It Never Ends

Passion, a word that describes me so well. A word that turns so many others off. A word that makes others shy away from specific topics. A word that scares some from having specific conversations with me. Some might say that it is dramatic. Some might say that it is not necessary. Some might say that it is all just too much. It is these “some might say” that have kept me quiet. It is those who have calmed me down that have kept me from being open. It is those who have shut me up that have brought me to being insecure about vulnerability. And it is time for me to speak up and no one is going to stop me.

I watched The Help last night. It is a great movie and it was so well done. The whole time a passion was stirring up in me. An anger was stirring up in me and a constant tug on my heart. As I watched that movie, I was furious. Not because of some civil rights movement from years ago, not because the mistreatment of anyone happened in the 50's and 60's. Not because Jim Crow was a moron and stupid laws were put in place. It was because our mindsets have not changed at all. Sure, we do not have Jim Crow laws anymore, we don't have segregated schools or restaurants, but we still think the same. Whenever we see someone who is different from us, whether they be Black, Hispanic, Asian, Korean, or anyone else, we create judgments in our mind. We look at people according to what they look like or what the stereotypes are. This is the most frustrating thing for me. It has been something that has been building up in me for quite a few years now.

As I was at Taylor, I had friends who I respected greatly. I had friends who were extremely close to me and I would go to them before anyone else for advice or guidance. However, these same friends who were so great to me also frustrated me the most. They judged people greater than anyone else I have ever come in contact with. They made jokes about people, only joking, but jokes have so much truth packed in. Those jokes came from somewhere. And so often, I sat there. I kept my mouth shut and did not stand up. I did not want to be mocked myself. I did not want to be hurt myself. I wanted to just get by because I know how much words hurt and I watched words hurt people over and over again. I watched myself turn out to be the same way. I watched myself get the same mindset about the people that my friends were judgmental against. People who I once cared for and reached out to, I turned against. I don't want that anymore. I am sick of it, I want to be free of it.

My mother's side of the family is extremely racist. I spoke up for so many years, getting upset about the stupid comments they made. I was silenced time after time which made me realize that what I had to say was not important. “We are just kidding, Anna,” they would repeat time after time. Kidding, yeah right. They might have said that they were kidding, but the truth is that they are not kidding at all. What is the point of even saying it? What is the point of even joking? What is the point? They saw the pain in my eyes, they saw how their words hurt me and they never stopped. They still don't. They say things that are a shot to my heart and they know it. If they do not know it, they truly have not feelings.

The reason for all of this anger lately, for me being so upset is because of our last family function. I have been thinking about how I was so upset and so hurt last weekend. My Aunt made a stupid comment about the kids that I work with. She doesn't even know them. She said that maybe I should help her kids get through school. I love my job, I love the students I work with. They have potential and they are going to go far. They need people in their lives to show them that. I get so much crap from my family for the things that I do. I get so much crap for why I live my life the way that I do. I am okay with it. I am okay with the way that they talk about me. I am okay with how they hurt me over and over again, but I am not okay with how they talk about the people that I work with. They call themselves Christians and I want to see that more lived out in their lives. They mock my life of Christianity and how I follow Christ, but the truth is that I have never had much of a model to look up to.