Fearless

I don't normally talk about spiritual warfare with my friends. It is not because I don't want to, but it is more so because I don't feel that they want to. I suppose that it comes down to beliefs and understanding of it and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. This is odd for me as I am a very honest person on many topics. The other night I was sitting in a bar getting to know someone who I have known for many years and this conversation topic came up. It is funny, first of all, how God works and also who I was having this conversation with. 

My understanding of the spiritual realm comes from when I was in high school. My friends favorite pastime was to go "ghost hunting" in abandoned houses. To most high school students this was a thrill to go somewhere that they weren't supposed to, but to me it was an invitation to darkness. As time went on, I started to realize that if we were going in order to be terrified, the devil would use that to his advantage. I knew that through fear I was putting myself in direct line of spiritual battle. I was opening myself up to all sorts of attacks from the devil.

Though I started to understand the spiritual realm and warfare during high school, it never became much of a conversation topic. There were always those random times when it was brought up and I chimed in, but other than that it stayed hush hush. It doesn't make sense to me that we don't talk about it more as we live in the middle of a warzone. We talk about our struggles and sins, but completely disregard the outside forces that are fighting us. We make sense out of demons that people see or the oppression that is heavy on people as they can't sleep at night. We admit that there is bad in the world, but when it comes to the army that is rising up against us, it becomes a difficult conversation. 

The reality of the matter is that there are forces out there. There is something that we are fighting against and we should not just ignore it. We ignore it because ignorance allows us to get by without having to fight. We don't have to deal with something that "we don't know" is there. We are called to fight the battle and to live our lives in the name of the Lord. By not ignoring the fact that there is indeed a spiritual war going on, we are becoming tools of the devil. He wants us to be ignorant to it as he can do his best work in ignorance. It is our call to rise up and take this on. We should be open, willing to talk, and ready to come together as a body to fight against it. 

Fear is of the devil and to live this life in ignorance is showing that we are fearful. The truth of the matter is that the war has already been won. We have been shown how this all goes down in the end and that is how we should fight. We should fight with confidence that the Lord has already taken this all on. He has already won this for us, it is our job to now step up. It is funny how God brings on conversations like this through the most random people. This is a conversation that I don't have with my closest friends because I am nervous to, but I can talk to someone who I barely know about it. It is funny how he stirs up things in us through the most random situations. 

Voice of God

The voice of God is always an interesting topic to talk about with others. As I have been in this transition phase of life, the voice of God has been more intriguing to me than ever before. The main reason for this is because I want to know what the next step is in my life. I want to hear God's voice and know where I am being pointed. However, this has been a constant battle within in my head as I am trying to understand what God is saying to me or what his voice sounds like. It all hit me yesterday as I was sitting in church and listening to the pastor speak about the voice of God. We have it so misconstrued sometimes and we aren't really listening.

First of all, it is so easy to fall into the trap of spending too much time on how to hear God's voice instead of listening to God's voice. This is a device that the devil likes to use as God starts to speak to us. We think that God is being silent because we are searching for how to hear his voice, but the reality of the matter is that we need to just listen. None of us hear God in the same way and we don't even always hear God in the same way. God is speaking, it is just a matter of listening.

Aside from the problem of how to hear God's voice, we are trying to hard to interpret what he is saying instead of just following his directions. The truth is that sometimes we just don't want to hear what God is saying. We want to find another meaning in it or we want to go in another direction. The biggest reason behind this is because we are afraid of what might happen if we follow his direction. We don't want to be pushed out of our comfort zone because it might lead us down a road that we are not willing to take. This leads us to "not hearing" the voice of God. 

We tend to forget the fact that we already know the voice of God. It is the same voice that called us to follow him. It's the same voice that called us his children and offered a place in his home for us. It's a familiar voice that we all know but often forget when life gets crazy and hectic. The reality of the matter is that in order to hear the voice, we must be close enough to the person is speaking. In order to have a relationship in which the voice can be clearly heard, it is important to spend intimate time with the Lord. The reality of the matter is when life gets crazy and busy it is easy to put that relationship on the back burner. When this happens every other voice gets much louder and it is those voices that we hear.

God does not stop speaking contrary to popular belief. In order to actual hear him, we have to actually be listening. The truth of the matter is that when we are searching, it is easy to forget how to hear his voice. It is easy to do what we want instead of following his plan. It is easy to forget what his voice sounds like. It is knowing these things about ourselves and then changing them that will help us to hear God's voice. God is speaking, he wants us to hear him and it's our choice to do so.

A Continued Lesson

Over the last few weeks, I have started to understand my fears. I come off as a pretty confident person or so I like to believe. Nothing really scares me, I am willing to do anything, and to be honest I am ready to go anywhere and do anything. However, as these last few weeks have come straight at me, I realize that I am not that person. As I am in this phase of life, a college graduate working at Starbucks, I have felt my confidence starting to dwindle down.

I have a degree and for the past year, I have been working with that degree. However, the place that I have been put in has not allowed me to really see that. I feel like the fact that I work so much at Starbucks makes me feel like I have done nothing. I am constantly attacked with the thoughts of rejection as I am only a barista in Gas City, Indiana. The reality of the matter is that no matter how many times I hear the truth, the lies are so much louder. It's this fear of amounting to nothing that has got me stuck in a rut.

When in this position, I feel like the best decision to make is to run away. Not literally...my friends won't let me do that, but to retreat from the current setting that I am in. It is necessary to take a break from my (pointless) life and go to a place where I can clear my head. What better place to do this than Chicago, Illinois? I have spent the last couple of days with no agenda relaxing at my adopted parent's apartment in the city. It is through this break that I have had the chance to really hear out the truth that I need to hear. More so, hear out the truth that I have been speaking to people.

As graduates, we fall into this place where we don't feel accomplished if we are not where we always pictured ourselves to be. As Christian graduates, we continue to say that we will go wherever God wants us to, but deep down have a plan of our own. We have an idea of where we want to go and what we want to do and if that is not where we are, we have failed. We lose confidence that we will become anything because we our life is of no significance to us. We aren't changing the world and aren't accomplishing major goals. Our main purpose in life is to work, make money, pay bills, repeat. This isn't the ideal life that we painted for ourselves.

However, it is all based on perspective. My friend Sarah Tabb can assure you that I do love talking on the topic of perspective. From my perspective, I should be out there doing something crazy and living life in a big city or another country. I should be changing lives in crazy ways and having an incredible impact on those around me. My gifts should be put to use in a completely different setting than I have been cursed with for the past year. This life that I have lived was never on my radar nor did I ever wish for it to be my life.

However, this is merely my perspective on my life. When looking through the eyes of God and others who have surrounded me over this past year I have realized that I have been doing all of these things. Just because I have lived in Muncie, Indiana doesn't mean that I haven't led a crazy life. It doesn't mean that I haven't lived in a completely foreign environment. It doesn't mean that I haven't changed lives or had an impact on the community around me. The truth is that God has worked through me and has done crazy things in me and through me. He has challenged me in ways that I never could imagine happening in such a dull place as Muncie, Indiana.

What I am trying to get at is that what we are doing may not seem magical or the most important thing in the world, but maybe we are just looking at it the wrong way. When things get so normal and comfortable, we forget what we are doing. We forget what God is doing. The truth is that we need to step back and really see what God is doing. We need to step outside of ourselves and see things in a new light.

Muncie, Indiana

Over the past ten months, I have crossed further and further into a battlefield. As I have been ministering to and alongside of people, I have felt a strong presence of the enemy and seen a great deal of spiritual warfare. It has been painful, tiring, and annoying. However, through all of this I have seen God work a great deal in my life and the life of others.

I didn't grow up understand much about spiritual warfare or even with much of an understanding of the devil. I knew that he was bad and that we were supposed to do what was good. Whenever people would talk about Satan I would think of that stupid church song, "if I had a little red box to put the devil in...I would take him out and smash him up and put him back again." So, here I am as a little kid picturing this little red character and smashing him to a pulp. The song does try to get across that we are more powerful, but it was a rude awakening for me when I grew up and understood that he was bigger than that. This whole idea of spiritual warfare was nothing but a joke to me but the truth is that it's much bigger than that.

I drive down the streets at night and see people walking alone up and down, nowhere to go. Sometimes when I am driving, I feel this deep and painful heartache for them. Then at other times, I feel that with a side of dark presence surrounding them. The worst of it is when I see people from my community and members of our church and I feel the same exact pains. I know that the devil is targeting our community and I know that he has hold of some of our households. However, I also know that we serve a God who is so much bigger than that. I know that there are some things that are happening that shouldn't be happening, but I also know that God loves his children and wants them to know that the devil has no reign over them.

I have seen God pull some people out of a lot of things over the past ten months. I have seen how the body has come together to fight together. I have also seen how the devil has taken reign on some people and it seems like we have given up. This is an uncomfortable topic and I think that we get weirded out talking about it sometimes but the truth is that it needs to be talked about. We need to see what we need to do and we need to see what God is doing.

The truth of it all is that God is doing something big. He is working in the people of Muncie and he does have reign over this area. The truth is louder than the lies we are being fed, we just have to listen. We are stronger than any stronghold of this area, we just have to rise up. This is a call that has been coming to us for a long time, it's time that we take it.

Who I Am Not

There has been an uprising in my soul for the past couple of weeks. This uprising is caused by snide remarks, contemplation, and just life itself. It spun my world into a bit of chaos and even more so brought more challenges my way. These challenges are pushing me to think in a new light and live in a new way. The way that I am going about things right now just isn't cutting it and I need to do something about it. I need a change of pace, a new way of living, something that isn't my typical everyday life.

People are always telling me things about myself. They are always telling me who I am and how I live my life. Some of these things are true, but then again some are far from the truth. I was always told as a kid not to let other people's words hurt me or harm me. However, not letting them harm me and having an affect on me are two different things. There has to be a reason that they say the things they do and if it strikes a wrong chord then I should do something about it. If it makes me think at all, then I need to understand why I am thinking that.

I am not saying that we should take everyone's words to heart and make changes accordingly. I am just saying that if some things offend us, there has to be a reason behind it. We should take those things as challenges and see what God can do with them. Taking them as challenges and remembering that the truth has to be overheard in the lies. It is in this that we will grow most and that we will continue to become who we were made to be. This chaos that I have been thrown into can be a good thing as long as I use it to be a good thing.

Back Again

"For the secret of a man's being is not only to live ... but to live for something definite. Without a firm notion of what he is living for, man will not accept life and will rather destroy himself than remain on earth..." 

Fyodor Dostoevsky

A year ago, I found myself in a constant struggle with deciding where I was going to go when I graduated. I was nervous to walk forward as I did not know what my purpose was or where I would be. I was told that I would do great things and wherever I went that God would use me. I was in search for something greater in my life. I was in search for a calling that was not only compatible with my life but would push me to be something greater. I was searching for a place in which God would not only use me, but would challenge me and strengthen me. I found myself in Muncie, Indiana. This was not my idea of living out my calling. It was not my idea of living up to my full potential. At times, I did not understand why I was there or am there now. 

This year has been full of numerous hardships. I have been knocked down and at times have stayed on the ground for days. However, I always get up and continue to walk forward. At times though, the walking has been painful. I have not understood my purpose of where I am. I feel like I do not fit in where I am at. I feel like I am doing more harm than I am good. I feel like I am crumbling and that I will never be able to get back up again. I let the lies get to me and I hear them louder than anything else. I see God's goodness and I hear his truth, but I cannot find my purpose and that speaks so much louder. As I cannot see my purpose, my confidence deteriorates and I start to fall apart. 

I am in this phase yet again. I am searching to see where God wants me and to see what my calling is in life. As I look back on this last year, I refuse to let myself be destroyed because of lies. I know that I have a purpose in this world and I know that I have a calling. The truth is that just because we do something and it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean that we are failing. It means that we are one step closer to figuring out what we are supposed to do. We are allowed to see what fits best for us and what God has chosen for us. We are allowed to completely and totally fail at something. It is through those things that we discover who we truly are. It is through our failures and our hardships that we see where we are supposed to be. 

With all of this said, I am actually excited to see what the future holds. I know that I often say that "I give up," but the truth is that I never will. I know that there is more out there for me and I know that I will be used wherever I go. I also know that my idea of calling is skewed by my own thoughts and that God's idea may be completely different. It's time to give up my fear and just step out. 

Flashback

"This is all surreal...It's like we have been here before." Those words took the breath out of me as I walked through the doors. I never thought that I would walk into this room again with the same feeling. Again, I found myself as I did almost six years ago walking through the doors with a heavy heart and incapable of speaking. The feeling of the room so similar as it was the first time. No one knew what to say, how to say it, or where to begin. We all just sat there feeling he same gut sickening feeling in silence.

As I have been through a few tragic experiences with both the Taylor Community and the Upland community, I still have seen God's love shine through. The community of Taylor University is one of the things about Taylor that I see people making a mockery of. However, it is that community that I see come together when they need each other most. I have seen in this time and the time before where we all were deeply hurt that the body comes together to be one with each other. It's not even being in the chapel together and surrounding each other but it is in the greater Taylor community. Those who have graduated who feel the pain of the current community. They surround this great body in prayer and in love and they are going through it with them. This is where I see God's love. This is where I see what community truly is.

I don't know what I or anyone else is feeling right now. We have so many thoughts going through our heads. We are in pain for ourselves and for those who were closer with him. However, I do know that in God there is hope. I know that it is easy to lose sight of hope right now, but I also know that this is when we need it most. I know that there is a love for this community that is directly through God. I know that his presence is surrounding this community and I know that he will be seen through this. I know that even through pain and suffering that it will be hard to recognize him, but I know that he will make himself known.

The Life of Stubbornness

Over the past few years, stubbornness has become more of a major theme of my life. This stubbornness has not always been bad, but the bad does outweigh the good. I have noticed it more as the years have gone on, but let's be real I never wanted to actually deal with it. It wasn't until the other night that I truly wanted to deal with it and rid it of my life.

I tend to keep my friends updated on my life, my struggles, and just random thoughts of my day. This day in particular was a day of struggle and I was at the "end of my rope." It wasn't even that bad of a day, but it was just the right things thrown at me at just the right times. Anyway, I decided to let someone know that I was losing the battle and I did not feel like I could fight back. My friend had the nerve to be encouraging and to give me a hand back up off the ground. What a jerk, right? A friend who actually was helping me out through encouraging words and letting me know that I could fight back. It all sounds ridiculous, but my stubborn self was extremely irritated.

This is the life of stubbornness. It is a person who doesn't always want to get up when she is knocked down. It is a person who wants to feel the pain for a little bit longer even when there are people around to help her clean up the wound. It is a person who just wants to sit and sulk about life when others are there to help her get back on her feet. It is a person who just doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't think that anything good will come of it.

The truth is that I am sick of living this life. I am sick of letting the enemy get to me and tell me that all those around me who are helping are really hurting me. I am sick of getting irritated when I hear a bit of encouraging words because I don't think that I am worthy enough to hear them. The truth is that I am worthy enough to hear them. I do not deserve to let lies get me down and knock me to the ground because I am a child of God. I am worth so much more than what I have let myself believe in the past. It is time to let the stubbornness go and to start hearing truth more clearly.

Parenthood

I started to get annoyed after being stuck there for five minutes longer than I was supposed to be. The annoyance grew greater after the 45th minute. I called their parents at least four times and I got no answer or no call back. They said they would be there in five minutes and this was at noon, when 12:45 came I obviously was irritated. I had to go to work soon and this just threw a curveball in my day. 

This is just one of the perks of working in the area that I work in. I get the pleasure of being upset by people not taking the responsibility in their own lives. It's a constant battle for me to understand who to put the blame on. The kids feel that the annoyance is towards them, but the truth is that it's not. The blame goes more toward the parents and then even more toward their parents. 

This situation in particular started out with me being frustrated because of the inconvenience that it was to me, but then it ended up being a frustration because of the kids. These kids are in the situation that they are in because of their parents. They cannot control the situations that they fall into and that kills me. It kills me to watch them live the life that they do and hurt constantly. It kills me to see that they do not get the attention that they deserve. It kills me that they do not get the help that they deserve. Most of all it kills me to see that they do not get the love that they deserve.

Don't get me wrong, there is love in this family. Their parents love them and they love their parents. However, love means being sacrificial. Love means dropping whatever is holding you back from getting your kids on time and going to get them. Love means getting rid of all of those worldly things and pour into the family that you have brought up. It means getting over the fact that you are in over your head and doing whatever it takes to provide. It means making them into better people than you are and pushing them to be the best that they can be. 

Life as we Know It

I find myself constantly talking about this "transitional phase" more and more as time after college goes on. I suppose that it makes sense seeing how this is where I am right now. However, it also seems that the more that I talk about it, the less that I understand about it. It is true that there is some sense of understanding that is happening, but that is not what it feels like.

Often times, this feeling of lack of understanding comes from the fact that we say that "this is just life" or "this is normal after college." Sure, it is normal and this is life, but there is nothing wrong with being upset. There is nothing wrong with being in a slight depression over it.

It was yesterday that someone actually said to me that it was normal for college grads to fall into a slight depression after college. It is normal, it is okay to be slightly depressed. It is okay to not understand what is going on. It is okay to not know what lies ahead. It is even more okay to be upset, scared, or nervous and then be open about it. It is okay to let others know what we are feeling and what is going on.

Maybe it's our generation or maybe it's just coming out of a bubble that has crippled us from being able to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a weakness and it makes you a freak of some sort. My question is, where did we get this idea? We were created to be in community with one another. We were created to love with one another and that means walking through life together. It means for us to be open about what is going on and not just the happiness. What is the point of relationships if we can't share our fears with one another? It is time for us to stop being "okay" and instead start being real.

Eavesdropping

"The public education school system needs to respond and find out why these other options are so attractive."

The past couple of years have pushed me to really reevaluate the things that I have a passion for. As I have worked through different battles and frustrations I have discovered more and more what I have a heart for. I see a pattern in the things that I am drawn to and this gives me an insight into why I am drawn to those things. Education is a big passion of mine that has grown over the past few years. I have been in multiple conversations about the education system in America and I have seen how we have failed and how we have succeeded. I see how we as a nation are not stepping up in the way that we should and how we are failing the future of our nation. I see how people are all talk and no action. I understand that it takes time and that we will not be able to fix it. I get it. I understand that it takes time, but I also see how we have more often than not just let it be a useless cause.

The truth is that we can blame parents and students as much as we want, but the reality of the matter is that the education system itself needs to start taking more of the blame. People everywhere are pushing and shoving to get into private and charter schools. A very good point was brought up as I was listening to two educators talking in Panera a little bit ago on this topic. As parents and students are searching for the way out of the public school system, it is necessary for the public school system to try to understand the reasoning behind this. Why is it that people are fleeing from the public education system? What is it that these others schools have to offer? 

It is not necessarily that these other schools are better. It is not necessarily that their teachers are better. It is more so that we are in need. we are longing for our students to have a better life. We want them to have a good education and we want them to succeed. When we see failing education systems in America, we search for anything that might just be a little better for our students. It isn't even a matter of it being the best, but it is the matter of it being just a tad bit better than before. We are searching for improving school systems and schools that will bring our kids to succeed. 

With all of that being said, I do not want to see the public education system die out. I do not want to see  private and charter schools take over and leave the public school system in the dust. I think that there is value in the public school system and I think that it can be improved. I do see a future in it as long as people do respond. We must respond to the cry of hurting parents and students. We must respond as a nation to this problem. We must see what it is that is appealing to the parents and students in order to improve our education system. As new teachers come in and want to make a difference, we must stand behind them and encourage them to make a difference. We cannot be afraid of change or what they might be "doing to our education system," but we have to embrace that. 

Basically I am just trying to say that we need to rise up. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "If you never are an actor you can never be a factor." This is our future and this should be one of the most important things to us. We need to push ourselves to be the best that we can be and through us pushing ourselves, we must push those who are learning from us.