a shot to my heart and they know it. If they do not know it, they truly have not feelings.

The reason for all of this anger lately, for me being so upset is because of our last family function. I have been thinking about how I was so upset and so hurt last weekend. My Aunt made a stupid comment about the kids that I work with. She doesn't even know them. She said that maybe I should help her kids get through school. I love my job, I love the students I work with. They have potential and they are going to go far. They need people in their lives to show them that. I get so much crap from my family for the things that I do. I get so much crap for why I live my life the way that I do. I am okay with it. I am okay with the way that they talk about me. I am okay with how they hurt me over and over again, but I am not okay with how they talk about the people that I work with. They call themselves Christians and I want to see that more lived out in their lives. They mock my life of Christianity and how I follow Christ, but the truth is that I have never had much of a model to look up to.

Hello there, old friend...

It has been a long time now and I have been itchin' to get a blog out there in cyberspace. I mean, not really, but I feel like it is time to send an update to the world out there that is taking over our real world here (guess you were always right Mr. Neil Postman). Life here in Muncie has not changed much. Still busy, still tiring and still life. The biggest change that is happening is that I might take on more hours at the center and start to raise some support. It is funny because as I was thinking about going out to Los Angeles, I was so willing to raise support, but now that I am in Muncie, Indiana, I am so less willing. Funny how things happen. If I was somewhere where I wanted to be, I was willing to do what it takes, but since God changed my plans and sent me here, I am so much less willing. My eyes have been opened more and more to that recently. I rad in the Bible about how God has set plans before people and they turn their backs and then he does it again and again they turn their back. It is like we know what is better for us. Ha. That is funny. And then I sit in church and hear the Word of God which is that he will send us places, we just have to follow his commands. And then I read books where titles of chapters are, "Quit trying to figure out his will for your life." It is like he has been sending me signals or something. It makes me think of Bruce Almighty where Bruce is driving down the road and he is praying to God to just send him a sign and on the side of the road there is a sign that says, "caution ahead" and then a truck bed full of signs that say, "wrong way, do not enter" and he is being told to turn around. And so often the same thing happens to me. I am praying for God to give me a sign, but I keep going my own way because it is what I want. I drown out everything that God is showing me and saying to me because it is not what is on my own agenda. How interesting. I guess I should start listening.

SOCIAL NETWORK EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!

The Book of Numbers: A Conclusion

As I read this book, I realized that there are so many rules and so many laws that the Lord lays down for the people of Israel. And there are so many names. There are so many records and that is why it is called, "Numbers." I used to get bored (and still this time around) when I read the book of Number. It is not always the easiest book to read as the book is record after record. However, looking through the life of people and understanding the importance of things like offerings, names, clans, and life in general of the people of Israel, it should have an effect on the way that I follow the Lord myself. And it also gives an insight into the Lord and who He is. Every piece that is in the Bible is a glimpse into the God that we serve as a body of Christ. It is a glimpse of who God is and a part of his character. So the truth is that every time that we read the Bible, we should be looking into it to find a little bit more about our God, our Father. This is a reminder the next time that we say that something that we read in the Bible is boring. This is a reminder to me as I read the Bible myself. I need to remember that every part of the Bible has reason even when it seems that there is none.

Promises, Promises

[Men and Vows]
[30:1] Moses spoke to the heads of the tribes of the people of Israel, saying, “This is what the LORD has commanded. [2] If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.
(Numbers 30:1-2 ESV)

What does it mean to take a vow? What does it mean to take a vow in front of the Lord? Ecclesiastes 5:5 says that "It is better to not make a vow than to make a vow and break it." The word, "vow" has lost its meaning over the years. Especially in our culture and maybe even more in the Christian culture. Why would we need to keep a vow? We have grace that saves us. We do not need vows with grace because grace is our insurance. Not saying that we all directly think that, but it is definitely something that is in the back of our minds. It all makes more sense than it seems. It is okay, people will forgive us. We do not need to keep our promises. Way too often things come up or we just do not feel like keeping our promises. It was just a few words that we said or we never technically promised it. This verse is specifically speaking of wedding vows which is something that our nation and world in general has thrown out. With divorce being an option, we do not need to keep those vows that we promised in the first place. Vows that are made in the Lord's presence under the Lord's Word are more than words being spoken. So much more than that. They are a promise to God. A covenant with God that his Word will not be misused or broken. And we are so quick to do that way too often. How pathetic we truly are. We cannot just stick to our Word. We cannot just stick to our promises? Vow…a word that we need to come back to the true meeting.

This one is for you, Sarah!

Sarah Keur was extremely amazed at my number of posts in one day the other day and now, I have let her down with my lack of posts since then. However, here I am again and ready to report on life. I have been keeping track of my life since then, just not on the internets. So, here it goes...

Life has been a bit hectic in the last week. I have felt extremely stressed and tired. I have been getting enough sleep, but I have not felt rested. It has been rough especially when I have to go in and hang out with kids all day. I still do like living here and I like the community that I am in. I like being with the people that I spend time with on a regular basis. I love working with the kids, but for real...I am so tired.

It is not just me though...other people are feeling the same way. Other people feel tired and like they are being attacked all of the time. It is like we, as a community, are being attacked hardcore. It all makes sense though, God is doing awesome things here and that is visible. We are not going to crumble, but it is kind of annoying sometimes.

I learn a lot of God's heart for people as I spend more time here, though. I sit back and I watch people go through their life situations. I see joy, sorrow, pain, and everything imaginable. And as I watch people go through life, as I go through life, I understand a little bit more of who God is. I watch him come to comfort those who truly need him. I watch him love those who are in need of love. And I see him completely overfill people with love and joy that flows onto others. I have learned a lot about being brokenhearted in the last few weeks though. I have experienced pain and even a broken heart in my life, but watching others hearts break...wow. And I feel my heart full of sorrow as I sit there and watch it. And I realize that there is nothing that I can do to mend it, but I need to pray. What a humbling thing to think, I can only pray. Ha, "only", as if it is something small. I do like to fix things, I do like to step up, but I have learned what it means to step down. I have learned what it means to let the ultimate Counselor take care of these problems and when he wants me to speak, I speak. I still need humbling after all these years. I still have so much refining to go. That, my friend, is a hard concept to grasp.

White Owl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMaXzRZw3Ok

Entranced.

Brother is Back

I got the pleasure to hang out with my brother last night. First time in a while and let me tell you what...it was well worth it...

We watched 2 hours of the National Geographic channel. All about drug busts. How fun.
Then we watched the History Channel followed by Family Guy. EXCITING.

First great quote from my brother,

"I want to be adopted. No one will adopt me though. No one wants to adopt a 29 year old, they all want younger ones...what BS!"

Second annoying interaction with the brother...

I am in the extra room talking on the phone and my dad walks in the front door.
Bryan walks back to his room and says, "Dad, here's Annie..." I am motioning to Bryan to tell Dad not to come in because I am trying to have a conversation and Bryan yells, "Dad, Annie wants you to come here. She is in Annie's room." My dad walks in and I ask him what he wants and he responds, "Your brother said you needed to talk to me." Thanks, Bryan. Toolshed.


Third...

DairyQueen commercial comes on with this disgustingly to the extreme chocolate blizzard on the screen.

"Anna, I want one."
"Well, let's go to DQ then."
"No, you go get me one and bring it back."
"It will melt by the time I get it here."
"Isn't there a DQ in Hartford City?"
"Bryan, there hasn't been a DQ in Hartford since I was 10."
"Oh. I want one."
"I can get you Ivanhoe's."
"No, I want that!"
"Sorry, dude."

10 minutes pass...

"Anna, mom wants you to go get her Ivanhoe's."
"I never said that, Anna."
"Bryan didn't you just say that you didn't want Ivanhoe's."
"I DON'T! MOM WANTS YOU TO GET HER A REGULAR CHOCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS!"
"Ohhhh...okay...Mom, what do you want from Ivanhoe's."

Typical Nelson Night.

I'm itchin to take a trip...

Life here lately has been pretty crazy and pretty hectic. I feel like there are days where my head is spinning and it just won't stop. I wouldn't trade my new life in for the world as I do really love it here, but for real, I need a break. If I keep running myself like this, I will burn out. And that is not something, that I, Annie Freaking Nelson, am okay with. It is not even one of those things where I need to be knocked down because I am taking on too much responsibility. It is quite the opposite actually. I am not taking on a lot, in fact, I am sitting in the background for once and allowing people to give me assignments. Not because I am not willing to do anything or to take things on, but because I am truly using this as a learning experience. And here I am, learning, and so often that learning consists of me being shoved down in the dirt. Let's be real, I am more than willing to get a little bit dirty, but eating it so often is not my favorite thing in the world.

I know that this is just another one of those attacks. Those attacks in which I am told that I am not good enough and that I will never make it. I know that I need to fight back if I want to survive. I get all of that, but I do like to vent every once in a while. It is nice and healthy, I suppose.

And as I sit here, wallowing in my "hard knock life" (yes, I did that on purpose), I can hear the resounding words in my head, "Though the battles may come, the war has already been won..." And a thank you Megan and Dad for teaching me a lesson without even trying or being here to do so. I need to remember those words as I start to get down and upset on what is going on around here. Things might be hard and not always ideal, but there is no reason to fret about any of that. I know that I have a God who is bigger than all of that and who has already won the battle for me.

We had our block party this past weekend. There was quite a turn out. I got a few bruises, before it began..way to go AFN! The community came together and it seemed like everyone had a blast. I am glad that I am a part of this community and that I get the pleasure to interact with the members of the community. I am still getting to know people and still am being acquainted, but it is good so far. I am excited to see how I get involved further down the road. Other than that, life has been pretty chill around here. I also got the chance to watch my 4th Jump Rope USA presentation on Saturday. That was a much needed outing and with such great friends!

Only a few more weeks of summer left and school will start up again...

I am ready, but not ready at the same time.

It will be a good change from Summer Literacy, though.

Only a few more weeks at KFIM and I will have to start looking for a job again...not pumped for that.

What's been on my mind...

In church on Sunday, we talked about Genesis 34. We talked about being abused in all ways. About taking power to get what we want or about someone else taking power to get what they want. About taking advantage through power that we might have. It is the culture that I grew up in. Use the power that you have to get your own desires fulfilled. Not only sexual, but also in the church or the workplace. There have been times where things have been held over my head or where I have even done it myself. And that is not what is supposed to happen. That is not of God. We were created in God's image and God's image does not reflect using power in order to get what you want. It does not reflect a life that is used to abuse others so that you can get higher up or so that you can fulfill your own desires. We all have been hurt by a situation like this. We all at some point have been knocked down because of abusive power situations. And it is not our fault if we have become a victim in one of these situations. When a person has been abused by a type of power being held over them, they are not at fault. And this is something that I and many others need to remind ourselves. It hurts and it sucks, but it can be healed. You just have to forgive.


Last week, Andrew spoke about household idols. He spoke about our things that we hold on to that we won't get rid of. The things that we hoard because we 'need' them. The things that protect us from this world, from our fears, that make us feel better because we have. The things that we control, that we own, and that we make them do as we tell them to. We have these things because we can control them. They have no rule over our lives and we do with them as we please. These are the things that fill the voids in our hearts. The things that we think that without we could not go on. And then he pulled out a verse where God mocks those who have household idols. God created all the earth, he created the universe, he has all the power in the world. He is invincible and he is all knowing. He is the God of all things. And here's what is funny about our household idols…we created them. An idol that we created ourselves that cannot stand. God is not created, he is the creator. And we think that a puny little idol that we created ourselves can stand against the God of the universe? Yeah, right.


Francis Chan uses an illustration to show what it means to encounter the Spirit…A caterpillar lives his whole life crawling on the ground as a squirmy little slug. He takes a nap one day only to wake up many days later with the ability to fly. He no longer needs to crawl around on the ground, but instead he can fly. So should be the same with us when the Holy Spirit enters us. We should no longer go on crawling, but instead, we should be flying. The Holy Spirit should take us off to a new level and we should not be like we were before. We are a brand new creation and we do not need to worry about who we used to be because that is not who we are any more. We are new!!! And yet, so many of us do not live like we have the ability to fly. We do not live so that God is guiding our lives, but we are still living a life that is our own. And this is not who I want to be anymore. I don't want to be the person who is living a life crawling on the ground when I can fly. I want to fly, I want to be a creation that is glorifying to God. I want to live a life that looks different. I don't want to be the same person that I was when I met Christ, but instead a new creation. I want to live a life that is completely and totally different.

Such is Life.

Last night we went to the symphony. I forgot how much I love orchestras. It was a really great night as we sat outside, listening to music, hanging out, and having conversation. Towards the end of the night, the sky started to get dark. It was evident that there would be a thunderstorm of some sort. The rain held off until the end. However, the show inside of the clouds was incredible. The lightning inside of the clouds danced along with the music as the orchestra played. The sky lit up and the beauty was revealed every single time. I watched this show put on between the sky and the orchestra and could only think how creative our creator is. It seems like such a typical, corny, Christian thing to say, but I am serious. God is so creative. He created the beauty of the earth and he created that natural show in the sky. I see these things and am reminded of how good God truly is. I am blessed to be loved by a God who is so big. I am blessed to be a part of this grand production that He is putting on. I am blessed to call myself His child. I love how little things like thunderstorms and lightning can bring such a big reminder.

This reminder came at just the right time. I have hung out with my friend Matt a lot lately because he is heading out to Wisconsin and I have been bogged down with atheist statement after atheist statement. He just wants me to say that I am not a Christian. He wants me to say that I don't believe in all of this "stuff." The truth is that I can't say it. I can't say it and I can't believe it because the truth is that I do believe in God and I do believe in Christianity. I have doubted at times just as we all have had doubts about something, but the truth is that I have no reason not to believe in God. I have no reason not to believe in Christ. I have no reason to give up my faith because I have been without it and it sucks. The situation with Matt sucks because every little thing that I say is shot back at me about not believing in God. It is an attack and it sucks because I have never pushed Christianity on him. I have never pushed any of my faith on him. I have been willing to talk about it and I have lived it out, but I refuse to push it on him. That's not what he needs. It has been one heck of a battle lately though.

I have a job for the next few weeks. It actually has been a pretty good job so far. I am working with an agency called KingdomForce. It is an organization that sends brings the Kingdom of God in the United States, but also in Kenya, South Africa, and Jamaica. They connect with existing ministries to send teams to partner with them and work alongside of them. In the US, they plan events all around the United States that bring the body together and unify the body. Recently, they had Youth on Fire in Muncie, which happens four times a year in Muncie. The service was actually really sweet. They definitely have God's blessing in their ministry. He is doing great things through them and it is evident. My main thing in the ministry is that I am an assistant or glorified secretary. It's not too bad, I am typing, running errands, making phone calls, and it's something that is not so bad. I enjoy it greatly actually.

When life throws you lemons...

As I sit here, I think of how grateful that am tat I have a loving community around me. And I see the love of God and the hand of God on the people around me. I see Him working through people and Him pouring into people around here. I see His light shining. I see all of this and I see where I am at. The struggles that I have gone through this past weekend and the unrest that resides in my soul because of it. Not an unrest in the sense that I am nervous or scared, but an unrest in what Jesus would do. It is such a lame sounding phrase, but as I sit here and think, it's an intense question.

When a person is in a bind, they need help, they verbally admit that they need help, but they are not willing to take the steps that are needed...is it right to throw them back to where they were before? From my experiences with tough love, I would say that is what needs to be done, but as I look at the holistic Gospel that is the imago dei, is that really what is to be done? I want to say yes, but the truth is that I fall into conflict with myself. Where is my role in this? When am I supposed to step up and intervene with interest of self and what needs to be done? When am I suppose to be protector?

We fall into these what would Jesus do moments every once in a while. It is the moments where you know that something has to be done, but something else inside of you questions if that really was the right thing. It is a battle that strengthens us and that pushes us to really trust in the Lord, but also pushes us in love. The only reason we ever ask ourselves these questions is because of love. It is because we care and we know that there could be something better for a situation. The question is...how do we find the balance between knowing there could be something better, but being alright with not being able to do anything else at the time. And here I am, in another battle where the Lord is taking over my heart. The truth is that I need to be okay with the battle and wrestle with what is going on in order to become even more like Christ.

"On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
(2 Corinthians 12:5-10 ESV)

True.

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. He is dangerous, not safe at all. And yet there is something far more dangerous and fearful than to fall into His hands: to not fall into His hands" -Mark Buchanan

What a trip...

I moved some more stuff in to the house yesterday. My room at my parent's house is pretty much cleaned out...weird. We have a new person living in the house with me. She seems cool. I met her last night, but have been pretty busy today. We did watch good ol' "I Love You, Man" last night so that was good. It was quite the long day though, so I had to hit the sack.

As far as today...
Nothing much has been happening. I was working on some stuff at Starbucks this morning and now just catching up on my technological side of things. So, it isn't too interesting. I mean there was a man and his pet parrot at Starbucks this morning, I guess that was kind of interesting. Ha. However, it is good to be relaxing. This has been a pretty chill week of relaxing and hanging out with people. I am glad that I have gotten the chance to see some people. It has been a nice, chill, and good week.

Tonight...
We have the awards ceremony for the students from the Education Center. It should be good. It will be good to see the kids...I haven't seen them since last Monday. I am looking forward to seeing them. It is weird to go through a week and not having them rag on me or whine about how much they hate school or for Tim to say, "Miss Annie, you mean!" Ha. I'm so mean, I make them do their homework. Man, what a jerk.

Life...
Summer stuff starts on Tuesday. Wooo. More school stuff. It should be a good summer though. We will have the same kids from academic coaching, so that will be fun to hang out with them. ALSO, I had an interview with CVS...so hopefully, that will pull through. Fingers crossed.

That is all for now.

Oh what a life...

Saturday. What a great day to live the dream. Seriously, live the dream.

A day that was full of baby showers, music, art, and some great food. A well rounded day in my opinion. I know that I am not much of the baby shower type, but for once in my life I did not want to fall off a cliff the entire time. Actually, it was a pretty good time of laughs and fun. The best part of it all was meeting the mother to be at her own baby shower. It seemed extremely weird to me at first as well, but the truth is that it was something that was not so bad. Actually, it felt even more welcoming into the church body. It has only been a week, but I feel completely comfortable here. I feel like I can be myself and that I fit in just fine. That is such a blessing especially with moving into a new neighborhood. It is sweet to see people be intentional and come knocking at my door to join in with festivities that might be going on. Not only that, but it is even cooler to be a part of it all and not feel awkward for being there. I am glad to see people reach out and be intentional about it. It is a nice feeling for sure and something that I am grateful for.

Following the baby shower, we headed out to symphony on the green at Ball State. It was nice to chill out on the grass and listen to some great music. As I sat there and listened, it only reminded me of why I love the violin so much. It definitely brought back some great feelings to listen to it. Let's just say sitting there in complete and total relaxation was a perfect addition to the day. I love days where you don't have to worry about anything and you can just relax. I love relaxing to an orchestra playing in perfect summer weather. Maybe, I am turning into a sap, but if this is what a sap is like...I'm all for it.

As we were there, we started to talk to a couple of women from Fairmount who had a booth to sell hair clips, earrings, and such to raise money to bring home a girl from Ethiopia. I loved hearing why they were raising money and to see that the money wasn't even for either one of them. They were simply doing it because they loved one of their friends so much. They cared for her so much that they wanted nothing more than to sell crafts that they had made themselves to help her out. That is what I call community. That is what I call love. That is what I call being a neighbor.

The night ended with Payne's and a favorite...Office Space.

Hello beautiful summer. Livin' the dream.

"Ain't got no neighbors, that's why they call it 'hood"

There is a auto body shop next to me..right next door. This is not only an auto body shop, but it is a home. A home to not one, but two families. They have their RVs parked right next to each other and right against the fence. They used to have a pool, but not anymore, it was gone as of yesterday. Now, they have a lot, a few cars, a tent, and two RVs. Night after night, the same thing happens: Someone doesn't want to go to bed or someone is upset with someone else. That is when the yelling and the screaming starts. And, I sit in my house, listening to it all and all I can think is how good I have it. I have a house that doesn't move. It is big enough for people to live in and not be sleeping on top of each other. I have a healthy relationship with my family where we aren't constantly swearing at each other. I don't have to live a life that is confined in a metal fence, but I get to live life. I grew up and had it so good. And as I sit there every night, I know that all I can do for those kids is pray. They have it hard...even if they do have good parents. Living life like that is not a way to grow up. Having no place to run around and living in one room of a moving home as your family, that is not a way to grow up. And on the other side of me, nothing. Abandoned house with no one, but a really nice man who mows the yard...he likes my car...he told me.

I have been blessed with a heart that breaks for people, but sometimes it is so hard to admit that it is a blessing.

Community

I have been blessed by this community already. I have been a part of a few churches and I have felt welcomed in all of them, but I can say that this is the first church where people have gone out of their way to make me feel welcomed. They make sure that I know where everyone lives. They make sure that I know what is going on. They invite me out and they ask me to be a part of their lives. It is a community that I am glad to be a part of and that I am excited to see how I am a part of it. It has been a week and I have seen how God is working here and how He is working in specific lives. I am excited to see where I fit in the puzzle.

God has blessed me a few times over the past week with Andrew and Leslie. The other night Leslie made it a point to invite me over for dinner and also for a T-ball game. I know that it t-ball does not sound so interesting, but it is awesome to see how they have made me a part of their family. I feel comfortable going over there and being a part of their family. I feel comfortable being real with them and letting them know what is going on in my life. I am so excited for the relationship that has been built with them thus far and excited to see where it goes.

Church and meals after church has provided a sweet community for me as well. I love how the church worships together. The Lord is working in the people of the church and that is evident on Sunday morning and outside of church. Watching the conversations that happen after church and how God is moving in the church through those conversations is so cool to see. I have been placed in this church for a reason and I am glad that this is where I am right now.

Round 2

Week two. Round two. Here we go...

Life here in Muncie so far has been awesome. I have loved working at the Education Center...even though it is extremely tiring sometimes. Seriously though, I love working with these kids. Spending time with them is such a blessing, no matter how much they wear me out. I know that they can work through things and I know that they are smart enough. They have the ability to achieve and go far, but the motivation is lacking here at the end of the year. It does not make me want to give up on them, but it only makes me want to push them more. I want them to succeed and I want to see them finish without hating school. It is tiring as it is coming down to the wire and they need to have stuff done. However, they can do it. They are a joy in my life despite the lack of motivation and stubbornness.

Last Friday, we went on a field trip where they got to be outside and explore nature. We opened up the classroom of the outdoors to them. It was cool to see them get excited about discovering things outside and by being outside in general. One student in particular was not too excited to be there, but he came around. He started to get more excited as he explained all different kinds of insects, amphibians, and nature facts to us. He was in his element as he was outside exploring. As he got so excited about the trip, I was reminded of how the little things in life are so important. Someone could be having a terrible day, but something as little as being outside can turn that all around. It's those things that truly make our days that are awesome. Even if it is something that seems so simple and so small. It reminds me that we need to take note in the little things that not only we love, but those around us love as well.

Unpaid, but well worth it.

New Places New Faces

And here I will reside for the next year. A house to myself...for a little while. I think that I can handle it. No internet for now, but hey, there are plenty of places that have wifi. So, I guess, that is where I will get what I need as far as internet goes. I can deal with that. Last night was the first night that I actually stayed at my new house. It was all good except for that stupid dog who would not quit barking all night long last night. Man oh man...that dumb dog.

I look at my neighborhood and I could think what most probably think. Dirty. Disgusting. Ugly. Hopeless. Trashy. Ghetto. Good for nothing, South Side. I could agree with all of that. I could say that my neighborhood is all of those things. I probably would have at one point. The truth is that I cannot say this anymore. As I look at broken and desolate places, I can see nothing other than God's glory and hope. Where there is brokenness and pain, there is only room for hope and for God to work. It leaves room for his Kingdom to expand and become so much more. It leaves room for the hand of God and the hope of God. Yes, it is not the best part of town and yes, it can be a bit scary, but I am grateful for the opportunity to live there. I am grateful for speaking louder in my life than my own personal wants and my own personal greed. God has provided. Yeah, I miss California and I am itching to get out there, but if it is God's will, it will happen. The truth is that I have already fallen in love with the students that I work with here.

Today, I spent my day at the Urban Light Education Center. I am an academic coach. Ha, I know...riiiiight. Today I got the terrible three of the third graders and they were great. A bit unmotivated at times, but great. As we sat there and talked through their homework, I saw the beauty of God in them. It is so incredible how you can see such the character of God in a child. It was great to work with them as they asked me about my life. They wanted to know about my family and if it was a good family. They wanted to know if I was a baby mama. They want to come over to play playstation and hang out. They want to know my life, who I am, and where I came from. As they were asking me these questions, I saw a bit into their lives as well. I saw into their lives and what they see in their own lives or those around them. I saw the pain and fear that some of them had to deal with. I also saw how God has a protective cover over these kids' lives. I saw how he loves them and cares for them and has provided them with what they need. I saw how Leslie and Toddrick do care for the children and how they want nothing but the best for them. Most of all, I saw a future for these students. I saw how they will get through and they will not give up. A bit motivational speakeresque, I know, but it is the truth.

Hey there life for the next year, nice to meet you.

Contemplative.

Goodbyes are hard to say. This becomes more real to me every year as I watch the same things happen during graduation weekend. As I sit there and watch people have a last hoorah together of drunkenness, making out, and "living the dream," the more I realize that it is all just an escape. Every year, there are huge parties to celebrate how we no longer are on the LTC and how we have made it through. Do I have fun? Of course I do. However, at the same time, it kills me on the inside. I mean, I do have fun and I do like hanging out with people. However, I am not hanging out with my real friends. I am hanging out with the buzzed, tipsy, or drunk versions of my friends. What an awesome way to spend my last Saturday night of my college career...

Here's what I did love about the weekend...

I loved sitting on the porch, talking about life and being able to really discuss what is going on in life. I loved being able to go out with friends at 1 am to Southside for a night of good conversation and many laughs. I loved having meals and sitting around the table in each others presence. I loved running errands and spending quality time.

Sure, partying is fun.
It is a blast.
But for me, it is an escape.
It may not be to others, for them it may be a way to really enjoy those last moments.
I just wish that my last night at TU could have been more intentional.

Oh well.

Pile of Stones

We did not know what we were getting ourselves into when we headed down State Road 26. We arrived at the house to see a sign on the door that he was in the barn. We walked around back, still not so sure of what was going to happen this day as we were just helping out a neighbor. That's when we met James or Jim (we are friends now, so I can call him Jim). Jim was so joyful and so full of life. He was excited to see his brothers and sisters at his door to help him. He joyfully greeted us and more joyfully thanked us for being there. We walked around the yard and cleared up the the sticks and leaves. We spent about two hours doing this until the thunderstorm brought our work to an end. Jim invited us inside to have cupcakes, write in the guestbook, and have a seat. As we sat in that house and as Avaline, Jim's wife, sat with us we were blessed. We were blessed, we were convicted, and we saw a glimpse of God.

The first blessing of God was how he showed his faithfulness. Jim and Avaline do not live an eloquent life in a large house. They do not live a life that is filled with riches and filled with never ending funds. Quite the opposite. Jim and Avaline live a humble life in a humble home. They are on the fence everyday if they will be able to remain in their home. And as we were sitting there listening to their lives and how God brought them to where they were at, we saw how faithful God truly is. Avaline handed us a book that had many signatures of the people who have poured into their lives. And that was when Avaline explained that when times get hard, God blesses them so much through people. She explained that if she put stones in a pile for all the blessings that God has given them and given them through people, the pile would be never ending. God is faithful.

The second blessing or maybe conviction was that God will guide us. If we let go of everything, he will show us where to go. If we just stop trying to control what we want to do and look to him, he will take us somewhere. There is much more to this story, but no words can describe it. God is in control.

I am perfect.

It has been argued so much for the past week and yes it has been annoying, tiring, and downright obnoxious, but I am choosing to write about it anyway. Ignorant statement after ignorant statement has gotten me to the point where I am thoroughly annoyed. As we sat in class today, we did a mini-poll. The poll started out with a few question about the summer and about life. The poll ended with some questions about Osama. The first couple were the typical "Go America!" questions that I could not justify myself to answer in a way that said, "Go America!" The last couple were theological. The question "Is Osama going to burn in hell?" brought upon a roar of laughter. Really, church? Is this how we feel as a body? This is what brought me to the deepest pain. The fact that we can straight up laugh at someone's possible damnation. Why is this something that is so funny to us? I suppose that justice is truly served when a person is personally separated from God. All of us are made in the image of God. We were given the ability to love like the God who loves us. Of course our love will never be a perfect love, but God gave us the capability to love like he loves. When a person loses a life that and that life was never reconciled with the perfect, loving God, who brought all humanity into existence, God mourns. He mourns over all life that is lost. He mourns over those who never came into a perfect love with him. He mourns over those who will never be in His kingdom. And yet, we think this is funny. Justice is served, a man is dead and there is a possibility that he did not know God. This is not something that we as a Christian body should rejoice over. This is not something that we should chant "GO AMERICA!" This is something that we as a Christian body should be mourning over. We should be deeply hurt and sorrowful because someone who could have spent eternity with the all loving father may not be. And yet, this is all a joke.

With this, I think that we should all accept a challenge. What is the purpose of our lives? What do we live for? We should be a life that is rejoicing with what God rejoices with. We should be mourning with what our God mourns. We should be showing love even in the hardest circumstances. This death of a man who was openly hated should be something that opens our eyes as believers. One of the last questions that was asked on that poll "Does God love Osama Bin Laden?" Not everyone could say yes. That is a sad thing to hear. Our God, our loving, forgiving, and deeply compassionate God does not dislike his creation. He does not hate his creation. He may hate what is wicked and what is wrong, but that is not humanity. He loves all and cares for all because all was created in him image.

You threw a stone too.
We are murderers too.
We killed our King and yet we were not "justly" punished.

Memory

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose"

I have never wished to forget anything from my past. I know that what I have gone through and what I have dealt with has created me into the person that I am today. Though I have never wished to forget anything, I have wished to be able to suppress these memories at times.There are times when I wish that I cannot have certain things from my past on my heart or on my mind. I wish that I could control memories to when I wanted to bring them up not when a specific song is playing or when I am in a specific place. That would be really nice. However, that is not how it works. Memories come in whenever the heck they want to and no matter what, even if I say that I can hold them back, I can't. Not even if I try my absolute hardest and lately I have tried my hardest. I wish to keep these memories back, I don't want to be in pain and I don't want to hurt...but it's through that pain and hurt that I have become who I am today. I know that sounds like a cheesy Christian novel, but it is true.

I remember sitting there. I remember being in the aisle. I remember no one talking. I remember everyone staring. Staring forward at the stage. I remember crying. I remember pain-filled hearts. I remember fear-filled people. Fearful of who. I remember dreamful thinking. I remember saying it couldn't be. I remember prayerful thinking. Praying that it did not happen. I remember so much more than this. I remember the pain, the hurt, the tears. I remember all of it. I remember what I was reading, the test that I did not get to take, a new outlook on family.

5 years tomorrow.

“The book came out of me, I came out of them”

Such profound and well thought out words. Thank you Rob Bell. I am glad that there is such a man to quote such intelligent things for us fellow believers to follow. Listening to Rob Bell make a fool of himself and the rest of us lately has made want to vomit. Seeing him and his postmodern, trendy self makes me want to show up at his door with pitchforks and torches. I guess that is an inappropriate response and my real response should be to witness to him and show him truth. However, I may or may not be filled with anger when seeing his face lately.

It is not only his flawed theology, but it is the fact that he sucks at speaking. For example, the above quote, “The book came out of me, I came out of them...” Wow. Really? My first question is, you birthed a book? That takes some talent and I am not quite sure how that came about. Secondly, who is this “them” that is spoken of? I sure as heck hope that he is not speaking about the Christian body here. I do not think that many people would want to give birth to him.

In response to Bell's new found religion:

“We should have an entire nunnery just for Rob Bell.”

An entire nunnery just to pray for Rob Bell. I think that's a great thought Kelly, thank you for coming up with that. However, I do not think that one nunnery would be enough. We might need to get the universal Catholic church in on it. He's going to heaven anyway though, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

On a serious note about his responses though...

He was asked, “Does your God really care about his people and is not really sovereign?” or “Is your God sovereign and does not really care?” And he really had no response to this. In fact, he left it open ended and did not ask if there were any other possibilities. My question is, why would he hurt so many people by neglecting such an important question? His response does not only hurt himself and people in his close circle, but it also hurts the more broad church. He is putting words into the rest of our mouths. That is quite upsetting to me and quite selfish of him. He has been such an icon in the Christian world for such a long time and it is depressing to see that he is bring the rest of us down with him. I do not want to be a part of this band wagon. However, I suppose the good that does come from this is the conversations that we can have with people. It will be challenging and obnoxious, but necessary … especially after this whole ordeal. We'll see how this test goes.

What Clubs Kelly and I would Start in A Nunnery

1. Bingo for Nuns - Prizes included:Bedazzled habit, solo during morning mass, field trip to the world
2. Science Club - Water to wine, makin robot stuff, figurin out prototype for low cal communion bread
3. Chess Club - rules: only pieces allowed to be used are bishop and queen, no taking opponent's pieces, no saying word mate, only check
4. "Root"beer Pong Club - Only play in secretive places, must pass sobriety test after, if out of "root"beer can use communal wine
5. Twilight Book Club - Must relate every chapter to scripture, meetings only during full moons, must choose team edward or team jacob cannot be neutral or partial

Sex and The Cornfields

Relationships. My favorite topic...obviously.

This past week, I sat through the talks. I went to the sessions. I was involved. Yeah, that's right, I went to all of the freaking Sex and the Cornfields stuff. And just like always, they did not answer anything. They did not give any useful information to me. Actually, the only thing that I was truly informed of was: "Hey, you are still single." Sweet, thanks guys. However, this strange event that only Christian Schools would put on did provide many outside conversations. Therefore, did do its job...yes, I admitted it.

Two main conversations came out of this week:

The first one being the completeness in being single. All around us, we are tempted by this idea of dating. We are young and we should have a mate. That only makes sense because soon, very soon (it is spring after all), we should be getting married. This thought gets into our mind and we think about it more than it seems. It is talked about in every single conversation, so how can we not think about it. However, the truth is that it is okay to be counter cultural. We can be complete without someone else in our lives. It is perfectly normal to do so. We cannot be upset that we are not like "everyone" around us. Here's a hint, everyone is not truly everyone. It is okay to be complete without someone else. There may be a day where someone else "completes you," but if that day is not now, then it is okay. I know that seems a bit simplistic, but it is a simplistic thought that a single person does not always think when surrounded by relationships.

The second conversation that came up more than once this week is this thought of being married right out of college. We love love here at Taylor University. We love people getting engaged and getting married. The faster the marriage the better. It is super healthy for that to be the case. Maybe we are a bit confused in this thought. The truth is that we do not often emphasize how important it take a bit of time before getting married. We do not emphasize that marriages fail more often within Christian colleges. We do not emphasize that it really is not going to be as easy as it sounds. We do not emphasize how when two people are both in a time of transition, it may make marriage harder. Is it possible? Yes, but it fails more often than not. We lie to ourselves to often when it comes to marriage. We get married because we are scared. We do not want to live in this transitional moment by ourselves. We do not want to wait any longer and just want to be together. Marriage is forever, what's a few more months? Is it not more important to take time to truly grow and re-identify who you are before throwing someone else in the mix? If you and the other person are both trying to figure out yourselves, you'll get to a point where you realized that you never did that. Then what? Grow up...then get married.

Conclusion:

It's okay to be single...don't be dumb, just wait

"The same power that blew the rock off the tomb and raised a dead man is in you!"

Amen.

Who's the strongman?

"Demons will watch your every move and they will take that and utilize it. They love to oppress you and hurt you. They love that you are in pain. If you are struggling with something, they will love to use that against you...They get us to the point where they do not have to do anything anymore. We do it on our own. They are applauding...Question is: Who is applauding louder?"

We do not give the spiritual world the credit that it deserves. We play it down so much that the reality of it does not have affect on us. We forget that there is a battle out there and that it is fighting against us. The truth of the matter is that this is a real fight. The enemy plays hard. He knows exactly what our weaknesses are. We make a mockery of him so often, but the truth of the matter is that he does know what he is doing. He knows what will make us stumble. He knows what will make us cringe. He knows exactly what will make us fall over. The only way to counter act it is to beat him to the play before he gets there. We have to prepare ourselves. We know exactly what makes us stumble. We know exactly what makes us fall flat on our face. It's time to fight back.

"Wherever genuine community emerges in the midst of our fallen world God is present and working.”

Community...a word that Taylor throws around like it is nothing. And well, it becomes nothing to us.

Here I am, sitting at a table in the top of the dining commons. Just asking people to simply sign up for YC. Give back to people, be servants, not a big deal. However, here is what I see from the "community" of Taylor University: scowls, rude comments, and just straight up ignorance. Why does this annoy me so much? Well let me tell you why...It is what we proclaim above all things. We proclaim to be "intentional community," but the way that I have been treated is not so intentional. Why do we hold this above all things when I see it the least most of the time. I know that we do have some intentional community within our campus and within different groups, but what about the bigger community? We join every week to come together to worship our creator, but where's that worship in the way that we live? Where is that worship in the community that we should be showing to others?

I know that I sound like a cry baby and that I am even preaching to the choir when I talk about these things, but the truth of the matter is that I am upset about this. I am getting so sick and tired of watching us be so selfish and only caring about ourselves. As I see people mock YC and "not have time" to even house a student, all I can think is selfishness. We do not have time to help students see who God really is. We do not have time to bring community outside of our walls and into the bigger community of God. We do not have time to show others that we truly love God above all things. We are so busy with life. We are already involved in something. We are already giving enough of our time. God does not deserve any more of our time. And even if we really do not have time then we should be jerks to those who ask for our time. Real Christ-like.

"I'm so in love with you, whatever you want to do is alright with me, cause you make me feel so brand new, and I want to spend my life with you. Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one.There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. When a heart finds another, what's a cloud more or less in the sky? How delicious is the winning of a kiss at love's beginning. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. I get no kick out of champagne, mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all so tell me why it should be true that I get a kick out of you? I love love, I love being in love, I don't care what it does to me. You had me at hello. One, your my dream come true, two, just want to be with you, three, it's plain to see that you are in love with me. I'll make love to you, like you want me to. I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, thinking about you lately. Come away with me and we'll kiss pn a mountaintop come away with me
and I'll never stop loving you. Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low that's going to keep me from getting to you babe."

Happy Valentine's Day

What the Cuss.

01/12/11

Matthew 21

So Jesus sends his disciples to this town and tells them to untie a colt and donkey and bring it back to him. He tells them to tell anyone who questions them about it that it is for the Lord. And so they do it. They go and get him a donkey and a colt. Wow. They walk up in there and are like “this is for God” and everything is all good. It’s not their donkey, but they walk out with it.

This has always been so fascinating to me because I am amazed at the fact that they walked straight in there and took it. No one chased after them, no one put them in jail, but they got away with a donkey and a colt. I think that if I would have been that guy, I would have been like...”I’m sorry what? Not happenin.” And this is where I am reminded of how great the Lord really is. I am in awe of how powerful and incredible the Lord is and then how we don’t always make it out to be that way.

All they had to do was say that it was for the Lord’s work. They did not have to show proof of anything, they just had to say. This shows how powerful things are in the Lord’s name. Whenever we need help or anything, we just need to say it in the Lord’s name. It is with the Lord that great power comes. With him, we truly can do anything and it is small stories like this that prove that to be true.

Real life LA: Day 7

We met with the Kaleo staff today to talk about what is going on in that ministry. It was a good time to get an insight into the ministry and what they are doing. Not only that, but it was good to talk to the staff to see into their heart and to see what they are all about. I mean, I know a few...most of them, but it was still good to hear what they are about and talk to them about it. It is good to see where they come from and what lead them out here. It is good to see what they love about being here and what keeps them here.

We went out to lunch with them after that. Gina, Casey, Danny, and I had lunch together. It was good to talk about things further in depth. Danny and Gina had a good conversation about the OAKS and if he would be interested in it. I think we might have won him over. Casey and I talked a lot about his life and why he is here. And it ended with Gina still trying to convince me to come out here (she doesn’t need to convince me).

Gina and Casey asked Danny and I to speak in their D groups at LACS. Basically it was because they did not know what they were going to talk about, just kidding, but seriously. I shared my testimony and kind of gave the girls an insight about my journey with Christ. They remembered me from The OAKS this past summer. So, that was good to talk to them about. We ended the conversation with them asking me questions about boys. It was a really interesting time..ha. It was good though because it is good to give them an insight on what they should be looking for in boys at their age.

We then headed back to Skid Row to do S.A.Y Yes! And I might say that when we got out of the car, I was pretty upset. We carried the food bin all the way from the car to Central City. It comes back to that thing where we already have more than the people we see on the street. We know that. We go to a $36,000 school and even if we don’t have the money to pay for it, we still have more than most people on Skid Row. To carry food down the block and really not think about it, kills me. It is just another thing of not thinking things through. Watching people as we walked by with it and listening to their comments, kills me. It was very upsetting for me and I think that we should have thought it through more. We should have dropped someone off with it at the door and then parked. We should have starved for the night. We should have been smarter than we were. However, we weren’t. It’s over. We looked like jerks.

Levi ran to get something and all I could hear outside was screaming when he opened up the door. “Give me my money! Give me my money!” It was obvious that someone was extremely upset. And it all starts to become more of a reality as we are inside of those doors that the safety ends at the doors. It is so safe inside of the building, but once you step foot on that street, you are in a completely different world. When you step foot onto that street, you are exposed to more than you could ever imagine. Lisa had to call the cops on the argument. It ended up being a domestic violence dispute. So, that is another reality...cops. Other than the argument in the street, most of the time was pretty uneventful. Lorah and Meagan tried to dance, but they failed miserably. Levi took a video of it and called it, “White Girls Trying to Dance.” It was entertaining and an epic fail.

We did the Karaoke ministry last night. It was a good break from everything and a really good time. As I sat there and talked to people, it was so good to see them get off the streets from the pain and the hurt that they were used to. It was good to see them be able to relax for a little bit. It was good to hear a bit of who they were off the streets and see them really come through. It was good to see people be able to be themselves and have a good time. At the same time, it is hard though. It is hard to know that as soon as they leave, they are going to go back out on the street. As soon as they leave, they are going to be back in the reality of things. As soon as they are done, they are going to be in pain and in heartache. And all this good time that they just had will be a memory. That’s a hard thought to put our minds around as we are going back to a place where we can sleep comfortably (for the most part) and that is warm (for the most part). And we will just go back to our everyday lives. And that was the night.