Since June 4th

June 4, 2010
Today, I honestly felt kind of useless. I was doing work, but I felt like everything I did was so unaccomplished. I just couldn’t get myself motivated. Every time I tried to work, I just felt this burden of not wanting to. As I look into it more, I realized that my day did not start off as it usually does. I did not get a chance to spend time in the Word because I was so tired from last night. I just could not get up today. This sets off my schedule immensely.
However, later on in my day, I realized that I needed to do something about this. I needed to change my attitude and really focus on God. I decided that work was not going to get done effectively at the rate I was going and I needed to just go and be with the Lord. So, that’s what I did. It was time for me to go and be with God and let Him work in me and speak through me. I left the office to go and be in silence. I went back to the lodge and sat out on the picnic table facing the mountains. As I sat there, I let God speak to me, I let him open up my heart and my eyes to see what he wanted me to see. “God is my shield, saying those whose hearts are true and right. God is a judge who is perfectly fair, he is angry with the wicked everyday,” Psalm 7:10-11. God is a fair judge. He is a just God. He puts a shield around those who have hearts that are true and right. He protects us. He keeps us safe. I’m going to be running into a lot of tough problems this summer. There are going to be a lot of questions that are going to be asked. There are going to be a lot of “why does it have to be this way for them?” This is what I need to remember, that God is just. He believes in justice and wants to see justice. It is not God to blame for the wicked, but it is the wicked to blame for the wicked. God is all powerful and he does perform miracles, but this is still a fallen world.
As I have been out here, I have had more and more appreciation for what is around me. I have loved being outside and seeing God’s beauty. As I sit there and watch creation while I read God’s Word, it all becomes so much more real to me. I have been reading through the creation story, preparing for one of the lessons and I can just see God in everything around me. I am constantly reminded of how he really did make all of this. This is really all of his. This is God’s beauty. Not only that, but even with being with the people I am with. I am constantly reminded of God and who he is. Having small conversations, watching how people act around others, all of this shows how creative and how beautiful God truly is. When I look into people and truly see God, I am amazed. I am in awe of our creator. Then, I think this, how could I not be in awe of our creator after looking at these people? How can I not be in awe of our creator after seeing how well we interact with one another and how each of gifts fit in perfectly in the whole puzzle? Only God can do that. That is awesome in every sense of the word. It’s the little things that he keeps showing me. The little things that I have always noticed, but need to really pay attention to closer.


June 5, 2010
Today, we are going on a staff camping trip. To be quite honest, I am not so excited about it. I know that I still have a ton to do and that it will be hard to get my mind off of it. However, I also know that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I do not let myself have a good time. I need to remember that as I prepare myself to go. We do have a few hours today to relax and to chill before we actually leave. That is the time that I will be spending preparing my heart to go on this trip. It will be good for us as a team to go on the trip. Even though we do know each other really well already, it will be good to be somewhere other than a work setting. It will be good to have a change of scenery and a refreshed mind that goes along with that. It will be good to be away and to not have to worry about the distractions that we have here. And, it will be good to see a different side of God’s creation.
As I am out there in the wilderness this weekend, I hope that God will reveal himself to me. I am letting myself be opened up to God so that he can work in me. I am opening myself up to silence so that he can speak to me. I am letting my guard down and my walls down so that he can work in me. I am praying that he will take me captive and that he will pour so much into me over this weekend. I am praying that he will take everything that is on my mind and put my focus toward him and him only. I am praying that he will remove whatever is blocking me from him and break all the bondage that keeps me from him. I want God to be working in me and through me. I want to become a new creation and I want to forget the old. What better place than in the middle of nowhere in a tent?
As far as that group goes, I am hoping that we will grow closer together. I am hoping that we establish what we need to establish as a group. I am hoping that God is showing us who we are in the group and how we can be more unified as a group. I am praying that he will bring unity among us and that he will open our eyes to being vulnerable of one another. I am excited to see where God takes us as a group this weekend and to have a little insight of where he wants to take us this summer.

June 6, 2010
Yesterday we left for camping and the campsite we were going to is only an hour and a half away...well, things happened. We had been driving for about an hour and a half and we get to the site…the gate is locked. Okay, well we will just go in through the back way. We drove down the road to the other site to get in, and drive all the way through…there’s no way out, dead end. Then we turned around and start to head out. Adam sees a road that we passed and decides that we should try that one…dead end. Then we just decide to go to another campground. We get back on the road and start to travel to another camp ground. After about thirty or forty minutes, we reach one…not big enough. Then we go to another one…not enough to do. Finally, we reach Mt. Pino…just right. We hike down the trail with our stuff and set up camp, our home for two days…yay. After all this running around, it was about time for dinner…so, we sat around the campfire and hung out until dinner came…what a tiring day.
Today, we woke up and hung out for a bit before eating some breakfast. We finally got some breakfast and waited for Dan to get here to do some team building. Nothing much happened at this campfire, but last night’s campfire was pretty good. We talked a lot about God’s faithfulness in our lives and miracles we have seen him do. However, I must say that some of the conversation was hard to me. As we were talking, some things triggered back to the Taylor accident. It has been four years now, but it still hurts for me. I still have times where I cannot deal with it. I still have times where I break down into tears. I still have times where I cannot bear the burden and the weight of it all. I still have times where I question why. Last night, was one of those times. I was hurting and wanted to cry, but no one here understood. At the same time though, it gave me time to reflect with God and see how he worked in me through that. It helped me to understand why and how it hurts me. It helped me see miracles and how powerful God truly is. So, even though it was hard for me, it was still good for me. God was definitely preparing my heart through last night’s conversation. He was getting me ready for talking about hard things. He was getting me ready for dealing with my struggles, my emotions, my pain. And even though it was uncomfortable, it was still good for me.
We did some team building following breakfast. I am not much of a teambuilding person. In fact, I do not really like team building activities. That is just how I am and I know that I need to get over it. So, I did. I did the team building activities and I did not get very much out of it. But, there was one thing that was addressed during a debriefing session. We talked about the issue of sarcasm on the team. Now, most (minus one) of the team is sarcastic. We all like to be sarcastic and we all like to have a good time. However, at the same time, we know how to be serious when we need to be. Even so, our sarcasm can get out of hand sometimes. Sometimes, it can be taken the wrong way and can be seen as a put down. So, we had to work this out as a group and we talked a lot about how if it brings down our brother or sister in Christ, that we should not do it. That was a good thing to discover about the team and to help us when working together in unity.
June 7, 2010
Before we left to come home today, we spent two hours of solo time with Jesus. I went up to the rocks where we did team building yesterday. As I sat there, I began to think of all the people who have really had an influence in my life and my faith walk. It was good to see what I have learned from them and where I have been stretched and challenged. Also, I had a good conversation with God about my struggles. I struggle sometimes with who God puts in my life. I struggle sometimes with being stability for people and not always having a stable person in my own life. I struggle sometimes with having to be the strong one and with not always having a person to be the strong one for me. I struggle sometimes with God speaking through me into people’s lives that are hurting and are literally living through hell. All of this, I struggle with, but at the same time, I know that I have been blessed immensely. God has shown me what it means to look at people through his eyes. He has shown me what it means to carry the burdens of others and how we are supposed to come alongside of others. He has shown me to look at the gray areas and see where things are not so black and white. He has shown me how to step back and look at things from a different point of view. He has shown me to love with his love and with his heart and not to disregard people because of who they are or where they come from. I struggle when he tells me what to do with these gifts he has given me, but I struggle because I do not let him fill me up. I do not let him pour his love into me. I do not let him fill my cup so that it might overflow onto those around me. I try to handle it on my own sometimes and do not let God work through me and take the burdens, but I try to take the burdens on my own. This is something that I need to work on especially this summer. I need to let God be filling up my cup. I need to let God be pouring into me so that I will overflow with his love.
Heidi and I did have a good conversation yesterday as well that made me really think. As we were hiking down the mountain, I started to tell her about my semester. We talked about how I was extremely depressed this past semester and how I did not want anyone in my life. We talked about Amy and how I never really dealt with it, but just continued to go on with my life. I never dealt with it. I never stopped and processed. I never let God heal me or work in me. I just kept going, pushing myself to take care of others. God said to me yesterday, “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still, stop, and know that he is bigger than anything that I have dealt with in my life. He is bigger than anything that I have ever come in contact with. He is God, he can work through this and wants to work through this. He wants to heal me and take care of me. He wants to comfort me and encourage me.

June 8, 2010
Time is starting to get pretty tight as we have counselors coming in tomorrow and we have week in the city next week. I am ahead of schedule, but not enough ahead of schedule. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it. I have today and tomorrow to do stuff and then the afternoon on Friday, but we leave on Saturday. So, we will see how things will work out. All of my lessons are planned as of now and most of the devo books are done, but the thing is that I still have to figure out what to do with the L.I.Ts when they get here. So, there is a lot of planning in that area still. I will get it done, but I do not know when. That is okay though, getting stressed will not be a smart thing. I know that I need to relax and just chill out and go with the flow. It just means that I have to work much harder and much longer the days that I do have time to do work. After all, it will pay off in the end.
Today, I started to work on the high school devotionals. I feel like these ones come a lot easier than the younger ones. After doing the first two, I start to see where this is supposed to go and how I should direct it. This means that I probably need to go back and readjust the younger ones, but that is okay. It’s not about me, but it is about the kids. It is about what God wants to teach the kids. I think this is what I am most nervous about, I have been listening to God and allowing him to speak to me, but I so often let the lies get to me. I let the lies tell me that I did not hear correctly. I let the lies tell me that I am not good enough or that what I am doing is not good enough. Even though I know the truth about this, it does not keep me from at least listening to the lies. After a while, all I can do is let the lies get to me. However, this is where I do need to let God overcome. I need to rebuke those and let him defeat them for me. It is through him that truth comes and that is what I need to focus on. It is all God who is going to take this battle, not me.

June 9, 2010
Last night ended up being a pretty fun night. Adam needed some people to drive into LA to pick up the boat driver for the camp. Seeing how there was free Taco Bell in it for us, we naturally volunteered. It is times like these that I have loved so far at camp. It is not the forced hang out get to know the staff times, but the “hey, can you go do this and take a friend times.” It is through these times that we have had the best team bonding. It is through these times of not forced get to know you conversations that we have had the best conversations. It is through these non-formal just hang out times that we have had some challenging times and some stretching times. It is through this, that we have been able to build each other up and encourage one another. I know that it has only been a week that we have been together, but we have come close together. We have been open and real with one another. We have allowed God to work in each other through us. We have shared our struggles and been able to hold one another accountable. We have already had those arguments that we need to work through. We will have more and we will have more good times. That is what is so beautiful about coming together as a community of CHRISTIANS: we all have one thing in common and that is what holds us together. So, we may have disputes, we may have fights, but we do love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and that is what sets us apart.
Today, the counselors arrived and I am pretty excited about that. I am pumped for Alissa to be here and glad for her to have this experience. It is good to have people from back home here just because I know they will be back at school with me when I return. They are not my safety net here and I do not plan on spending a ton of time with them, but I do plan to invest in our friendships while we are here. I do want us to grow stronger and build more trust in each other so that when we do get back to school we will be able to debrief and to be real with each other. I am looking forward to seeing where God takes Alissa, Liz, and me. I am excited to see how he uses each of us in each other’s lives and when we get back to Taylor. We all are here for a reason and for different reasons at that and I am pumped to see what fruit comes of that.

June 10, 2010
We had team building activities all morning this morning. I am not going to lie, I was not too excited about it, not because I did not want to do it (which I really did not), but because I knew how much stuff I had to do. We got there and it started off pretty terrible. The guy leading chewed us out because we were late, which made me not want to do things even more, but as the time went on, I got over it. We started off with this game of “telephone.” Jared (our leader) put some items a bit of a distance away from us in a pattern. We had to, one by one, go down and look at his pattern he created and then run down and relay to the person at the end of the line what it was. The person at the end of the line passed it on to the next person and then the next and the next until it reached the first person. The person at the front of the line had to use the items in front of them to duplicate the pattern that was explained to them. It was a long game, but quite entertaining. I must say that my feelings eased up by the end of it. We finished up the game and sat in a circle to talk about how it is related to life and further how it is related to Ephesians 4:23-24 (our theme verse). As corny as it sounded, it actually was really good to talk about. It helped us to see how the verse relates to our everyday lives, especially know that we are Christians.
We finished up team building and headed to lunch and then to three hours worth of meetings. Let us just say that the meetings were so lame that my supervisor was texting me during the meetings. However, it kept me entertained, so I was okay with it. It is just really hard to go to meetings about things that you know because you have been living here. So to be oriented after living here for a while is not that fun. However, it did not kill me, so it must have made me stronger. I feel like I can do anything now that I sat through those meetings, thank you so much for making me.
The day of getting to know one another finished up with shooting one another. Five thirty rolled around and we headed up to the fields for some wings, pizza, and paintball action. It has been quite a while since I have played paintball, but let me tell you what I lit them up last night. I mean except for at the very beginning when I got drilled in the lip, but hey now I can say that I got in a fight or something cool like the. It was a good time and a good time for us to have a break from doing work and to do something that was fun and team bonding such as that. I mean, we have breaks all the time at night, but this was a real organized break and that was definitely needed.

June 11, 2010
Today started out pretty gloomy. We had breakfast and then headed to a seminar about depression, suicide, and abuse. Not really the way that I wanted to start out my day, but it does need to be addressed at some point. As I was sitting there, it did bring a lot back to me though. I did have a lot of memories about what it is like to be young and to be young and depressed at that. Now that I look back on all that and as I sat there today, I realized how much I do have to offer to kids who are going through that. I understand what that is like and I understand how it feels to be depressed at that age. I understand what it means to not want to go to school or how there is that one last straw that breaks the camel’s back. That can help me and at the time and even after I got over it, I felt like such a loser for ever feeling that way, but now I realize that good can come out of it. It can help me help others and God’s light can truly shine because of it. God did work through all of that and he has helped me deal with it and that is what the beauty of it all is. I can help others see that same beauty.
Following all of that, I needed to continue to work on devotions for senior high and junior high camps. As I wrote the devotionals for the camps, I really got to thinking about how big God truly is. I mean, I know this and I have thought about this before, but I have never until now let it take my breath away the way that it did. As I wrote about God being the director of our lives, I could not get it out of my mind that God spoke…and it happened. He did nothing but merely speak and it happened. Nothing more, nothing less, but speak. Seriously, that takes my breath away. It is so cool to think that our God is so big and so powerful that all he has to do is speak and things fall into place. All he has to do is say that he wants something and it happens. All he has to do is command and BAM! That is incredible to me, why can’t I do that? Oh yeah, I am not God. Which is another thing that has been good to bring back into perspective