Christmas

Welcome to the holidays.

A time for cheer.
A time for joy.
A time for family.
A time for friends.
A time to remember.
A time to celebrate.
A time for so much more...

And here's my Christmas:

Tonight, a very Christmas dinner at Casa Grande. Great. Here's the thing, the dinner will be great. It does break tradition, which is no big deal. The truth of the matter is that no one is in the mood. Everyone is stressed, besides my brother and I. Dad has been at the house all week and is stressing everyone out. He pretty much doesn't live at home anymore, shocking. Mom is freaking out about everything. Broski and I are trying to be chill.

Grandma is in the hospital. Christmas is postponed tomorrow.
Christmas in the hospital. Dad probs won't go...shocking.

It's still Christmas though.
We have a reason to rejoice.
Even more of a reason in times that will be hard.

Merry Christmas all.

Starbucks, my home?

As I sit here in my second place of living, I try to do work, but am constantly distracted by all that is going on around me. I work here almost every day, but I don't usually take the chance to actually watch those around me. As this might sound kind of creepy, I think that watching people helps me really find happiness in the small things in life. I find more happiness in family, in normal family, in good conversation, and just in living as I watch people around me interact.

Earlier today, there was this family sitting across from me. A grandmother and her two granddaughters. As I sat here reading my book, I could help but notice their interaction with one another. The grandmother's love for her grandchildren was so evident in her face. She watched the two of them interact and she smiled, not a smile that did not know what was going on (which she probably didn't), but a smile of adoration. She loves her grandchildren and loves to just be in their presence. She loves watching them grow up and live their lives. She is a proud grandmother.

Then to the right of me, there were three little children. The youngest decided on her own that she wanted to play Simon says. As she would call out a command, she would bend the rules so that she was the winner. For example, she said, "Sit down in a chair!" The two other's sat in the comfy chairs and she shouted, "I meant sit down in a wooden chair!" She was already sitting in the wooden chair. Win for her. And as their father started to walk up to the door, their eyes lit up and they ran to the door. They ran outside to be with him. A bit adorable if you ask me.

And finally, we have Bill. Bill is a barista here at Starbucks. He is a man who has about 10,000 times the wit that I do. He is about 1 million times more sarcastic than me. And he has one of the biggest hearts that I have ever seen. The way that Bill interacts with the customers is incredible. He knows them and if he doesn't, he gets to know them. He spends time loving everyone around him even if that means that he is hassling them. Bill would do anything for anyone and always puts other's first. It is amazing to see Bill work and even more amazing to see how incredible he truly is.

And this is my second home. Day after day so many people walk in and out of these doors. Sometimes it is good to just sit back and watch them. It is good to recognize how beautiful people really are. I mean, we do have those people who no one wants to deal with, but even those people have beauty in them.

SO I decided to go home today. Yep, home sweet home. Started out as a normal Christmas break visit and then only became more normal. The broski and I watched some terrible ABCFamily movie...terrible. Then we watched the sequel. And the sequel was just as bad...if not worse. So anyways, this is what the bro and I did for the beginning of my time home. Then mom came home...let the psychotherapy begin. Mom's sorority (who Bryan and I like to call the cult) was coming over last night, so she was freaking out about all of that and on top of it, we did not really care.

Our cult was not coming over, so we did not need to freak out. There was no need for that. So, to be the great children that we are, Bryan and I decided to clean up a bit. You know, clean up the living room so that the cult would have a place to sit. We are really great, we know it. However, moms did not think so. She thought that we were so lazy, she even came at us with scissors (Bryan and I saw it, all the witnesses that we need). So, to calm her down, we did what we always do, write a song. Bryan pulled out the guitar and we sang our little hearts out..."Mother, she is freaking out. Mother, she needs to calm down. Mother, she needs to be careful, she walks like she's 102, but she's even older." It was a pretty good song. Mom did not think so, but sometimes it is hard to recognize such great talent like my broski's and mine. Anyway, the cult was abouts ta get thurr, so the bro and I knew that we had to make a quick escape before they got there. So, we quickly got all of our stuff together and ran out the door just as they came inside.

We drove to the Nile (far drive, I know) and grabbed some awesome Middle Eastern food. That's when we went on further international visits...Meijer. Bryan really wanted to make some international food, mainly curry. So we hit up the international food section in Meijer. After spending some time in Asia, we headed to Mexico...not the tortilla section, or the actual Mexico section, but to the AUTHENTIC MEXICO section. We got some maiz rapido...rapid corn. AKA...Instant corn flour. We figured that we should pick some Eastern Europe up as well, but decided to leave Italy, Britain, and Germany out of the mix. Now before I go on with the rest of the night, let me just explain the International section at Meijer...First off, there is a Mexican, Authentic Mexican, and then Tortillas...I don't get it. What's the difference between Authentic Mexican and Mexican? And to be completely honest, the Authentic Mexican was not 100% correct. There was Venezuelan and Porto Rican...That's not in Mexico...maybe my geography is off? Then in the Italian section...Pasta, Italian, Pasta Sauce, and then Pizza Stuff...Wow....really? Is it really necessary for all of that labeling? I mean, come on...In the Asian section it did not say, Asia, Rice, More Rice, and a bit of Rice...it said "Asia." COME ON MEIJER!!!!! I spent about 45 minutes in the International section....I know it rather well. They do not have Achiote..we needed that. We don't know what it is, but we needed it. Thanks a lot Authentic Mexico.

We knew that the Old Woman Cult would still be at the house...so we headed to Muncie to hang out. And as we were in Muncie, some of the best conversation came out. My brother wants to write a book. Not only does he want to write a book, but a children's book. Brilliant idea...maybe. So we were sittin there talkin about it and this is the conversation:

"I want to write a children's book"
"Oh okay..."
"No, seriously, I mean who can't write a children's book?"
"Ha, you're right...Okay well let's think of some of your favorite things..."
(Long pause)
Me: "Okay, well you could write about MacGyver, you really like him. Or maybe ghost hunting, or maybe the history channel..."
"GHOSTS! I could write a book telling kids not to be afraid of ghosts...wait, Casper, dangit."
"Orrrrrr about Dinosaurs?!"
"Yeah! Are dinosaurs still relevant to kids or is it just black magic satanism now a days?"
"Ha, kids love dinosaurs! Even better, black magic satanist dinosaurs!"
"YEAH, JURASSIC PARK MEETS HARRY POTTER!"

And that is the beginning of my brother's children story.
And the end of my night.

All The Way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GH_Tf796Qmk

A song that I am feeling.

And look how good my bro looks.

Isaiah 48

It's interesting to see how God brings things to our minds sometimes. As I laid there today, the passage Isaiah 48 popped into my mind. It was just the right time for me to read that chapter. The chapter was about how Israel made all these promises to God that they did not keep. They were constantly given instructions by God, but they did not choose to follow through with them. He constantly showed them what they needed to be doing, but they decided to be stubborn, "A stubborn Israel."

I read through this chapter and think of Jeremiah 1. God knew us before we were even born, He knew us when we were in our mother's womb. It is so easy to look at this verse and just glance over it because we have heard it so many times before, but think about it. God knows us. He knows us so well. He knows exactly what we are going to do and what we should do with our lives. He gives us the words the say. He moves our feet. He gives us passion. He does this all for us because he knows us so well. Yet, we still are so stubborn. We still try to do things on our own. I know that this is like a broken record that keeps repeating itself, but it is true.

God is crazy in love with us and gives us all of these chances to show how we are in love with him. Yet we are so easy to take what he has given us, and run with it. We are so willing to turn our back, to be in fear, to not walk in the path marked out, but still call on him when we need him. We are so willing to be half in and when it is most convenient to us. It becomes a selfish love for the most unselfish love that we get in return. And yet, we are still loved. How amazing is that.

Let me hear.

"And if you choose to accept it, he is the Elijah."
"Those who have ears, let them hear." Matthew 11:14-17

God is all around us. He is constantly pulling on our hearts and speaking to us. He says things to us that should be so meaningful and that should really make us turn around. He puts us in moments of awe and puts us in scenarios where we should be strucken so hard that we should all to the ground. So many times, I am put in the place where I know that it could be nothing other than God. There is nothing else that could ever make me feel this way or think this way. It's my conscience, my morals, the way that I live, but those things all come from God. I look at the things in my life and realize that so many times, I hear, but I do not hear. I say I want to change, but changing takes effort. It's something that I do not always want to do. If I change...it means so much more than simply following the law of God, but it means hearing God. When hearing God comes into the picture, it is a completely different scenario.

So many times, I have found myself emotionally dead to the emotions that God has filled me with. I choose not to be in awe, I choose not to accept what he has brought before me. I choose to drop it and to not really go forth with it. I choose to not push myself and listen to what he is honestly saying to me. It is so easy for us to do. It is so easy to not hear God. It is so easy to let it go and just live our lives. It is easy to not really hear.

However, here I am now. I know that I am surrounded by God. I can see it in the people that I come in contact with. I sat in my living room earlier and listened to a girl tell me about how God is working in her life. Yeah, we hear that all the time, but this is a girl that doesn't usually say things like this. She doesn't admit that God is working in her life. She doesn't admit that God is pulling on her heart. To do that means that she has to be humble. Humility is not in her vocabulary, but today it was. She sat here and told me how God has been working in her heart. How he has brought her to tears. How he has truly been breaking her down. A girl who I used to have to convince that there was even a God out there was now telling me how powerful God was. The tables have been turned, she is now teaching me the lessons.

I know that I serve a powerful God. I know that he speaks. I know that he is constantly with me, but I have become numb to being changed by God. I have come to a point where I am so apathetic about things. I have come to a point where I am so freaking selfish about things. This is not who I want to be anymore. I want to be the person who hears and does. I want to be the person who rises up and does what God has called me to do. I do not want to be emotionally dead, but I want to be filled with the love of God and have passion again.

Twilight

I am amazed by the fact that our generation has become so enthralled by this idea of Vampires, Wizards, and imaginary land. I do like a good dose of Harry Potter. I mean, who doesn't like a little fantasy in their lives? However, when it becomes a reality, that is when I start to rethink things. When people think that they are a vampire, that is when things are pretty crazy. When people are living in the way, it comes to the point where they should be in a padded white room.

Maybe it is because I have never been someone who has completely lost themselves in a different world. I have never been a person who has lost themselves in a character. That's just never been me. However, I go to the movies and midnight showings and I see people who think that they are the characters. It's not just pretend, it's real life. What is the deal with all of this? Vampires and Wizards are not apart of real life. We do not live in the world of Twilight. We are not in Narnia. We do not go to Howartz. We are not Jedi. However, this world has come to think that all of this is real. I don't get it.

Goodbye

It is interesting to think that next year, I will no longer be at this place. Twenty two years later and it's goodbye, see ya later. I know that it is a bit of time before I actually say goodbye, but the reality hit me tonight when I had to say real goodbyes. People who have been a big part of my time at Taylor and now it's time to say...goodbye. It's always a sad thing to say that, see ya later, but in the same sense, it's a great thing to be upset about. Think about it, if I weren't upset...they really had no impact on me. However, since it hurts to say goodbye...It was well worth the ride.

The End.

Will you be missed?

Last night in class, David asked this question, "If Taylor left the community of Upland, would it be missed?" My Upland side of me was quick to respond with, "no, of course not." We are the body of Christ and we should be making an impact on this community. Day after day, I am dealing with things that students don't normally deal with from Taylor. They don't see the pain and the agony that this community goes through. They don't see the brokenness and the lifeless people who live here. They see the "happy, shiny, Taylor community." I know that I am being a bit of a broken record when I talk about this, but the truth of the matter is that I am hurting. I am in pain for this community. We, the people who do help out, cannot do this on our own. We, the ones who see it all, cannot hold these burdens on our shoulders. We, the people who are out there, in the battle, cannot fight this fight alone.

Parts of the Taylor community would be missed if we left Upland. The parts that would be missed are the ones who pour into the people of Upland. The parts who have put themselves out there on the front line. The parts that are not afraid of being hurt by the community, but are willing to take the pain. The parts who cry, who grieve, who laugh, and who love the community. These are the ones who would be missed. These are the ones that the community would take a great hit from. I see the impact that people have on this community. I see the people who come in and out. I see the ones who are missed and I see the ones who people say, "we're better off." In this past year, there have been three dear people to this community who have passed away. They were people who no one would expect from the outside to have such an impact, but people were impacted. They were blown away and their lives were changed by these three people. They weren't huge leaders in the community, but they were people who loved and cared for the people of the community. They were people who were in this community in different ways, but they loved above all. I see this and see how they impacted and wonder why we can't be the same way?

The truth is, that I am so passionate about my community. I am so in love with my community and the people in it. And at times I do want to go crazy because of it, but I love this community. I would not change growing up in it for the world. I have a passion for the broken people in our community and that is hard for me. It is hard because I see so much that could be done and see so much that we are not doing. We are not here to be superheroes by any means, but is it that hard to really love? We are so blessed. We have so much going for us. Our campus has the Holy Spirit working in it day after day. With that, there is nothing that is impossible. All excuses that can be had can be thrown out with the Trinity on our side. We have a Savior that has shown us how to live. A savior that has shown us how to love. A savior that has shown us where our treasure should lie. We have a Spirit that will guide us. A Spirit that will direct us and push us. A Spirit that will give us discernment and wisdom. We have a God that is stronger than anything else. Stronger than the lies of Satan. Stronger than the battles of this world. A God that is everywhere. A God that never leaves our side and is bigger than anything that might come in our way. That pretty much covers up all the bases of excuses. So, why aren't we doing more? We are capable.

God On Earth

Revelation 4:

As I sat in chapel, I felt the Spirit of the Lord upon me. There was nothing other than the Spirit on me. It filled me up and brought this sense of peace on me. It is amazing to look around and see how God shows up so vividly in one place. Listening to the voices in unity. Seeing God fall on people. Truly witnessing God in people's lives. I am in awe. It is that picture in Revelation 4. The one of all the elders bowing down on their knees and in unison are singing, "Holy, Holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty." It is the picture of David down in front of God singing "Your faithful love endures forever." It is the picture of the saints coming together and praising in such a beautiful way. God was in chapel and I just so had my eyes open to see it.

As I was reading through Revelation 4, I did see a parallel to our chapel. I saw how our worship resembles that. I mean, it is not the same by any means, but it is a glimpse into what we will be one day. We often overlook the beauty of worship, not just in our chapel, but in general. When we are together like that, singing in one voice, it is a look into what we will one day be. That is awesome and I mean that in the literal definition of the word. It is truly AWE-some. As I do get upset by the fallen part of Taylor sometimes, it is days like these where I am reminded of how we are in God's light. We are a body and we are so beautiful because of that. It is a nice reminder.

Jeremiah 17:

I was reminded also of not counting on humans. It is so easy for us to put so much faith and trust into those around us, but the truth of the matter is that we are all fallen. We cannot put our full faith and trust into those around us. As it says in Jeremiah 17, the human heart is deceitful. It does not know truth as God does. Yet we are so quick to listen to our hearts above all things. We are so quick to rely on others before we rely on God. We are supposed to live in community and to have others help us with our burdens, but the truth is that God is the only one who we can fully count on. Having help with our burdens is a complete different thing than putting full faith in someone. We do have trouble seeing the line sometimes though.


With all of that:

God is good. God is present and it is so amazing.

Spiritual Sanctity.

With time brings much change. Such a simplistic and honest thought, I know. However, with change, we tend to lose important things that we should not lose. Growing up in a community that promotes Christ and being surrounded by Christians on a regular basis, it has been hard to keep all the spiritual disciplines. The one that we have lost sight of that is extremely important is the discipline of confession. Not just confession, but community confession.

As a society, we are taught to think that everything to do with vulnerability is a no go. Vulnerability is weakness and that is something that is not okay in our world. We always have to be on top of things and everything has to look shiny on the outside, even if it is not on the inside. This may be great for the world, but this is not how we are created to be. We are put into community and we were created to have people in our lives. We long for interaction, even if it may not seem like it. This longing for people and for social lives is not by accident, in fact, it all makes sense.

In the Bible, we are told to carry one another's burdens and to encourage one another. We are told that two people are strong together, but even stronger with three. Sure, when we are in trouble, we sometimes call on people, but that is not all this is about. We struggle, we have things that are tearing us up on the inside, things that we would never share with anyone. Things that we are not telling others because we know that it might change the way that they look at us. However, back to community, to carrying one another's burdens...sharing these things is necessary. Getting things off of our chests and being real with people around us is extremely important, not only for accountability, but for sanity. It helps us to really build each other up and to encourage each other in times of trouble. Think about it, confession is such a freeing thing.

Oreos, Cocoa Krispies, Chips, and Salsa

I have started to discover more and more of how relaxed I am about the future. The question is...is this necessarily a bad thing? I would not say that it is, but more of a blessing I suppose. My brother and I headed out to Savage's the other night. As we were driving, we talked of how this is not really home to us anymore. Our heart isn't here, but on the west coast...sounds like some sappy emo song, but it's true. We look at the Midwest and see the same old thing every freaking day. The same old people in the same old places. No one leaves here, they stick around and hang out with the same people. Their drinking buddies from high school are still their drinking buddies today. Still working the same old burnt out jobs and really doing nothing with their lives. Everyone knows everyone's name...not a bad thing, but we need an adventure. We need a change of scenery. Let's be real, we are itching to get out of here and to have a real good time. It's time for a change.

I mean, I think it is awesome to be able to know everyone in my small town. It's great to be known when I walk into a store, but it is much greater for me to be unknown. I like people now knowing who I am and having to actually take the time to get to know me. What's the fun of living when everyone already knows everything about me? Everyone knows that I am planning on getting the heck out of here when I am done. Most have guilted me about it, letting me know that I have something good here. They don't know why I would ever leave and go anywhere else. To go somewhere that is new to me and unknown is so crazy to them. It's dangerous out there, they tell me...so what, bring it on. I could stick around here in Upland's safety net or I could live a little. Why not do it while I can?

I love this town. I love the people in it. I love my high school kids, but I have lived it. I have been used and I am still being used. However, God has different things for me, I know it. It's time to go seek those things.

Here I come.

$36,000

Day after day, we are reminded about how great our school is. Everytime Haebecker gets up in front of us, he reminds us..."How GREAT Taylor University is." Great, we are so great.

However, let me question this, Taylor University...if we are so great, so intelligent, then why do we waste so much money on so little of nothing. I would normlly be speaking of dumb buildings and stupid light poles, but this time, I am speaking about the courses that we pay so much money for and really learn nothing. As I have sat here in my lab, I have listened to the professor waste time because he was not prepared. This is not our problem that he was not prepared nor should it be at our expense. If we are paying for a class, we should get the money's worth of the class. Not only should we get the money's worth, but the academic's worth. We go to this school to be "well rounded" and we do not get that as much as we should. I know that my class is a general education course, but the truth is, it is still a class. The bar should be set higher than we set it.

LTC

As days go on and I spend more time here at Taylor University, I discover more about myself. Over the years, I have discovered more and more of how I hate injustice. See we "follow" this thing here at Taylor University called the LTC. The way that this covenant works is that we are living in a community where we hold each other accountable and call each other out. We are supposed to follow the rules, but we are supposed to confront one another. We are supposed to call each other out in truth in love. We are supposed to go directly to the person before going to a higher authority (you know, like the Bible tells us to).

However, as I have been here, I have seen nothing but the LTC being skewed and used in improper ways. I have seen hall directors lose sight of Christ and become more legalistic in their thinking. This ruins the whole purpose of the LTC...the LTC is not some legalistic document that was created to keep rules, but it is a CHRIST CENTERED document in order for us to build a better community. A community that is focused solely on Christ.

If this is the case, then why do we keep doing what we are doing? Why are we not calling out the administrators, hall directors, and leaders of our campus? Why is it that when we do call them out, they just neglect the fact that they are not upholding this document? The truth is, we do not look at all things in the same light. We weigh things higher than others...this is real Christ-like...OH WAIT, no it's not. Oh and when rumors are going around about someone doing something, we go to authority...way to go community. Oh and when we take those rumors and don't hear what people have to say...that is real Christian. Those rumors...that's considered gossip...that's against the LTC as well, but drinking is higher than gossip, so we shouldn't call each other out.

I look through this system again and again and see the same people abusing it. My question is, why are those people in authority? Why aren't people helping them out by calling them out? Thank you Taylor University for yet again showing your incredible intentional community and love for Christ. I wonder why everyone in this town doesn't want to be a Christian after seeing how much we live for Christ...

Global Engagement, Relentless Discovery, Intentional Community

Time and time again, I am reminded by different members of the Taylor Community that, "Taylor is a business." This is true, Taylor is a business and I am okay with that, but where does Christ come in that? We as a business should not only be a business, but a Christian business. I know that you are thinking to yourself, but Annie...there is no such thing as a Christian business! However, I am going to have to disagree with you there. There can be and there is such thing as a Christian business. And if we are not it, then we need to take Christ's label off of our liberal arts school and just be a liberal arts school. If we are not set apart from the world, then we need to take the Christ stamp off of us because it is not right to our Lord and Savior to declare his name when we are not living in his way.

I am not saying that we always have to be perfect because in no way, shape, or form are we ever going to be perfect. What I am saying is that if we are going to do this, then let's do it right. We declare that we are a school of global engagement, relentless discovery, and intentional community, but let's look more into this.

Global engagement...this means the world. We are great with sending out trips to other countries, providing Bible translations, and being engaged "globally." However, since when does global disregard community in our backyards? Last time I checked, the world includes Upland, Indiana. We get involved as a community...once a year...and it's required. Great. We help out with the Red Barn, Bassycs, and youth groups. Awesome, that needs to be done. However, where is the rest of the engagement? We are tearing down houses and becoming more exclusive. We are taking away from the economics of the community and not only that, but making our community "so intentional" that we are completely ignoring the community around us. Where's Christ in that? We go all the way to Marion to get simple groceries that we could get at the local grocery store. If we go to the one that is actually in Upland, we are keeping the dollar in the community and building up the community we live in. We spend more time trash talking and making fun of the people who serve this community rather than getting to know their stories. Where's the engagement people?

Next on the list, we have relentless discovery. When looking at these two words in the dictionary, the ending definition would be going at full speed to really push yourself and to learn and understand more. This I bring back to the community of Upland and also to the housing issue of next year. First of all, with the community, how are we pushing relentless discovery? How are we learning more and pushing ourselves more if we aren't even getting out into this community? There are some sweet people in this community who will push our thinking and our "discovery" so much deeper by having conversations and interactions on a regular basis. However, we are not promoting this community interaction with all this new construction of the new apartments and dorms. We are keeping our students out of this community. We are keeping ourselves from learning from this community and understanding this community. Not only that, but by not letting our students living on their own, how are we pushing them to grow? We are stunting their growth if anything. We are keeping them sheltered all through their college career and then throwing them out into the real world. Whereas with off campus houses and letting them actually live on their own, we are encouraging them to learn more. We are helping them to understand bills, groceries, and preparing them to get out in the world. Is this not what we are supposed to be doing? Are we not saying that it is our goal to push students to learn more and to understand more on their own?

Then we come to this whole idea of intentional community. Taylor does have a community and a good one at that, but our community is not as great as we promote it to be. Let's be real, there is no such thing as a perfect community, but we should be striving for that. In striving for that, we should be pushing each other, we should be challenging each other. We should not be afraid to step on each others toes, but instead we should be pushing ourselves to push each other. Not too long ago, I had a conversation with a fellow student about some students who got kicked out for drinking and driving. Yes, they were in the wrong for what they were doing, but if we are living in this "intentional" community, can we also take some of the blame for this? Think about it this way, how many times have you watched someone in Taylor's community bring danger to themselves and said nothing? How many times have you stepped in and actually been a brother or sister in Christ? So often we either stand by and say nothing or we take it straight to authority. If the person is in danger, there is nothing wrong with taking it to authority, but if it is taken to authority before actually talking to the person...then that is not intentional community. Why are we so shocked that people don't want to talk about their faults? Why are we so shocked that people get kicked out? Why are we so shocked that people continue to do stupid things? Why are we so shocked when it is just as much our problem as it is theirs? We are called to live in intentional community. Not only that, but intentional community under Christ Jesus.

Reading through again, it seems as though I have only trashed our school. However, this is not me trashing Taylor University. It is my home and it is my school. I do take pride in it and I do love it and that is why I am calling it out. I am calling everyone (including myself) out to really look into what we are standing for. We need to recheck ourselves and see what we are really living for. We call ourselves Christians, we are called out and we are set apart from this world, well let's prove it. Let's prove it to the world, to Upland, in our thinking and learning, and then to our actual Taylor community. Quit being so freaking comfortable and step out.

As we think about this and ponder think about this quote about servant leaders (which we so often as a Taylor community declare to be):

"True servant leaders are those who are prepared to take the initiative. But before embarking on a course of action, they listen to God and to the voices around them in order to determine what God requires of them."
Roger Greenleaf

So what does God have planned for us at Taylor University?

Hello Freshman.

As a new year begins, Taylor brings in the best of the best and the Ultimate Tools of all time. Here's to you, toolbag freshmen. As I sit in the student union, trying to actually accomplish some work, I realize that it is nearly impossible as these "totally hot" freshmen are mackin' on our senior girls. Listen boys, unless you got that ring, you can't touch these girls...well, you could touch...but that's about all. From the looks of it though...they wouldn't mind. I am so glad that I get to go to a great school with all these incredibly intelligent boys. I mean, they seem so intelligent with their talks about their money from mommy and daddy and their endless flirting with girls who are about 4 years too old for them. Thank you so much freshmen boys for only making our #1 school so much...dumber.

I was told to be more positive. And here's what I am positive of...as tuition goes up, the dumber people get. Not so much academic wise, but just in general. I watch these mere freshman here and realize...yep...dumb. I listen to their conversations and get...dumber. Even when they are not speaking and I am just in their presence...dumber.

Thank you.

In Response To Sarah Tabb

I see an epidemic of men being boys.
by Sarah Elizabeth Tabb on Monday, September 20, 2010 at 1:47pm

I attend a Christian university. I love the spiritual atmosphere. I love all the ministries I can be involved with. I love the amazing spiritual leaders I meet who challenge me in my faith. But there is an epidemic spreading across the Christian community of twenty-somethings. This is an epidemic of men being boys.

I guess I can blame my dad for this one. My dad has set the standard on being a man of God. My dad is the spiritual leader in my family. He challenges me with his faith, and always faithfully follows Christ no matter how crazy it might seem. He doesn't give up on ministries when they are struggling. He has always been a consistent part of my life. He is what a biblical father should be.

So I guess maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what I see in a man of God. Maybe I've just been surrounded by the best. But here's the thing: I am so sick of watching boys raise their hands in chapel, be ministry majors, talk about social injustices and a love of global missions, and then see absolutely no action.

Every ministry in this school struggles to have men participate. And it is not just this school. It is across every Christian campus. And it is not because of the ratio. Last time I checked, the ratio was not 20 to 1. (It's 3:2 at the WU). Every world impact team struggles to have boys come (when I went to the dominican, there were two boys...eight girls). Every time I turn around, a girl is leading a ministry, starting a ministry, going wherever God leads her. But I see very few men.

I see ministry majors who talk about all these great ministries they want to do someday, doing absolutely nothing now. I see boys who have never stepped off the bypass. Maybe do a "clean up marion" day, but nothing consistent. No time?

No excuse. I see girls making the time. I saw every boy make time for the Colts game yesterday. It comes down to one thing: priority.

So I am really losing patience. When we had twenty girls at the ReaLife retreat, and seven boys total (from IWU and TU COMBINED), I started to get discouraged. Will I ever meet a man of God who can challenge me in my faith and be a stronger leader than me?

And the most discouraging part is there are some parts of ministry that I can't help with because I am a woman (that is very difficult for me to say). For instance, the inner city kids ministry I am a part of needs men. I cannot be the positive male role model that these kids so desperately need. And what frustrates me the most is this: when a boy comes a few times, maybe a whole year, and then drops the kids, he is proving to the children that all men are going to leave them, and a Christian man is no different. They will all leave you. I do not want that to be the message these kids get. Because I do know some men of God. I know some men who have stepped up to the plate and been spiritual leaders.

But I have seen so many boys give up when things get difficult in a ministry. I have seen so many boys sit back, and let girls do all the leading. And honestly, it breaks my heart. I see so much potential and so much laziness. And I meet girl after girl after girl who is a women of God. I see them starting ministries, non-profit organizations, and spreading the gospel and God's love to all of Marion. I see them investing in relationships with the unloved.

So boys, this is my challenge to you. STEP UP TO THE PLATE. It is time to be a man. It is time to take come action.

And if you decide to keep sitting down and let the girls take all the leadership and ministry roles, don't you dare complain about girls being too assertive. Because I know there is no way I will let God's ministry suffer because there are too many boys and not enough men. If no one will fight the battle, I'm going to pull a Deborah and do it myself.

If you have stepped up to the plate and are a man of God, thank you so much. It makes my heart rejoice to see a true man of God in some of you young men.

And most of all, thanks Dad, for showing me what a man of God truly is.

Here's to you Sarah Tabb...

I have this to say....I completely agree. I am sick and tired of seeing all these "men" on our campuses act like they are doing so much. Walking around, talking in their Bible scholarly language, and really letting everyone know how much they know about Jesus. Day in and day out, I sit in classrooms with these boys and hear them have so many "smart" things to say, but let me say this...saying is not the same as doing. Most of the ministry majors that I know are more content with hanging out with their girlfriends or scoring more points on Nazi Zombies.

However, with that to say...where does this lack of want come from? Where does this lack of not wanting to get involved TRULY come from? Who's responsibility is it to train these boys to be true men of God. First of all, let's go back to most of the neighborhoods where our boys are from. Not to stereotype, but most of our boys do come from the suburbs. And here's the thing, I do know a few families in the burbs who do raise their boys up to be men of God, but to be honest, that is few. Most of the boys who I know have never really been pushed in their faiths at their churches in the burbs. They have grown up in this Christian suburbian bubble where they get involved because it is the right thing to do or their families are involved in the church. They go to youth groups and trips because their friends are there and in reality don't really get outside of this bubble. They go through hardships and struggles, but have to keep their mouths shut because it will hurt their image of their family. And the bubble continues on. The first blame...burbs. A great clean place to grow up, but not really the most challenging spiritually.

Not only does the burbs bubble add to this lack of growth, but the idea of serving is really not a regular idea that is put into the minds of our boys who grow up in this kind of environment. Sure, they may give their money to different associations and may give a turkey or two at Christmas time, but why? Serving is yet another thing to show how great they are at helping mankind. A great pat on the back.

So, here we have these boys coming from these backgrounds and they get into another bubble. Welcome to the Christian College life. Here we prepare you to get involved in so many things and be such great leaders...but really, what are we preparing you for? Here we have these great role models to show you exactly how you need to grow and to be pushed so that you will become a great leader...oh wait. Not exactly true. Here...we put on another front. We don't allow you to share your struggles or what is going on in your life. No, no sir. You cannot be real because if you are...what kind of man are you? If you are, what kind of leader are you? You have to be the strongest. You have to be on top. You are at your top, you have grown. You are such a strong strong leader. See this is the problem in our Christian school systems. We create this lie that you are spiritually mature. We create this problem where we do not push our boys to be men. We do not push them to take the next step. We do not challenge what they are saying. Yes, I agree that they need to grow up and take that step out on that limb, but what are we doing as they are not deciding to? If we are the body of Christ, then how are we fixing this problem? We need to step up to. The men on our campuses, the professors, the pastors, the bros, the whoever need to challenge these boys. The girlfriends, the friends, the sisters in Christ need to challenge these boys. We need to push back and help them step up.

And here is the question. Why am I so sure of my God? Why am I so sure of the one that I am in love with? Why am I so sure that I am doing the right thing and following the right religion?

God has captured me. My God has taken me over and I have fallen in love with him. He has shown me how to live my life. He has opened my eyes and taken the darkness out of my heart. And people ask me this question, how do you know that this is real? I know that this is real because there is nothing else than can make me feel like this. I have seen things that would be totally impossible without anyone other than God. My life has been changed and miracles have happened. Why do I believe in it? Because I have no reason not to.

Faculty and Staff

so, I run home this morning before my lab...partially to see my family and partially just to run home. I have some breakfast with my mom before heading off to my first thing of the day...Chem For Living Lab. As I arrive, I pull into the Nuse parking lot. Now, here's the thing...I have never had a problem pulling into this lot before. I have never had a problem parking there. I have never gotten a ticket for parking there. I mean, OBVIOUSLY I am not going to drive back to my house and walk to class..THAT IS JUST RIDICULOUS. So, I hit up the parking lot, just like many times before. And as I start to get out of the car, I hear this voice..."faculty and staff parking only." This wasn't a cheerful and pleasant voice. This was like the secretary from Monster's Inc. who hated her life. This was a voice that was just bitter and angry at the world and I really never did anything to her. Now, I must admit that once I heard this voice, I was a tad bit upset. I might have wanted to punch her...but then I just moved my car and went on with my life. Now, here's where my rant begins...The parking lot in Nuse is a faculty and staff only parking lot. This lot...has quite a bit of spots that are never even close to being filled. In fact, I think there are like triple the spots more than the professors who even work in there. So, tell me this...WHY IS IT ONLY FACULTY AND STAFF? I mean, really?! Do we not have enough stupid parking spots for people who don't really need them? There are multiple spots around campus that are completely pointless that we can't park in. It's not that I am too lazy to walk to class because I usually do, but today...I just wanted to park and go to class. Really, is it that big of a deal? Is it Mrs. Monster's INC. secretary who hates her life? Just because your job sucks, doesn't mean that you have to make our lives suck. Just saying.

While I am on this rant let me continue with something that I have been annoyed with lately. I have been thinking about community plunge lately. And I have been thinking about how much I hate it even more than I ever have. I mean, people ask me what I think about it as a person from Upland and this is what I have to say...thanks...thanks for walking in our parade and glorifying yourselves, thank you for making t-shirts...and glorifying yourself, thank you for showing us how hard you work to make our community "nicer," thank you for helping Taylor affiliated people and not the real community.

I mean, I am not saying that it is bad for community plunge to help out in the community, but I will be real...it does not do as much as it brags to do. Really, what does Taylor students walking in our parade do for us? What does a freshman who does not want to really serve do for our community? What does the wrong heart really do for our community? And here is the biggest question...how are people really helping when they just assume our needs? What does Upland really need...has anyone asked the people that? And by the people, I mean the unnoticed. The untouchables. I mean the people that we see every day and do not go out of our way just to say hello. The people in the gas station who we do not take the time to understand their stories. The kids in the red barn who we do not take the time to be the family they need. The people who we just assume have so many problems...but when has anyone really stopped to ask? Really. And even further...why is this a one day a year thing? Why do we take a day for service to show how great we are? We can be doing service everyday of the year. We can be doing service in all we do. So, tell me this...what makes this one day so freaking special? Thank you Taylor for your dedication one day a year. I mean there are people who are dedicated more than this, but these people are few. And a few can make a huge difference...but what would happen if we made that few a little bit more and then a little bit more and so on? How much greater would this community that allows us to call it home for a few months out of the year be? What if we came up beside Upland people and worked with them? What if we asked and got to know them? What if we really cared?

I see a lot of things that people will never see...and that is because I understand. I am from here and I am from the part that isn't so pretty and shiny. I am outside of the box and I see the hurt and pain that is here. I see the struggles and the stress and I long for people to understand this. I long for people to fall in love with Upland to make it their goal to really serve Upland. I long for people to fall so in love with these people of Upland that they will sacrifice for them. What's the hold up?

Welcome to Chem For Living

So here's the thing...I don't mind gen. ed. classes. They don't really bother me at all, actually. However, it starts to bother me when I sit in a class for 50 minutes only to start 20 minutes late and then spend 30 minutes on one thing. For example, balancing equations...do you know how easy it is to balance equations? You put numbers on each side...oh dang. Kill me.

Family Ties

I often try to hide parts of my family. I mean, there are parts that I am extremely embarrassed about. I don't want anyone to know about my drunken uncle or my crazy aunt. I don't want anyone to see how we really are. That shows who I am and I don't want that. Isn't that just like a human? Isn't it just like us to let people in our lives go because we don't want to be associated with them?

This was made more real than it had ever been before this summer and then again just a few days ago. When you look at the line of Jesus, the Bible leaves no one out. It does not just say that Jesus was born and that he had no past. No...Jesus had a past. He had a messy one at that. He did not come from the Godly, rule following people. Nope, he came from the dirty messed up people who lived their lives as the world lived. He came from people who were prostitutes, adulterers, and murderers. People that we would never own up to being in our family, but the Bible does not leave this family out. The Bible owns it. Our Lord and Savior comes from people who most of us would consider the scum of the earth.

And taking this on farther...how cool is it that God could have totally made Jesus come from another line of family? He could have came from the family that had less messed up people. He could have came from the good law abiding citizens. He could have came from those who did live lives that were good, but he didn't. He came from a family that was messed up and God planned it this way.

Snapper...WHAT THE?!

Hello world...it's been some time, but I am back. Here's what I have to say to you...Why do you have to come up with so many moronic things...Exhibit A: The Snazzy Snapper...Yep, the "Snazzy Snapper." Apparently the snuggie was not enough. We had to come up with something that looks even more dumb. The snapper is a handy little blanket that you can conveniently wrap around your face while you are sleeping...ANYWHERE! Wow! Anywhere! It is to help you out...you know to keep people from looking at you when your mouth is hanging wide open on the plane...now they are just looking at this giant blanket draping over your head. Wow, not gay at all. Thank you America for yet another stupid invention.

July 19, 2010
“Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob,
who turned the rock into a pool,
the hard rock into springs of water.”
Psalm 114:7-8
I sat there tonight at worship and at first it was hard for me to be focused. I was so focused on what flaws I saw in the worship team that I could not quiet my soul to worship God at my best. I was so into what I thought was wrong that I could not let God speak to me. I was closing up because I was upset…because my God…he deserved better than what they were giving him. He deserved better than their straight up hipster worship. I caught myself in all of this when it hit me…he deserved better from me. He deserved my entire all…all of my being to be in this act of worship to him. Not just a part of me, but all of me.
As we stood there, praising, God showed me this passage, Psalm 114:7-8. TREMBLE O earth, at the PRESENCE OF THE LORD. TREMBLE. This is a beautiful thing. God is that awesome. He is that powerful, that we are supposed to TREMBLE in his presence. He is so big and so great that we have this fear, this beautiful fear that comes upon us when we worship him. That is so awesome. This got my heart prepared for what was talked about tonight at Fire Circle. We sat there and Jonathan spoke about how great God is. He spoke about how God is our director, but he is not the director who just stands at the side and tells us what to do, he comes into our drama. He is doing this whole thing with us. He is living and he is active in our lives. He is walking through this with us. That is awesome. He pointed out that God created us because he wants to use us. He created us because he cares about us. If he made us, then we made it. If he made us, then we are living for the purpose of God. He would have not made us if he did not want us. He wants us and he wants all of us. He wants us to develop this deep passion for him. He wants us to fall more and more in love with him each day. Because he made us and he wants us, we need to be humble and live our lives how God wants us to do.

July 20, 2010

“The fullness of your grace is here with me
The richness of your beauty is all I see
The brightness of you glory has arrived
In your presence God, I’m completely satisfied.
For you I sing, I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart, lift my hands to show you my love…
To show you my love.”
Divine Romance – Phil Wickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

Welcome to my life...for the last forever

July 1, 2010
“Do not just listen to the Word, but do what it says.”
James 1:22
Today we talked about the Bible being our Script and how we are to follow it as our Script when we become Christians. Pretty simple stuff, right? It is pretty simple, but the thing is we don’t always do what it says. We think that us sitting in church once a week, chapel three times a week, and small groups once a week means that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. We don’t have to read our Bible on a regular basis. We don’t have to memorize scriptures. We don’t have to put effort into it, we hear it enough. But we are supposed to meditate on it and we are supposed to know what it says and to follow it. How can we follow it if we only hear it once or twice a week? How can we follow it if we are just hearing it and not practicing it? One thing that I have been extremely convicted of as far as following the Word lately is in the area of love. Here I am getting upset about things at camp. I am being fed up by people and I am getting so irritated so easily. I am quick to speak about how I am wronged about things, but not about what I am doing to others. I am quick to speak about how I am hurt, but not about when I hurt other people. And this is where I have been convicted in love. I get so upset and feel like everyone else is being so selfish, but in reality, how selfish am I myself being? I am upset because they want things their way…but I want things my way. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish. I think that my world has been rocked as I have been teaching about the Bible and following the Bible as our Script
Other than that, today has been a pretty awesome day. I can see God really working at camp as I watch the counselors interact with the kids. I see Him working as they pour the love into the kids where they do not usually get love. I see Him working through them as they challenge the kids and push them to get to know God better. God is fully present and active at this camp and I am getting more and more excited day after day as we are here. He is filling us up when we need it the most. He is pushing us through the days when we are at our ends. He is pressing us when we need to be pressed the most. It is so cool to see Him knowing exactly what we need when we need it. It is cool to see him capturing the hearts of our counselors and how they respond to his call. I am so amazed by how God is working in this place in the hearts of our kids and in the hearts of our counselors.

July 2, 2010
Today was the last day of camp for the 1st through 3rd graders. I have loved this week so much and I have loved seeing those kids get poured into over and over again. It was such a beautiful sight to see our counselors have the love of God overflowing in them. I loved watching the kids faces light up when they saw the counselors. I loved seeing God truly working and seeing him truly coming through in their lives. God is present and he is active.
As far as Bible goes, I think that this week went really well. I loved every second of it and loved to see the kids get into it. I loved to be up there and to bring out the truth to them. The first day of Bible, Megan, one of the city staff, came up to me and asked me to use my Bible. She then exclaimed…literally…to me that there were girls in her group who had never heard of God. They had never heard the creation story. They had never heard the truth of God. She got the privilege to tell the girls about God and about how big and great that he is. GOD IS WORKING. He is getting attention and we are doing a great job at listening to his commands.
After Bible today, we had a sweet carnival. I sat there and hung out with Daniel and Melanie for a while. Melanie is a city staff from Bakersfield and she is really incredible. She has such a passion for the kids here and she really shows it with how she acts towards them. I can see the love that she has for them in the way that she talks to them, hugs them, and even disciplines them. It is the love of Christ because it could be nothing else. I am so excited to see her again next week. She is coming back with another group, a tougher group, but we are ready for them. We want to share Christ with them and we want them to know who he is. It might be tougher and it might be a longer week, but we have God on our side. We have his strength and we are ready to use his strength. We have his love and we are ready to love with his love. We got this, not on our own, but we got this with someone much bigger.
As we were at the carnival, it was so much fun to just hang out and relax with the kids. We got a chance to get shot by the fire truck hose and to be out playing in the field. We got a chance to relax and kick it with them. We got a chance to just have fun and to hang out for the last time before they left. It is so much fun to see them out there. It has been so much fun to see them out there really having a good time. It has been great to see them be kids because the truth of the matter is that once they go back home, they probably are not going to get that chance. We have kids here who are going to have to go back home and be the men and the women of the house at the age of eight. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and have to protect themselves. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and won’t have their medicine because their drug addicted mother steals it from them. We have kids who do not have a home to go back to. We have kids who are going back home to two mothers. This is what they have to face when they go back. So to see them out there having a great time and enjoying themselves for this week is awesome. To see them be doing what normal kids should be doing at this age is incredible. Just to see them not be scared or worried, but to know that they are safe here is such a blessing and such a beautiful thing.
We ended the week with a few tears…okay, more than a few. It has only been a couple of days, but these kids mean the world to us. They mean so much to us and we love them so much. We love them and we do not want them to have to suffer. The tears were not only tears of sadness of them leaving, but the tears were pain and hurt for them. The tears were tears of knowing that their happiness would soon be leaving their faces as they arrived home. They were tears of knowing that there is so much pain and hurt in this world. They were tears of knowing that that bondage goes so deep in their lives. However, they are also tears of joy because we know who has already won. The enemy has nothing on our God. He has nothing on us because our God is strong and our God is living. He is nothing but a defeated little coward. He lurks in the shadows and can’t even put up a fair fight. Yeah, he has got nothing on this. God is so big and so powerful…what up now.


July 3, 2010
Happy fourth…err, I mean, third of July. Today is the third of July and our only day off before camp starts tomorrow. So instead of having a fourth of July party, we decided to have a third of July party at Jenni’s house. I came up last night and did some pre party planning by\ making cheesecake and such. Then we both just kind of hung out and chilled. It was good to sleep in a bed in a real house last night. Not to mention, it was good to get actual sleep last night. It was good to wake up at 8:45 in the morning and not like six in the morning. I loved being able to relax and not have to worry about a thousand things going on around me. It was great to be away from everyone and to be able to just relax.
Today was a great day as well. We hung out at Jenni’s house and had a beautiful grill out. Jyrone made some awesome barbeque sauce and grilled some great ribs to perfection. I loved being able to chill out with the whole staff at Jenni’s. Normally, we do not get the chance for all of us to be together…I mean, we were missing a couple of people, but for the most part, we were all there. We hung out in the pool, played cards, had conversations, and chilled out and watched movies.
Most of the day, I spent time with Adam and Gracie. I feel so blessed to have such an awesome boss as Adam. We call him dad and I have started to discover that he really fits the dad role in our lives as we are out here. He is someone who we can go to when we need to and he has great advice. He pours into our lives and spends time with us. He takes time out of his life just to get to know us and where we come from. It has been so great to get to know him and Gracie as well. Gracie has been a sweet person in our lives from day one. She is so easy to get along with and she has some great input most of the time as well. She also takes time to get to know what is going on in our lives and then talks to us about them. They both are so awesome in how much they care about the people who around them. They know when our lives are getting hectic and how sometimes we need to get away, so they call us up and tell us to come hang out in the hot tub. Tonight, after we left, we met them in Santa Clarita to have dinner with them. It was dad and the kids…we loved it.
To say the least, our third of July ended up being pretty sweet. It was relaxing and chill and we did not have to worry about anything. We got to spend time with each other and just enjoy each other’s company. It was a great day.

July 4, 2010
Today started out pretty terrible. It started out with a couple hours of stress and it was not my ideal way to start a new week of camp. We went to church with bitter hearts and frustration. All of this was because of a dumb misunderstanding. This wasn’t the best way to start off the day, but it is okay…we dealt with it. As the day went on, we chilled out a little bit more, but it still was a bad day starting off. It wasn’t just the stupid situation, but also I couldn’t get the dumb printer to work so that I could get our devotional books done for the week. It was okay though, I talked to “dad” and things calmed down a little bit. It just was annoying because the situation was between our staff and another staff and it only creates more disunity between us when our arguments happen. It is getting kind of old and is just immature. I just get so sick of it, and I know it needs to be dealt with, but it is just getting our staff motivated to deal with it. So, that is something that I need to really be working on in my heart and be praying about constantly. Yeah, that is a good thing for me to pray for. This is how the devil is bringing us down, he is ripping us apart where we are the weakest. We need to work on it. We need prayer. We need to defeat this demon because we are all going towards the same goal and when there is tension, we are being held back from the goal that we are trying to achieve. So yeah, that’s what we have been dealing with.
When I got back I had to finish up some stuff for Bible class during the first part of registration. After I got done with the whole Bible class thing, I headed to registration and ended up hanging out with Jackie for a while. And by a while, I mean an hour and a half. We sat there and talked through the situation from the morning and she told me her side. It was good to talk to her because we worked through stuff that we needed to work through. She is easy to talk to and she wants to work through things. She doesn’t let things go forever and she is logical about things. It was so good to talk to her about it all. After we talked through that, we talked about spiritual gifts for about six thousand hours. It was all brought up because she asked me if I knew James Heth…of course I do. So, then we started to talk about where we came from and when we first encountered the Holy Spirit. As I sat there talking to her, I was so enthralled by God the entire time. He was so present in the conversation and he revealed so much to the two of us about the two of us. As we sat there talking, we spoke so much truth into each other’s lives. We saw sides of each other that we have yet to see while we were here. As we talked, we got so excited to hear how present the Holy Spirit is in each of our lives. We talked about the gifts that we have and when we first saw those gifts put to use in our lives. It seriously was so awesome to see how God has worked in her life and how he has shown her so many cool things. I can’t wait to get to know her story more and to hear about more cool things that he has done in her life. It was so awesome to have this conversation with her and I cannot wait to have more. I was so full and so refreshed after our conversation. It was truly incredible.
As the day went on, it only got better. I felt more confident about what would happen throughout the week as far as Bible goes. I got more excited as the kids were here to get ready for Bible. I could tell that it would be a tougher crowd, but that is okay, I will be able to deal with it. It’s all about getting to know them and being present around them. I am excited to see how God uses me and how he will teach me. So, it will be great, I am sure of it. Let’s rock it out this week.

July 5, 2010
Here’s the thing…God is here. He is active. He is alive. He is moving and I can feel that he is moving. Lives and hearts are being changed and the enemy is upset about that. He is upset that God can be felt. He is upset that God is changing lives and that he is breaking chains. The last few weeks there has been a lot of spiritual warfare going on. We have seen it, we can feel it, and we know that the enemy is really upset. However, this is not something that we should get nervous about, but it is something that we need to rejoice in. The truth of the matter is that if the enemy is showing up it is because God is working here. He has a reason that he needs to show up and it is because he feels threatened. Our God has already won. Our God is victorious. He has overcome and he is the strongman. As long as we are in Him and He is in us, then we have nothing to worry about. Let this be my declaration, God is here and he is working. God is beside us and he is fighting with us. He is not letting us battle on our own, but he is taking on this battle with us. So what if there are a few bumps in the road? Who cares…God has this. He’s got our back and so there is nothing to worry about.
The coolest thing about this is watching people react to this whole thing. I can see them falling to their knees in prayer. I can see them stepping up in faith and not giving in. We know that God has our backs and we know that all we need to do is go to him. Last night there was a prayer meeting that went for two hours about this. That is awesome. It is awesome to see a group come together in the Lord’s name and declare that this is his house. Basically, what we are saying to the enemy is this…get out. We’ve got our ruler…we don’t need anyone else.
I can feel God working in me. I can feel him changing me and I am super excited about it. It is not the whole spiritual high thing, but it is a true change. It is a change that he has been working on for some time now and he is only refining it now that I am out here. He is transforming me into someone new. He is filling up my life with this new passion for Him. I long for Him and for His love. Everything that I do in my life is based around Him. He is my basis for everything. It is so good because I can’t help but to smile. I can’t help but to be happy. I can’t help but to be in love with him. I can’t help but to let him overflow out of me. I can’t help but to let him be seen through me.

July 6, 2010
Week two of camp…yep, still love my job. Seriously, today I felt so good and so accomplished after we had Bible class. When I went to lunch, I heard so many good things about it from so many different people. And for real, it is what I need. I need to be encouraged because I do not always think that it goes well. Today though, it did go so awesome. These kids are smart and they know what they are saying. Not only do they know what it says, like they don’t just know the right answers, but you can tell that they truly know the truth. I mean, today I was hanging up their signs of who God is and I could see pure truth. I could see so many things that were more than just true. And after seeing those, I was amazed by these kids. They do know so much and God is chasing after them and it is so so so beautiful. He wants these kids and he wants them bad. I can tell by the way that they listen in Bible class and the way that they listen at Fire Circle that they want Him back.
It is sweet to see our staff truly come together and be encouraging. They have been so awesome throughout today and tonight. Like I said before, they were so encouraging about Bible. I had so many people come up to me and tell me how well it went and how well we did. It was great to see how their encouragement can mean so much. Not only was it encouraging to hear from them verbally, but it was awesome when I got back to the lodge and found two notes from two different staff members. It is sweet to see us lifting each other up as a staff and being real with one another about how we are doing and how God is working in each of our lives. I love our staff and I am so blessed to be surrounded by them.
As we sat at Fire Circle tonight, Alex talked about the Script (aka…Bible) and I might say that he did a really good job. He did a really good job relating the Bible to God and then to our lives. He explained why we need to memorize the Bible and related it back to actors and actresses memorizing their lines. He explained that by memorizing parts of the Bible, we will be more knowledgeable in situations and we will better know how to respond. He explained that if we memorize it, we know our part better and we know our writer or Director (God) better. It was good to see the kids responding to it. They knew what he was talking about and they actually responded to it. It was sweet to see him get into it too because that is what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He is going to be a script writer and so he is already passionate about it. He just has such a creative mind and I don’t always know what to do about it. It’s sweet though.
There has been some major disunity between our teams and it even came up tonight at Fire Circle. I talked to Gina and Jess about it and they asked me why I felt awkward around their group. I told them that it was because I didn’t know them and I wasn’t apart of their group. After Fire Circle, I got knocked in the head in a way. As we were sitting in the Saturn, I spoke up. I told the leadership staff that I was with that we needed to fix this. We shouldn’t feel awkward to hang out with the other staff. We should feel comfortable around them and we should be able to talk to them. As it says in the Bible, “a house divided against itself is not strong.” Which is true. We do not come together, we are not united, and we are not strong. There is so much going on here that we need to stand firm against, but we are divided. So, what needs to happen is we need to come together. We need to stand as one body because we are one body. We are going toward the same goal. We need to accomplish this together. Tonight, leadership staff decided to step it up in this area. We decided that we are going to come together on Friday. We are going to come together as a staff and pray…as a full staff. We are going to pray for the LITs (the high school camp staff) and let them know that we are here for them as brothers and sisters in Christ. This is a battle that we need to take on together and we have finally decided to step up.
July 7, 2010
Bible was a bit more serious today. We shared a skit about the Gospel and it was a pretty serious discussion…obviously. The skit starts out with Satan putting all the sin in the “sin box” and then a member of my Bible team stumbles upon it. He likes what he sees and decides to put in his foot and then all of himself. He gets stuck in this sin and there is no way out. He tries to do it himself. He tries to get his friends to pull him out, but he can’t do it. A girl walks by to try to help him. She explains that Jesus loves him and that he died for him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He just waves her off and stays stuck in his on miserable mess. He stays stuck until the girl comes back and shows him that God loves him. He decides to give it a try and Jesus comes and takes his hand out of the mess.
This skit is definitely one that is interesting to me. Once we dip our foot in sin and temptation, we get taken over. It sucks us in and we get trapped. When we get far enough in, we think that we can get ourselves out. We think that other people can pull us out, but the truth of the matter is that we can’t get out of it without Jesus. We always seem to think that we can do this, but in reality…we need someone who is so much more than what we are. You would think that after years and years of hearing the same message, that I would understand this, but in reality…I fall into the same trap. I fall into the trap that when I get sucked in that I can get myself out. I can’t. It’s not me. There is no way that I can pull myself out of it, I am just trapped. Even with the little things…that’s what I have noticed lately. It’s not the big things that I am getting trapped in, but the small things that I am getting trapped in. It’s the small lies, the gossip, the small things that start off and then I get stuck and my heart is being blocked. It’s these things that happen and they pull me away from Christ. It’s the small things that I need help with the most.
My meeting with Daniel was extremely encouraging today as well. He had to go through and tell me what I was doing well and what I needed to work on. The great thing about it was there were a couple things that I already saw that I needed to improve and so we talked through those things. It was cool to see where our minds came together on things and how we both thought about the same things. It was good to talk through what needed to be talked through and to see what was going on in his mind. He told me that I was doing a great job and the things that I needed to work on had nothing to do with how Bible itself is going, so that was great to hear. It was good to hear that Bible is going well and that he thinks that it is actually going well. I am excited about that and it makes me so much more confident in what I am doing. It is good to work under him because he truly does have a heart for God and I can see that in the way that we interact and by the way that we talk about things and even how he talks and interacts with people in general. I have learned so much from him just by observing him and listening to him. He has such a passion for kids and for people in general. He has such a heart for the broken. He has a heart for God. It is awesome to see.
Other than that, the day has just been good. We met with the LIT staff to talk to them about doing prayer with them on Friday. Scott and I talked about how good it would be for us to pray as a staff first and then we will pray over the LITs. I think that it is good that we are doing this. I think that it is good for us to be following a call from God to go and to pray over them. I think that it is good to come together as a team, as one to pray for them. I am excited for these kids because I can see so much of God in them already and I know that he only wants to do so much more with them. I can see Him bringing them up in Him. I am pumped for them and to see where He takes them. He’s got them in for a great trip.

July 8, 2010
Today was a pretty good day. I feel like Bible has been getting better and better as we have gone through things more and more…obviously. Working with our Bible team especially has been so good. They are so great and I am glad to have them on my team. There are disagreements at times, but overall, it is going pretty well. The skit today was good, but definitely needs some more work and I definitely need to go through some things again. Today, we talked about the “actor” (aka…us). We talked about how we act differently around different people because that is who “we are” around them.
To demonstrate this, we used the Good Samaritan as an example, but in a modern day type of way. Bill, a lawyer, starts off the skit by throwing his “iced coffee” in the face of a worker at the local burger joint where he gets his coffee in the mornings. Later on, he gets mugged by some people who steal his money and everything that he has. This leads to him being on the side of the road crying out for help. The first person comes by who leaves him lying there is the typical Christian on their way to all their church meetings…he cannot stop to help…but he’ll pray for him at his prayer meeting that he is off to. Then you have the other lawyer…the acquaintance of Bill…but he just doesn’t have the time. And finally here she comes to save the day…the girl who he treated like trash…the worker at the burger joint. She stops and has pity on him. She is filled with compassion. These other two people seemed like they would help Bill from the outside, but on the inside…no way. She was the only one who’s words lined up with her actions.
This has been hitting me a lot lately, this aligning of words and actions. As I have been dealing with some frustrations, I have realized that what I am preaching hasn’t exactly been what I am practicing. As I tell other people to relax and chill out, I myself am not doing it. I let things get to me too much. I let what other people say anger me and then I take it out on them. I allow those things to really get at me and to bug me. And instead of dealing with it in the proper way, I let it blow up and become something so ugly.
The verse today kind of hits the nail right on the head, “Although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened” Romans 1:21. And this is what has been happening to me lately in this area. I know who God is and I know Him very well, but I am not letting that live out in me. I am not giving him the honor that he deserves by my life. I am speaking one way and going another and that is not how it should be. As I am sitting up here testifying his truth, I am doing the opposite. And this has caused hardened hearts against people as I have let lies about them fester in me. This is definitely something that God has been showing me for the past couple of weeks.

July 9, 2010
I did not sleep well at all last night. The whole night I felt this pressure on me. I kept waking up feeling something over me that was not God. It was not a good feeling and it was not something that I enjoyed. And because of it, my sleep was not good. I woke up in the morning extremely stressed and not ready to start off the day. As I was leaving breakfast, it only seemed to get worse. Megan stopped me on my way out and asked me to change something with Bible. It was not a big deal to change, but it was kind of the top off of the day. She asked me to change some things about the skit and I was fine with that. I would have been better with it if she would have asked earlier in the week, but that is okay. So, I get up to Bible and nothing seems to be going well with me. I am tired, I did not sleep well and I was on the verge of a breakdown. I sat there and I honestly did not even want to get up to the front. However, I knew that I had to force a smile and head up there. I got up and introduced the LITs to do a song and as I sat in the back I felt a huge burden on me. I could not figure out what it was. I could not deal with it. It was so heavy and so deep. I did not know why it was like this. As I got up there to do the skit, I could barely hold the tears back. Everything was so off today and I could feel it. I looked at Alissa sitting down on the ground and could tell that she could tell that I was not with it. Let’s just say that Bible today felt like a total failure. I know that it was not and I know that I am imperfect, but that is what it felt like. After everyone left, that’s when I broke down…right before I had to go hang out with all of them again. Such a perfect way to start out my day.
The carnival did not make things much better. I was still dealing with whatever it was that was on my chest. I still had this huge and heavy burden, but I could not show it because there were so many kids around. I ended up leaving to go play the piano and be alone for a while, but even that did not help very much. This day did not seem to be looking up much. In fact, I felt like it all should have just ended there. I did not want to go through the rest of the day. I did not want to deal with people asking me what was wrong. I did not want to deal with anything.
However, the day did go on and I started to work through it as the day went on. We went into our debrief meeting and to be quite honest I wanted nothing more than to not go to that meeting. I did not want to sit in the meeting as I felt like trash and as I felt that I did a terrible job only to hear those among us get praised for how great they did. I did not want to hear about how great everyone else was compared to the crappy job that I did that morning. And at the end of the meeting, God kicked me in the face. He showed me through my peers that I did do a great job. They lifted me up and encouraged me in so many great ways. I could not have been more blessed by them than I was. I mean, I still felt like trash, but their encouragement was acknowledged. They are great and I am so grateful for who they are.
Following the meeting, we had a prayer meeting with the LIT staff. There has been much disagreement between our staff and their staff lately and we decided that enough is enough. There is no room for arguments and disagreements among the two groups anymore. There comes a time when there must be unity among the both of us. We are all going for the same goal and because of that, we need to be encouraging to one another and need to lift each other up. So, it is starting to get there and we are starting to work on it. It’s not going to be easy and I know that trials will come, but we are starting to work on it. So that is what matters. It matters that we actually see that something needs to be done and that we are trying to do something.
Once they left a few of the high school camp volunteers came in and we prayed over them and with them. The LITs (Leaders in Training) are some really sweet kids. I have really enjoyed working with them this summer. They truly are a blessing in so many ways and they are so cool. I love getting to know them and seeing where they come from. I know that God is rising them up to be awesome leaders and that they will go so far in life if they keep this up. They are just so sweet and they have so much awesome potential. I am really excited to see how much more he works in them in this coming up week. They leave for a missions trip on Friday and I know that he is going to do awesome things through them there. I can feel it and I am totally pumped about it.
Even after all the good that happened today, I still felt like today was such a bad day. I still had so much burdening on my heart, but I did get through it. We headed to town tonight to get some food for Amy’s birthday. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the greatest night food choice wise, but it was good. We did have some good conversation and we actually went with a different group for once, so that was good. However, next time, I want to choose where we go to eat because I get sick of the same thing every time.

July 10, 2010
Today was an…interesting day. Everyone headed out to the beach and I did not want to go. I mean, yeah it would have been fun, but in reality I just needed a break from people. We have been with each other for a while now and it was time for me to just take a break. So today was a work day for me. I sat in Daniel and Adam’s office and worked on some stuff for camp next week. Even though I was working, it was still so good. It was a time for me to be alone and to relax. As I have had so much time to be on the go the past few weeks, it was good to relax and just chill out. So, I sat in there listening to music and folding devo booklets. It was awesome actually.
I still have had this huge burden on my heart. Part of me thinks that it is coming from dealing with other people’s problems. I mean, God has given me this passion for people, but sometimes I cannot deal with it. Lately, I have been so exhausted and ready to just relax that when I hear about other’s problems, I just want to shut down. I mean, it is not that I don’t like helping people out and being there for them, it’s just that I can’t. I need a break sometimes, I need to take care of myself. I need rest and relaxation. I need to just chill out. However, here comes the question, when is it selfishness and when is it healthy? That is a very thin line right now that I just cannot determine. However, I need to determine it.

Day Two What's up What's Up

“Hey unloving, I will love you.”
And this is what I had to say today to our kids:
“So let me get this straight…God did all of this…on his own? Nobody helped him? No!? That’s crazy talk. He has to be pretty powerful to do that, huh? Can any of you do that...I don’t think so. Last night, at fire circle, we talked about a director being the one who calls the shots for a movie or for a play. He is the guy who tells people when to come in and he is the one who yells, “ACTION.” If there weren’t someone to tell people when to come in and when to say their line, do you think that things would work out like they should? No, because they have no direction. They do not know where to go. God is our director. He created all things and everything in this earth. He knew exactly how to make things. He made everything at just the right point and in a specific way for a reason. He knows what is best for all of us and which way to put us into direction. God knows all about each and everyone of you. Did you know that he even knows how many hairs are on your head? That’s a pretty cool thing. And because he knows us so well, he wants us to follow his way because he does have a life for us to follow.”
Funny how what we teach the kids is also so hard for us. Funny how God has this life in his hands. Funny how God did so much to perfect this world, this earth, just so we could even graze it with our presence. Did God need us here? Nope, but he wanted us here. Did he need any wildlife here? Nope, but that’s what he wanted. He could have created this earth so nothing would ever survive, but every little thing he did was to keep us all alive. He built this earth so that we may live, so that he might have a relationship with us. And could he have let all of us die and suffer…yes…but did he? No. He wanted us so bad. He wanted a relationship so bad that he let his own son die in our place. Who are we to say that God has no rule over our lives? Who are we to say that we are bigger than him? Who are we to say, yeah, I can take this on my own…we are nothing compared to God. He is the biggest and greatest and we must only become smaller and smaller. He did this all for us. He does not need us at all. He could get along just fine without us. Yet, we still act like we are all that. We still act like we got all of this. We still act like we are so much bigger and that he will never be able to go on. Reality check, we’re not. Quit trying to do this thing on your own. When he says, “Go,” then go. It is time for us to get over ourselves and to just submit. God is in control and he has everything in the palm of his hands, so we just need to do it. We can trust him, he obviously wants us here or he wouldn’t have done all the things that he has done to keep us here. He loved us first.
And lastly, I have started to understand Jesus more since I have been here. As I was working today, the song “Some Will Seek Forgiveness” came on and I saw a great vision of Jesus Christ. As I was listening to it, I thought of all these things that we put on ourselves. All these names, all these labels, all these things that we think that we are, but the truth of it is, we are something completely different in his eyes. We do not have to be the person we hate so much. He wants to guide us, he wants to lead us, and he wants to fill us up with his love. He wants to fill us up with all the things that we find ourselves inadequate in and wants that to change our lives. In Him, we are beautiful. In Him, we got this. In Him, we are so much more than without him.

God of This City

You're the God of this city. You're the King of these people. You are the Lord of this nation, you are...

God is so much bigger than anything that we could ever imagine. He is so much bigger than our hurt, than our pain. He is so much bigger than our tears. He is so much bigger than our insecurities or what we have been through. He is bigger than anything that will ever bring us down. He is working through us and wants to see his love be shown. He wants us to work through the insecurities that we have. He wants us to work throught the pain that we have. He wants to work through the tears that we shed. He wants to take that and he wants to use it for the most miraculous things that he can ever use.

We sit here and we are in pain for these kids we see. We sit here and we hurt for those around us. We sit here and suffer for them on the inside. We wish that we could take away their pain and their hurt. We wish that we can take on their burdens. We wish that we could take their tears and make them our own, but let's be honest, we can't. That is not our place. That is not what God wants to use us for. Does he have the power to take away their pain? Yes, he does. Does he have the power to fix it? Yes, he does. But...that is not his plan.

As we sit here and pray for their lives to be changed, for them to not be in pain the next day, for them to not have to worry about going back home...we forget about one thing...God. He can change these things and I wish that all the evil in the world could be destroyed, but it exists and will exist. This is not God's doing and his heart does break for it, but it is not for it to be fixed, but used. So why are we here? Why do we preach the Good News that does not seem so good sometimes when we have people in pain like this? Because it is good! It is what we need! It is the double edged sword that can pierce anything and God is using it in our lives! It is not on us, we cannot take this on us! God wants to use us here. He wants to use us to show these kids that even though life might not be so great and that it may hurt sometimes or even all the time...He still reigns! He is still the strongman! He is still the one who is overcoming. God is alive and well! God is good and God is in pain for these kids. His heart breaks for them and he wants them. He wants to use them. He wants to take their pain and their hurt to show the world what such a big God can do. He wants to show the world that even through weakness, pain, and suffering that he does do good. He wants to show them that strength comes through weakness and that strength can shine God's light brighter than any light we may ever come in contact with.

God does have so much for these cities surrounding us. He has so much in store for them and he is using people every single day to show his love and his light to them. He is using people every single day to take truth where truth was never before accepted. He is using people every single day to go and speak light into the darkness where light has never ever ever ever reached before. He is using his number one soldiers out on the front line to fight this battle. Satan is already defeated, he cannot do anything. He's got nothing on us and that is a beautiful thing. All these kids that are here with us today and throughout this week are seeing that. They are seeing how God lives out in our lives and how he loves us more than we can ever imagine. They are seeing how God has captured us and is holding us so tight and how AWESOME that is. God is alive in our hearts and he is living through us. So take that Satan! We are getting our cities back and I can see these kids. I can see that there are so many greater things to be done in these cities, through them. They are being raised up to be the most powerful tools that our Christian army need. So, WHAT'S UP.

I am excited. I can feel God. I can feel him moving in us. I can feel his love pouring on us. I can see us getting torn down and that is a sign of God truly working. Where the Spirit is working there a battle is surely waiting. We're are taking on that battle...so bring it on.

I have this friend...

I know it has been a while since I have said what's up to the world and I am sorry for that world...my apologies...this is what is going on though...

Today has been a long day. A very unproductive and long day at that. The campers come next week and I feel very stressed and very pressured. I feel as though I will not get anything done...even though I have been working my butt off. It just seems like it is neverending and that the time will never come. I feel so inadequate at times when it comes to my job especially. Certain things that have been said have made me feel like I am not doing this good enough. They make me feel like I am not the right person for the job. They make me feel like trash, let's be honest. However, I do have the encouraging side of things as well. I do have the people building me up and being real with me. I do have the friends who are pulling me out and helping me out. I do have the friends who are pushing me and stretching me, but even so, it seems like the bad is outweighing the good. I just want reassurance that overtakes all the doubts...

Since June 4th

June 4, 2010
Today, I honestly felt kind of useless. I was doing work, but I felt like everything I did was so unaccomplished. I just couldn’t get myself motivated. Every time I tried to work, I just felt this burden of not wanting to. As I look into it more, I realized that my day did not start off as it usually does. I did not get a chance to spend time in the Word because I was so tired from last night. I just could not get up today. This sets off my schedule immensely.
However, later on in my day, I realized that I needed to do something about this. I needed to change my attitude and really focus on God. I decided that work was not going to get done effectively at the rate I was going and I needed to just go and be with the Lord. So, that’s what I did. It was time for me to go and be with God and let Him work in me and speak through me. I left the office to go and be in silence. I went back to the lodge and sat out on the picnic table facing the mountains. As I sat there, I let God speak to me, I let him open up my heart and my eyes to see what he wanted me to see. “God is my shield, saying those whose hearts are true and right. God is a judge who is perfectly fair, he is angry with the wicked everyday,” Psalm 7:10-11. God is a fair judge. He is a just God. He puts a shield around those who have hearts that are true and right. He protects us. He keeps us safe. I’m going to be running into a lot of tough problems this summer. There are going to be a lot of questions that are going to be asked. There are going to be a lot of “why does it have to be this way for them?” This is what I need to remember, that God is just. He believes in justice and wants to see justice. It is not God to blame for the wicked, but it is the wicked to blame for the wicked. God is all powerful and he does perform miracles, but this is still a fallen world.
As I have been out here, I have had more and more appreciation for what is around me. I have loved being outside and seeing God’s beauty. As I sit there and watch creation while I read God’s Word, it all becomes so much more real to me. I have been reading through the creation story, preparing for one of the lessons and I can just see God in everything around me. I am constantly reminded of how he really did make all of this. This is really all of his. This is God’s beauty. Not only that, but even with being with the people I am with. I am constantly reminded of God and who he is. Having small conversations, watching how people act around others, all of this shows how creative and how beautiful God truly is. When I look into people and truly see God, I am amazed. I am in awe of our creator. Then, I think this, how could I not be in awe of our creator after looking at these people? How can I not be in awe of our creator after seeing how well we interact with one another and how each of gifts fit in perfectly in the whole puzzle? Only God can do that. That is awesome in every sense of the word. It’s the little things that he keeps showing me. The little things that I have always noticed, but need to really pay attention to closer.


June 5, 2010
Today, we are going on a staff camping trip. To be quite honest, I am not so excited about it. I know that I still have a ton to do and that it will be hard to get my mind off of it. However, I also know that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I do not let myself have a good time. I need to remember that as I prepare myself to go. We do have a few hours today to relax and to chill before we actually leave. That is the time that I will be spending preparing my heart to go on this trip. It will be good for us as a team to go on the trip. Even though we do know each other really well already, it will be good to be somewhere other than a work setting. It will be good to have a change of scenery and a refreshed mind that goes along with that. It will be good to be away and to not have to worry about the distractions that we have here. And, it will be good to see a different side of God’s creation.
As I am out there in the wilderness this weekend, I hope that God will reveal himself to me. I am letting myself be opened up to God so that he can work in me. I am opening myself up to silence so that he can speak to me. I am letting my guard down and my walls down so that he can work in me. I am praying that he will take me captive and that he will pour so much into me over this weekend. I am praying that he will take everything that is on my mind and put my focus toward him and him only. I am praying that he will remove whatever is blocking me from him and break all the bondage that keeps me from him. I want God to be working in me and through me. I want to become a new creation and I want to forget the old. What better place than in the middle of nowhere in a tent?
As far as that group goes, I am hoping that we will grow closer together. I am hoping that we establish what we need to establish as a group. I am hoping that God is showing us who we are in the group and how we can be more unified as a group. I am praying that he will bring unity among us and that he will open our eyes to being vulnerable of one another. I am excited to see where God takes us as a group this weekend and to have a little insight of where he wants to take us this summer.

June 6, 2010
Yesterday we left for camping and the campsite we were going to is only an hour and a half away...well, things happened. We had been driving for about an hour and a half and we get to the site…the gate is locked. Okay, well we will just go in through the back way. We drove down the road to the other site to get in, and drive all the way through…there’s no way out, dead end. Then we turned around and start to head out. Adam sees a road that we passed and decides that we should try that one…dead end. Then we just decide to go to another campground. We get back on the road and start to travel to another camp ground. After about thirty or forty minutes, we reach one…not big enough. Then we go to another one…not enough to do. Finally, we reach Mt. Pino…just right. We hike down the trail with our stuff and set up camp, our home for two days…yay. After all this running around, it was about time for dinner…so, we sat around the campfire and hung out until dinner came…what a tiring day.
Today, we woke up and hung out for a bit before eating some breakfast. We finally got some breakfast and waited for Dan to get here to do some team building. Nothing much happened at this campfire, but last night’s campfire was pretty good. We talked a lot about God’s faithfulness in our lives and miracles we have seen him do. However, I must say that some of the conversation was hard to me. As we were talking, some things triggered back to the Taylor accident. It has been four years now, but it still hurts for me. I still have times where I cannot deal with it. I still have times where I break down into tears. I still have times where I cannot bear the burden and the weight of it all. I still have times where I question why. Last night, was one of those times. I was hurting and wanted to cry, but no one here understood. At the same time though, it gave me time to reflect with God and see how he worked in me through that. It helped me to understand why and how it hurts me. It helped me see miracles and how powerful God truly is. So, even though it was hard for me, it was still good for me. God was definitely preparing my heart through last night’s conversation. He was getting me ready for talking about hard things. He was getting me ready for dealing with my struggles, my emotions, my pain. And even though it was uncomfortable, it was still good for me.
We did some team building following breakfast. I am not much of a teambuilding person. In fact, I do not really like team building activities. That is just how I am and I know that I need to get over it. So, I did. I did the team building activities and I did not get very much out of it. But, there was one thing that was addressed during a debriefing session. We talked about the issue of sarcasm on the team. Now, most (minus one) of the team is sarcastic. We all like to be sarcastic and we all like to have a good time. However, at the same time, we know how to be serious when we need to be. Even so, our sarcasm can get out of hand sometimes. Sometimes, it can be taken the wrong way and can be seen as a put down. So, we had to work this out as a group and we talked a lot about how if it brings down our brother or sister in Christ, that we should not do it. That was a good thing to discover about the team and to help us when working together in unity.
June 7, 2010
Before we left to come home today, we spent two hours of solo time with Jesus. I went up to the rocks where we did team building yesterday. As I sat there, I began to think of all the people who have really had an influence in my life and my faith walk. It was good to see what I have learned from them and where I have been stretched and challenged. Also, I had a good conversation with God about my struggles. I struggle sometimes with who God puts in my life. I struggle sometimes with being stability for people and not always having a stable person in my own life. I struggle sometimes with having to be the strong one and with not always having a person to be the strong one for me. I struggle sometimes with God speaking through me into people’s lives that are hurting and are literally living through hell. All of this, I struggle with, but at the same time, I know that I have been blessed immensely. God has shown me what it means to look at people through his eyes. He has shown me what it means to carry the burdens of others and how we are supposed to come alongside of others. He has shown me to look at the gray areas and see where things are not so black and white. He has shown me how to step back and look at things from a different point of view. He has shown me to love with his love and with his heart and not to disregard people because of who they are or where they come from. I struggle when he tells me what to do with these gifts he has given me, but I struggle because I do not let him fill me up. I do not let him pour his love into me. I do not let him fill my cup so that it might overflow onto those around me. I try to handle it on my own sometimes and do not let God work through me and take the burdens, but I try to take the burdens on my own. This is something that I need to work on especially this summer. I need to let God be filling up my cup. I need to let God be pouring into me so that I will overflow with his love.
Heidi and I did have a good conversation yesterday as well that made me really think. As we were hiking down the mountain, I started to tell her about my semester. We talked about how I was extremely depressed this past semester and how I did not want anyone in my life. We talked about Amy and how I never really dealt with it, but just continued to go on with my life. I never dealt with it. I never stopped and processed. I never let God heal me or work in me. I just kept going, pushing myself to take care of others. God said to me yesterday, “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still, stop, and know that he is bigger than anything that I have dealt with in my life. He is bigger than anything that I have ever come in contact with. He is God, he can work through this and wants to work through this. He wants to heal me and take care of me. He wants to comfort me and encourage me.

June 8, 2010
Time is starting to get pretty tight as we have counselors coming in tomorrow and we have week in the city next week. I am ahead of schedule, but not enough ahead of schedule. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it. I have today and tomorrow to do stuff and then the afternoon on Friday, but we leave on Saturday. So, we will see how things will work out. All of my lessons are planned as of now and most of the devo books are done, but the thing is that I still have to figure out what to do with the L.I.Ts when they get here. So, there is a lot of planning in that area still. I will get it done, but I do not know when. That is okay though, getting stressed will not be a smart thing. I know that I need to relax and just chill out and go with the flow. It just means that I have to work much harder and much longer the days that I do have time to do work. After all, it will pay off in the end.
Today, I started to work on the high school devotionals. I feel like these ones come a lot easier than the younger ones. After doing the first two, I start to see where this is supposed to go and how I should direct it. This means that I probably need to go back and readjust the younger ones, but that is okay. It’s not about me, but it is about the kids. It is about what God wants to teach the kids. I think this is what I am most nervous about, I have been listening to God and allowing him to speak to me, but I so often let the lies get to me. I let the lies tell me that I did not hear correctly. I let the lies tell me that I am not good enough or that what I am doing is not good enough. Even though I know the truth about this, it does not keep me from at least listening to the lies. After a while, all I can do is let the lies get to me. However, this is where I do need to let God overcome. I need to rebuke those and let him defeat them for me. It is through him that truth comes and that is what I need to focus on. It is all God who is going to take this battle, not me.

June 9, 2010
Last night ended up being a pretty fun night. Adam needed some people to drive into LA to pick up the boat driver for the camp. Seeing how there was free Taco Bell in it for us, we naturally volunteered. It is times like these that I have loved so far at camp. It is not the forced hang out get to know the staff times, but the “hey, can you go do this and take a friend times.” It is through these times that we have had the best team bonding. It is through these times of not forced get to know you conversations that we have had the best conversations. It is through these non-formal just hang out times that we have had some challenging times and some stretching times. It is through this, that we have been able to build each other up and encourage one another. I know that it has only been a week that we have been together, but we have come close together. We have been open and real with one another. We have allowed God to work in each other through us. We have shared our struggles and been able to hold one another accountable. We have already had those arguments that we need to work through. We will have more and we will have more good times. That is what is so beautiful about coming together as a community of CHRISTIANS: we all have one thing in common and that is what holds us together. So, we may have disputes, we may have fights, but we do love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and that is what sets us apart.
Today, the counselors arrived and I am pretty excited about that. I am pumped for Alissa to be here and glad for her to have this experience. It is good to have people from back home here just because I know they will be back at school with me when I return. They are not my safety net here and I do not plan on spending a ton of time with them, but I do plan to invest in our friendships while we are here. I do want us to grow stronger and build more trust in each other so that when we do get back to school we will be able to debrief and to be real with each other. I am looking forward to seeing where God takes Alissa, Liz, and me. I am excited to see how he uses each of us in each other’s lives and when we get back to Taylor. We all are here for a reason and for different reasons at that and I am pumped to see what fruit comes of that.

June 10, 2010
We had team building activities all morning this morning. I am not going to lie, I was not too excited about it, not because I did not want to do it (which I really did not), but because I knew how much stuff I had to do. We got there and it started off pretty terrible. The guy leading chewed us out because we were late, which made me not want to do things even more, but as the time went on, I got over it. We started off with this game of “telephone.” Jared (our leader) put some items a bit of a distance away from us in a pattern. We had to, one by one, go down and look at his pattern he created and then run down and relay to the person at the end of the line what it was. The person at the end of the line passed it on to the next person and then the next and the next until it reached the first person. The person at the front of the line had to use the items in front of them to duplicate the pattern that was explained to them. It was a long game, but quite entertaining. I must say that my feelings eased up by the end of it. We finished up the game and sat in a circle to talk about how it is related to life and further how it is related to Ephesians 4:23-24 (our theme verse). As corny as it sounded, it actually was really good to talk about. It helped us to see how the verse relates to our everyday lives, especially know that we are Christians.
We finished up team building and headed to lunch and then to three hours worth of meetings. Let us just say that the meetings were so lame that my supervisor was texting me during the meetings. However, it kept me entertained, so I was okay with it. It is just really hard to go to meetings about things that you know because you have been living here. So to be oriented after living here for a while is not that fun. However, it did not kill me, so it must have made me stronger. I feel like I can do anything now that I sat through those meetings, thank you so much for making me.
The day of getting to know one another finished up with shooting one another. Five thirty rolled around and we headed up to the fields for some wings, pizza, and paintball action. It has been quite a while since I have played paintball, but let me tell you what I lit them up last night. I mean except for at the very beginning when I got drilled in the lip, but hey now I can say that I got in a fight or something cool like the. It was a good time and a good time for us to have a break from doing work and to do something that was fun and team bonding such as that. I mean, we have breaks all the time at night, but this was a real organized break and that was definitely needed.

June 11, 2010
Today started out pretty gloomy. We had breakfast and then headed to a seminar about depression, suicide, and abuse. Not really the way that I wanted to start out my day, but it does need to be addressed at some point. As I was sitting there, it did bring a lot back to me though. I did have a lot of memories about what it is like to be young and to be young and depressed at that. Now that I look back on all that and as I sat there today, I realized how much I do have to offer to kids who are going through that. I understand what that is like and I understand how it feels to be depressed at that age. I understand what it means to not want to go to school or how there is that one last straw that breaks the camel’s back. That can help me and at the time and even after I got over it, I felt like such a loser for ever feeling that way, but now I realize that good can come out of it. It can help me help others and God’s light can truly shine because of it. God did work through all of that and he has helped me deal with it and that is what the beauty of it all is. I can help others see that same beauty.
Following all of that, I needed to continue to work on devotions for senior high and junior high camps. As I wrote the devotionals for the camps, I really got to thinking about how big God truly is. I mean, I know this and I have thought about this before, but I have never until now let it take my breath away the way that it did. As I wrote about God being the director of our lives, I could not get it out of my mind that God spoke…and it happened. He did nothing but merely speak and it happened. Nothing more, nothing less, but speak. Seriously, that takes my breath away. It is so cool to think that our God is so big and so powerful that all he has to do is speak and things fall into place. All he has to do is say that he wants something and it happens. All he has to do is command and BAM! That is incredible to me, why can’t I do that? Oh yeah, I am not God. Which is another thing that has been good to bring back into perspective