July 19, 2010
“Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob,
who turned the rock into a pool,
the hard rock into springs of water.”
Psalm 114:7-8
I sat there tonight at worship and at first it was hard for me to be focused. I was so focused on what flaws I saw in the worship team that I could not quiet my soul to worship God at my best. I was so into what I thought was wrong that I could not let God speak to me. I was closing up because I was upset…because my God…he deserved better than what they were giving him. He deserved better than their straight up hipster worship. I caught myself in all of this when it hit me…he deserved better from me. He deserved my entire all…all of my being to be in this act of worship to him. Not just a part of me, but all of me.
As we stood there, praising, God showed me this passage, Psalm 114:7-8. TREMBLE O earth, at the PRESENCE OF THE LORD. TREMBLE. This is a beautiful thing. God is that awesome. He is that powerful, that we are supposed to TREMBLE in his presence. He is so big and so great that we have this fear, this beautiful fear that comes upon us when we worship him. That is so awesome. This got my heart prepared for what was talked about tonight at Fire Circle. We sat there and Jonathan spoke about how great God is. He spoke about how God is our director, but he is not the director who just stands at the side and tells us what to do, he comes into our drama. He is doing this whole thing with us. He is living and he is active in our lives. He is walking through this with us. That is awesome. He pointed out that God created us because he wants to use us. He created us because he cares about us. If he made us, then we made it. If he made us, then we are living for the purpose of God. He would have not made us if he did not want us. He wants us and he wants all of us. He wants us to develop this deep passion for him. He wants us to fall more and more in love with him each day. Because he made us and he wants us, we need to be humble and live our lives how God wants us to do.
July 20, 2010
“The fullness of your grace is here with me
The richness of your beauty is all I see
The brightness of you glory has arrived
In your presence God, I’m completely satisfied.
For you I sing, I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart, lift my hands to show you my love…
To show you my love.”
Divine Romance – Phil Wickham
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Welcome to my life...for the last forever
July 1, 2010
“Do not just listen to the Word, but do what it says.”
James 1:22
Today we talked about the Bible being our Script and how we are to follow it as our Script when we become Christians. Pretty simple stuff, right? It is pretty simple, but the thing is we don’t always do what it says. We think that us sitting in church once a week, chapel three times a week, and small groups once a week means that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. We don’t have to read our Bible on a regular basis. We don’t have to memorize scriptures. We don’t have to put effort into it, we hear it enough. But we are supposed to meditate on it and we are supposed to know what it says and to follow it. How can we follow it if we only hear it once or twice a week? How can we follow it if we are just hearing it and not practicing it? One thing that I have been extremely convicted of as far as following the Word lately is in the area of love. Here I am getting upset about things at camp. I am being fed up by people and I am getting so irritated so easily. I am quick to speak about how I am wronged about things, but not about what I am doing to others. I am quick to speak about how I am hurt, but not about when I hurt other people. And this is where I have been convicted in love. I get so upset and feel like everyone else is being so selfish, but in reality, how selfish am I myself being? I am upset because they want things their way…but I want things my way. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish. I think that my world has been rocked as I have been teaching about the Bible and following the Bible as our Script
Other than that, today has been a pretty awesome day. I can see God really working at camp as I watch the counselors interact with the kids. I see Him working as they pour the love into the kids where they do not usually get love. I see Him working through them as they challenge the kids and push them to get to know God better. God is fully present and active at this camp and I am getting more and more excited day after day as we are here. He is filling us up when we need it the most. He is pushing us through the days when we are at our ends. He is pressing us when we need to be pressed the most. It is so cool to see Him knowing exactly what we need when we need it. It is cool to see him capturing the hearts of our counselors and how they respond to his call. I am so amazed by how God is working in this place in the hearts of our kids and in the hearts of our counselors.
July 2, 2010
Today was the last day of camp for the 1st through 3rd graders. I have loved this week so much and I have loved seeing those kids get poured into over and over again. It was such a beautiful sight to see our counselors have the love of God overflowing in them. I loved watching the kids faces light up when they saw the counselors. I loved seeing God truly working and seeing him truly coming through in their lives. God is present and he is active.
As far as Bible goes, I think that this week went really well. I loved every second of it and loved to see the kids get into it. I loved to be up there and to bring out the truth to them. The first day of Bible, Megan, one of the city staff, came up to me and asked me to use my Bible. She then exclaimed…literally…to me that there were girls in her group who had never heard of God. They had never heard the creation story. They had never heard the truth of God. She got the privilege to tell the girls about God and about how big and great that he is. GOD IS WORKING. He is getting attention and we are doing a great job at listening to his commands.
After Bible today, we had a sweet carnival. I sat there and hung out with Daniel and Melanie for a while. Melanie is a city staff from Bakersfield and she is really incredible. She has such a passion for the kids here and she really shows it with how she acts towards them. I can see the love that she has for them in the way that she talks to them, hugs them, and even disciplines them. It is the love of Christ because it could be nothing else. I am so excited to see her again next week. She is coming back with another group, a tougher group, but we are ready for them. We want to share Christ with them and we want them to know who he is. It might be tougher and it might be a longer week, but we have God on our side. We have his strength and we are ready to use his strength. We have his love and we are ready to love with his love. We got this, not on our own, but we got this with someone much bigger.
As we were at the carnival, it was so much fun to just hang out and relax with the kids. We got a chance to get shot by the fire truck hose and to be out playing in the field. We got a chance to relax and kick it with them. We got a chance to just have fun and to hang out for the last time before they left. It is so much fun to see them out there. It has been so much fun to see them out there really having a good time. It has been great to see them be kids because the truth of the matter is that once they go back home, they probably are not going to get that chance. We have kids here who are going to have to go back home and be the men and the women of the house at the age of eight. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and have to protect themselves. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and won’t have their medicine because their drug addicted mother steals it from them. We have kids who do not have a home to go back to. We have kids who are going back home to two mothers. This is what they have to face when they go back. So to see them out there having a great time and enjoying themselves for this week is awesome. To see them be doing what normal kids should be doing at this age is incredible. Just to see them not be scared or worried, but to know that they are safe here is such a blessing and such a beautiful thing.
We ended the week with a few tears…okay, more than a few. It has only been a couple of days, but these kids mean the world to us. They mean so much to us and we love them so much. We love them and we do not want them to have to suffer. The tears were not only tears of sadness of them leaving, but the tears were pain and hurt for them. The tears were tears of knowing that their happiness would soon be leaving their faces as they arrived home. They were tears of knowing that there is so much pain and hurt in this world. They were tears of knowing that that bondage goes so deep in their lives. However, they are also tears of joy because we know who has already won. The enemy has nothing on our God. He has nothing on us because our God is strong and our God is living. He is nothing but a defeated little coward. He lurks in the shadows and can’t even put up a fair fight. Yeah, he has got nothing on this. God is so big and so powerful…what up now.
July 3, 2010
Happy fourth…err, I mean, third of July. Today is the third of July and our only day off before camp starts tomorrow. So instead of having a fourth of July party, we decided to have a third of July party at Jenni’s house. I came up last night and did some pre party planning by\ making cheesecake and such. Then we both just kind of hung out and chilled. It was good to sleep in a bed in a real house last night. Not to mention, it was good to get actual sleep last night. It was good to wake up at 8:45 in the morning and not like six in the morning. I loved being able to relax and not have to worry about a thousand things going on around me. It was great to be away from everyone and to be able to just relax.
Today was a great day as well. We hung out at Jenni’s house and had a beautiful grill out. Jyrone made some awesome barbeque sauce and grilled some great ribs to perfection. I loved being able to chill out with the whole staff at Jenni’s. Normally, we do not get the chance for all of us to be together…I mean, we were missing a couple of people, but for the most part, we were all there. We hung out in the pool, played cards, had conversations, and chilled out and watched movies.
Most of the day, I spent time with Adam and Gracie. I feel so blessed to have such an awesome boss as Adam. We call him dad and I have started to discover that he really fits the dad role in our lives as we are out here. He is someone who we can go to when we need to and he has great advice. He pours into our lives and spends time with us. He takes time out of his life just to get to know us and where we come from. It has been so great to get to know him and Gracie as well. Gracie has been a sweet person in our lives from day one. She is so easy to get along with and she has some great input most of the time as well. She also takes time to get to know what is going on in our lives and then talks to us about them. They both are so awesome in how much they care about the people who around them. They know when our lives are getting hectic and how sometimes we need to get away, so they call us up and tell us to come hang out in the hot tub. Tonight, after we left, we met them in Santa Clarita to have dinner with them. It was dad and the kids…we loved it.
To say the least, our third of July ended up being pretty sweet. It was relaxing and chill and we did not have to worry about anything. We got to spend time with each other and just enjoy each other’s company. It was a great day.
July 4, 2010
Today started out pretty terrible. It started out with a couple hours of stress and it was not my ideal way to start a new week of camp. We went to church with bitter hearts and frustration. All of this was because of a dumb misunderstanding. This wasn’t the best way to start off the day, but it is okay…we dealt with it. As the day went on, we chilled out a little bit more, but it still was a bad day starting off. It wasn’t just the stupid situation, but also I couldn’t get the dumb printer to work so that I could get our devotional books done for the week. It was okay though, I talked to “dad” and things calmed down a little bit. It just was annoying because the situation was between our staff and another staff and it only creates more disunity between us when our arguments happen. It is getting kind of old and is just immature. I just get so sick of it, and I know it needs to be dealt with, but it is just getting our staff motivated to deal with it. So, that is something that I need to really be working on in my heart and be praying about constantly. Yeah, that is a good thing for me to pray for. This is how the devil is bringing us down, he is ripping us apart where we are the weakest. We need to work on it. We need prayer. We need to defeat this demon because we are all going towards the same goal and when there is tension, we are being held back from the goal that we are trying to achieve. So yeah, that’s what we have been dealing with.
When I got back I had to finish up some stuff for Bible class during the first part of registration. After I got done with the whole Bible class thing, I headed to registration and ended up hanging out with Jackie for a while. And by a while, I mean an hour and a half. We sat there and talked through the situation from the morning and she told me her side. It was good to talk to her because we worked through stuff that we needed to work through. She is easy to talk to and she wants to work through things. She doesn’t let things go forever and she is logical about things. It was so good to talk to her about it all. After we talked through that, we talked about spiritual gifts for about six thousand hours. It was all brought up because she asked me if I knew James Heth…of course I do. So, then we started to talk about where we came from and when we first encountered the Holy Spirit. As I sat there talking to her, I was so enthralled by God the entire time. He was so present in the conversation and he revealed so much to the two of us about the two of us. As we sat there talking, we spoke so much truth into each other’s lives. We saw sides of each other that we have yet to see while we were here. As we talked, we got so excited to hear how present the Holy Spirit is in each of our lives. We talked about the gifts that we have and when we first saw those gifts put to use in our lives. It seriously was so awesome to see how God has worked in her life and how he has shown her so many cool things. I can’t wait to get to know her story more and to hear about more cool things that he has done in her life. It was so awesome to have this conversation with her and I cannot wait to have more. I was so full and so refreshed after our conversation. It was truly incredible.
As the day went on, it only got better. I felt more confident about what would happen throughout the week as far as Bible goes. I got more excited as the kids were here to get ready for Bible. I could tell that it would be a tougher crowd, but that is okay, I will be able to deal with it. It’s all about getting to know them and being present around them. I am excited to see how God uses me and how he will teach me. So, it will be great, I am sure of it. Let’s rock it out this week.
July 5, 2010
Here’s the thing…God is here. He is active. He is alive. He is moving and I can feel that he is moving. Lives and hearts are being changed and the enemy is upset about that. He is upset that God can be felt. He is upset that God is changing lives and that he is breaking chains. The last few weeks there has been a lot of spiritual warfare going on. We have seen it, we can feel it, and we know that the enemy is really upset. However, this is not something that we should get nervous about, but it is something that we need to rejoice in. The truth of the matter is that if the enemy is showing up it is because God is working here. He has a reason that he needs to show up and it is because he feels threatened. Our God has already won. Our God is victorious. He has overcome and he is the strongman. As long as we are in Him and He is in us, then we have nothing to worry about. Let this be my declaration, God is here and he is working. God is beside us and he is fighting with us. He is not letting us battle on our own, but he is taking on this battle with us. So what if there are a few bumps in the road? Who cares…God has this. He’s got our back and so there is nothing to worry about.
The coolest thing about this is watching people react to this whole thing. I can see them falling to their knees in prayer. I can see them stepping up in faith and not giving in. We know that God has our backs and we know that all we need to do is go to him. Last night there was a prayer meeting that went for two hours about this. That is awesome. It is awesome to see a group come together in the Lord’s name and declare that this is his house. Basically, what we are saying to the enemy is this…get out. We’ve got our ruler…we don’t need anyone else.
I can feel God working in me. I can feel him changing me and I am super excited about it. It is not the whole spiritual high thing, but it is a true change. It is a change that he has been working on for some time now and he is only refining it now that I am out here. He is transforming me into someone new. He is filling up my life with this new passion for Him. I long for Him and for His love. Everything that I do in my life is based around Him. He is my basis for everything. It is so good because I can’t help but to smile. I can’t help but to be happy. I can’t help but to be in love with him. I can’t help but to let him overflow out of me. I can’t help but to let him be seen through me.
July 6, 2010
Week two of camp…yep, still love my job. Seriously, today I felt so good and so accomplished after we had Bible class. When I went to lunch, I heard so many good things about it from so many different people. And for real, it is what I need. I need to be encouraged because I do not always think that it goes well. Today though, it did go so awesome. These kids are smart and they know what they are saying. Not only do they know what it says, like they don’t just know the right answers, but you can tell that they truly know the truth. I mean, today I was hanging up their signs of who God is and I could see pure truth. I could see so many things that were more than just true. And after seeing those, I was amazed by these kids. They do know so much and God is chasing after them and it is so so so beautiful. He wants these kids and he wants them bad. I can tell by the way that they listen in Bible class and the way that they listen at Fire Circle that they want Him back.
It is sweet to see our staff truly come together and be encouraging. They have been so awesome throughout today and tonight. Like I said before, they were so encouraging about Bible. I had so many people come up to me and tell me how well it went and how well we did. It was great to see how their encouragement can mean so much. Not only was it encouraging to hear from them verbally, but it was awesome when I got back to the lodge and found two notes from two different staff members. It is sweet to see us lifting each other up as a staff and being real with one another about how we are doing and how God is working in each of our lives. I love our staff and I am so blessed to be surrounded by them.
As we sat at Fire Circle tonight, Alex talked about the Script (aka…Bible) and I might say that he did a really good job. He did a really good job relating the Bible to God and then to our lives. He explained why we need to memorize the Bible and related it back to actors and actresses memorizing their lines. He explained that by memorizing parts of the Bible, we will be more knowledgeable in situations and we will better know how to respond. He explained that if we memorize it, we know our part better and we know our writer or Director (God) better. It was good to see the kids responding to it. They knew what he was talking about and they actually responded to it. It was sweet to see him get into it too because that is what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He is going to be a script writer and so he is already passionate about it. He just has such a creative mind and I don’t always know what to do about it. It’s sweet though.
There has been some major disunity between our teams and it even came up tonight at Fire Circle. I talked to Gina and Jess about it and they asked me why I felt awkward around their group. I told them that it was because I didn’t know them and I wasn’t apart of their group. After Fire Circle, I got knocked in the head in a way. As we were sitting in the Saturn, I spoke up. I told the leadership staff that I was with that we needed to fix this. We shouldn’t feel awkward to hang out with the other staff. We should feel comfortable around them and we should be able to talk to them. As it says in the Bible, “a house divided against itself is not strong.” Which is true. We do not come together, we are not united, and we are not strong. There is so much going on here that we need to stand firm against, but we are divided. So, what needs to happen is we need to come together. We need to stand as one body because we are one body. We are going toward the same goal. We need to accomplish this together. Tonight, leadership staff decided to step it up in this area. We decided that we are going to come together on Friday. We are going to come together as a staff and pray…as a full staff. We are going to pray for the LITs (the high school camp staff) and let them know that we are here for them as brothers and sisters in Christ. This is a battle that we need to take on together and we have finally decided to step up.
July 7, 2010
Bible was a bit more serious today. We shared a skit about the Gospel and it was a pretty serious discussion…obviously. The skit starts out with Satan putting all the sin in the “sin box” and then a member of my Bible team stumbles upon it. He likes what he sees and decides to put in his foot and then all of himself. He gets stuck in this sin and there is no way out. He tries to do it himself. He tries to get his friends to pull him out, but he can’t do it. A girl walks by to try to help him. She explains that Jesus loves him and that he died for him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He just waves her off and stays stuck in his on miserable mess. He stays stuck until the girl comes back and shows him that God loves him. He decides to give it a try and Jesus comes and takes his hand out of the mess.
This skit is definitely one that is interesting to me. Once we dip our foot in sin and temptation, we get taken over. It sucks us in and we get trapped. When we get far enough in, we think that we can get ourselves out. We think that other people can pull us out, but the truth of the matter is that we can’t get out of it without Jesus. We always seem to think that we can do this, but in reality…we need someone who is so much more than what we are. You would think that after years and years of hearing the same message, that I would understand this, but in reality…I fall into the same trap. I fall into the trap that when I get sucked in that I can get myself out. I can’t. It’s not me. There is no way that I can pull myself out of it, I am just trapped. Even with the little things…that’s what I have noticed lately. It’s not the big things that I am getting trapped in, but the small things that I am getting trapped in. It’s the small lies, the gossip, the small things that start off and then I get stuck and my heart is being blocked. It’s these things that happen and they pull me away from Christ. It’s the small things that I need help with the most.
My meeting with Daniel was extremely encouraging today as well. He had to go through and tell me what I was doing well and what I needed to work on. The great thing about it was there were a couple things that I already saw that I needed to improve and so we talked through those things. It was cool to see where our minds came together on things and how we both thought about the same things. It was good to talk through what needed to be talked through and to see what was going on in his mind. He told me that I was doing a great job and the things that I needed to work on had nothing to do with how Bible itself is going, so that was great to hear. It was good to hear that Bible is going well and that he thinks that it is actually going well. I am excited about that and it makes me so much more confident in what I am doing. It is good to work under him because he truly does have a heart for God and I can see that in the way that we interact and by the way that we talk about things and even how he talks and interacts with people in general. I have learned so much from him just by observing him and listening to him. He has such a passion for kids and for people in general. He has such a heart for the broken. He has a heart for God. It is awesome to see.
Other than that, the day has just been good. We met with the LIT staff to talk to them about doing prayer with them on Friday. Scott and I talked about how good it would be for us to pray as a staff first and then we will pray over the LITs. I think that it is good that we are doing this. I think that it is good for us to be following a call from God to go and to pray over them. I think that it is good to come together as a team, as one to pray for them. I am excited for these kids because I can see so much of God in them already and I know that he only wants to do so much more with them. I can see Him bringing them up in Him. I am pumped for them and to see where He takes them. He’s got them in for a great trip.
July 8, 2010
Today was a pretty good day. I feel like Bible has been getting better and better as we have gone through things more and more…obviously. Working with our Bible team especially has been so good. They are so great and I am glad to have them on my team. There are disagreements at times, but overall, it is going pretty well. The skit today was good, but definitely needs some more work and I definitely need to go through some things again. Today, we talked about the “actor” (aka…us). We talked about how we act differently around different people because that is who “we are” around them.
To demonstrate this, we used the Good Samaritan as an example, but in a modern day type of way. Bill, a lawyer, starts off the skit by throwing his “iced coffee” in the face of a worker at the local burger joint where he gets his coffee in the mornings. Later on, he gets mugged by some people who steal his money and everything that he has. This leads to him being on the side of the road crying out for help. The first person comes by who leaves him lying there is the typical Christian on their way to all their church meetings…he cannot stop to help…but he’ll pray for him at his prayer meeting that he is off to. Then you have the other lawyer…the acquaintance of Bill…but he just doesn’t have the time. And finally here she comes to save the day…the girl who he treated like trash…the worker at the burger joint. She stops and has pity on him. She is filled with compassion. These other two people seemed like they would help Bill from the outside, but on the inside…no way. She was the only one who’s words lined up with her actions.
This has been hitting me a lot lately, this aligning of words and actions. As I have been dealing with some frustrations, I have realized that what I am preaching hasn’t exactly been what I am practicing. As I tell other people to relax and chill out, I myself am not doing it. I let things get to me too much. I let what other people say anger me and then I take it out on them. I allow those things to really get at me and to bug me. And instead of dealing with it in the proper way, I let it blow up and become something so ugly.
The verse today kind of hits the nail right on the head, “Although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened” Romans 1:21. And this is what has been happening to me lately in this area. I know who God is and I know Him very well, but I am not letting that live out in me. I am not giving him the honor that he deserves by my life. I am speaking one way and going another and that is not how it should be. As I am sitting up here testifying his truth, I am doing the opposite. And this has caused hardened hearts against people as I have let lies about them fester in me. This is definitely something that God has been showing me for the past couple of weeks.
July 9, 2010
I did not sleep well at all last night. The whole night I felt this pressure on me. I kept waking up feeling something over me that was not God. It was not a good feeling and it was not something that I enjoyed. And because of it, my sleep was not good. I woke up in the morning extremely stressed and not ready to start off the day. As I was leaving breakfast, it only seemed to get worse. Megan stopped me on my way out and asked me to change something with Bible. It was not a big deal to change, but it was kind of the top off of the day. She asked me to change some things about the skit and I was fine with that. I would have been better with it if she would have asked earlier in the week, but that is okay. So, I get up to Bible and nothing seems to be going well with me. I am tired, I did not sleep well and I was on the verge of a breakdown. I sat there and I honestly did not even want to get up to the front. However, I knew that I had to force a smile and head up there. I got up and introduced the LITs to do a song and as I sat in the back I felt a huge burden on me. I could not figure out what it was. I could not deal with it. It was so heavy and so deep. I did not know why it was like this. As I got up there to do the skit, I could barely hold the tears back. Everything was so off today and I could feel it. I looked at Alissa sitting down on the ground and could tell that she could tell that I was not with it. Let’s just say that Bible today felt like a total failure. I know that it was not and I know that I am imperfect, but that is what it felt like. After everyone left, that’s when I broke down…right before I had to go hang out with all of them again. Such a perfect way to start out my day.
The carnival did not make things much better. I was still dealing with whatever it was that was on my chest. I still had this huge and heavy burden, but I could not show it because there were so many kids around. I ended up leaving to go play the piano and be alone for a while, but even that did not help very much. This day did not seem to be looking up much. In fact, I felt like it all should have just ended there. I did not want to go through the rest of the day. I did not want to deal with people asking me what was wrong. I did not want to deal with anything.
However, the day did go on and I started to work through it as the day went on. We went into our debrief meeting and to be quite honest I wanted nothing more than to not go to that meeting. I did not want to sit in the meeting as I felt like trash and as I felt that I did a terrible job only to hear those among us get praised for how great they did. I did not want to hear about how great everyone else was compared to the crappy job that I did that morning. And at the end of the meeting, God kicked me in the face. He showed me through my peers that I did do a great job. They lifted me up and encouraged me in so many great ways. I could not have been more blessed by them than I was. I mean, I still felt like trash, but their encouragement was acknowledged. They are great and I am so grateful for who they are.
Following the meeting, we had a prayer meeting with the LIT staff. There has been much disagreement between our staff and their staff lately and we decided that enough is enough. There is no room for arguments and disagreements among the two groups anymore. There comes a time when there must be unity among the both of us. We are all going for the same goal and because of that, we need to be encouraging to one another and need to lift each other up. So, it is starting to get there and we are starting to work on it. It’s not going to be easy and I know that trials will come, but we are starting to work on it. So that is what matters. It matters that we actually see that something needs to be done and that we are trying to do something.
Once they left a few of the high school camp volunteers came in and we prayed over them and with them. The LITs (Leaders in Training) are some really sweet kids. I have really enjoyed working with them this summer. They truly are a blessing in so many ways and they are so cool. I love getting to know them and seeing where they come from. I know that God is rising them up to be awesome leaders and that they will go so far in life if they keep this up. They are just so sweet and they have so much awesome potential. I am really excited to see how much more he works in them in this coming up week. They leave for a missions trip on Friday and I know that he is going to do awesome things through them there. I can feel it and I am totally pumped about it.
Even after all the good that happened today, I still felt like today was such a bad day. I still had so much burdening on my heart, but I did get through it. We headed to town tonight to get some food for Amy’s birthday. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the greatest night food choice wise, but it was good. We did have some good conversation and we actually went with a different group for once, so that was good. However, next time, I want to choose where we go to eat because I get sick of the same thing every time.
July 10, 2010
Today was an…interesting day. Everyone headed out to the beach and I did not want to go. I mean, yeah it would have been fun, but in reality I just needed a break from people. We have been with each other for a while now and it was time for me to just take a break. So today was a work day for me. I sat in Daniel and Adam’s office and worked on some stuff for camp next week. Even though I was working, it was still so good. It was a time for me to be alone and to relax. As I have had so much time to be on the go the past few weeks, it was good to relax and just chill out. So, I sat in there listening to music and folding devo booklets. It was awesome actually.
I still have had this huge burden on my heart. Part of me thinks that it is coming from dealing with other people’s problems. I mean, God has given me this passion for people, but sometimes I cannot deal with it. Lately, I have been so exhausted and ready to just relax that when I hear about other’s problems, I just want to shut down. I mean, it is not that I don’t like helping people out and being there for them, it’s just that I can’t. I need a break sometimes, I need to take care of myself. I need rest and relaxation. I need to just chill out. However, here comes the question, when is it selfishness and when is it healthy? That is a very thin line right now that I just cannot determine. However, I need to determine it.
“Do not just listen to the Word, but do what it says.”
James 1:22
Today we talked about the Bible being our Script and how we are to follow it as our Script when we become Christians. Pretty simple stuff, right? It is pretty simple, but the thing is we don’t always do what it says. We think that us sitting in church once a week, chapel three times a week, and small groups once a week means that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. We don’t have to read our Bible on a regular basis. We don’t have to memorize scriptures. We don’t have to put effort into it, we hear it enough. But we are supposed to meditate on it and we are supposed to know what it says and to follow it. How can we follow it if we only hear it once or twice a week? How can we follow it if we are just hearing it and not practicing it? One thing that I have been extremely convicted of as far as following the Word lately is in the area of love. Here I am getting upset about things at camp. I am being fed up by people and I am getting so irritated so easily. I am quick to speak about how I am wronged about things, but not about what I am doing to others. I am quick to speak about how I am hurt, but not about when I hurt other people. And this is where I have been convicted in love. I get so upset and feel like everyone else is being so selfish, but in reality, how selfish am I myself being? I am upset because they want things their way…but I want things my way. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish. I think that my world has been rocked as I have been teaching about the Bible and following the Bible as our Script
Other than that, today has been a pretty awesome day. I can see God really working at camp as I watch the counselors interact with the kids. I see Him working as they pour the love into the kids where they do not usually get love. I see Him working through them as they challenge the kids and push them to get to know God better. God is fully present and active at this camp and I am getting more and more excited day after day as we are here. He is filling us up when we need it the most. He is pushing us through the days when we are at our ends. He is pressing us when we need to be pressed the most. It is so cool to see Him knowing exactly what we need when we need it. It is cool to see him capturing the hearts of our counselors and how they respond to his call. I am so amazed by how God is working in this place in the hearts of our kids and in the hearts of our counselors.
July 2, 2010
Today was the last day of camp for the 1st through 3rd graders. I have loved this week so much and I have loved seeing those kids get poured into over and over again. It was such a beautiful sight to see our counselors have the love of God overflowing in them. I loved watching the kids faces light up when they saw the counselors. I loved seeing God truly working and seeing him truly coming through in their lives. God is present and he is active.
As far as Bible goes, I think that this week went really well. I loved every second of it and loved to see the kids get into it. I loved to be up there and to bring out the truth to them. The first day of Bible, Megan, one of the city staff, came up to me and asked me to use my Bible. She then exclaimed…literally…to me that there were girls in her group who had never heard of God. They had never heard the creation story. They had never heard the truth of God. She got the privilege to tell the girls about God and about how big and great that he is. GOD IS WORKING. He is getting attention and we are doing a great job at listening to his commands.
After Bible today, we had a sweet carnival. I sat there and hung out with Daniel and Melanie for a while. Melanie is a city staff from Bakersfield and she is really incredible. She has such a passion for the kids here and she really shows it with how she acts towards them. I can see the love that she has for them in the way that she talks to them, hugs them, and even disciplines them. It is the love of Christ because it could be nothing else. I am so excited to see her again next week. She is coming back with another group, a tougher group, but we are ready for them. We want to share Christ with them and we want them to know who he is. It might be tougher and it might be a longer week, but we have God on our side. We have his strength and we are ready to use his strength. We have his love and we are ready to love with his love. We got this, not on our own, but we got this with someone much bigger.
As we were at the carnival, it was so much fun to just hang out and relax with the kids. We got a chance to get shot by the fire truck hose and to be out playing in the field. We got a chance to relax and kick it with them. We got a chance to just have fun and to hang out for the last time before they left. It is so much fun to see them out there. It has been so much fun to see them out there really having a good time. It has been great to see them be kids because the truth of the matter is that once they go back home, they probably are not going to get that chance. We have kids here who are going to have to go back home and be the men and the women of the house at the age of eight. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and have to protect themselves. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and won’t have their medicine because their drug addicted mother steals it from them. We have kids who do not have a home to go back to. We have kids who are going back home to two mothers. This is what they have to face when they go back. So to see them out there having a great time and enjoying themselves for this week is awesome. To see them be doing what normal kids should be doing at this age is incredible. Just to see them not be scared or worried, but to know that they are safe here is such a blessing and such a beautiful thing.
We ended the week with a few tears…okay, more than a few. It has only been a couple of days, but these kids mean the world to us. They mean so much to us and we love them so much. We love them and we do not want them to have to suffer. The tears were not only tears of sadness of them leaving, but the tears were pain and hurt for them. The tears were tears of knowing that their happiness would soon be leaving their faces as they arrived home. They were tears of knowing that there is so much pain and hurt in this world. They were tears of knowing that that bondage goes so deep in their lives. However, they are also tears of joy because we know who has already won. The enemy has nothing on our God. He has nothing on us because our God is strong and our God is living. He is nothing but a defeated little coward. He lurks in the shadows and can’t even put up a fair fight. Yeah, he has got nothing on this. God is so big and so powerful…what up now.
July 3, 2010
Happy fourth…err, I mean, third of July. Today is the third of July and our only day off before camp starts tomorrow. So instead of having a fourth of July party, we decided to have a third of July party at Jenni’s house. I came up last night and did some pre party planning by\ making cheesecake and such. Then we both just kind of hung out and chilled. It was good to sleep in a bed in a real house last night. Not to mention, it was good to get actual sleep last night. It was good to wake up at 8:45 in the morning and not like six in the morning. I loved being able to relax and not have to worry about a thousand things going on around me. It was great to be away from everyone and to be able to just relax.
Today was a great day as well. We hung out at Jenni’s house and had a beautiful grill out. Jyrone made some awesome barbeque sauce and grilled some great ribs to perfection. I loved being able to chill out with the whole staff at Jenni’s. Normally, we do not get the chance for all of us to be together…I mean, we were missing a couple of people, but for the most part, we were all there. We hung out in the pool, played cards, had conversations, and chilled out and watched movies.
Most of the day, I spent time with Adam and Gracie. I feel so blessed to have such an awesome boss as Adam. We call him dad and I have started to discover that he really fits the dad role in our lives as we are out here. He is someone who we can go to when we need to and he has great advice. He pours into our lives and spends time with us. He takes time out of his life just to get to know us and where we come from. It has been so great to get to know him and Gracie as well. Gracie has been a sweet person in our lives from day one. She is so easy to get along with and she has some great input most of the time as well. She also takes time to get to know what is going on in our lives and then talks to us about them. They both are so awesome in how much they care about the people who around them. They know when our lives are getting hectic and how sometimes we need to get away, so they call us up and tell us to come hang out in the hot tub. Tonight, after we left, we met them in Santa Clarita to have dinner with them. It was dad and the kids…we loved it.
To say the least, our third of July ended up being pretty sweet. It was relaxing and chill and we did not have to worry about anything. We got to spend time with each other and just enjoy each other’s company. It was a great day.
July 4, 2010
Today started out pretty terrible. It started out with a couple hours of stress and it was not my ideal way to start a new week of camp. We went to church with bitter hearts and frustration. All of this was because of a dumb misunderstanding. This wasn’t the best way to start off the day, but it is okay…we dealt with it. As the day went on, we chilled out a little bit more, but it still was a bad day starting off. It wasn’t just the stupid situation, but also I couldn’t get the dumb printer to work so that I could get our devotional books done for the week. It was okay though, I talked to “dad” and things calmed down a little bit. It just was annoying because the situation was between our staff and another staff and it only creates more disunity between us when our arguments happen. It is getting kind of old and is just immature. I just get so sick of it, and I know it needs to be dealt with, but it is just getting our staff motivated to deal with it. So, that is something that I need to really be working on in my heart and be praying about constantly. Yeah, that is a good thing for me to pray for. This is how the devil is bringing us down, he is ripping us apart where we are the weakest. We need to work on it. We need prayer. We need to defeat this demon because we are all going towards the same goal and when there is tension, we are being held back from the goal that we are trying to achieve. So yeah, that’s what we have been dealing with.
When I got back I had to finish up some stuff for Bible class during the first part of registration. After I got done with the whole Bible class thing, I headed to registration and ended up hanging out with Jackie for a while. And by a while, I mean an hour and a half. We sat there and talked through the situation from the morning and she told me her side. It was good to talk to her because we worked through stuff that we needed to work through. She is easy to talk to and she wants to work through things. She doesn’t let things go forever and she is logical about things. It was so good to talk to her about it all. After we talked through that, we talked about spiritual gifts for about six thousand hours. It was all brought up because she asked me if I knew James Heth…of course I do. So, then we started to talk about where we came from and when we first encountered the Holy Spirit. As I sat there talking to her, I was so enthralled by God the entire time. He was so present in the conversation and he revealed so much to the two of us about the two of us. As we sat there talking, we spoke so much truth into each other’s lives. We saw sides of each other that we have yet to see while we were here. As we talked, we got so excited to hear how present the Holy Spirit is in each of our lives. We talked about the gifts that we have and when we first saw those gifts put to use in our lives. It seriously was so awesome to see how God has worked in her life and how he has shown her so many cool things. I can’t wait to get to know her story more and to hear about more cool things that he has done in her life. It was so awesome to have this conversation with her and I cannot wait to have more. I was so full and so refreshed after our conversation. It was truly incredible.
As the day went on, it only got better. I felt more confident about what would happen throughout the week as far as Bible goes. I got more excited as the kids were here to get ready for Bible. I could tell that it would be a tougher crowd, but that is okay, I will be able to deal with it. It’s all about getting to know them and being present around them. I am excited to see how God uses me and how he will teach me. So, it will be great, I am sure of it. Let’s rock it out this week.
July 5, 2010
Here’s the thing…God is here. He is active. He is alive. He is moving and I can feel that he is moving. Lives and hearts are being changed and the enemy is upset about that. He is upset that God can be felt. He is upset that God is changing lives and that he is breaking chains. The last few weeks there has been a lot of spiritual warfare going on. We have seen it, we can feel it, and we know that the enemy is really upset. However, this is not something that we should get nervous about, but it is something that we need to rejoice in. The truth of the matter is that if the enemy is showing up it is because God is working here. He has a reason that he needs to show up and it is because he feels threatened. Our God has already won. Our God is victorious. He has overcome and he is the strongman. As long as we are in Him and He is in us, then we have nothing to worry about. Let this be my declaration, God is here and he is working. God is beside us and he is fighting with us. He is not letting us battle on our own, but he is taking on this battle with us. So what if there are a few bumps in the road? Who cares…God has this. He’s got our back and so there is nothing to worry about.
The coolest thing about this is watching people react to this whole thing. I can see them falling to their knees in prayer. I can see them stepping up in faith and not giving in. We know that God has our backs and we know that all we need to do is go to him. Last night there was a prayer meeting that went for two hours about this. That is awesome. It is awesome to see a group come together in the Lord’s name and declare that this is his house. Basically, what we are saying to the enemy is this…get out. We’ve got our ruler…we don’t need anyone else.
I can feel God working in me. I can feel him changing me and I am super excited about it. It is not the whole spiritual high thing, but it is a true change. It is a change that he has been working on for some time now and he is only refining it now that I am out here. He is transforming me into someone new. He is filling up my life with this new passion for Him. I long for Him and for His love. Everything that I do in my life is based around Him. He is my basis for everything. It is so good because I can’t help but to smile. I can’t help but to be happy. I can’t help but to be in love with him. I can’t help but to let him overflow out of me. I can’t help but to let him be seen through me.
July 6, 2010
Week two of camp…yep, still love my job. Seriously, today I felt so good and so accomplished after we had Bible class. When I went to lunch, I heard so many good things about it from so many different people. And for real, it is what I need. I need to be encouraged because I do not always think that it goes well. Today though, it did go so awesome. These kids are smart and they know what they are saying. Not only do they know what it says, like they don’t just know the right answers, but you can tell that they truly know the truth. I mean, today I was hanging up their signs of who God is and I could see pure truth. I could see so many things that were more than just true. And after seeing those, I was amazed by these kids. They do know so much and God is chasing after them and it is so so so beautiful. He wants these kids and he wants them bad. I can tell by the way that they listen in Bible class and the way that they listen at Fire Circle that they want Him back.
It is sweet to see our staff truly come together and be encouraging. They have been so awesome throughout today and tonight. Like I said before, they were so encouraging about Bible. I had so many people come up to me and tell me how well it went and how well we did. It was great to see how their encouragement can mean so much. Not only was it encouraging to hear from them verbally, but it was awesome when I got back to the lodge and found two notes from two different staff members. It is sweet to see us lifting each other up as a staff and being real with one another about how we are doing and how God is working in each of our lives. I love our staff and I am so blessed to be surrounded by them.
As we sat at Fire Circle tonight, Alex talked about the Script (aka…Bible) and I might say that he did a really good job. He did a really good job relating the Bible to God and then to our lives. He explained why we need to memorize the Bible and related it back to actors and actresses memorizing their lines. He explained that by memorizing parts of the Bible, we will be more knowledgeable in situations and we will better know how to respond. He explained that if we memorize it, we know our part better and we know our writer or Director (God) better. It was good to see the kids responding to it. They knew what he was talking about and they actually responded to it. It was sweet to see him get into it too because that is what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He is going to be a script writer and so he is already passionate about it. He just has such a creative mind and I don’t always know what to do about it. It’s sweet though.
There has been some major disunity between our teams and it even came up tonight at Fire Circle. I talked to Gina and Jess about it and they asked me why I felt awkward around their group. I told them that it was because I didn’t know them and I wasn’t apart of their group. After Fire Circle, I got knocked in the head in a way. As we were sitting in the Saturn, I spoke up. I told the leadership staff that I was with that we needed to fix this. We shouldn’t feel awkward to hang out with the other staff. We should feel comfortable around them and we should be able to talk to them. As it says in the Bible, “a house divided against itself is not strong.” Which is true. We do not come together, we are not united, and we are not strong. There is so much going on here that we need to stand firm against, but we are divided. So, what needs to happen is we need to come together. We need to stand as one body because we are one body. We are going toward the same goal. We need to accomplish this together. Tonight, leadership staff decided to step it up in this area. We decided that we are going to come together on Friday. We are going to come together as a staff and pray…as a full staff. We are going to pray for the LITs (the high school camp staff) and let them know that we are here for them as brothers and sisters in Christ. This is a battle that we need to take on together and we have finally decided to step up.
July 7, 2010
Bible was a bit more serious today. We shared a skit about the Gospel and it was a pretty serious discussion…obviously. The skit starts out with Satan putting all the sin in the “sin box” and then a member of my Bible team stumbles upon it. He likes what he sees and decides to put in his foot and then all of himself. He gets stuck in this sin and there is no way out. He tries to do it himself. He tries to get his friends to pull him out, but he can’t do it. A girl walks by to try to help him. She explains that Jesus loves him and that he died for him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He just waves her off and stays stuck in his on miserable mess. He stays stuck until the girl comes back and shows him that God loves him. He decides to give it a try and Jesus comes and takes his hand out of the mess.
This skit is definitely one that is interesting to me. Once we dip our foot in sin and temptation, we get taken over. It sucks us in and we get trapped. When we get far enough in, we think that we can get ourselves out. We think that other people can pull us out, but the truth of the matter is that we can’t get out of it without Jesus. We always seem to think that we can do this, but in reality…we need someone who is so much more than what we are. You would think that after years and years of hearing the same message, that I would understand this, but in reality…I fall into the same trap. I fall into the trap that when I get sucked in that I can get myself out. I can’t. It’s not me. There is no way that I can pull myself out of it, I am just trapped. Even with the little things…that’s what I have noticed lately. It’s not the big things that I am getting trapped in, but the small things that I am getting trapped in. It’s the small lies, the gossip, the small things that start off and then I get stuck and my heart is being blocked. It’s these things that happen and they pull me away from Christ. It’s the small things that I need help with the most.
My meeting with Daniel was extremely encouraging today as well. He had to go through and tell me what I was doing well and what I needed to work on. The great thing about it was there were a couple things that I already saw that I needed to improve and so we talked through those things. It was cool to see where our minds came together on things and how we both thought about the same things. It was good to talk through what needed to be talked through and to see what was going on in his mind. He told me that I was doing a great job and the things that I needed to work on had nothing to do with how Bible itself is going, so that was great to hear. It was good to hear that Bible is going well and that he thinks that it is actually going well. I am excited about that and it makes me so much more confident in what I am doing. It is good to work under him because he truly does have a heart for God and I can see that in the way that we interact and by the way that we talk about things and even how he talks and interacts with people in general. I have learned so much from him just by observing him and listening to him. He has such a passion for kids and for people in general. He has such a heart for the broken. He has a heart for God. It is awesome to see.
Other than that, the day has just been good. We met with the LIT staff to talk to them about doing prayer with them on Friday. Scott and I talked about how good it would be for us to pray as a staff first and then we will pray over the LITs. I think that it is good that we are doing this. I think that it is good for us to be following a call from God to go and to pray over them. I think that it is good to come together as a team, as one to pray for them. I am excited for these kids because I can see so much of God in them already and I know that he only wants to do so much more with them. I can see Him bringing them up in Him. I am pumped for them and to see where He takes them. He’s got them in for a great trip.
July 8, 2010
Today was a pretty good day. I feel like Bible has been getting better and better as we have gone through things more and more…obviously. Working with our Bible team especially has been so good. They are so great and I am glad to have them on my team. There are disagreements at times, but overall, it is going pretty well. The skit today was good, but definitely needs some more work and I definitely need to go through some things again. Today, we talked about the “actor” (aka…us). We talked about how we act differently around different people because that is who “we are” around them.
To demonstrate this, we used the Good Samaritan as an example, but in a modern day type of way. Bill, a lawyer, starts off the skit by throwing his “iced coffee” in the face of a worker at the local burger joint where he gets his coffee in the mornings. Later on, he gets mugged by some people who steal his money and everything that he has. This leads to him being on the side of the road crying out for help. The first person comes by who leaves him lying there is the typical Christian on their way to all their church meetings…he cannot stop to help…but he’ll pray for him at his prayer meeting that he is off to. Then you have the other lawyer…the acquaintance of Bill…but he just doesn’t have the time. And finally here she comes to save the day…the girl who he treated like trash…the worker at the burger joint. She stops and has pity on him. She is filled with compassion. These other two people seemed like they would help Bill from the outside, but on the inside…no way. She was the only one who’s words lined up with her actions.
This has been hitting me a lot lately, this aligning of words and actions. As I have been dealing with some frustrations, I have realized that what I am preaching hasn’t exactly been what I am practicing. As I tell other people to relax and chill out, I myself am not doing it. I let things get to me too much. I let what other people say anger me and then I take it out on them. I allow those things to really get at me and to bug me. And instead of dealing with it in the proper way, I let it blow up and become something so ugly.
The verse today kind of hits the nail right on the head, “Although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened” Romans 1:21. And this is what has been happening to me lately in this area. I know who God is and I know Him very well, but I am not letting that live out in me. I am not giving him the honor that he deserves by my life. I am speaking one way and going another and that is not how it should be. As I am sitting up here testifying his truth, I am doing the opposite. And this has caused hardened hearts against people as I have let lies about them fester in me. This is definitely something that God has been showing me for the past couple of weeks.
July 9, 2010
I did not sleep well at all last night. The whole night I felt this pressure on me. I kept waking up feeling something over me that was not God. It was not a good feeling and it was not something that I enjoyed. And because of it, my sleep was not good. I woke up in the morning extremely stressed and not ready to start off the day. As I was leaving breakfast, it only seemed to get worse. Megan stopped me on my way out and asked me to change something with Bible. It was not a big deal to change, but it was kind of the top off of the day. She asked me to change some things about the skit and I was fine with that. I would have been better with it if she would have asked earlier in the week, but that is okay. So, I get up to Bible and nothing seems to be going well with me. I am tired, I did not sleep well and I was on the verge of a breakdown. I sat there and I honestly did not even want to get up to the front. However, I knew that I had to force a smile and head up there. I got up and introduced the LITs to do a song and as I sat in the back I felt a huge burden on me. I could not figure out what it was. I could not deal with it. It was so heavy and so deep. I did not know why it was like this. As I got up there to do the skit, I could barely hold the tears back. Everything was so off today and I could feel it. I looked at Alissa sitting down on the ground and could tell that she could tell that I was not with it. Let’s just say that Bible today felt like a total failure. I know that it was not and I know that I am imperfect, but that is what it felt like. After everyone left, that’s when I broke down…right before I had to go hang out with all of them again. Such a perfect way to start out my day.
The carnival did not make things much better. I was still dealing with whatever it was that was on my chest. I still had this huge and heavy burden, but I could not show it because there were so many kids around. I ended up leaving to go play the piano and be alone for a while, but even that did not help very much. This day did not seem to be looking up much. In fact, I felt like it all should have just ended there. I did not want to go through the rest of the day. I did not want to deal with people asking me what was wrong. I did not want to deal with anything.
However, the day did go on and I started to work through it as the day went on. We went into our debrief meeting and to be quite honest I wanted nothing more than to not go to that meeting. I did not want to sit in the meeting as I felt like trash and as I felt that I did a terrible job only to hear those among us get praised for how great they did. I did not want to hear about how great everyone else was compared to the crappy job that I did that morning. And at the end of the meeting, God kicked me in the face. He showed me through my peers that I did do a great job. They lifted me up and encouraged me in so many great ways. I could not have been more blessed by them than I was. I mean, I still felt like trash, but their encouragement was acknowledged. They are great and I am so grateful for who they are.
Following the meeting, we had a prayer meeting with the LIT staff. There has been much disagreement between our staff and their staff lately and we decided that enough is enough. There is no room for arguments and disagreements among the two groups anymore. There comes a time when there must be unity among the both of us. We are all going for the same goal and because of that, we need to be encouraging to one another and need to lift each other up. So, it is starting to get there and we are starting to work on it. It’s not going to be easy and I know that trials will come, but we are starting to work on it. So that is what matters. It matters that we actually see that something needs to be done and that we are trying to do something.
Once they left a few of the high school camp volunteers came in and we prayed over them and with them. The LITs (Leaders in Training) are some really sweet kids. I have really enjoyed working with them this summer. They truly are a blessing in so many ways and they are so cool. I love getting to know them and seeing where they come from. I know that God is rising them up to be awesome leaders and that they will go so far in life if they keep this up. They are just so sweet and they have so much awesome potential. I am really excited to see how much more he works in them in this coming up week. They leave for a missions trip on Friday and I know that he is going to do awesome things through them there. I can feel it and I am totally pumped about it.
Even after all the good that happened today, I still felt like today was such a bad day. I still had so much burdening on my heart, but I did get through it. We headed to town tonight to get some food for Amy’s birthday. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the greatest night food choice wise, but it was good. We did have some good conversation and we actually went with a different group for once, so that was good. However, next time, I want to choose where we go to eat because I get sick of the same thing every time.
July 10, 2010
Today was an…interesting day. Everyone headed out to the beach and I did not want to go. I mean, yeah it would have been fun, but in reality I just needed a break from people. We have been with each other for a while now and it was time for me to just take a break. So today was a work day for me. I sat in Daniel and Adam’s office and worked on some stuff for camp next week. Even though I was working, it was still so good. It was a time for me to be alone and to relax. As I have had so much time to be on the go the past few weeks, it was good to relax and just chill out. So, I sat in there listening to music and folding devo booklets. It was awesome actually.
I still have had this huge burden on my heart. Part of me thinks that it is coming from dealing with other people’s problems. I mean, God has given me this passion for people, but sometimes I cannot deal with it. Lately, I have been so exhausted and ready to just relax that when I hear about other’s problems, I just want to shut down. I mean, it is not that I don’t like helping people out and being there for them, it’s just that I can’t. I need a break sometimes, I need to take care of myself. I need rest and relaxation. I need to just chill out. However, here comes the question, when is it selfishness and when is it healthy? That is a very thin line right now that I just cannot determine. However, I need to determine it.
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