When I was a kid I wasn't much of a fearful child. There were never any monsters under my bed or in my closet. The trees outside during the storm were always trees to me never any giants trying to get in to take me away. The fears of a child were illogical to me even with my never ending imagination. Clearly I was afraid of things, but fear itself was never something I was familiar with. There was always a logical explanation and through that explanation any ounce of fear disappeared.
Today I still don't fear much, but fear has definitely become more of a reality to me. It's not of anything dumb like spiders or snakes but I have a great fear of loss. I don't fear natural loss but I do fear losing what is closest to me. I fear what is not logical or what I cannot make sense of. I fear the things that I have no control over and the pain that comes along with those situations.
Over the past few weeks this has become more and more real to me. I have been walking in the midst of fear and have been paralyzed by it. This fear has taken me to a place where I do not have any words and have no ability to communicate. It keeps me from being able to truly see what is going on in the world around me and has stopped me in my tracks. The worst part of all of it is that I don't really know how to overcome the fear right now. I don't know the best way to talk about it or to work through it. All I know is that I hate this feeling more than anything else in the world.
A few weeks ago I found out that a person who is dear to me has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first heard the news I was in shock. After the shock had worn off, I went through the the typical stages that I go through when I am in a time of crisis. First, I made sure that everyone else was dealing with it and helped them through their thoughts and feelings. Then, I removed myself from everyone else and tried to "handle" it and "be strong" just like always. Finally, I hit the point of where I am at now where I see the importance of processing, but have no idea how to.
The final stage of crisis for me is where all the fear kicks in. I am fearful of talking about it but also about not talking about it. I am fearful of all the possible situations and not knowing outcome. I am fearful of not feeling any pain at all and being numb. These are the fears that we start to face as adults. We start to realize that the world around us is real and that there is true pain in the world. It is at times like these that I would give anything to have childish fears. I would do anything to come face to face with the monster under the bed or the angry tree that lives outside my window, but that just doesn't come with adulthood. As for now I must grab my shield and my sword and go at life with everything I've got because these fears aren't going to back down and I'm never going to let them destroy me. Here's to fighting on and moving forward.
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