The Plague of Anxiety

Anxiety is a beast that I have yet learned to tame. It is unpredictable and sneaks up at the worst possible times. It’s not always triggered by the same things and it completely cripples its victims. Needless to say it is the worst.

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life but it’s recently been a topic of conversation. I usually keep my anxiety to myself and don’t talk through it. I have found in the past that it is hard to talk through with people who don’t struggle with it. They always want to make it better or make it go away when it just doesn’t work that way. Because of this reaction I get more anxious to talk about it which in return gives me panic attacks and makes the whole situation worse.

As I was talking to a friend yesterday she told me that she is fearful of how I do not show my anxiety when it is having an affect on me. My normal response was that I have to keep it under control and by letting it show is letting it control me. I have justified that by not talking through it or by keeping it on the down low that I am controlling it. However, the more that I process this the more I realize that I am letting anxiety control me. I am letting my fear of reactions control the way that I handle the situation or even the way that I let it affect me.

The reality is that our society doesn’t allow for the normalcy of anxiety. We deem anxiety and depression as some kind of abnormality. Despite the multitude of conversations that have come up in the past couple of years, there is still a stigma about this issue that does not allow humans to be who they are in the midst of their struggles.

Our culture does a good job of trying to find the root of these issues, but as a Christian woman who struggles with both anxiety and depression I want to be very honest about what does not help. It does not help to have someone ask you about if you think it could be spiritual warfare. Yes, I have thought through this and yes I think that it plays a factor into my mental health but it is not the root of the issue. It is not solely resting on my relationship with God or with the amount of time I spend in the Word. Instead of harping on the spiritual warfare and how it must be satan that is doing this, pray for those who have anxiety and depression. Be encouraging with the Word.

It does not help to remind us of how we should go see a counselor or therapist. Chances are that we have tried this or we aren’t at a point where we feel comfortable going. The reality is that sometimes we just need those around us to hear us and to be there. This doesn’t mean finding a solution to what is wrong, but it means to be a good friend who is caring and loving. Sometimes it means just giving us a hug or an encouraging word because we need to know that we aren’t alone.

Finally, it does not help to hear that it will get better. It might get better in the future, I am not discounting that, but it might not. This may be something that we struggle with for the rest of our lives. We understand that it might be something that will always be hanging over our heads. Of course this isn’t ideal, but it is reality. The truth is that we need our friends and family to understand this as well. We know that those who surround us want it to go away as much as we do, but we need the support of reality. We need to have people around us not try to understand what we are going through but just to understand in general.

This isn’t meant to sound negative or cynical but is an honest post about what I have been struggling with. I think that I struggle more with it because people look at anxiety and depression as being fearful and sad. It’s hard to recognize it as more than just that and realize that it is an illness. However, in the midst of all of this I do find joy and happiness. I do not let this destroy my life and not let me live, but some days are harder than others. My challenge to all humans is to start hearing out the words of those who struggle with this. Don’t be a fixer, but be a listener. Allow people to have a place to put their trust and a place that helps them to feel safe. Don’t be afraid to voice concerns, but know the audience you speak to. Most of all, don’t downplay the reality of anxiety and depression.

10

Two days ago I was sitting with my family and my father had mentioned that he was asked to be interviewed for the 10 year anniversary of the Taylor accident. There was frustration in his voice as he talked about it and he responded with, "they all want to remember it when there are a few of us who are just trying to forget." The pain and the frustration in my father's comments made this year's anniversary harder for me than in the past. 

In all honesty I don't want to forget the accident and to the reality is that I will never be able to forget the accident. It changed my life forever and has shaped me into the human being that I am in. However, the pain that my father has gone through within these ten years has brought me to a place where I am fearful to talk about it. Part of me feels dumb to continue to grieve after ten years and another part feels that for my father's sake I should forget it. 

Throughout the day yesterday, I did not have much processing time or reaction to the accident. As the day went on there were more and more posts and texts that came in that eventually brought me to a breakdown point. We recognize the event as we have gone through life and everyone has moved on. We have grown and we have been through life, but I don't feel like it was ten years ago. I feel like everything happened yesterday and my life is continuing to be impacted by it. A lot of our lives are being impacted by it day after day. It's hard to believe that it was ten years because it has felt more like one day. 

I don't want to forget this day ever happened and I want to continue to remember it. I would love to forget some of the pain, but the truth is that through the pain I have grown. Ten years later and I am still learning from the lives of the people who died that day. I am grateful for the interactions that I did have during their times at Taylor. I am grateful for the people that they had become at that time and how they impacted so many lives around them. I am grateful for how they taught me to love others and that everyone in my life that I come in contact with is important. I am grateful to grieve because grieving means that there was meaning in that accident. 

The accident still challenges me in the goodness of God. Even when I don't want to listen or when I am trying to run away, he continues to speak through this event. I have seen what he has done through this and what he continues to do. Here's to ten years of remembrance and to those lives who have had such an impact on who I am today.