Memory

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose"

I have never wished to forget anything from my past. I know that what I have gone through and what I have dealt with has created me into the person that I am today. Though I have never wished to forget anything, I have wished to be able to suppress these memories at times.There are times when I wish that I cannot have certain things from my past on my heart or on my mind. I wish that I could control memories to when I wanted to bring them up not when a specific song is playing or when I am in a specific place. That would be really nice. However, that is not how it works. Memories come in whenever the heck they want to and no matter what, even if I say that I can hold them back, I can't. Not even if I try my absolute hardest and lately I have tried my hardest. I wish to keep these memories back, I don't want to be in pain and I don't want to hurt...but it's through that pain and hurt that I have become who I am today. I know that sounds like a cheesy Christian novel, but it is true.

I remember sitting there. I remember being in the aisle. I remember no one talking. I remember everyone staring. Staring forward at the stage. I remember crying. I remember pain-filled hearts. I remember fear-filled people. Fearful of who. I remember dreamful thinking. I remember saying it couldn't be. I remember prayerful thinking. Praying that it did not happen. I remember so much more than this. I remember the pain, the hurt, the tears. I remember all of it. I remember what I was reading, the test that I did not get to take, a new outlook on family.

5 years tomorrow.