Not too long ago I was on my way to meet a few of my friends for dinner when something so odd and a bit hurtful happened to me. I was stopped at a stoplight and this woman looked at me and said, "Oh my God, what happened to you? I feel bad for your parents." As anyone would be, I was a bit taken back by this comment. I didn't really know how to respond aside from just saying, "excuse me?" That is when she responded with, "You are really ugly."
The truth is that I don't try to hard to be the most beautiful human in the world. To be quite honest I often envy my friends for how gorgeous they are but at the same time outer beauty has never been something that I value too highly. I value being comfortable in my skin and living life the way I was created to be. That has never been something that has been hard for me to do because I find such high value in human beings. However, these words brought me down and brought me down hard.
There is one part of me that realizes that the human being who said this to me does not know me. She does not know my life or what I do for a living. She has absolutely no clue who I am or who I aspire to be. Then there is the human part of me that realizes words hurt. This woman may not know me, but she still took a hard punch at me. The truth is that I can be the most confident human being in the world but I still have fears of how the world sees me. I don't want to be viewed as the most beautiful human in the world but I also don't want to be called ugly. The truth is that words hurt and they can really do damage to the soul.
This situation hasn't ruined my life or brought me down every day, but it has challenged me a little bit. It has challenged me in what I value and in who I am to an extent. The truth is that I still struggle with comparing myself to the other women in my life and even those who I have never met before. I constantly struggle with not being as beautiful or talented as them. The moment that I start having those thoughts is when I hear this woman's resounding voice in my head.
This scenario has been much more real lately as I hear all of my guy friends talk about all these smoking hot girls. They talk to me about my friends and how beautiful they are. I have always been one of the guys in these situations. They feel comfortable telling me how great all my friends are and how they would love to go on dates with them while I am left here thinking, "Why don't they notice anything about me? Why is it always someone else?" I sit there hoping that maybe they will throw a compliment my way instead of telling me why everyone else is so great.
In no way am I saying that I am not beautiful or that I don't have things going for me, but I will say that my pride has been hurt a little bit lately. The struggle of trying to find myself in the midst of constant lies is definitely real. The reality is that I continually have to remind myself of who I am and the woman that I am growing into. That constant reminder is exhausting and sometimes even unbearable, but to fully give up is even more exhausting. There will be many challenges and fights about who I really am, but I am confident that I can overcome and win those battles.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
The Fear of Being an Adult
When I was a kid I wasn't much of a fearful child. There were never any monsters under my bed or in my closet. The trees outside during the storm were always trees to me never any giants trying to get in to take me away. The fears of a child were illogical to me even with my never ending imagination. Clearly I was afraid of things, but fear itself was never something I was familiar with. There was always a logical explanation and through that explanation any ounce of fear disappeared.
Today I still don't fear much, but fear has definitely become more of a reality to me. It's not of anything dumb like spiders or snakes but I have a great fear of loss. I don't fear natural loss but I do fear losing what is closest to me. I fear what is not logical or what I cannot make sense of. I fear the things that I have no control over and the pain that comes along with those situations.
Over the past few weeks this has become more and more real to me. I have been walking in the midst of fear and have been paralyzed by it. This fear has taken me to a place where I do not have any words and have no ability to communicate. It keeps me from being able to truly see what is going on in the world around me and has stopped me in my tracks. The worst part of all of it is that I don't really know how to overcome the fear right now. I don't know the best way to talk about it or to work through it. All I know is that I hate this feeling more than anything else in the world.
A few weeks ago I found out that a person who is dear to me has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first heard the news I was in shock. After the shock had worn off, I went through the the typical stages that I go through when I am in a time of crisis. First, I made sure that everyone else was dealing with it and helped them through their thoughts and feelings. Then, I removed myself from everyone else and tried to "handle" it and "be strong" just like always. Finally, I hit the point of where I am at now where I see the importance of processing, but have no idea how to.
The final stage of crisis for me is where all the fear kicks in. I am fearful of talking about it but also about not talking about it. I am fearful of all the possible situations and not knowing outcome. I am fearful of not feeling any pain at all and being numb. These are the fears that we start to face as adults. We start to realize that the world around us is real and that there is true pain in the world. It is at times like these that I would give anything to have childish fears. I would do anything to come face to face with the monster under the bed or the angry tree that lives outside my window, but that just doesn't come with adulthood. As for now I must grab my shield and my sword and go at life with everything I've got because these fears aren't going to back down and I'm never going to let them destroy me. Here's to fighting on and moving forward.
Today I still don't fear much, but fear has definitely become more of a reality to me. It's not of anything dumb like spiders or snakes but I have a great fear of loss. I don't fear natural loss but I do fear losing what is closest to me. I fear what is not logical or what I cannot make sense of. I fear the things that I have no control over and the pain that comes along with those situations.
Over the past few weeks this has become more and more real to me. I have been walking in the midst of fear and have been paralyzed by it. This fear has taken me to a place where I do not have any words and have no ability to communicate. It keeps me from being able to truly see what is going on in the world around me and has stopped me in my tracks. The worst part of all of it is that I don't really know how to overcome the fear right now. I don't know the best way to talk about it or to work through it. All I know is that I hate this feeling more than anything else in the world.
A few weeks ago I found out that a person who is dear to me has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first heard the news I was in shock. After the shock had worn off, I went through the the typical stages that I go through when I am in a time of crisis. First, I made sure that everyone else was dealing with it and helped them through their thoughts and feelings. Then, I removed myself from everyone else and tried to "handle" it and "be strong" just like always. Finally, I hit the point of where I am at now where I see the importance of processing, but have no idea how to.
The final stage of crisis for me is where all the fear kicks in. I am fearful of talking about it but also about not talking about it. I am fearful of all the possible situations and not knowing outcome. I am fearful of not feeling any pain at all and being numb. These are the fears that we start to face as adults. We start to realize that the world around us is real and that there is true pain in the world. It is at times like these that I would give anything to have childish fears. I would do anything to come face to face with the monster under the bed or the angry tree that lives outside my window, but that just doesn't come with adulthood. As for now I must grab my shield and my sword and go at life with everything I've got because these fears aren't going to back down and I'm never going to let them destroy me. Here's to fighting on and moving forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)