My grandmother was one of the most hospitable people that I had ever met. Over the last week I was constantly reminded of this as we spent the last wakening moments of her life with her. From the moment that she arrived at her house on hospice to the moment that she took her last breath, her house was full of people that she loved and that loved her. Through friends, family, and my grandmother herself, there was so much I learned and was reminded of where I came from.
True Selflessness
As my grandmother laid in her living room during her last hours she was constantly checking in on my grandfather. She was in pain and she was struggling but all she was concerned with was if my grandfather got to "watch his show." Being comfortable wasn't as important to her as making sure that my grandfather was happy and that he was taking care of himself.
She also was more concerned with if we all were comfortable. She didn't want all of us who were at the house to be sad. She wanted to comfort us and she spoke to us to tell us that we had nothing to worry about. She wanted to ensure that we were alright and that we were taking good care of ourselves.
This is something that almost everyone in my family has inherited from my grandmother. We all watched her serve others before herself and learned that this is how we should also live. This is something that I witnessed in myself this weekend. Everyone else came before me no matter how much pain I was in myself. This is something that I am beyond blessed to have inherited from my grandmother.
Final Advice
My grandmother had each one of us in the room with her hear her final charges for our lives. When it got to me, my grandmother looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Anna. Find a boyfriend, get married, and have babies." Talk about a lofty goal for the one human in the room who was just talking to her cousin about children not being real. Not to mention that I am the one human in the family who constantly states that love isn't real. Thanks for the charge, gram.
All kidding aside, this charge from my grandmother did hit me pretty hard. The reality is that relationships have been something that I have been struggling with for a while now. I come from a small Christian conservative bubble that tells me that I should have walked down the aisle seven years ago. Here I am, still single at the age of 29.
Part of me feels guilty because I don't know if I ever will be with someone or if I even want to be with someone. It is this weird feeling that I should do it because it was literally the last thing she ever said to me. I know that I am putting too much pressure on it, but that is just how it is sometimes with last words or phrases.
I know that my grandmother would not be disappointed in me if I never got married, but I also know that it's a desire that the family lives on. She wants our legacy to be continued long after her death. I may never get married and I may never have kids, but these words will continue to challenge me. They challenge me because I have been so narcissistic when it comes to love and relationships. I have been burned and it has been hard for me to see myself ever getting over my issues. However, it is time for me to start being open to relationships. It is time for me to let the past remain in the past and for me to move forward. It is time for me to put to rest the relapse of old relationships and to start to respect myself more. It is time for me to see who I truly am.
True Love
My grandfather's last interactions with my grandmother was the epitome of love. As my grandmother lied there and struggled to continue on with life, my grandfather was there by her side the entire time. He did not want her to go to sleep because he knew that she would not wake up. He continued to keep her awake as long as he could because he was not ready to say goodbye.
My grandfather loved my grandmother. He continued to stroke the side of her face as she was taking her last breaths. He would tell her that he loved her and she would say, "love you more." He told her that she was just as beautiful as the day that they met. He made sure that she was comfortable and that she had everything that she needed until the last hours of her living.
My grandfather showed what love means to all of us who were at home with my grandmother during this time. He showed us what it meant to truly serve my grandmother when she was most concerned with him being comfortable. He showed us that love means to be there and to be supportive even when it was the hardest to do so.
It has taken me almost two weeks to write this blog mostly because I have been running away from my feelings. It hasn't been easy for me to cope with the loss of my grandmother because honestly I am not ready to. I am not ready for her to be gone and I am not ready to move forward. I was not ready for Christmas without her. However, in the words of my grandfather, "I am going to have to be ready." I am going to have to deal with this and I am going to have to move forward. I can't avoid emotions forever.
Christmas wasn't the same without my grandma. It was hard to watch my grandfather break down. It was hard to be strong when I wanted to break down myself. However, in the midst of pain I did see beauty. I saw how my grandma taught us all to love well an taught us to care for one another. We were brought together through the midst of pain. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for her life here on earth and what she has taught us. I am excited to continue to use her lessons in everyday life. Here's to you, Gram.
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