Set the Bar

During this year as a country we have had so many conversations of what consent is and what it looks like. Honestly, it always seemed mind boggling to me that we are still having these conversations because it should be so cut and dry. It should be a situation where we can clearly say that actions made were either right or wrong. However, I can see how people struggle to see what consent truly is.

A few nights ago I was at a bar with a few friends having this conversation and a drunken man at the bar decided to join into our conversation. He rudely interrupted with this statement, "but who's fault is it that she was blacked out? If I get blacked out and walk out on the street and get shot, that's my own fault." First of all, there are so many wrong things with this situation and this thought process, but I think what hit me the most is that I have fallen into that mindset myself. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that it is the blacked out person's fault for being taken advantage of. However, it is much easier for me to get defensive of other people in this situation than for myself.

These words that this man rambled to us have been on my mind for the last few days now. I can't get them out of my head and they infuriate me so much. The most infuriating part of these words are that I have believed this myself. There have been times that I have tried to justify as being my fault because "I had too much to drink" or "I sent the wrong signals." It has been so easy for me to take the blame because there were parts of the situation that I had control over. It was easy to let it be my fault because even though I had said no, I should have never been in the situation in the first place. 

This has brought me to a very dangerous place in relationships. First of all, it has caused me to never process or talk about past situations in a healthy way. I allowed lies and fears to take away my voice. I felt like I had to take ownership over what had happened. This brought me up to fabricating a story of what happened versus the true story. I felt that if I spoke about the situation in a way that made it seem like I was all in that it would get rid of some of the guilt that I was feeling.

Aside from not being able to process in a healthy way, this way of thinking caused me to bring down the bar in my own relationships. My thoughts were that I wasn't desirable as a significant other, but only a friends with benefits. This pushed me to falling back into what was comfortable. I started to fall back into relationships that were unhealthy and that were not good for me, but they were still comfortable. Even though I wasn't being treated as I should have been, some type of affection was still affection. Falling back into this only kept me even more quiet because I was making the situation for myself.

A lot of these things I have not spoken to anyone before. I have held stories and situations in because of fear and judgment. It has been a long road of not speaking only because it was truly hard to find my voice. I can continually empower other human beings and help them to see their worth, but I am my toughest critic. I have honestly thought that I do not deserve to have better. I have thought that I will never be able to find better. I have thought that I only get what I deserve.

These lies that I have always believed have started to be shattered. The drunken man in the bar pushed me to move forward. If I am going to get so infuriated about others, I should get infuriated about myself. If I am constantly telling others that they need to seek out the love that they actually deserve then I should as well. It's going to be a long road of healing, but I think that it is something that I can accomplish.