A Passion for the Unseen

God bless my roommate for putting up with me and my passions about the human race. It seems as though whenever I tend to get heated about the mistreatment of humans or even the thought of it, she is the one who gets to hear it. I would not trade my passion for human beings for anything else in this entire world. More so, I would not change my quick to speak on behalf of others or even react when I feel that people are treated in an unjust way.

My passion and feelings toward the human race has been sparked again more recently. A week ago, my roommate and I were sitting in a coffee shop talking to one of the baristas about the “homeless dudes who are always yelling” outside of his apartment. He made some rude comment about homelessness in general and it had me extremely heated. Not only do I work with homeless people, but these are the men that my organization works directly with. It struck a pretty painful and irritating chord with me to say the least. Though this incident only left me heated for a little bit, it did start to reignite my passion for the powerless and voiceless.

Until recently, this passion hasn't died necessarily, but has been put on the back burner as I have fallen into the realities of life. I have become content with where I am at in my jobs and life in general. I haven't had any heated debates that have truly made my blood boil and in reality, I haven't even been that irritated with the human race. As dumb as it may sound, these are the things that keep my passion going and that really challenge me in my thinking. However, I haven't had to fight for anything lately, let alone anyone. To be quite honest, I was grateful for this conversation to happen because though it made me angry, it made me angry with good reason.

This past Friday, I really got a chance to allow myself to be fed in this way as I went to hear Steve Corbett speak on the impoverished and unseen people. It was so refreshing to be sitting in a room full of people who have the same desires and goals for the human race as me. It was even more refreshing to hear such a brilliant and compassionate man speak on a hope for the people who have been isolated from the rest of the world. As I sat in that auditorium, I felt full of life as I knew that this dream isn't over, but that it is continuing and in some ways beginning. 

Ramblings of a Missional City

Vision has been something that has felt so far away for such a long time. I understand that visions are something that ll human beings have, but the reality of the matter is sometimes we don't allow ourselves to see those visions. There is this disconnect between vision and heart that is a product of fear. If I am being completely honest with myself, I have allowed fear to stunt my vision growth greatly in the last year or two. I have allowed myself to believe that vision is nothing but a dream and unattainable dreams at that.

Had I not moved to Indy, my view on vision probably would not have changed. In fact, my view would have been more cynical and my heart hardened even more. Being in Indy has reignited my passion and my heart for God's people and for a Kingdom mindset. Vision is not just some dream that is unattainable anymore, but instead it is a goal that I am constantly moving towards. The brokenness that surrounds me does not bring me down, but instead it motivates me. It motivates me to find beauty and to move forward with the plans that God has called me to.

The reality of all this vision talk is that seeing a future for God's Kingdom does not mean to start big. Just like any other project the furthering of the Kingdom has to start small. Nothing becomes something overnight. This Kingdom can only be expanded through God and the people of God. It has to be through listening and then responding to the voice of God. And it can't be discouraged through the thought of "nothing happening." Our human minds can't handle i sometimes because we cannot see it, but God is working and he is moving forward with his Kingdom.

I have this desire and passion to bring together the people of God for the purpose of God. I would love to see borders crossed and walls broken down to help those that God loves most. The truth is that we have so many churches with people who have beautiful hearts for God and why not work for the same goal? The vision that has been given to me is for us to bring together our skills and work toward expanding the Kingdom of God in our cities. Specifically, how can we bring our own skill sets together and help those who do not have voice to speak for themselves? Spiritual hunger is not only fed through church and scripture, but it is through the love of Christ. The love of Christ is not given only through conventional evangelism, but through tangible concepts as well. Find the need and then pull together a network of people to accomplish the goal of fulfilling the need.

Vulnerability Within Inadequacy

Often times when I am going through Spiritual warfare, I imagine myself being the "patient" in the Screwtape Letters.  I imagine myself in these battles as I am starting to win how the Devil is only plotting his next move. I suppose it is a strange thought to find myself in the middle of fake conversations between demons in a book written by C.S. Lewis, but minds have to be imaginative every once in a while.

The latest battle that I have been dealing with is being an inadequate human being. This is an odd thing for me to admit as I appear to be fairly confident on the outside, but even I have to have human qualities I guess. The true battle that lies within this fear of inadequacies is allowing the Devil's lies to steer it rather than the truth of God. It's so much easier to hear the lies over the truth and convenience wins over challenge. At least that is what the enemy tells us and I have found myself following that more often than not lately.

The truth is that with transition comes new struggles, new challenges, or past ones that are revisited. Moving down to Indy has been a great thing for me and God has truly been working in me since I have been here. I have felt what it means to have the joy of the Lord within me again. I have rediscovered what passion is and have grown in my passions. However, as I have been growing, I have fallen into a spiritual battlefield. The great truths that the Lord has revealed to me are manipulated and twisted into the lies that the Devil wants me to believe. I have fallen into the comparison of myself with others down here in a wide variety of areas. I see greatness happening all around me and instead of being encouraged, I see how I have fallen short and I am not good enough. Allowing vulnerability for a defeat by the enemy.

This is where I have to start my own plan of counteracting the attacks that are thrown my way. I can either allow my flaws and short comings bring me down and fall into a pit of self pity or I can allow the Lord to work through those. Anxiety and fear have no place where the truth of the Lord resides and in this I can find true confidences. I am human and I do have flaws just like all of those who surround me who I compare myself to. Even with all of my imperfections and downfalls as a human being, I can have faith in the fact that God will strengthen me through those. I cannot be afraid of the pain that comes along with that process, but instead embrace it. Embracing flaws brings on a more complete picture of not only God, but the body of Christ that surrounds us. Here's to further challenges within 2013 and moving forward.

Naptown's Reminders

1. A Reminder of Joy

Over the past few weeks, I have rediscovered what it feels like to be overcome with joy. I would honestly say that this is a feeling that has been missing for quite sometime in my life. I have been happy and I have even seen glimpses of joy, but being overwhelmed with joy has been out of the question. However, through being in Indy and having the chance to really take a breath for the first time in a long time, I have found this sweet joy that I have been missing for so long. 

The truth of the matter is that happiness is nothing without joy. It's funny to think that I have been told that for so long, but it took a period of time without it for me to completely understand it. Now that I have felt joy again, I need to not take it for granted, but instead keep ahold of it. I need to keep ahold of it not only in the times that are happy, but also in the times that are rough. Joy is something that we all connect with happiness, but the reality of the matter is that joy comes from the Lord. This means that even in the toughest times, we can feel true joy if we are rooted in the Lord. 

2. A Reminder of True Community

 Community was something that was completely lacking in my life over the past year. I had a bit of a community in Muncie, but I only partially felt a part of it. I was going through some rough times that I had no one to really work through with me. Since being here in Indy I have not only been a part of one great community, but two great communities.

Going to Indy Metro has helped me to see what church community looks like. For the longest time I have forgotten the beauty of community within the church. My old church had it, but I never felt fully a part of the community. I have felt fully a part of the church since I first started going to Indy Metro two months ago. The group of people that I have met there have been encouraging, uplifting, challenging, and some of the greatest people that I have ever known. It's definitely been a blessing to be a part of a group where I feel like I can be real about life with them 

Aside from that I have found great community in the group of women that I work with at Starbucks. Since being here I have already seen God working in me through them. I have been able to be open and honest with them. I have already walked through struggle and challenges with them since being here. We have laughed together and cried together which is a weird thing for me to ever admit. The reality is that they have encouraged me and they have challenged me. They push for me to be a better person not only in the work place, but also in life. 

3. A Reminder of Passion

I haven't allowed my passion to truly come out in a while. I have felt that it's been stunted by my lack of joy or even lack of desire. I have been afraid to seek out my passion or to even feel it because I know how much it hurts when it's no longer there. Such a typical human reaction to lack of something to not seek it out because they won't want to lose it once it's there. Looking at that now I see how ridiculous that is, but I am human so I am quite ridiculous to begin with. 

Two weeks ago in my interview with Wheeler, my passion started to really be ignited again. Talking through things that I love and care for in the interview. Being open and honest about how excited I get when human beings start to see their true meaning stirred up something great in me. But to be completely honest, this was the question that was the actual game changer, "If there is one thing that you could tell these women, what would it be?" With that question, I felt the Spirit of the Lord come over me. This was the breaking point and it's about time.

My passion was restored as I answered with how my soul longs for people to see their true worth. I desire for the women that I come in contact with (and anyone else for that matter) to see themselves as God sees them. I desire for people to diffuse the lies of the world that are being thrown at them and to rise up and become who they were designed to be. I wish for all the hope that has been destroyed to be restored and for them to see that this can be a hopeful place. That within all of the darkness there is some bit of light that shines through. I wish for all people to see that in all the brokenness there is hope for something greater to rise up. 

It's through these three reminders that God has really pursued me since I have been in Indy. I have truly felt his presence and I have truly been challenged by his Spirit. It has been rough at times, but it has been amazing at the same time. The truth of it all is that I am starting to realize what it feel like to be alive again. It is something that has been so refreshing and I am so blessed by it. I am blessed by this time in my life and most of all by the people that God has put in my life. 

An Unorganized Rambling

We are in this constant battle of understanding God and his permission of sin, death, and tragedy. The question of "How does such a great God permit such terrible things" is something that haunts not only  non Christians but Christians as well. To think that we, as Christians, do not question this is nothing but a lie. We struggle with the same question and we at times do not see God in the midst of chaos. It is purely human nature, we flee and find something to fill the void. However, God is there in the midst of chaos and though reason to tragedy may not be understood we can still find him there.

God hates to see his children in pain and suffering. He hates that sin brings his children into pain and suffering. He hates that sin leads to death and destruction. This is where we, as humans, get confused. We do not understand why God would allow something that he hates to happen in our lives. If he hates it and if he is the God of the universe then why not make it stop? This question is often where we allow destruction within ourselves.

As I was reading through one of my former professor's blogs today I came across this quote, "God permits what he hates in order to accomplish what he loves."Sin came into this world and there is no reversing of that. We are all tainted and we all live in sinful nature, but there is some beauty in that. God permits for pain to happen so that he can accomplish even greater things in our lives and in the world. It is through our pain and suffering that God truly shows up. It is through our pain and suffering that we are humbled and that God shows us that we cannot do it on our own. Though it may seem unfair to us that we have to go through certain things, the reality is that these are the things that build us and strengthen us.

The challenges and struggles that we go through only make us into greater people. If we never went through hardships how would we be prepared for our next phases in life? How great would our God be if he just made everything easy for us and protected us against everything? If we never fail and we never hurt, then we will never learn. We must not look at this with the idea of God bringing on hardships in our lives, but instead in the light of him allowing us to go through them.

To know this and to practice this mindset are two completely different things. I know that God is there in the midst of chaos and I know that my struggles will help me later on, but it doesn't make it any easier at the time. It still brings on confusion and it still hurts, but I know that there is beauty in the end of all of it. I know that when I get through it that there will be something that comes from all of it and all I can do is press on. With that being said, here's to pressing on in 2013 and continuing to find the beauty of God's plan even in the darkest hours. 

Naptown's Life Lessons

Since living in Indy, I have been challenged extremely by what grace really looks like in my life. I have grown to understand that there is such a thing as grace, but it gets a little blurry when I continue to fall into the same rut. As a human I know that I will fail and that there is grace, but even so I am not always convinced by the concept.

I have always been mocked by my friends about the way that I challenge myself on small things. I challenge myself in illogical ways that will only bring me to my failure. I don't start small and build up, but instead I go to the extreme. This has been something that I have always done mainly because I feel that if I don't set the bar too high I won't actually try to accomplish it. It's not a challenge if the bar isn't high enough. This issue of mine has seemed to seep through on a much larger scale over the years, however. It's no longer a challenge of not saying a specific phrase for a month or not being sarcastic for a day, but has transferred into personal goals of building my character.

This idea of unrealistic challenges is not something that I would say is necessarily a bad thing, but it has to be handled properly when dealing with real life. I am a person who wants to continually challenge who I am because I know that there is always room for growth. If I am not growing and becoming more like my creator, then I am clearly not living out the life I am supposed to. I see these flaws in myself that I need to fix and then I attempt to do so. I make unrealistic challenges to myself because I have conditioned my mind to only think in that way. After this, I fall short and feel like a complete failure. With that failure comes confusion, pain, and the challenge of understanding grace.

With humanity comes failure and I am fully aware of that, but it is hard to hear truth within failure. Any person who grew up in a church that spoke the true Gospel knows that we all fall short and God gives us grace. However, knowing is nothing without understanding. Grace is a beautiful thing once we learn how to let it cover us and then to grow from it, but it's not always that easy. For me, failure paralyzes me and all I can believe are the lies thrown my way. I can't move on and move forward because I allow myself to believe that I do not deserve the grace that is given to me. I allow room for conviction, but no room for grace and healing.

The beautiful thing about God is that even in our greatest disbeliefs, he doesn't give up on us. The reality of the matter is that I am human and I am going to fail. I am going to make the same promises and say that I will change, but I know that I will fall short sometimes. Even in those failures, I know that God is still there and he hasn't given up. His grace will continue to pour out on me, but it is what I decide to do with the grace that is poured on me. I can either move forward and let it change me or I can continue to be in this contentment of failure. God's pursuing me on this and though I am scared, I am also excited to see where it goes.

The "I'm Fine" Dilemma

The New Year often brings in a "new you" mentality amongst most people in the world. It's a new year, a time to become that person that one has always dreamed of. It's the time to become a better person, a more fit person, a more adventurous person. However, most people make unreasonable goals that cannot be achieved and often times fail at whatever goal is set out to achieve.

Typically, I am not one to set up New Years resolutions for myself. Not that I have something against people doing it, but more so because I don't have a strong desire to do so. I have a lack of motivation in making a major goal for myself to accomplish just because it is a new year. However, as of recently, I have decided that there is one thing that I do not want to carry on into 2013. That one thing is something that I would like to call the, "I'm Fine" Dilemma.

The need to always be fine is the inability to give up whatever is not making a person "fine" or even better than that, "good." This inability is not always a conscious decision, but typically is not knowing how to do so. Whatever it is that cripples a person has most likely been doing so for his or her entire life and in that case it is hard to see a solution. It has become a part of life and has brainwashed it's way into normal. 

The other side to the inability of surrendering this burden is not being able to give up control. Being in control of the situation and taking matters into one's own hands is a comforting feeling. If things do not go well, there is no vulnerability involved, just logical explanations. No one else is in charge and there is no one else to converse with about the topic. The only response needed is, "I'm fine" and time to move on. 

The "I'm Fine" Dilemma is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I want to be real with people, but at the same time I do not want to be a burden so my response, "I'm fine. It's fine. No big deal." The reality of the matter is that it is not fine and I am not fine. In order to truly move into 2013, I need to discover what makes me not fine and what I really need to deal with. 

In John 5:7, Jesus asks a paralyzed man a simple question, "Do you want to get well?" The man's reply is, "I can't, sir." While reading this, I get a bit confused. This man had been lying there for 35 years. He has not moved from that spot, he is looked down on, and is not a considered a valid part of society. And even within that, he said that he could not be healed? He knew nothing else than where he was at. He had nothing within him that thought that healing was even a possibility. He was simply, "fine."

I have been asked this same question, "Do you want to get well?" and I have responded in the same way, "I can't." However, this is something that I want to leave in 2012. The reality of the matter is that if I ever want to look like my God, my creator, I need to admit that I am not fine. This year is the search of what makes me not fine and how to allow the Lord to make me well. In order to do this, it is to be real with those around me and to be honest. I am not well, but the Lord is going to make me well.