I never thought I would be one of those girls to be a part of a social media dating/hook up app. I have far too much pride and am far too scared of what others might think of me. However, these feelings ceased as the black hole some might know as loneliness started to suck me in. I got to a point where I wanted to be wanted or at least feel wanted and I did not care the means to get there. The obvious decision in my mind was to download Tinder and see what all the hype was about. The truth is that going into this self medicating situation was a bad idea and I knew it from the beginning.
The reality of my life is that I am surrounded by beautiful human beings. This isn't going to be one of those things where I get down on myself or make it seem like I don't see the beauty in myself, but I am just going to state the facts. I am surrounded by beautiful people and it is extremely hard to fight the comparison game. It's hard to look at them and see myself as an equal to them or that I will ever be as wonderful or beautiful as they are. Part of this is because when it comes down to it, there is a part of me that doesn't care to be. There is a part of me that likes being the "bro" in the circle of my guy friends, but there definitely the girl in me that wants to be wanted.
And then the app gods finally made this feeling of being wanted possible in such a "harmless" way and its name was "Tinder." At first it all started out as a game. I played it like the lottery or like the slot machines, it all was a game of luck. Then, I started to get matches. The first few I was quite impressed with, but then I continued to get match after match. It created this feeling in me that was exactly what I was desiring. I was searching for some sort of validation and this was exactly what I was feeling. Boys really did like me and they did want to get to know me. They paid attention to me and they had some sort of interest in me. Even though it was all virtual, it was real to me.
As the time went on, I only became to feel more shallow with this Tinder app. The cuter the matches were that liked me, the less likely I was to "swipe right" for a less cute one. I now had a scale to compare the others to and they better be good enough to make it on to the "match list." I was no longer finding validation in their matching of me, but instead was feeling only more powerful. My confidence continued to grow and I became more prideful within this. Finally, I noticed how much time this was taking up and that's when I got a swift kick to the face. I finally came crumbling back down to reality especially as I realized that I was finding my value in fake relationships.
It's not very often that I get that kind of attention from the opposite gender and the power was overwhelming me. However, it was also all fake. I wasn't actually getting real attention from these men and they only likes me based on a few photos and a few words. I was placing myself in a place to be judged in the most shallow of ways. I only was selling myself short because I knew how to manipulate the system to make guys "like" me. Aside from all of that, matching only leads to dumb decisions and dumb fantasies that lead to pain. When it comes down to it, is feeling "liked" worth it? It most certainly is not. If I can't pursue all yet hear things with a real live human in front of me, I am only opening myself up to pain.
With all this discovery only comes more challenges to loneliness. The first is trying harder to get over the comparison game. Sure, my best friends are beautiful human beings, but I can't let that play into the thought of my eon beauty. The second is finding confidence and being able to live independently within loneliness. Third of all, it is truly understanding that shallowness only leads to hollow feelings. Being liked is nothing but a feeling when there is no substance to back it up. Here's to fighting all that BS and moving on.
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