Back Again

"For the secret of a man's being is not only to live ... but to live for something definite. Without a firm notion of what he is living for, man will not accept life and will rather destroy himself than remain on earth..." 

Fyodor Dostoevsky

A year ago, I found myself in a constant struggle with deciding where I was going to go when I graduated. I was nervous to walk forward as I did not know what my purpose was or where I would be. I was told that I would do great things and wherever I went that God would use me. I was in search for something greater in my life. I was in search for a calling that was not only compatible with my life but would push me to be something greater. I was searching for a place in which God would not only use me, but would challenge me and strengthen me. I found myself in Muncie, Indiana. This was not my idea of living out my calling. It was not my idea of living up to my full potential. At times, I did not understand why I was there or am there now. 

This year has been full of numerous hardships. I have been knocked down and at times have stayed on the ground for days. However, I always get up and continue to walk forward. At times though, the walking has been painful. I have not understood my purpose of where I am. I feel like I do not fit in where I am at. I feel like I am doing more harm than I am good. I feel like I am crumbling and that I will never be able to get back up again. I let the lies get to me and I hear them louder than anything else. I see God's goodness and I hear his truth, but I cannot find my purpose and that speaks so much louder. As I cannot see my purpose, my confidence deteriorates and I start to fall apart. 

I am in this phase yet again. I am searching to see where God wants me and to see what my calling is in life. As I look back on this last year, I refuse to let myself be destroyed because of lies. I know that I have a purpose in this world and I know that I have a calling. The truth is that just because we do something and it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean that we are failing. It means that we are one step closer to figuring out what we are supposed to do. We are allowed to see what fits best for us and what God has chosen for us. We are allowed to completely and totally fail at something. It is through those things that we discover who we truly are. It is through our failures and our hardships that we see where we are supposed to be. 

With all of this said, I am actually excited to see what the future holds. I know that I often say that "I give up," but the truth is that I never will. I know that there is more out there for me and I know that I will be used wherever I go. I also know that my idea of calling is skewed by my own thoughts and that God's idea may be completely different. It's time to give up my fear and just step out.