Cursed Blessings

"Our greatest passion coincidently is also our greatest curse." It is eerie how spot on these words were for me today. This has been one of the hardest struggles that I have encountered and it's been only more of a challenge in the past year. The truth is that I love my love for people, but there are times where I wish I could have control over that love for people.

We all have those gifts that we have been blessed with that often times we wish we didn't have. Mine just so happens to be the gift of empathy and to be honest it is such a burden most of the time. It's hard for me not to feel for the humans who surround me whether I know them or not. It's harder for me to not feel even deeper than they do themselves (or so it seems). It's this heart throb burden that I wish I could turn off but apparently I do not have a controller to do so.

As I had this conversation today, I was just continuing to think of the purpose of this gift that fills me up but also makes me so miserable at times. The reality is that it only frustrates me because the people who surround me do not think the same way that I do. They do not process the same way that I do and they don't quite understand this part of me. This has only sent me into the frustration of why I have been "blessed" with this. I can't explain it and often times it seems like I am just being a pansy who is emotionally unstable. I feel like some kind of freak until I have conversations like today where I realize that I am not the only one.

The conclusion that I have come to from this conversation today is that we often times feel like we are alone in our everyday struggles. This is a common conversation among most people, but that doesn't mean that it isn't continuously forgotten. Every single day I forget that I have other humans who are going through the same things or that struggle with the same thoughts that I do. Especially when it comes to the thoughts about this burden that is heavy on me. It is hard for me to talk about because I feel that it is worn down especially because I am a verbal processor (and an over processor at that) but my closest group of friends are not. However, even so, I am not alone. There are others out there who do think in the same way that I do and that is a comforting thought.

This whole thought process isn't a shot at my friends because I do have an incredible group of friends, but it is more so a thought through the human mind. We all have those things that we think we are alone with and we all are careful to speak of them, but the truth is that there are people to listen. It's the understanding of how to convey information and learning to work together through struggles. There is that tension of learning other people's communication skills while not losing how you communicate yourself. These gifts that we have been blessed with have purpose and meaning, but the truth is that they do suck sometimes. The goal now is to figure out what to do with them and where to go from here. My goal is to find purpose and joy even in the most burdensome times.

Spring Break: Life's Truth Serum

I never thought I would be one of those girls to be a part of a social media dating/hook up app. I have far too much pride and am far too scared of what others might think of me. However, these feelings ceased as the black hole some might know as loneliness started to suck me in. I got to a point where I wanted to be wanted or at least feel wanted and I did not care the means to get there. The obvious decision in my mind was to download Tinder and see what all the hype was about. The truth is that going into this self medicating situation was a bad idea and I knew it from the beginning.

The reality of my life is that I am surrounded by beautiful human beings. This isn't going to be one of those things where I get down on myself or make it seem like I don't see the beauty in myself, but I am just going to state the facts. I am surrounded by beautiful people and it is extremely hard to fight the comparison game. It's hard to look at them and see myself as an equal to them or that I will ever be as wonderful or beautiful as they are. Part of this is because when it comes down to it, there is a part of me that doesn't care to be. There is a part of me that likes being the "bro" in the circle of my guy friends, but there definitely the girl in me that wants to be wanted.

And then the app gods finally made this feeling of being wanted possible in such a "harmless" way and its name was "Tinder." At first it all started out as a game. I played it like the lottery or like the slot machines, it all was a game of luck. Then, I started to get matches. The first few I was quite impressed with, but then I continued to get match after match. It created this feeling in me that was exactly what I was desiring. I was searching for some sort of validation and this was exactly what I was feeling. Boys really did like me and they did want to get to know me. They paid attention to me and they had some sort of interest in me. Even though it was all virtual, it was real to me.

As the time went on, I only became to feel more shallow with this Tinder app. The cuter the matches were that liked me, the less likely I was to "swipe right" for a less cute one. I now had a scale to compare the others to and they better be good enough to make it on to the "match list." I was no longer finding validation in their matching of me, but instead was feeling only more powerful. My confidence continued to grow and I became more prideful within this. Finally, I noticed how much time this was taking up and that's when I got a swift kick to the face. I finally came crumbling back down to reality especially as I realized that I was finding my value in fake relationships.

It's not very often that I get that kind of attention from the opposite gender and the power was overwhelming me. However, it was also all fake. I wasn't actually getting real attention from these men and they only likes me based on a few photos and a few words. I was placing myself in a place to be judged in the most shallow of ways. I only was selling myself short because I knew how to manipulate the system to make guys "like" me. Aside from all of that, matching only leads to dumb decisions and dumb fantasies that lead to pain. When it comes down to it, is feeling "liked" worth it? It most certainly is not. If I can't pursue all yet hear things with a real live human in front of me, I am only opening myself up to pain.

With all this discovery only comes more challenges to loneliness. The first is trying harder to get over the comparison game. Sure, my best friends are beautiful human beings, but I can't let that play into the thought of my eon beauty. The second is finding confidence and being able to live independently within loneliness. Third of all, it is truly understanding that shallowness only leads to hollow feelings.  Being liked is nothing but a feeling when there is no substance to back it up. Here's to fighting all that BS and moving on.

The Truth of Love

There are times in our lives where we walk into situations that we know are going to be rough, but we didn't know that they were going to be this rough. The truth is that when we walk into those situations it is quite easy to have a positive attitude at first. However, as it goes on and our lives get harder, positive attitudes start to disappear. Positivity turns into apathy and annoyance. Hope disappears and escape plans are starting to be mapped out.

I have found myself in this place of apathy lately when it comes to a specific life scenario. God has brought someone into my life that isn't the easiest to love because of a myriad of reasons. As God is showing me what it looks like to love her, the devil is showing me why I shouldn't. My life is a real life tug of war between God and the devil and to be honest...the devil is winning. It's much easier to not love or to "surface love" a human being when times are rocky and that is what I am being pulled more towards.

However, as I read through the Gospels and even witness other human beings in my life, I see the truth of love revealed. First of all, God doesn't use clean people for his purpose. He uses those who are messed up and who have a past. The reason I acknowledge this is because when it comes to loving another human being it so easy for me to compare my life to theirs. The life they live may not be as clean as mine and I may mess up, but at least I don't mess up that much. This is the point where the humbling hand of God knocks me upside the head. Who am I to look at another human's life and think that God can do nothing with them? Who am I to look at their life and think that he is not doing anything with them right now? It's easy to have a skewed view of God's plan when we are stuck in our own minds of comparison. We must remember that we are all on the same scale and that nothing we do is bigger or lesser than that of other humans.

It is easy to lose hope in people when we see them continually make wrong decisions. We all continue to make wrong decisions. I continue to the same mistakes every single day even when those who love me tell me that I am in the wrong. Not only do the humans in my life tell me, but the Holy Spirit continually convicts me on my decisions. The truth is that even though I continue to mess up, I have a God who continues to love me and push me through that. Hope is not lost in my case and I should not lose hope in those "difficult" people in my life. If we have no hope in those around us that we care and love for, who will? And even more so, why should they have hope in themselves if no one else does? Hope is a simple thing to instill in another human beings life and to be real it doesn't always look like it's there at first, but it is. Hope is one of those things that takes a little bit of time to grow inside of a person because there is a great chance that it has never existed previously.

Love isn't an easy action all of the time nor is it meant to be easy. Love is continually challenging to the person extending and receiving. The truth is that until we allow ourselves to be humbled and to move past our own selfishness, we will never understand love. We have to look at the people (even the difficult one) who surround us and love them with a much deeper love. We cannot love through a human love, but only through the love of Christ. We all have our stories and we all have hit a sort of rock bottom, but we are continually loved. If we are continually loved, why should we not extend the favor? People will never change if we don't allow them to change. We only continue to chain them down with our lack in faith in them. With that being said, here's to a new challenge of true love...even in the hardest times.

A Passion for the Unseen

God bless my roommate for putting up with me and my passions about the human race. It seems as though whenever I tend to get heated about the mistreatment of humans or even the thought of it, she is the one who gets to hear it. I would not trade my passion for human beings for anything else in this entire world. More so, I would not change my quick to speak on behalf of others or even react when I feel that people are treated in an unjust way.

My passion and feelings toward the human race has been sparked again more recently. A week ago, my roommate and I were sitting in a coffee shop talking to one of the baristas about the “homeless dudes who are always yelling” outside of his apartment. He made some rude comment about homelessness in general and it had me extremely heated. Not only do I work with homeless people, but these are the men that my organization works directly with. It struck a pretty painful and irritating chord with me to say the least. Though this incident only left me heated for a little bit, it did start to reignite my passion for the powerless and voiceless.

Until recently, this passion hasn't died necessarily, but has been put on the back burner as I have fallen into the realities of life. I have become content with where I am at in my jobs and life in general. I haven't had any heated debates that have truly made my blood boil and in reality, I haven't even been that irritated with the human race. As dumb as it may sound, these are the things that keep my passion going and that really challenge me in my thinking. However, I haven't had to fight for anything lately, let alone anyone. To be quite honest, I was grateful for this conversation to happen because though it made me angry, it made me angry with good reason.

This past Friday, I really got a chance to allow myself to be fed in this way as I went to hear Steve Corbett speak on the impoverished and unseen people. It was so refreshing to be sitting in a room full of people who have the same desires and goals for the human race as me. It was even more refreshing to hear such a brilliant and compassionate man speak on a hope for the people who have been isolated from the rest of the world. As I sat in that auditorium, I felt full of life as I knew that this dream isn't over, but that it is continuing and in some ways beginning. 

Ramblings of a Missional City

Vision has been something that has felt so far away for such a long time. I understand that visions are something that ll human beings have, but the reality of the matter is sometimes we don't allow ourselves to see those visions. There is this disconnect between vision and heart that is a product of fear. If I am being completely honest with myself, I have allowed fear to stunt my vision growth greatly in the last year or two. I have allowed myself to believe that vision is nothing but a dream and unattainable dreams at that.

Had I not moved to Indy, my view on vision probably would not have changed. In fact, my view would have been more cynical and my heart hardened even more. Being in Indy has reignited my passion and my heart for God's people and for a Kingdom mindset. Vision is not just some dream that is unattainable anymore, but instead it is a goal that I am constantly moving towards. The brokenness that surrounds me does not bring me down, but instead it motivates me. It motivates me to find beauty and to move forward with the plans that God has called me to.

The reality of all this vision talk is that seeing a future for God's Kingdom does not mean to start big. Just like any other project the furthering of the Kingdom has to start small. Nothing becomes something overnight. This Kingdom can only be expanded through God and the people of God. It has to be through listening and then responding to the voice of God. And it can't be discouraged through the thought of "nothing happening." Our human minds can't handle i sometimes because we cannot see it, but God is working and he is moving forward with his Kingdom.

I have this desire and passion to bring together the people of God for the purpose of God. I would love to see borders crossed and walls broken down to help those that God loves most. The truth is that we have so many churches with people who have beautiful hearts for God and why not work for the same goal? The vision that has been given to me is for us to bring together our skills and work toward expanding the Kingdom of God in our cities. Specifically, how can we bring our own skill sets together and help those who do not have voice to speak for themselves? Spiritual hunger is not only fed through church and scripture, but it is through the love of Christ. The love of Christ is not given only through conventional evangelism, but through tangible concepts as well. Find the need and then pull together a network of people to accomplish the goal of fulfilling the need.

Vulnerability Within Inadequacy

Often times when I am going through Spiritual warfare, I imagine myself being the "patient" in the Screwtape Letters.  I imagine myself in these battles as I am starting to win how the Devil is only plotting his next move. I suppose it is a strange thought to find myself in the middle of fake conversations between demons in a book written by C.S. Lewis, but minds have to be imaginative every once in a while.

The latest battle that I have been dealing with is being an inadequate human being. This is an odd thing for me to admit as I appear to be fairly confident on the outside, but even I have to have human qualities I guess. The true battle that lies within this fear of inadequacies is allowing the Devil's lies to steer it rather than the truth of God. It's so much easier to hear the lies over the truth and convenience wins over challenge. At least that is what the enemy tells us and I have found myself following that more often than not lately.

The truth is that with transition comes new struggles, new challenges, or past ones that are revisited. Moving down to Indy has been a great thing for me and God has truly been working in me since I have been here. I have felt what it means to have the joy of the Lord within me again. I have rediscovered what passion is and have grown in my passions. However, as I have been growing, I have fallen into a spiritual battlefield. The great truths that the Lord has revealed to me are manipulated and twisted into the lies that the Devil wants me to believe. I have fallen into the comparison of myself with others down here in a wide variety of areas. I see greatness happening all around me and instead of being encouraged, I see how I have fallen short and I am not good enough. Allowing vulnerability for a defeat by the enemy.

This is where I have to start my own plan of counteracting the attacks that are thrown my way. I can either allow my flaws and short comings bring me down and fall into a pit of self pity or I can allow the Lord to work through those. Anxiety and fear have no place where the truth of the Lord resides and in this I can find true confidences. I am human and I do have flaws just like all of those who surround me who I compare myself to. Even with all of my imperfections and downfalls as a human being, I can have faith in the fact that God will strengthen me through those. I cannot be afraid of the pain that comes along with that process, but instead embrace it. Embracing flaws brings on a more complete picture of not only God, but the body of Christ that surrounds us. Here's to further challenges within 2013 and moving forward.

Naptown's Reminders

1. A Reminder of Joy

Over the past few weeks, I have rediscovered what it feels like to be overcome with joy. I would honestly say that this is a feeling that has been missing for quite sometime in my life. I have been happy and I have even seen glimpses of joy, but being overwhelmed with joy has been out of the question. However, through being in Indy and having the chance to really take a breath for the first time in a long time, I have found this sweet joy that I have been missing for so long. 

The truth of the matter is that happiness is nothing without joy. It's funny to think that I have been told that for so long, but it took a period of time without it for me to completely understand it. Now that I have felt joy again, I need to not take it for granted, but instead keep ahold of it. I need to keep ahold of it not only in the times that are happy, but also in the times that are rough. Joy is something that we all connect with happiness, but the reality of the matter is that joy comes from the Lord. This means that even in the toughest times, we can feel true joy if we are rooted in the Lord. 

2. A Reminder of True Community

 Community was something that was completely lacking in my life over the past year. I had a bit of a community in Muncie, but I only partially felt a part of it. I was going through some rough times that I had no one to really work through with me. Since being here in Indy I have not only been a part of one great community, but two great communities.

Going to Indy Metro has helped me to see what church community looks like. For the longest time I have forgotten the beauty of community within the church. My old church had it, but I never felt fully a part of the community. I have felt fully a part of the church since I first started going to Indy Metro two months ago. The group of people that I have met there have been encouraging, uplifting, challenging, and some of the greatest people that I have ever known. It's definitely been a blessing to be a part of a group where I feel like I can be real about life with them 

Aside from that I have found great community in the group of women that I work with at Starbucks. Since being here I have already seen God working in me through them. I have been able to be open and honest with them. I have already walked through struggle and challenges with them since being here. We have laughed together and cried together which is a weird thing for me to ever admit. The reality is that they have encouraged me and they have challenged me. They push for me to be a better person not only in the work place, but also in life. 

3. A Reminder of Passion

I haven't allowed my passion to truly come out in a while. I have felt that it's been stunted by my lack of joy or even lack of desire. I have been afraid to seek out my passion or to even feel it because I know how much it hurts when it's no longer there. Such a typical human reaction to lack of something to not seek it out because they won't want to lose it once it's there. Looking at that now I see how ridiculous that is, but I am human so I am quite ridiculous to begin with. 

Two weeks ago in my interview with Wheeler, my passion started to really be ignited again. Talking through things that I love and care for in the interview. Being open and honest about how excited I get when human beings start to see their true meaning stirred up something great in me. But to be completely honest, this was the question that was the actual game changer, "If there is one thing that you could tell these women, what would it be?" With that question, I felt the Spirit of the Lord come over me. This was the breaking point and it's about time.

My passion was restored as I answered with how my soul longs for people to see their true worth. I desire for the women that I come in contact with (and anyone else for that matter) to see themselves as God sees them. I desire for people to diffuse the lies of the world that are being thrown at them and to rise up and become who they were designed to be. I wish for all the hope that has been destroyed to be restored and for them to see that this can be a hopeful place. That within all of the darkness there is some bit of light that shines through. I wish for all people to see that in all the brokenness there is hope for something greater to rise up. 

It's through these three reminders that God has really pursued me since I have been in Indy. I have truly felt his presence and I have truly been challenged by his Spirit. It has been rough at times, but it has been amazing at the same time. The truth of it all is that I am starting to realize what it feel like to be alive again. It is something that has been so refreshing and I am so blessed by it. I am blessed by this time in my life and most of all by the people that God has put in my life.