Soco Amaretto Lime

"I'm gonna stay 18 forever, so we can stay like this forever, and we'll never miss a party 'cuz we keep them going constantly. And we'll never have to listen to anyone about anything because it's all been done and it's all been said. We're the coolest kids and we take what we can get...you're just jealous 'cuz we're young and in love..."

Drowning myself in high shool musical memories. A flood of Brand New, Taking Back Sunday, and The Get Up Kids is coming over me right now. Pulling me under waves of emotions, sadness, and living in the moment. It's funny how music only adds more to the moods that we fall in. I'm reminded of the fool I was in high school falling for the sly comments and the smooth talker personality that he had. Reminded by the lyrics that I used to drown all of my problems in. The lyrics that took all the pain away for a while, but only heightened the mood that I was in. Only making me more depressed or more angry than I already was. These songs only making me wish that I had never believed him.

Now, here I am, in that place again. Full of anger and sadness. Thank you for coming back into my life this past weekend. Thank you for letting me down, as you always do. Thank you for not allowing me to tell you what is on my mind. For getting my hopes up that I would be able to. It's been a couple of years now. When you are out of sight, you are out of mind to an extent. Then, you had to walk right back in. Just like you always do. I never forgot you, I never will. I will never forget all the freaking pain and agony that you have put me through. I will never forget how you have given me so much hope only to destroy me. I will never forget how much of a game this was to you. Look at you now, you have moved on and I have tried. I have tried, but you sir, you are the reason that I cannot. You are the reason that I have lack of trust. You are the reason that my weekend was ruined. Thank you for that. Thank you for being the only freaking boy who has ever made me cry in sadness. See, see how much of this has been built up inside of me since the last time we talked. A year and a half ago. I just have so much to say. I just want to be real with you. I just want to tell you how much you have screwed me over. How much you have put me through and how much it freakin sucks. And then say thank you for all of it. Listen, I don't care if you call, but freaking follow through. At least give me the light of day.

It's funny how some of the best times of our lives could also be some of the worst. How we spend so much freaking time on what we think is worth it...was it worth it when we look back on things? It's funny how much we pour into some people to get nothing in return. How one person could bring so many smiles, but so many more tears. It's funny how after so many years, things would be thought to be forgotten, but are constantly remembered. It's funny how one person can make me write such a freaking emo post right now. How one person can have so much control over me.

I have so many emotions overflowing me right now. I have so much anger and so much pain overflowing me. I seem to keep getting myself into these situations. MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE: UNRELIABLE PEOPLE...MY BIGGEST ATTRACTION: UNRELIABLE PEOPLE. I try. I try to constantly be there. I try to be unselfish. To be selfless and to push on. To live a life that is Christlike in the sense that when I am constantly screwed over, I am only there more. I only put myself out there more for the person. A constant love that does not stop. Constantly serving when I am getting nothing in return. However, sometimes I lose sense of what this looks like. What does this look like in my life. When is it too far? Where is the freaking line!? When do I just stop? What does it look like to not be there, but to still love? How can I do this without getting hurt? What does it look like for me to tell the other person? How do I get to the point where I do not let this ruin me?

This is ruling over me right now.

I can't freaking take it.