Parenthood

I started to get annoyed after being stuck there for five minutes longer than I was supposed to be. The annoyance grew greater after the 45th minute. I called their parents at least four times and I got no answer or no call back. They said they would be there in five minutes and this was at noon, when 12:45 came I obviously was irritated. I had to go to work soon and this just threw a curveball in my day. 

This is just one of the perks of working in the area that I work in. I get the pleasure of being upset by people not taking the responsibility in their own lives. It's a constant battle for me to understand who to put the blame on. The kids feel that the annoyance is towards them, but the truth is that it's not. The blame goes more toward the parents and then even more toward their parents. 

This situation in particular started out with me being frustrated because of the inconvenience that it was to me, but then it ended up being a frustration because of the kids. These kids are in the situation that they are in because of their parents. They cannot control the situations that they fall into and that kills me. It kills me to watch them live the life that they do and hurt constantly. It kills me to see that they do not get the attention that they deserve. It kills me that they do not get the help that they deserve. Most of all it kills me to see that they do not get the love that they deserve.

Don't get me wrong, there is love in this family. Their parents love them and they love their parents. However, love means being sacrificial. Love means dropping whatever is holding you back from getting your kids on time and going to get them. Love means getting rid of all of those worldly things and pour into the family that you have brought up. It means getting over the fact that you are in over your head and doing whatever it takes to provide. It means making them into better people than you are and pushing them to be the best that they can be. 

Life as we Know It

I find myself constantly talking about this "transitional phase" more and more as time after college goes on. I suppose that it makes sense seeing how this is where I am right now. However, it also seems that the more that I talk about it, the less that I understand about it. It is true that there is some sense of understanding that is happening, but that is not what it feels like.

Often times, this feeling of lack of understanding comes from the fact that we say that "this is just life" or "this is normal after college." Sure, it is normal and this is life, but there is nothing wrong with being upset. There is nothing wrong with being in a slight depression over it.

It was yesterday that someone actually said to me that it was normal for college grads to fall into a slight depression after college. It is normal, it is okay to be slightly depressed. It is okay to not understand what is going on. It is okay to not know what lies ahead. It is even more okay to be upset, scared, or nervous and then be open about it. It is okay to let others know what we are feeling and what is going on.

Maybe it's our generation or maybe it's just coming out of a bubble that has crippled us from being able to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a weakness and it makes you a freak of some sort. My question is, where did we get this idea? We were created to be in community with one another. We were created to love with one another and that means walking through life together. It means for us to be open about what is going on and not just the happiness. What is the point of relationships if we can't share our fears with one another? It is time for us to stop being "okay" and instead start being real.

Eavesdropping

"The public education school system needs to respond and find out why these other options are so attractive."

The past couple of years have pushed me to really reevaluate the things that I have a passion for. As I have worked through different battles and frustrations I have discovered more and more what I have a heart for. I see a pattern in the things that I am drawn to and this gives me an insight into why I am drawn to those things. Education is a big passion of mine that has grown over the past few years. I have been in multiple conversations about the education system in America and I have seen how we have failed and how we have succeeded. I see how we as a nation are not stepping up in the way that we should and how we are failing the future of our nation. I see how people are all talk and no action. I understand that it takes time and that we will not be able to fix it. I get it. I understand that it takes time, but I also see how we have more often than not just let it be a useless cause.

The truth is that we can blame parents and students as much as we want, but the reality of the matter is that the education system itself needs to start taking more of the blame. People everywhere are pushing and shoving to get into private and charter schools. A very good point was brought up as I was listening to two educators talking in Panera a little bit ago on this topic. As parents and students are searching for the way out of the public school system, it is necessary for the public school system to try to understand the reasoning behind this. Why is it that people are fleeing from the public education system? What is it that these others schools have to offer? 

It is not necessarily that these other schools are better. It is not necessarily that their teachers are better. It is more so that we are in need. we are longing for our students to have a better life. We want them to have a good education and we want them to succeed. When we see failing education systems in America, we search for anything that might just be a little better for our students. It isn't even a matter of it being the best, but it is the matter of it being just a tad bit better than before. We are searching for improving school systems and schools that will bring our kids to succeed. 

With all of that being said, I do not want to see the public education system die out. I do not want to see  private and charter schools take over and leave the public school system in the dust. I think that there is value in the public school system and I think that it can be improved. I do see a future in it as long as people do respond. We must respond to the cry of hurting parents and students. We must respond as a nation to this problem. We must see what it is that is appealing to the parents and students in order to improve our education system. As new teachers come in and want to make a difference, we must stand behind them and encourage them to make a difference. We cannot be afraid of change or what they might be "doing to our education system," but we have to embrace that. 

Basically I am just trying to say that we need to rise up. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "If you never are an actor you can never be a factor." This is our future and this should be one of the most important things to us. We need to push ourselves to be the best that we can be and through us pushing ourselves, we must push those who are learning from us. 

Suck it World

As I approached this stage of life, I said that I would not be like my friends before me. I promised myself that I would not get into a slump about where I was in life. I promised myself that I would not feel sorry for myself or where I was. I promised myself that I would take life and live it to the fullest no matter the situation I was in. I promised that I would be in the moment and live in the moment. However, I have found myself approaching hard times and in those times it is harder for me to keep my promises to myself.  It is hard for to live my life happily and no regrets even though I chose this for myself. I am happy where I am at and I can continually say that to myself, but the truth is that at times it is killing me.

We leave college and go into the world expected to be great. We hold ourselves to a higher standard and push ourselves to be great. If we do not feel that we are great or doing anything, we do not see what we are actually doing. People can tell us that we are doing great things and that we are making a difference, but it doesn't mean anything unless we believe it ourselves. And then we fall into this thought of how lame we truly are and how we are going nowhere. We fall into this trap of how we aren't doing anything with our lives. And all we can do is not listen to the lies, but be motivated instead. We have to see what we are doing here and grow from it.

As I am in this time of trial and hardship, I must push myself harder. I must be motivated instead of torn down. Most of all, I must realize that I am doing something and that I am making a difference. I can't be too anxious about the next step, but need to be present where I am at.

Longing

I have to be at work in the matter of only a few hours, but I cannot fall asleep. I lay here and I think that I am going to fall asleep when I start to feel unsettled yet again. As I sit here and pray to God, he brings Psalm 63 to my heart. David praises God for how great he is. He explains how his soul thirsts for God. His flesh faints god God. He has this indescribable joy that is compared to a deep hunger for food. As I read through the psalm over and over again, the more I desire God as well. My soul thirsts for him and my flesh faints for him . It is proven throug my inability to sleep. When I can't sleep, I turn to God. When I am having a rough day, I turn to God. When I am uneasy, I turn to God. When things are just messed up, I turn to God. I have this natural draw to God even in the toughest times. This is a beautiful reminder. It reminds me that I am a part of God. I am created from him. I have this connection with him that is so strong. He loves me and cares for me. My soul longs for him because he created me in his own image. I am created in a way that is searching to know my creator. I desire it and I long for it, how beautiful is that?

Perspective

We all have what we believe. We all have things that we are going to stand by and never let go of. We have parts of our thoughts that are stubborn and that we will always keep even if there is a better explanation of something else. We all have those things that we will never ever let go of. There is nothing wrong with all of this until it becomes a point where we will not listen to others. We say that we are correct and no one else can ever be. We choose not to have an open mind about things because of what we have grown up with. We choose not to have an open mind because we know what truth is and no one else can say anything to change our mind. We all have our own thoughts that might be similar to others, but they do not think the same way that we do.

God created us all. He gave us all of our own minds. However, the biggest thing to remember is that we all were made in his own image. Being made in his own image means that we all reflect the character of God. By being so diverse in our thinking and how we perceive the world, we all can reflect God in a different way. This means that we should not be so quick to deem what is wrong in another person's thoughts. Because they might perceive things a way that we do not, we should use that as a tool instead of a weapon against them. Our perception allows us to have this tunnel vision that only sees one part of God and to see the "whole" or closest to the whole that we can, we need to use the perspectives of those around us. We need to use the truths that have been revealed in their lives and see who God is truly. We need to back down and put our guns down for a bit to really hear God's voice and to see who God really is. We are so busy fighting about what is right and wrong instead of learning from each other to see what God is actually saying to us.

This is something that we spoke about the other day at church and it was brought up again in Andrew's class the other night. The truth is that our church is so divided up based on our beliefs and what is biblical that we tend to miss the bigger picture. We are so tuned into our smaller pictures that we do not take those and put them together to be the body of Christ. This is not something that we can only use in churches, but also in our relationships. We need to quit being so defensive to one another, but really need to start learning from one another. Who cares if what someone else believes is not the same as our belief, learn from that.

Obviously, I am not saying that we should be completely and totally unbiblical. We need to listen to the voice of God and use discernment of the Spirit, but we need to be willing to understand that things are not as crystal clear. We are never going to have one specific interpretation of God's word that we all agree on. We can't because we cannot understand God's mind. That is why he has blessed us in so many different ways so that we might be able to understand better through working together as a body.

Stop being so gosh darn stubborn.

Face to the Ground

I came into the field of ministry knowing exactly what it is that I was doing. I knew how to plan Bible studies, retreats, and lead a service. I knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I knew all the practices of ministry that I needed to know. I have done this for a while now and I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew all the "practical" things and how to deal with situations according to what the books say. Unfortunately, ministry doesn't play by the "books." In fact, ministry, is unpredictable and you will aways be learning when you are doing ministry.

I knew that things would be straining. I knew that I would be thrown into unpredictable situations. I knew that my heart would hurt for those around me and that I would be thrown on the ground. I knew that I would be literally on the ground asking God to save me. I knew all of these things. However, even through all of that, I had a big head. I was not humbly going into ministry. I was going into it with the attitude of "this is where God wants me," but I was being a super human about it.

With all of this being said, this is what I am thinking...

We come out of college with all this experience and rockin' resumes and are ready to conquer the world. We are prepared to go out and literally take over. For some of us, it creates this feeling of uncertainty and we are afraid that we aren't good enough. For others, like me, it creates this feeling of being superman and being able to take on everything that comes our way. We fall into this trap of thinking that we are going at this alone and that we can handle it by ourselves. We try to go above and beyond without the support alongside of us and we do not seek out those who will challenge us in that. However, we need to fall on our faces, we need to burn out, and we need to realize that we need those beside us. We need to feel that we are completely alone and on our own in order to realize that we need a community around us. We need to realize that it is not a weakness to call on people, but instead it is a strength. It is not a weakness to admit our faults, but it is a sign of maturity. We need to be willing to be vulnerable and to be in a constant learning posture. Most of all, we have to be willing to fall on our faces, get back up, and learn from our fall.

This is a rough transition. We are prepared to go out and change the world, but it is so hard sometimes. We are hit left and right by life's hardships and we feel like we should be able to handle it. However, the feeling is only a feeling and we get knocked down time and time again. This phase of life can be a beautiful one, we just need to have faith, be willing to fall down, and ask for help. We cannot do this alone and with help, we will accomplish great things. So to all of us out there in this phase: here's to hardships and failures, but let us find light in those times.