July 19, 2010
“Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob,
who turned the rock into a pool,
the hard rock into springs of water.”
Psalm 114:7-8
I sat there tonight at worship and at first it was hard for me to be focused. I was so focused on what flaws I saw in the worship team that I could not quiet my soul to worship God at my best. I was so into what I thought was wrong that I could not let God speak to me. I was closing up because I was upset…because my God…he deserved better than what they were giving him. He deserved better than their straight up hipster worship. I caught myself in all of this when it hit me…he deserved better from me. He deserved my entire all…all of my being to be in this act of worship to him. Not just a part of me, but all of me.
As we stood there, praising, God showed me this passage, Psalm 114:7-8. TREMBLE O earth, at the PRESENCE OF THE LORD. TREMBLE. This is a beautiful thing. God is that awesome. He is that powerful, that we are supposed to TREMBLE in his presence. He is so big and so great that we have this fear, this beautiful fear that comes upon us when we worship him. That is so awesome. This got my heart prepared for what was talked about tonight at Fire Circle. We sat there and Jonathan spoke about how great God is. He spoke about how God is our director, but he is not the director who just stands at the side and tells us what to do, he comes into our drama. He is doing this whole thing with us. He is living and he is active in our lives. He is walking through this with us. That is awesome. He pointed out that God created us because he wants to use us. He created us because he cares about us. If he made us, then we made it. If he made us, then we are living for the purpose of God. He would have not made us if he did not want us. He wants us and he wants all of us. He wants us to develop this deep passion for him. He wants us to fall more and more in love with him each day. Because he made us and he wants us, we need to be humble and live our lives how God wants us to do.
July 20, 2010
“The fullness of your grace is here with me
The richness of your beauty is all I see
The brightness of you glory has arrived
In your presence God, I’m completely satisfied.
For you I sing, I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart, lift my hands to show you my love…
To show you my love.”
Divine Romance – Phil Wickham
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Welcome to my life...for the last forever
July 1, 2010
“Do not just listen to the Word, but do what it says.”
James 1:22
Today we talked about the Bible being our Script and how we are to follow it as our Script when we become Christians. Pretty simple stuff, right? It is pretty simple, but the thing is we don’t always do what it says. We think that us sitting in church once a week, chapel three times a week, and small groups once a week means that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. We don’t have to read our Bible on a regular basis. We don’t have to memorize scriptures. We don’t have to put effort into it, we hear it enough. But we are supposed to meditate on it and we are supposed to know what it says and to follow it. How can we follow it if we only hear it once or twice a week? How can we follow it if we are just hearing it and not practicing it? One thing that I have been extremely convicted of as far as following the Word lately is in the area of love. Here I am getting upset about things at camp. I am being fed up by people and I am getting so irritated so easily. I am quick to speak about how I am wronged about things, but not about what I am doing to others. I am quick to speak about how I am hurt, but not about when I hurt other people. And this is where I have been convicted in love. I get so upset and feel like everyone else is being so selfish, but in reality, how selfish am I myself being? I am upset because they want things their way…but I want things my way. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish. I think that my world has been rocked as I have been teaching about the Bible and following the Bible as our Script
Other than that, today has been a pretty awesome day. I can see God really working at camp as I watch the counselors interact with the kids. I see Him working as they pour the love into the kids where they do not usually get love. I see Him working through them as they challenge the kids and push them to get to know God better. God is fully present and active at this camp and I am getting more and more excited day after day as we are here. He is filling us up when we need it the most. He is pushing us through the days when we are at our ends. He is pressing us when we need to be pressed the most. It is so cool to see Him knowing exactly what we need when we need it. It is cool to see him capturing the hearts of our counselors and how they respond to his call. I am so amazed by how God is working in this place in the hearts of our kids and in the hearts of our counselors.
July 2, 2010
Today was the last day of camp for the 1st through 3rd graders. I have loved this week so much and I have loved seeing those kids get poured into over and over again. It was such a beautiful sight to see our counselors have the love of God overflowing in them. I loved watching the kids faces light up when they saw the counselors. I loved seeing God truly working and seeing him truly coming through in their lives. God is present and he is active.
As far as Bible goes, I think that this week went really well. I loved every second of it and loved to see the kids get into it. I loved to be up there and to bring out the truth to them. The first day of Bible, Megan, one of the city staff, came up to me and asked me to use my Bible. She then exclaimed…literally…to me that there were girls in her group who had never heard of God. They had never heard the creation story. They had never heard the truth of God. She got the privilege to tell the girls about God and about how big and great that he is. GOD IS WORKING. He is getting attention and we are doing a great job at listening to his commands.
After Bible today, we had a sweet carnival. I sat there and hung out with Daniel and Melanie for a while. Melanie is a city staff from Bakersfield and she is really incredible. She has such a passion for the kids here and she really shows it with how she acts towards them. I can see the love that she has for them in the way that she talks to them, hugs them, and even disciplines them. It is the love of Christ because it could be nothing else. I am so excited to see her again next week. She is coming back with another group, a tougher group, but we are ready for them. We want to share Christ with them and we want them to know who he is. It might be tougher and it might be a longer week, but we have God on our side. We have his strength and we are ready to use his strength. We have his love and we are ready to love with his love. We got this, not on our own, but we got this with someone much bigger.
As we were at the carnival, it was so much fun to just hang out and relax with the kids. We got a chance to get shot by the fire truck hose and to be out playing in the field. We got a chance to relax and kick it with them. We got a chance to just have fun and to hang out for the last time before they left. It is so much fun to see them out there. It has been so much fun to see them out there really having a good time. It has been great to see them be kids because the truth of the matter is that once they go back home, they probably are not going to get that chance. We have kids here who are going to have to go back home and be the men and the women of the house at the age of eight. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and have to protect themselves. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and won’t have their medicine because their drug addicted mother steals it from them. We have kids who do not have a home to go back to. We have kids who are going back home to two mothers. This is what they have to face when they go back. So to see them out there having a great time and enjoying themselves for this week is awesome. To see them be doing what normal kids should be doing at this age is incredible. Just to see them not be scared or worried, but to know that they are safe here is such a blessing and such a beautiful thing.
We ended the week with a few tears…okay, more than a few. It has only been a couple of days, but these kids mean the world to us. They mean so much to us and we love them so much. We love them and we do not want them to have to suffer. The tears were not only tears of sadness of them leaving, but the tears were pain and hurt for them. The tears were tears of knowing that their happiness would soon be leaving their faces as they arrived home. They were tears of knowing that there is so much pain and hurt in this world. They were tears of knowing that that bondage goes so deep in their lives. However, they are also tears of joy because we know who has already won. The enemy has nothing on our God. He has nothing on us because our God is strong and our God is living. He is nothing but a defeated little coward. He lurks in the shadows and can’t even put up a fair fight. Yeah, he has got nothing on this. God is so big and so powerful…what up now.
July 3, 2010
Happy fourth…err, I mean, third of July. Today is the third of July and our only day off before camp starts tomorrow. So instead of having a fourth of July party, we decided to have a third of July party at Jenni’s house. I came up last night and did some pre party planning by\ making cheesecake and such. Then we both just kind of hung out and chilled. It was good to sleep in a bed in a real house last night. Not to mention, it was good to get actual sleep last night. It was good to wake up at 8:45 in the morning and not like six in the morning. I loved being able to relax and not have to worry about a thousand things going on around me. It was great to be away from everyone and to be able to just relax.
Today was a great day as well. We hung out at Jenni’s house and had a beautiful grill out. Jyrone made some awesome barbeque sauce and grilled some great ribs to perfection. I loved being able to chill out with the whole staff at Jenni’s. Normally, we do not get the chance for all of us to be together…I mean, we were missing a couple of people, but for the most part, we were all there. We hung out in the pool, played cards, had conversations, and chilled out and watched movies.
Most of the day, I spent time with Adam and Gracie. I feel so blessed to have such an awesome boss as Adam. We call him dad and I have started to discover that he really fits the dad role in our lives as we are out here. He is someone who we can go to when we need to and he has great advice. He pours into our lives and spends time with us. He takes time out of his life just to get to know us and where we come from. It has been so great to get to know him and Gracie as well. Gracie has been a sweet person in our lives from day one. She is so easy to get along with and she has some great input most of the time as well. She also takes time to get to know what is going on in our lives and then talks to us about them. They both are so awesome in how much they care about the people who around them. They know when our lives are getting hectic and how sometimes we need to get away, so they call us up and tell us to come hang out in the hot tub. Tonight, after we left, we met them in Santa Clarita to have dinner with them. It was dad and the kids…we loved it.
To say the least, our third of July ended up being pretty sweet. It was relaxing and chill and we did not have to worry about anything. We got to spend time with each other and just enjoy each other’s company. It was a great day.
July 4, 2010
Today started out pretty terrible. It started out with a couple hours of stress and it was not my ideal way to start a new week of camp. We went to church with bitter hearts and frustration. All of this was because of a dumb misunderstanding. This wasn’t the best way to start off the day, but it is okay…we dealt with it. As the day went on, we chilled out a little bit more, but it still was a bad day starting off. It wasn’t just the stupid situation, but also I couldn’t get the dumb printer to work so that I could get our devotional books done for the week. It was okay though, I talked to “dad” and things calmed down a little bit. It just was annoying because the situation was between our staff and another staff and it only creates more disunity between us when our arguments happen. It is getting kind of old and is just immature. I just get so sick of it, and I know it needs to be dealt with, but it is just getting our staff motivated to deal with it. So, that is something that I need to really be working on in my heart and be praying about constantly. Yeah, that is a good thing for me to pray for. This is how the devil is bringing us down, he is ripping us apart where we are the weakest. We need to work on it. We need prayer. We need to defeat this demon because we are all going towards the same goal and when there is tension, we are being held back from the goal that we are trying to achieve. So yeah, that’s what we have been dealing with.
When I got back I had to finish up some stuff for Bible class during the first part of registration. After I got done with the whole Bible class thing, I headed to registration and ended up hanging out with Jackie for a while. And by a while, I mean an hour and a half. We sat there and talked through the situation from the morning and she told me her side. It was good to talk to her because we worked through stuff that we needed to work through. She is easy to talk to and she wants to work through things. She doesn’t let things go forever and she is logical about things. It was so good to talk to her about it all. After we talked through that, we talked about spiritual gifts for about six thousand hours. It was all brought up because she asked me if I knew James Heth…of course I do. So, then we started to talk about where we came from and when we first encountered the Holy Spirit. As I sat there talking to her, I was so enthralled by God the entire time. He was so present in the conversation and he revealed so much to the two of us about the two of us. As we sat there talking, we spoke so much truth into each other’s lives. We saw sides of each other that we have yet to see while we were here. As we talked, we got so excited to hear how present the Holy Spirit is in each of our lives. We talked about the gifts that we have and when we first saw those gifts put to use in our lives. It seriously was so awesome to see how God has worked in her life and how he has shown her so many cool things. I can’t wait to get to know her story more and to hear about more cool things that he has done in her life. It was so awesome to have this conversation with her and I cannot wait to have more. I was so full and so refreshed after our conversation. It was truly incredible.
As the day went on, it only got better. I felt more confident about what would happen throughout the week as far as Bible goes. I got more excited as the kids were here to get ready for Bible. I could tell that it would be a tougher crowd, but that is okay, I will be able to deal with it. It’s all about getting to know them and being present around them. I am excited to see how God uses me and how he will teach me. So, it will be great, I am sure of it. Let’s rock it out this week.
July 5, 2010
Here’s the thing…God is here. He is active. He is alive. He is moving and I can feel that he is moving. Lives and hearts are being changed and the enemy is upset about that. He is upset that God can be felt. He is upset that God is changing lives and that he is breaking chains. The last few weeks there has been a lot of spiritual warfare going on. We have seen it, we can feel it, and we know that the enemy is really upset. However, this is not something that we should get nervous about, but it is something that we need to rejoice in. The truth of the matter is that if the enemy is showing up it is because God is working here. He has a reason that he needs to show up and it is because he feels threatened. Our God has already won. Our God is victorious. He has overcome and he is the strongman. As long as we are in Him and He is in us, then we have nothing to worry about. Let this be my declaration, God is here and he is working. God is beside us and he is fighting with us. He is not letting us battle on our own, but he is taking on this battle with us. So what if there are a few bumps in the road? Who cares…God has this. He’s got our back and so there is nothing to worry about.
The coolest thing about this is watching people react to this whole thing. I can see them falling to their knees in prayer. I can see them stepping up in faith and not giving in. We know that God has our backs and we know that all we need to do is go to him. Last night there was a prayer meeting that went for two hours about this. That is awesome. It is awesome to see a group come together in the Lord’s name and declare that this is his house. Basically, what we are saying to the enemy is this…get out. We’ve got our ruler…we don’t need anyone else.
I can feel God working in me. I can feel him changing me and I am super excited about it. It is not the whole spiritual high thing, but it is a true change. It is a change that he has been working on for some time now and he is only refining it now that I am out here. He is transforming me into someone new. He is filling up my life with this new passion for Him. I long for Him and for His love. Everything that I do in my life is based around Him. He is my basis for everything. It is so good because I can’t help but to smile. I can’t help but to be happy. I can’t help but to be in love with him. I can’t help but to let him overflow out of me. I can’t help but to let him be seen through me.
July 6, 2010
Week two of camp…yep, still love my job. Seriously, today I felt so good and so accomplished after we had Bible class. When I went to lunch, I heard so many good things about it from so many different people. And for real, it is what I need. I need to be encouraged because I do not always think that it goes well. Today though, it did go so awesome. These kids are smart and they know what they are saying. Not only do they know what it says, like they don’t just know the right answers, but you can tell that they truly know the truth. I mean, today I was hanging up their signs of who God is and I could see pure truth. I could see so many things that were more than just true. And after seeing those, I was amazed by these kids. They do know so much and God is chasing after them and it is so so so beautiful. He wants these kids and he wants them bad. I can tell by the way that they listen in Bible class and the way that they listen at Fire Circle that they want Him back.
It is sweet to see our staff truly come together and be encouraging. They have been so awesome throughout today and tonight. Like I said before, they were so encouraging about Bible. I had so many people come up to me and tell me how well it went and how well we did. It was great to see how their encouragement can mean so much. Not only was it encouraging to hear from them verbally, but it was awesome when I got back to the lodge and found two notes from two different staff members. It is sweet to see us lifting each other up as a staff and being real with one another about how we are doing and how God is working in each of our lives. I love our staff and I am so blessed to be surrounded by them.
As we sat at Fire Circle tonight, Alex talked about the Script (aka…Bible) and I might say that he did a really good job. He did a really good job relating the Bible to God and then to our lives. He explained why we need to memorize the Bible and related it back to actors and actresses memorizing their lines. He explained that by memorizing parts of the Bible, we will be more knowledgeable in situations and we will better know how to respond. He explained that if we memorize it, we know our part better and we know our writer or Director (God) better. It was good to see the kids responding to it. They knew what he was talking about and they actually responded to it. It was sweet to see him get into it too because that is what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He is going to be a script writer and so he is already passionate about it. He just has such a creative mind and I don’t always know what to do about it. It’s sweet though.
There has been some major disunity between our teams and it even came up tonight at Fire Circle. I talked to Gina and Jess about it and they asked me why I felt awkward around their group. I told them that it was because I didn’t know them and I wasn’t apart of their group. After Fire Circle, I got knocked in the head in a way. As we were sitting in the Saturn, I spoke up. I told the leadership staff that I was with that we needed to fix this. We shouldn’t feel awkward to hang out with the other staff. We should feel comfortable around them and we should be able to talk to them. As it says in the Bible, “a house divided against itself is not strong.” Which is true. We do not come together, we are not united, and we are not strong. There is so much going on here that we need to stand firm against, but we are divided. So, what needs to happen is we need to come together. We need to stand as one body because we are one body. We are going toward the same goal. We need to accomplish this together. Tonight, leadership staff decided to step it up in this area. We decided that we are going to come together on Friday. We are going to come together as a staff and pray…as a full staff. We are going to pray for the LITs (the high school camp staff) and let them know that we are here for them as brothers and sisters in Christ. This is a battle that we need to take on together and we have finally decided to step up.
July 7, 2010
Bible was a bit more serious today. We shared a skit about the Gospel and it was a pretty serious discussion…obviously. The skit starts out with Satan putting all the sin in the “sin box” and then a member of my Bible team stumbles upon it. He likes what he sees and decides to put in his foot and then all of himself. He gets stuck in this sin and there is no way out. He tries to do it himself. He tries to get his friends to pull him out, but he can’t do it. A girl walks by to try to help him. She explains that Jesus loves him and that he died for him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He just waves her off and stays stuck in his on miserable mess. He stays stuck until the girl comes back and shows him that God loves him. He decides to give it a try and Jesus comes and takes his hand out of the mess.
This skit is definitely one that is interesting to me. Once we dip our foot in sin and temptation, we get taken over. It sucks us in and we get trapped. When we get far enough in, we think that we can get ourselves out. We think that other people can pull us out, but the truth of the matter is that we can’t get out of it without Jesus. We always seem to think that we can do this, but in reality…we need someone who is so much more than what we are. You would think that after years and years of hearing the same message, that I would understand this, but in reality…I fall into the same trap. I fall into the trap that when I get sucked in that I can get myself out. I can’t. It’s not me. There is no way that I can pull myself out of it, I am just trapped. Even with the little things…that’s what I have noticed lately. It’s not the big things that I am getting trapped in, but the small things that I am getting trapped in. It’s the small lies, the gossip, the small things that start off and then I get stuck and my heart is being blocked. It’s these things that happen and they pull me away from Christ. It’s the small things that I need help with the most.
My meeting with Daniel was extremely encouraging today as well. He had to go through and tell me what I was doing well and what I needed to work on. The great thing about it was there were a couple things that I already saw that I needed to improve and so we talked through those things. It was cool to see where our minds came together on things and how we both thought about the same things. It was good to talk through what needed to be talked through and to see what was going on in his mind. He told me that I was doing a great job and the things that I needed to work on had nothing to do with how Bible itself is going, so that was great to hear. It was good to hear that Bible is going well and that he thinks that it is actually going well. I am excited about that and it makes me so much more confident in what I am doing. It is good to work under him because he truly does have a heart for God and I can see that in the way that we interact and by the way that we talk about things and even how he talks and interacts with people in general. I have learned so much from him just by observing him and listening to him. He has such a passion for kids and for people in general. He has such a heart for the broken. He has a heart for God. It is awesome to see.
Other than that, the day has just been good. We met with the LIT staff to talk to them about doing prayer with them on Friday. Scott and I talked about how good it would be for us to pray as a staff first and then we will pray over the LITs. I think that it is good that we are doing this. I think that it is good for us to be following a call from God to go and to pray over them. I think that it is good to come together as a team, as one to pray for them. I am excited for these kids because I can see so much of God in them already and I know that he only wants to do so much more with them. I can see Him bringing them up in Him. I am pumped for them and to see where He takes them. He’s got them in for a great trip.
July 8, 2010
Today was a pretty good day. I feel like Bible has been getting better and better as we have gone through things more and more…obviously. Working with our Bible team especially has been so good. They are so great and I am glad to have them on my team. There are disagreements at times, but overall, it is going pretty well. The skit today was good, but definitely needs some more work and I definitely need to go through some things again. Today, we talked about the “actor” (aka…us). We talked about how we act differently around different people because that is who “we are” around them.
To demonstrate this, we used the Good Samaritan as an example, but in a modern day type of way. Bill, a lawyer, starts off the skit by throwing his “iced coffee” in the face of a worker at the local burger joint where he gets his coffee in the mornings. Later on, he gets mugged by some people who steal his money and everything that he has. This leads to him being on the side of the road crying out for help. The first person comes by who leaves him lying there is the typical Christian on their way to all their church meetings…he cannot stop to help…but he’ll pray for him at his prayer meeting that he is off to. Then you have the other lawyer…the acquaintance of Bill…but he just doesn’t have the time. And finally here she comes to save the day…the girl who he treated like trash…the worker at the burger joint. She stops and has pity on him. She is filled with compassion. These other two people seemed like they would help Bill from the outside, but on the inside…no way. She was the only one who’s words lined up with her actions.
This has been hitting me a lot lately, this aligning of words and actions. As I have been dealing with some frustrations, I have realized that what I am preaching hasn’t exactly been what I am practicing. As I tell other people to relax and chill out, I myself am not doing it. I let things get to me too much. I let what other people say anger me and then I take it out on them. I allow those things to really get at me and to bug me. And instead of dealing with it in the proper way, I let it blow up and become something so ugly.
The verse today kind of hits the nail right on the head, “Although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened” Romans 1:21. And this is what has been happening to me lately in this area. I know who God is and I know Him very well, but I am not letting that live out in me. I am not giving him the honor that he deserves by my life. I am speaking one way and going another and that is not how it should be. As I am sitting up here testifying his truth, I am doing the opposite. And this has caused hardened hearts against people as I have let lies about them fester in me. This is definitely something that God has been showing me for the past couple of weeks.
July 9, 2010
I did not sleep well at all last night. The whole night I felt this pressure on me. I kept waking up feeling something over me that was not God. It was not a good feeling and it was not something that I enjoyed. And because of it, my sleep was not good. I woke up in the morning extremely stressed and not ready to start off the day. As I was leaving breakfast, it only seemed to get worse. Megan stopped me on my way out and asked me to change something with Bible. It was not a big deal to change, but it was kind of the top off of the day. She asked me to change some things about the skit and I was fine with that. I would have been better with it if she would have asked earlier in the week, but that is okay. So, I get up to Bible and nothing seems to be going well with me. I am tired, I did not sleep well and I was on the verge of a breakdown. I sat there and I honestly did not even want to get up to the front. However, I knew that I had to force a smile and head up there. I got up and introduced the LITs to do a song and as I sat in the back I felt a huge burden on me. I could not figure out what it was. I could not deal with it. It was so heavy and so deep. I did not know why it was like this. As I got up there to do the skit, I could barely hold the tears back. Everything was so off today and I could feel it. I looked at Alissa sitting down on the ground and could tell that she could tell that I was not with it. Let’s just say that Bible today felt like a total failure. I know that it was not and I know that I am imperfect, but that is what it felt like. After everyone left, that’s when I broke down…right before I had to go hang out with all of them again. Such a perfect way to start out my day.
The carnival did not make things much better. I was still dealing with whatever it was that was on my chest. I still had this huge and heavy burden, but I could not show it because there were so many kids around. I ended up leaving to go play the piano and be alone for a while, but even that did not help very much. This day did not seem to be looking up much. In fact, I felt like it all should have just ended there. I did not want to go through the rest of the day. I did not want to deal with people asking me what was wrong. I did not want to deal with anything.
However, the day did go on and I started to work through it as the day went on. We went into our debrief meeting and to be quite honest I wanted nothing more than to not go to that meeting. I did not want to sit in the meeting as I felt like trash and as I felt that I did a terrible job only to hear those among us get praised for how great they did. I did not want to hear about how great everyone else was compared to the crappy job that I did that morning. And at the end of the meeting, God kicked me in the face. He showed me through my peers that I did do a great job. They lifted me up and encouraged me in so many great ways. I could not have been more blessed by them than I was. I mean, I still felt like trash, but their encouragement was acknowledged. They are great and I am so grateful for who they are.
Following the meeting, we had a prayer meeting with the LIT staff. There has been much disagreement between our staff and their staff lately and we decided that enough is enough. There is no room for arguments and disagreements among the two groups anymore. There comes a time when there must be unity among the both of us. We are all going for the same goal and because of that, we need to be encouraging to one another and need to lift each other up. So, it is starting to get there and we are starting to work on it. It’s not going to be easy and I know that trials will come, but we are starting to work on it. So that is what matters. It matters that we actually see that something needs to be done and that we are trying to do something.
Once they left a few of the high school camp volunteers came in and we prayed over them and with them. The LITs (Leaders in Training) are some really sweet kids. I have really enjoyed working with them this summer. They truly are a blessing in so many ways and they are so cool. I love getting to know them and seeing where they come from. I know that God is rising them up to be awesome leaders and that they will go so far in life if they keep this up. They are just so sweet and they have so much awesome potential. I am really excited to see how much more he works in them in this coming up week. They leave for a missions trip on Friday and I know that he is going to do awesome things through them there. I can feel it and I am totally pumped about it.
Even after all the good that happened today, I still felt like today was such a bad day. I still had so much burdening on my heart, but I did get through it. We headed to town tonight to get some food for Amy’s birthday. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the greatest night food choice wise, but it was good. We did have some good conversation and we actually went with a different group for once, so that was good. However, next time, I want to choose where we go to eat because I get sick of the same thing every time.
July 10, 2010
Today was an…interesting day. Everyone headed out to the beach and I did not want to go. I mean, yeah it would have been fun, but in reality I just needed a break from people. We have been with each other for a while now and it was time for me to just take a break. So today was a work day for me. I sat in Daniel and Adam’s office and worked on some stuff for camp next week. Even though I was working, it was still so good. It was a time for me to be alone and to relax. As I have had so much time to be on the go the past few weeks, it was good to relax and just chill out. So, I sat in there listening to music and folding devo booklets. It was awesome actually.
I still have had this huge burden on my heart. Part of me thinks that it is coming from dealing with other people’s problems. I mean, God has given me this passion for people, but sometimes I cannot deal with it. Lately, I have been so exhausted and ready to just relax that when I hear about other’s problems, I just want to shut down. I mean, it is not that I don’t like helping people out and being there for them, it’s just that I can’t. I need a break sometimes, I need to take care of myself. I need rest and relaxation. I need to just chill out. However, here comes the question, when is it selfishness and when is it healthy? That is a very thin line right now that I just cannot determine. However, I need to determine it.
“Do not just listen to the Word, but do what it says.”
James 1:22
Today we talked about the Bible being our Script and how we are to follow it as our Script when we become Christians. Pretty simple stuff, right? It is pretty simple, but the thing is we don’t always do what it says. We think that us sitting in church once a week, chapel three times a week, and small groups once a week means that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. We don’t have to read our Bible on a regular basis. We don’t have to memorize scriptures. We don’t have to put effort into it, we hear it enough. But we are supposed to meditate on it and we are supposed to know what it says and to follow it. How can we follow it if we only hear it once or twice a week? How can we follow it if we are just hearing it and not practicing it? One thing that I have been extremely convicted of as far as following the Word lately is in the area of love. Here I am getting upset about things at camp. I am being fed up by people and I am getting so irritated so easily. I am quick to speak about how I am wronged about things, but not about what I am doing to others. I am quick to speak about how I am hurt, but not about when I hurt other people. And this is where I have been convicted in love. I get so upset and feel like everyone else is being so selfish, but in reality, how selfish am I myself being? I am upset because they want things their way…but I want things my way. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish. I think that my world has been rocked as I have been teaching about the Bible and following the Bible as our Script
Other than that, today has been a pretty awesome day. I can see God really working at camp as I watch the counselors interact with the kids. I see Him working as they pour the love into the kids where they do not usually get love. I see Him working through them as they challenge the kids and push them to get to know God better. God is fully present and active at this camp and I am getting more and more excited day after day as we are here. He is filling us up when we need it the most. He is pushing us through the days when we are at our ends. He is pressing us when we need to be pressed the most. It is so cool to see Him knowing exactly what we need when we need it. It is cool to see him capturing the hearts of our counselors and how they respond to his call. I am so amazed by how God is working in this place in the hearts of our kids and in the hearts of our counselors.
July 2, 2010
Today was the last day of camp for the 1st through 3rd graders. I have loved this week so much and I have loved seeing those kids get poured into over and over again. It was such a beautiful sight to see our counselors have the love of God overflowing in them. I loved watching the kids faces light up when they saw the counselors. I loved seeing God truly working and seeing him truly coming through in their lives. God is present and he is active.
As far as Bible goes, I think that this week went really well. I loved every second of it and loved to see the kids get into it. I loved to be up there and to bring out the truth to them. The first day of Bible, Megan, one of the city staff, came up to me and asked me to use my Bible. She then exclaimed…literally…to me that there were girls in her group who had never heard of God. They had never heard the creation story. They had never heard the truth of God. She got the privilege to tell the girls about God and about how big and great that he is. GOD IS WORKING. He is getting attention and we are doing a great job at listening to his commands.
After Bible today, we had a sweet carnival. I sat there and hung out with Daniel and Melanie for a while. Melanie is a city staff from Bakersfield and she is really incredible. She has such a passion for the kids here and she really shows it with how she acts towards them. I can see the love that she has for them in the way that she talks to them, hugs them, and even disciplines them. It is the love of Christ because it could be nothing else. I am so excited to see her again next week. She is coming back with another group, a tougher group, but we are ready for them. We want to share Christ with them and we want them to know who he is. It might be tougher and it might be a longer week, but we have God on our side. We have his strength and we are ready to use his strength. We have his love and we are ready to love with his love. We got this, not on our own, but we got this with someone much bigger.
As we were at the carnival, it was so much fun to just hang out and relax with the kids. We got a chance to get shot by the fire truck hose and to be out playing in the field. We got a chance to relax and kick it with them. We got a chance to just have fun and to hang out for the last time before they left. It is so much fun to see them out there. It has been so much fun to see them out there really having a good time. It has been great to see them be kids because the truth of the matter is that once they go back home, they probably are not going to get that chance. We have kids here who are going to have to go back home and be the men and the women of the house at the age of eight. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and have to protect themselves. We have kids who are going to have to go back home and won’t have their medicine because their drug addicted mother steals it from them. We have kids who do not have a home to go back to. We have kids who are going back home to two mothers. This is what they have to face when they go back. So to see them out there having a great time and enjoying themselves for this week is awesome. To see them be doing what normal kids should be doing at this age is incredible. Just to see them not be scared or worried, but to know that they are safe here is such a blessing and such a beautiful thing.
We ended the week with a few tears…okay, more than a few. It has only been a couple of days, but these kids mean the world to us. They mean so much to us and we love them so much. We love them and we do not want them to have to suffer. The tears were not only tears of sadness of them leaving, but the tears were pain and hurt for them. The tears were tears of knowing that their happiness would soon be leaving their faces as they arrived home. They were tears of knowing that there is so much pain and hurt in this world. They were tears of knowing that that bondage goes so deep in their lives. However, they are also tears of joy because we know who has already won. The enemy has nothing on our God. He has nothing on us because our God is strong and our God is living. He is nothing but a defeated little coward. He lurks in the shadows and can’t even put up a fair fight. Yeah, he has got nothing on this. God is so big and so powerful…what up now.
July 3, 2010
Happy fourth…err, I mean, third of July. Today is the third of July and our only day off before camp starts tomorrow. So instead of having a fourth of July party, we decided to have a third of July party at Jenni’s house. I came up last night and did some pre party planning by\ making cheesecake and such. Then we both just kind of hung out and chilled. It was good to sleep in a bed in a real house last night. Not to mention, it was good to get actual sleep last night. It was good to wake up at 8:45 in the morning and not like six in the morning. I loved being able to relax and not have to worry about a thousand things going on around me. It was great to be away from everyone and to be able to just relax.
Today was a great day as well. We hung out at Jenni’s house and had a beautiful grill out. Jyrone made some awesome barbeque sauce and grilled some great ribs to perfection. I loved being able to chill out with the whole staff at Jenni’s. Normally, we do not get the chance for all of us to be together…I mean, we were missing a couple of people, but for the most part, we were all there. We hung out in the pool, played cards, had conversations, and chilled out and watched movies.
Most of the day, I spent time with Adam and Gracie. I feel so blessed to have such an awesome boss as Adam. We call him dad and I have started to discover that he really fits the dad role in our lives as we are out here. He is someone who we can go to when we need to and he has great advice. He pours into our lives and spends time with us. He takes time out of his life just to get to know us and where we come from. It has been so great to get to know him and Gracie as well. Gracie has been a sweet person in our lives from day one. She is so easy to get along with and she has some great input most of the time as well. She also takes time to get to know what is going on in our lives and then talks to us about them. They both are so awesome in how much they care about the people who around them. They know when our lives are getting hectic and how sometimes we need to get away, so they call us up and tell us to come hang out in the hot tub. Tonight, after we left, we met them in Santa Clarita to have dinner with them. It was dad and the kids…we loved it.
To say the least, our third of July ended up being pretty sweet. It was relaxing and chill and we did not have to worry about anything. We got to spend time with each other and just enjoy each other’s company. It was a great day.
July 4, 2010
Today started out pretty terrible. It started out with a couple hours of stress and it was not my ideal way to start a new week of camp. We went to church with bitter hearts and frustration. All of this was because of a dumb misunderstanding. This wasn’t the best way to start off the day, but it is okay…we dealt with it. As the day went on, we chilled out a little bit more, but it still was a bad day starting off. It wasn’t just the stupid situation, but also I couldn’t get the dumb printer to work so that I could get our devotional books done for the week. It was okay though, I talked to “dad” and things calmed down a little bit. It just was annoying because the situation was between our staff and another staff and it only creates more disunity between us when our arguments happen. It is getting kind of old and is just immature. I just get so sick of it, and I know it needs to be dealt with, but it is just getting our staff motivated to deal with it. So, that is something that I need to really be working on in my heart and be praying about constantly. Yeah, that is a good thing for me to pray for. This is how the devil is bringing us down, he is ripping us apart where we are the weakest. We need to work on it. We need prayer. We need to defeat this demon because we are all going towards the same goal and when there is tension, we are being held back from the goal that we are trying to achieve. So yeah, that’s what we have been dealing with.
When I got back I had to finish up some stuff for Bible class during the first part of registration. After I got done with the whole Bible class thing, I headed to registration and ended up hanging out with Jackie for a while. And by a while, I mean an hour and a half. We sat there and talked through the situation from the morning and she told me her side. It was good to talk to her because we worked through stuff that we needed to work through. She is easy to talk to and she wants to work through things. She doesn’t let things go forever and she is logical about things. It was so good to talk to her about it all. After we talked through that, we talked about spiritual gifts for about six thousand hours. It was all brought up because she asked me if I knew James Heth…of course I do. So, then we started to talk about where we came from and when we first encountered the Holy Spirit. As I sat there talking to her, I was so enthralled by God the entire time. He was so present in the conversation and he revealed so much to the two of us about the two of us. As we sat there talking, we spoke so much truth into each other’s lives. We saw sides of each other that we have yet to see while we were here. As we talked, we got so excited to hear how present the Holy Spirit is in each of our lives. We talked about the gifts that we have and when we first saw those gifts put to use in our lives. It seriously was so awesome to see how God has worked in her life and how he has shown her so many cool things. I can’t wait to get to know her story more and to hear about more cool things that he has done in her life. It was so awesome to have this conversation with her and I cannot wait to have more. I was so full and so refreshed after our conversation. It was truly incredible.
As the day went on, it only got better. I felt more confident about what would happen throughout the week as far as Bible goes. I got more excited as the kids were here to get ready for Bible. I could tell that it would be a tougher crowd, but that is okay, I will be able to deal with it. It’s all about getting to know them and being present around them. I am excited to see how God uses me and how he will teach me. So, it will be great, I am sure of it. Let’s rock it out this week.
July 5, 2010
Here’s the thing…God is here. He is active. He is alive. He is moving and I can feel that he is moving. Lives and hearts are being changed and the enemy is upset about that. He is upset that God can be felt. He is upset that God is changing lives and that he is breaking chains. The last few weeks there has been a lot of spiritual warfare going on. We have seen it, we can feel it, and we know that the enemy is really upset. However, this is not something that we should get nervous about, but it is something that we need to rejoice in. The truth of the matter is that if the enemy is showing up it is because God is working here. He has a reason that he needs to show up and it is because he feels threatened. Our God has already won. Our God is victorious. He has overcome and he is the strongman. As long as we are in Him and He is in us, then we have nothing to worry about. Let this be my declaration, God is here and he is working. God is beside us and he is fighting with us. He is not letting us battle on our own, but he is taking on this battle with us. So what if there are a few bumps in the road? Who cares…God has this. He’s got our back and so there is nothing to worry about.
The coolest thing about this is watching people react to this whole thing. I can see them falling to their knees in prayer. I can see them stepping up in faith and not giving in. We know that God has our backs and we know that all we need to do is go to him. Last night there was a prayer meeting that went for two hours about this. That is awesome. It is awesome to see a group come together in the Lord’s name and declare that this is his house. Basically, what we are saying to the enemy is this…get out. We’ve got our ruler…we don’t need anyone else.
I can feel God working in me. I can feel him changing me and I am super excited about it. It is not the whole spiritual high thing, but it is a true change. It is a change that he has been working on for some time now and he is only refining it now that I am out here. He is transforming me into someone new. He is filling up my life with this new passion for Him. I long for Him and for His love. Everything that I do in my life is based around Him. He is my basis for everything. It is so good because I can’t help but to smile. I can’t help but to be happy. I can’t help but to be in love with him. I can’t help but to let him overflow out of me. I can’t help but to let him be seen through me.
July 6, 2010
Week two of camp…yep, still love my job. Seriously, today I felt so good and so accomplished after we had Bible class. When I went to lunch, I heard so many good things about it from so many different people. And for real, it is what I need. I need to be encouraged because I do not always think that it goes well. Today though, it did go so awesome. These kids are smart and they know what they are saying. Not only do they know what it says, like they don’t just know the right answers, but you can tell that they truly know the truth. I mean, today I was hanging up their signs of who God is and I could see pure truth. I could see so many things that were more than just true. And after seeing those, I was amazed by these kids. They do know so much and God is chasing after them and it is so so so beautiful. He wants these kids and he wants them bad. I can tell by the way that they listen in Bible class and the way that they listen at Fire Circle that they want Him back.
It is sweet to see our staff truly come together and be encouraging. They have been so awesome throughout today and tonight. Like I said before, they were so encouraging about Bible. I had so many people come up to me and tell me how well it went and how well we did. It was great to see how their encouragement can mean so much. Not only was it encouraging to hear from them verbally, but it was awesome when I got back to the lodge and found two notes from two different staff members. It is sweet to see us lifting each other up as a staff and being real with one another about how we are doing and how God is working in each of our lives. I love our staff and I am so blessed to be surrounded by them.
As we sat at Fire Circle tonight, Alex talked about the Script (aka…Bible) and I might say that he did a really good job. He did a really good job relating the Bible to God and then to our lives. He explained why we need to memorize the Bible and related it back to actors and actresses memorizing their lines. He explained that by memorizing parts of the Bible, we will be more knowledgeable in situations and we will better know how to respond. He explained that if we memorize it, we know our part better and we know our writer or Director (God) better. It was good to see the kids responding to it. They knew what he was talking about and they actually responded to it. It was sweet to see him get into it too because that is what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He is going to be a script writer and so he is already passionate about it. He just has such a creative mind and I don’t always know what to do about it. It’s sweet though.
There has been some major disunity between our teams and it even came up tonight at Fire Circle. I talked to Gina and Jess about it and they asked me why I felt awkward around their group. I told them that it was because I didn’t know them and I wasn’t apart of their group. After Fire Circle, I got knocked in the head in a way. As we were sitting in the Saturn, I spoke up. I told the leadership staff that I was with that we needed to fix this. We shouldn’t feel awkward to hang out with the other staff. We should feel comfortable around them and we should be able to talk to them. As it says in the Bible, “a house divided against itself is not strong.” Which is true. We do not come together, we are not united, and we are not strong. There is so much going on here that we need to stand firm against, but we are divided. So, what needs to happen is we need to come together. We need to stand as one body because we are one body. We are going toward the same goal. We need to accomplish this together. Tonight, leadership staff decided to step it up in this area. We decided that we are going to come together on Friday. We are going to come together as a staff and pray…as a full staff. We are going to pray for the LITs (the high school camp staff) and let them know that we are here for them as brothers and sisters in Christ. This is a battle that we need to take on together and we have finally decided to step up.
July 7, 2010
Bible was a bit more serious today. We shared a skit about the Gospel and it was a pretty serious discussion…obviously. The skit starts out with Satan putting all the sin in the “sin box” and then a member of my Bible team stumbles upon it. He likes what he sees and decides to put in his foot and then all of himself. He gets stuck in this sin and there is no way out. He tries to do it himself. He tries to get his friends to pull him out, but he can’t do it. A girl walks by to try to help him. She explains that Jesus loves him and that he died for him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with that. He just waves her off and stays stuck in his on miserable mess. He stays stuck until the girl comes back and shows him that God loves him. He decides to give it a try and Jesus comes and takes his hand out of the mess.
This skit is definitely one that is interesting to me. Once we dip our foot in sin and temptation, we get taken over. It sucks us in and we get trapped. When we get far enough in, we think that we can get ourselves out. We think that other people can pull us out, but the truth of the matter is that we can’t get out of it without Jesus. We always seem to think that we can do this, but in reality…we need someone who is so much more than what we are. You would think that after years and years of hearing the same message, that I would understand this, but in reality…I fall into the same trap. I fall into the trap that when I get sucked in that I can get myself out. I can’t. It’s not me. There is no way that I can pull myself out of it, I am just trapped. Even with the little things…that’s what I have noticed lately. It’s not the big things that I am getting trapped in, but the small things that I am getting trapped in. It’s the small lies, the gossip, the small things that start off and then I get stuck and my heart is being blocked. It’s these things that happen and they pull me away from Christ. It’s the small things that I need help with the most.
My meeting with Daniel was extremely encouraging today as well. He had to go through and tell me what I was doing well and what I needed to work on. The great thing about it was there were a couple things that I already saw that I needed to improve and so we talked through those things. It was cool to see where our minds came together on things and how we both thought about the same things. It was good to talk through what needed to be talked through and to see what was going on in his mind. He told me that I was doing a great job and the things that I needed to work on had nothing to do with how Bible itself is going, so that was great to hear. It was good to hear that Bible is going well and that he thinks that it is actually going well. I am excited about that and it makes me so much more confident in what I am doing. It is good to work under him because he truly does have a heart for God and I can see that in the way that we interact and by the way that we talk about things and even how he talks and interacts with people in general. I have learned so much from him just by observing him and listening to him. He has such a passion for kids and for people in general. He has such a heart for the broken. He has a heart for God. It is awesome to see.
Other than that, the day has just been good. We met with the LIT staff to talk to them about doing prayer with them on Friday. Scott and I talked about how good it would be for us to pray as a staff first and then we will pray over the LITs. I think that it is good that we are doing this. I think that it is good for us to be following a call from God to go and to pray over them. I think that it is good to come together as a team, as one to pray for them. I am excited for these kids because I can see so much of God in them already and I know that he only wants to do so much more with them. I can see Him bringing them up in Him. I am pumped for them and to see where He takes them. He’s got them in for a great trip.
July 8, 2010
Today was a pretty good day. I feel like Bible has been getting better and better as we have gone through things more and more…obviously. Working with our Bible team especially has been so good. They are so great and I am glad to have them on my team. There are disagreements at times, but overall, it is going pretty well. The skit today was good, but definitely needs some more work and I definitely need to go through some things again. Today, we talked about the “actor” (aka…us). We talked about how we act differently around different people because that is who “we are” around them.
To demonstrate this, we used the Good Samaritan as an example, but in a modern day type of way. Bill, a lawyer, starts off the skit by throwing his “iced coffee” in the face of a worker at the local burger joint where he gets his coffee in the mornings. Later on, he gets mugged by some people who steal his money and everything that he has. This leads to him being on the side of the road crying out for help. The first person comes by who leaves him lying there is the typical Christian on their way to all their church meetings…he cannot stop to help…but he’ll pray for him at his prayer meeting that he is off to. Then you have the other lawyer…the acquaintance of Bill…but he just doesn’t have the time. And finally here she comes to save the day…the girl who he treated like trash…the worker at the burger joint. She stops and has pity on him. She is filled with compassion. These other two people seemed like they would help Bill from the outside, but on the inside…no way. She was the only one who’s words lined up with her actions.
This has been hitting me a lot lately, this aligning of words and actions. As I have been dealing with some frustrations, I have realized that what I am preaching hasn’t exactly been what I am practicing. As I tell other people to relax and chill out, I myself am not doing it. I let things get to me too much. I let what other people say anger me and then I take it out on them. I allow those things to really get at me and to bug me. And instead of dealing with it in the proper way, I let it blow up and become something so ugly.
The verse today kind of hits the nail right on the head, “Although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened” Romans 1:21. And this is what has been happening to me lately in this area. I know who God is and I know Him very well, but I am not letting that live out in me. I am not giving him the honor that he deserves by my life. I am speaking one way and going another and that is not how it should be. As I am sitting up here testifying his truth, I am doing the opposite. And this has caused hardened hearts against people as I have let lies about them fester in me. This is definitely something that God has been showing me for the past couple of weeks.
July 9, 2010
I did not sleep well at all last night. The whole night I felt this pressure on me. I kept waking up feeling something over me that was not God. It was not a good feeling and it was not something that I enjoyed. And because of it, my sleep was not good. I woke up in the morning extremely stressed and not ready to start off the day. As I was leaving breakfast, it only seemed to get worse. Megan stopped me on my way out and asked me to change something with Bible. It was not a big deal to change, but it was kind of the top off of the day. She asked me to change some things about the skit and I was fine with that. I would have been better with it if she would have asked earlier in the week, but that is okay. So, I get up to Bible and nothing seems to be going well with me. I am tired, I did not sleep well and I was on the verge of a breakdown. I sat there and I honestly did not even want to get up to the front. However, I knew that I had to force a smile and head up there. I got up and introduced the LITs to do a song and as I sat in the back I felt a huge burden on me. I could not figure out what it was. I could not deal with it. It was so heavy and so deep. I did not know why it was like this. As I got up there to do the skit, I could barely hold the tears back. Everything was so off today and I could feel it. I looked at Alissa sitting down on the ground and could tell that she could tell that I was not with it. Let’s just say that Bible today felt like a total failure. I know that it was not and I know that I am imperfect, but that is what it felt like. After everyone left, that’s when I broke down…right before I had to go hang out with all of them again. Such a perfect way to start out my day.
The carnival did not make things much better. I was still dealing with whatever it was that was on my chest. I still had this huge and heavy burden, but I could not show it because there were so many kids around. I ended up leaving to go play the piano and be alone for a while, but even that did not help very much. This day did not seem to be looking up much. In fact, I felt like it all should have just ended there. I did not want to go through the rest of the day. I did not want to deal with people asking me what was wrong. I did not want to deal with anything.
However, the day did go on and I started to work through it as the day went on. We went into our debrief meeting and to be quite honest I wanted nothing more than to not go to that meeting. I did not want to sit in the meeting as I felt like trash and as I felt that I did a terrible job only to hear those among us get praised for how great they did. I did not want to hear about how great everyone else was compared to the crappy job that I did that morning. And at the end of the meeting, God kicked me in the face. He showed me through my peers that I did do a great job. They lifted me up and encouraged me in so many great ways. I could not have been more blessed by them than I was. I mean, I still felt like trash, but their encouragement was acknowledged. They are great and I am so grateful for who they are.
Following the meeting, we had a prayer meeting with the LIT staff. There has been much disagreement between our staff and their staff lately and we decided that enough is enough. There is no room for arguments and disagreements among the two groups anymore. There comes a time when there must be unity among the both of us. We are all going for the same goal and because of that, we need to be encouraging to one another and need to lift each other up. So, it is starting to get there and we are starting to work on it. It’s not going to be easy and I know that trials will come, but we are starting to work on it. So that is what matters. It matters that we actually see that something needs to be done and that we are trying to do something.
Once they left a few of the high school camp volunteers came in and we prayed over them and with them. The LITs (Leaders in Training) are some really sweet kids. I have really enjoyed working with them this summer. They truly are a blessing in so many ways and they are so cool. I love getting to know them and seeing where they come from. I know that God is rising them up to be awesome leaders and that they will go so far in life if they keep this up. They are just so sweet and they have so much awesome potential. I am really excited to see how much more he works in them in this coming up week. They leave for a missions trip on Friday and I know that he is going to do awesome things through them there. I can feel it and I am totally pumped about it.
Even after all the good that happened today, I still felt like today was such a bad day. I still had so much burdening on my heart, but I did get through it. We headed to town tonight to get some food for Amy’s birthday. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t the greatest night food choice wise, but it was good. We did have some good conversation and we actually went with a different group for once, so that was good. However, next time, I want to choose where we go to eat because I get sick of the same thing every time.
July 10, 2010
Today was an…interesting day. Everyone headed out to the beach and I did not want to go. I mean, yeah it would have been fun, but in reality I just needed a break from people. We have been with each other for a while now and it was time for me to just take a break. So today was a work day for me. I sat in Daniel and Adam’s office and worked on some stuff for camp next week. Even though I was working, it was still so good. It was a time for me to be alone and to relax. As I have had so much time to be on the go the past few weeks, it was good to relax and just chill out. So, I sat in there listening to music and folding devo booklets. It was awesome actually.
I still have had this huge burden on my heart. Part of me thinks that it is coming from dealing with other people’s problems. I mean, God has given me this passion for people, but sometimes I cannot deal with it. Lately, I have been so exhausted and ready to just relax that when I hear about other’s problems, I just want to shut down. I mean, it is not that I don’t like helping people out and being there for them, it’s just that I can’t. I need a break sometimes, I need to take care of myself. I need rest and relaxation. I need to just chill out. However, here comes the question, when is it selfishness and when is it healthy? That is a very thin line right now that I just cannot determine. However, I need to determine it.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Day Two What's up What's Up
“Hey unloving, I will love you.”
And this is what I had to say today to our kids:
“So let me get this straight…God did all of this…on his own? Nobody helped him? No!? That’s crazy talk. He has to be pretty powerful to do that, huh? Can any of you do that...I don’t think so. Last night, at fire circle, we talked about a director being the one who calls the shots for a movie or for a play. He is the guy who tells people when to come in and he is the one who yells, “ACTION.” If there weren’t someone to tell people when to come in and when to say their line, do you think that things would work out like they should? No, because they have no direction. They do not know where to go. God is our director. He created all things and everything in this earth. He knew exactly how to make things. He made everything at just the right point and in a specific way for a reason. He knows what is best for all of us and which way to put us into direction. God knows all about each and everyone of you. Did you know that he even knows how many hairs are on your head? That’s a pretty cool thing. And because he knows us so well, he wants us to follow his way because he does have a life for us to follow.”
Funny how what we teach the kids is also so hard for us. Funny how God has this life in his hands. Funny how God did so much to perfect this world, this earth, just so we could even graze it with our presence. Did God need us here? Nope, but he wanted us here. Did he need any wildlife here? Nope, but that’s what he wanted. He could have created this earth so nothing would ever survive, but every little thing he did was to keep us all alive. He built this earth so that we may live, so that he might have a relationship with us. And could he have let all of us die and suffer…yes…but did he? No. He wanted us so bad. He wanted a relationship so bad that he let his own son die in our place. Who are we to say that God has no rule over our lives? Who are we to say that we are bigger than him? Who are we to say, yeah, I can take this on my own…we are nothing compared to God. He is the biggest and greatest and we must only become smaller and smaller. He did this all for us. He does not need us at all. He could get along just fine without us. Yet, we still act like we are all that. We still act like we got all of this. We still act like we are so much bigger and that he will never be able to go on. Reality check, we’re not. Quit trying to do this thing on your own. When he says, “Go,” then go. It is time for us to get over ourselves and to just submit. God is in control and he has everything in the palm of his hands, so we just need to do it. We can trust him, he obviously wants us here or he wouldn’t have done all the things that he has done to keep us here. He loved us first.
And lastly, I have started to understand Jesus more since I have been here. As I was working today, the song “Some Will Seek Forgiveness” came on and I saw a great vision of Jesus Christ. As I was listening to it, I thought of all these things that we put on ourselves. All these names, all these labels, all these things that we think that we are, but the truth of it is, we are something completely different in his eyes. We do not have to be the person we hate so much. He wants to guide us, he wants to lead us, and he wants to fill us up with his love. He wants to fill us up with all the things that we find ourselves inadequate in and wants that to change our lives. In Him, we are beautiful. In Him, we got this. In Him, we are so much more than without him.
And this is what I had to say today to our kids:
“So let me get this straight…God did all of this…on his own? Nobody helped him? No!? That’s crazy talk. He has to be pretty powerful to do that, huh? Can any of you do that...I don’t think so. Last night, at fire circle, we talked about a director being the one who calls the shots for a movie or for a play. He is the guy who tells people when to come in and he is the one who yells, “ACTION.” If there weren’t someone to tell people when to come in and when to say their line, do you think that things would work out like they should? No, because they have no direction. They do not know where to go. God is our director. He created all things and everything in this earth. He knew exactly how to make things. He made everything at just the right point and in a specific way for a reason. He knows what is best for all of us and which way to put us into direction. God knows all about each and everyone of you. Did you know that he even knows how many hairs are on your head? That’s a pretty cool thing. And because he knows us so well, he wants us to follow his way because he does have a life for us to follow.”
Funny how what we teach the kids is also so hard for us. Funny how God has this life in his hands. Funny how God did so much to perfect this world, this earth, just so we could even graze it with our presence. Did God need us here? Nope, but he wanted us here. Did he need any wildlife here? Nope, but that’s what he wanted. He could have created this earth so nothing would ever survive, but every little thing he did was to keep us all alive. He built this earth so that we may live, so that he might have a relationship with us. And could he have let all of us die and suffer…yes…but did he? No. He wanted us so bad. He wanted a relationship so bad that he let his own son die in our place. Who are we to say that God has no rule over our lives? Who are we to say that we are bigger than him? Who are we to say, yeah, I can take this on my own…we are nothing compared to God. He is the biggest and greatest and we must only become smaller and smaller. He did this all for us. He does not need us at all. He could get along just fine without us. Yet, we still act like we are all that. We still act like we got all of this. We still act like we are so much bigger and that he will never be able to go on. Reality check, we’re not. Quit trying to do this thing on your own. When he says, “Go,” then go. It is time for us to get over ourselves and to just submit. God is in control and he has everything in the palm of his hands, so we just need to do it. We can trust him, he obviously wants us here or he wouldn’t have done all the things that he has done to keep us here. He loved us first.
And lastly, I have started to understand Jesus more since I have been here. As I was working today, the song “Some Will Seek Forgiveness” came on and I saw a great vision of Jesus Christ. As I was listening to it, I thought of all these things that we put on ourselves. All these names, all these labels, all these things that we think that we are, but the truth of it is, we are something completely different in his eyes. We do not have to be the person we hate so much. He wants to guide us, he wants to lead us, and he wants to fill us up with his love. He wants to fill us up with all the things that we find ourselves inadequate in and wants that to change our lives. In Him, we are beautiful. In Him, we got this. In Him, we are so much more than without him.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
God of This City
You're the God of this city. You're the King of these people. You are the Lord of this nation, you are...
God is so much bigger than anything that we could ever imagine. He is so much bigger than our hurt, than our pain. He is so much bigger than our tears. He is so much bigger than our insecurities or what we have been through. He is bigger than anything that will ever bring us down. He is working through us and wants to see his love be shown. He wants us to work through the insecurities that we have. He wants us to work throught the pain that we have. He wants to work through the tears that we shed. He wants to take that and he wants to use it for the most miraculous things that he can ever use.
We sit here and we are in pain for these kids we see. We sit here and we hurt for those around us. We sit here and suffer for them on the inside. We wish that we could take away their pain and their hurt. We wish that we can take on their burdens. We wish that we could take their tears and make them our own, but let's be honest, we can't. That is not our place. That is not what God wants to use us for. Does he have the power to take away their pain? Yes, he does. Does he have the power to fix it? Yes, he does. But...that is not his plan.
As we sit here and pray for their lives to be changed, for them to not be in pain the next day, for them to not have to worry about going back home...we forget about one thing...God. He can change these things and I wish that all the evil in the world could be destroyed, but it exists and will exist. This is not God's doing and his heart does break for it, but it is not for it to be fixed, but used. So why are we here? Why do we preach the Good News that does not seem so good sometimes when we have people in pain like this? Because it is good! It is what we need! It is the double edged sword that can pierce anything and God is using it in our lives! It is not on us, we cannot take this on us! God wants to use us here. He wants to use us to show these kids that even though life might not be so great and that it may hurt sometimes or even all the time...He still reigns! He is still the strongman! He is still the one who is overcoming. God is alive and well! God is good and God is in pain for these kids. His heart breaks for them and he wants them. He wants to use them. He wants to take their pain and their hurt to show the world what such a big God can do. He wants to show the world that even through weakness, pain, and suffering that he does do good. He wants to show them that strength comes through weakness and that strength can shine God's light brighter than any light we may ever come in contact with.
God does have so much for these cities surrounding us. He has so much in store for them and he is using people every single day to show his love and his light to them. He is using people every single day to take truth where truth was never before accepted. He is using people every single day to go and speak light into the darkness where light has never ever ever ever reached before. He is using his number one soldiers out on the front line to fight this battle. Satan is already defeated, he cannot do anything. He's got nothing on us and that is a beautiful thing. All these kids that are here with us today and throughout this week are seeing that. They are seeing how God lives out in our lives and how he loves us more than we can ever imagine. They are seeing how God has captured us and is holding us so tight and how AWESOME that is. God is alive in our hearts and he is living through us. So take that Satan! We are getting our cities back and I can see these kids. I can see that there are so many greater things to be done in these cities, through them. They are being raised up to be the most powerful tools that our Christian army need. So, WHAT'S UP.
I am excited. I can feel God. I can feel him moving in us. I can feel his love pouring on us. I can see us getting torn down and that is a sign of God truly working. Where the Spirit is working there a battle is surely waiting. We're are taking on that battle...so bring it on.
God is so much bigger than anything that we could ever imagine. He is so much bigger than our hurt, than our pain. He is so much bigger than our tears. He is so much bigger than our insecurities or what we have been through. He is bigger than anything that will ever bring us down. He is working through us and wants to see his love be shown. He wants us to work through the insecurities that we have. He wants us to work throught the pain that we have. He wants to work through the tears that we shed. He wants to take that and he wants to use it for the most miraculous things that he can ever use.
We sit here and we are in pain for these kids we see. We sit here and we hurt for those around us. We sit here and suffer for them on the inside. We wish that we could take away their pain and their hurt. We wish that we can take on their burdens. We wish that we could take their tears and make them our own, but let's be honest, we can't. That is not our place. That is not what God wants to use us for. Does he have the power to take away their pain? Yes, he does. Does he have the power to fix it? Yes, he does. But...that is not his plan.
As we sit here and pray for their lives to be changed, for them to not be in pain the next day, for them to not have to worry about going back home...we forget about one thing...God. He can change these things and I wish that all the evil in the world could be destroyed, but it exists and will exist. This is not God's doing and his heart does break for it, but it is not for it to be fixed, but used. So why are we here? Why do we preach the Good News that does not seem so good sometimes when we have people in pain like this? Because it is good! It is what we need! It is the double edged sword that can pierce anything and God is using it in our lives! It is not on us, we cannot take this on us! God wants to use us here. He wants to use us to show these kids that even though life might not be so great and that it may hurt sometimes or even all the time...He still reigns! He is still the strongman! He is still the one who is overcoming. God is alive and well! God is good and God is in pain for these kids. His heart breaks for them and he wants them. He wants to use them. He wants to take their pain and their hurt to show the world what such a big God can do. He wants to show the world that even through weakness, pain, and suffering that he does do good. He wants to show them that strength comes through weakness and that strength can shine God's light brighter than any light we may ever come in contact with.
God does have so much for these cities surrounding us. He has so much in store for them and he is using people every single day to show his love and his light to them. He is using people every single day to take truth where truth was never before accepted. He is using people every single day to go and speak light into the darkness where light has never ever ever ever reached before. He is using his number one soldiers out on the front line to fight this battle. Satan is already defeated, he cannot do anything. He's got nothing on us and that is a beautiful thing. All these kids that are here with us today and throughout this week are seeing that. They are seeing how God lives out in our lives and how he loves us more than we can ever imagine. They are seeing how God has captured us and is holding us so tight and how AWESOME that is. God is alive in our hearts and he is living through us. So take that Satan! We are getting our cities back and I can see these kids. I can see that there are so many greater things to be done in these cities, through them. They are being raised up to be the most powerful tools that our Christian army need. So, WHAT'S UP.
I am excited. I can feel God. I can feel him moving in us. I can feel his love pouring on us. I can see us getting torn down and that is a sign of God truly working. Where the Spirit is working there a battle is surely waiting. We're are taking on that battle...so bring it on.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I have this friend...
I know it has been a while since I have said what's up to the world and I am sorry for that world...my apologies...this is what is going on though...
Today has been a long day. A very unproductive and long day at that. The campers come next week and I feel very stressed and very pressured. I feel as though I will not get anything done...even though I have been working my butt off. It just seems like it is neverending and that the time will never come. I feel so inadequate at times when it comes to my job especially. Certain things that have been said have made me feel like I am not doing this good enough. They make me feel like I am not the right person for the job. They make me feel like trash, let's be honest. However, I do have the encouraging side of things as well. I do have the people building me up and being real with me. I do have the friends who are pulling me out and helping me out. I do have the friends who are pushing me and stretching me, but even so, it seems like the bad is outweighing the good. I just want reassurance that overtakes all the doubts...
Today has been a long day. A very unproductive and long day at that. The campers come next week and I feel very stressed and very pressured. I feel as though I will not get anything done...even though I have been working my butt off. It just seems like it is neverending and that the time will never come. I feel so inadequate at times when it comes to my job especially. Certain things that have been said have made me feel like I am not doing this good enough. They make me feel like I am not the right person for the job. They make me feel like trash, let's be honest. However, I do have the encouraging side of things as well. I do have the people building me up and being real with me. I do have the friends who are pulling me out and helping me out. I do have the friends who are pushing me and stretching me, but even so, it seems like the bad is outweighing the good. I just want reassurance that overtakes all the doubts...
Friday, June 11, 2010
Since June 4th
June 4, 2010
Today, I honestly felt kind of useless. I was doing work, but I felt like everything I did was so unaccomplished. I just couldn’t get myself motivated. Every time I tried to work, I just felt this burden of not wanting to. As I look into it more, I realized that my day did not start off as it usually does. I did not get a chance to spend time in the Word because I was so tired from last night. I just could not get up today. This sets off my schedule immensely.
However, later on in my day, I realized that I needed to do something about this. I needed to change my attitude and really focus on God. I decided that work was not going to get done effectively at the rate I was going and I needed to just go and be with the Lord. So, that’s what I did. It was time for me to go and be with God and let Him work in me and speak through me. I left the office to go and be in silence. I went back to the lodge and sat out on the picnic table facing the mountains. As I sat there, I let God speak to me, I let him open up my heart and my eyes to see what he wanted me to see. “God is my shield, saying those whose hearts are true and right. God is a judge who is perfectly fair, he is angry with the wicked everyday,” Psalm 7:10-11. God is a fair judge. He is a just God. He puts a shield around those who have hearts that are true and right. He protects us. He keeps us safe. I’m going to be running into a lot of tough problems this summer. There are going to be a lot of questions that are going to be asked. There are going to be a lot of “why does it have to be this way for them?” This is what I need to remember, that God is just. He believes in justice and wants to see justice. It is not God to blame for the wicked, but it is the wicked to blame for the wicked. God is all powerful and he does perform miracles, but this is still a fallen world.
As I have been out here, I have had more and more appreciation for what is around me. I have loved being outside and seeing God’s beauty. As I sit there and watch creation while I read God’s Word, it all becomes so much more real to me. I have been reading through the creation story, preparing for one of the lessons and I can just see God in everything around me. I am constantly reminded of how he really did make all of this. This is really all of his. This is God’s beauty. Not only that, but even with being with the people I am with. I am constantly reminded of God and who he is. Having small conversations, watching how people act around others, all of this shows how creative and how beautiful God truly is. When I look into people and truly see God, I am amazed. I am in awe of our creator. Then, I think this, how could I not be in awe of our creator after looking at these people? How can I not be in awe of our creator after seeing how well we interact with one another and how each of gifts fit in perfectly in the whole puzzle? Only God can do that. That is awesome in every sense of the word. It’s the little things that he keeps showing me. The little things that I have always noticed, but need to really pay attention to closer.
June 5, 2010
Today, we are going on a staff camping trip. To be quite honest, I am not so excited about it. I know that I still have a ton to do and that it will be hard to get my mind off of it. However, I also know that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I do not let myself have a good time. I need to remember that as I prepare myself to go. We do have a few hours today to relax and to chill before we actually leave. That is the time that I will be spending preparing my heart to go on this trip. It will be good for us as a team to go on the trip. Even though we do know each other really well already, it will be good to be somewhere other than a work setting. It will be good to have a change of scenery and a refreshed mind that goes along with that. It will be good to be away and to not have to worry about the distractions that we have here. And, it will be good to see a different side of God’s creation.
As I am out there in the wilderness this weekend, I hope that God will reveal himself to me. I am letting myself be opened up to God so that he can work in me. I am opening myself up to silence so that he can speak to me. I am letting my guard down and my walls down so that he can work in me. I am praying that he will take me captive and that he will pour so much into me over this weekend. I am praying that he will take everything that is on my mind and put my focus toward him and him only. I am praying that he will remove whatever is blocking me from him and break all the bondage that keeps me from him. I want God to be working in me and through me. I want to become a new creation and I want to forget the old. What better place than in the middle of nowhere in a tent?
As far as that group goes, I am hoping that we will grow closer together. I am hoping that we establish what we need to establish as a group. I am hoping that God is showing us who we are in the group and how we can be more unified as a group. I am praying that he will bring unity among us and that he will open our eyes to being vulnerable of one another. I am excited to see where God takes us as a group this weekend and to have a little insight of where he wants to take us this summer.
June 6, 2010
Yesterday we left for camping and the campsite we were going to is only an hour and a half away...well, things happened. We had been driving for about an hour and a half and we get to the site…the gate is locked. Okay, well we will just go in through the back way. We drove down the road to the other site to get in, and drive all the way through…there’s no way out, dead end. Then we turned around and start to head out. Adam sees a road that we passed and decides that we should try that one…dead end. Then we just decide to go to another campground. We get back on the road and start to travel to another camp ground. After about thirty or forty minutes, we reach one…not big enough. Then we go to another one…not enough to do. Finally, we reach Mt. Pino…just right. We hike down the trail with our stuff and set up camp, our home for two days…yay. After all this running around, it was about time for dinner…so, we sat around the campfire and hung out until dinner came…what a tiring day.
Today, we woke up and hung out for a bit before eating some breakfast. We finally got some breakfast and waited for Dan to get here to do some team building. Nothing much happened at this campfire, but last night’s campfire was pretty good. We talked a lot about God’s faithfulness in our lives and miracles we have seen him do. However, I must say that some of the conversation was hard to me. As we were talking, some things triggered back to the Taylor accident. It has been four years now, but it still hurts for me. I still have times where I cannot deal with it. I still have times where I break down into tears. I still have times where I cannot bear the burden and the weight of it all. I still have times where I question why. Last night, was one of those times. I was hurting and wanted to cry, but no one here understood. At the same time though, it gave me time to reflect with God and see how he worked in me through that. It helped me to understand why and how it hurts me. It helped me see miracles and how powerful God truly is. So, even though it was hard for me, it was still good for me. God was definitely preparing my heart through last night’s conversation. He was getting me ready for talking about hard things. He was getting me ready for dealing with my struggles, my emotions, my pain. And even though it was uncomfortable, it was still good for me.
We did some team building following breakfast. I am not much of a teambuilding person. In fact, I do not really like team building activities. That is just how I am and I know that I need to get over it. So, I did. I did the team building activities and I did not get very much out of it. But, there was one thing that was addressed during a debriefing session. We talked about the issue of sarcasm on the team. Now, most (minus one) of the team is sarcastic. We all like to be sarcastic and we all like to have a good time. However, at the same time, we know how to be serious when we need to be. Even so, our sarcasm can get out of hand sometimes. Sometimes, it can be taken the wrong way and can be seen as a put down. So, we had to work this out as a group and we talked a lot about how if it brings down our brother or sister in Christ, that we should not do it. That was a good thing to discover about the team and to help us when working together in unity.
June 7, 2010
Before we left to come home today, we spent two hours of solo time with Jesus. I went up to the rocks where we did team building yesterday. As I sat there, I began to think of all the people who have really had an influence in my life and my faith walk. It was good to see what I have learned from them and where I have been stretched and challenged. Also, I had a good conversation with God about my struggles. I struggle sometimes with who God puts in my life. I struggle sometimes with being stability for people and not always having a stable person in my own life. I struggle sometimes with having to be the strong one and with not always having a person to be the strong one for me. I struggle sometimes with God speaking through me into people’s lives that are hurting and are literally living through hell. All of this, I struggle with, but at the same time, I know that I have been blessed immensely. God has shown me what it means to look at people through his eyes. He has shown me what it means to carry the burdens of others and how we are supposed to come alongside of others. He has shown me to look at the gray areas and see where things are not so black and white. He has shown me how to step back and look at things from a different point of view. He has shown me to love with his love and with his heart and not to disregard people because of who they are or where they come from. I struggle when he tells me what to do with these gifts he has given me, but I struggle because I do not let him fill me up. I do not let him pour his love into me. I do not let him fill my cup so that it might overflow onto those around me. I try to handle it on my own sometimes and do not let God work through me and take the burdens, but I try to take the burdens on my own. This is something that I need to work on especially this summer. I need to let God be filling up my cup. I need to let God be pouring into me so that I will overflow with his love.
Heidi and I did have a good conversation yesterday as well that made me really think. As we were hiking down the mountain, I started to tell her about my semester. We talked about how I was extremely depressed this past semester and how I did not want anyone in my life. We talked about Amy and how I never really dealt with it, but just continued to go on with my life. I never dealt with it. I never stopped and processed. I never let God heal me or work in me. I just kept going, pushing myself to take care of others. God said to me yesterday, “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still, stop, and know that he is bigger than anything that I have dealt with in my life. He is bigger than anything that I have ever come in contact with. He is God, he can work through this and wants to work through this. He wants to heal me and take care of me. He wants to comfort me and encourage me.
June 8, 2010
Time is starting to get pretty tight as we have counselors coming in tomorrow and we have week in the city next week. I am ahead of schedule, but not enough ahead of schedule. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it. I have today and tomorrow to do stuff and then the afternoon on Friday, but we leave on Saturday. So, we will see how things will work out. All of my lessons are planned as of now and most of the devo books are done, but the thing is that I still have to figure out what to do with the L.I.Ts when they get here. So, there is a lot of planning in that area still. I will get it done, but I do not know when. That is okay though, getting stressed will not be a smart thing. I know that I need to relax and just chill out and go with the flow. It just means that I have to work much harder and much longer the days that I do have time to do work. After all, it will pay off in the end.
Today, I started to work on the high school devotionals. I feel like these ones come a lot easier than the younger ones. After doing the first two, I start to see where this is supposed to go and how I should direct it. This means that I probably need to go back and readjust the younger ones, but that is okay. It’s not about me, but it is about the kids. It is about what God wants to teach the kids. I think this is what I am most nervous about, I have been listening to God and allowing him to speak to me, but I so often let the lies get to me. I let the lies tell me that I did not hear correctly. I let the lies tell me that I am not good enough or that what I am doing is not good enough. Even though I know the truth about this, it does not keep me from at least listening to the lies. After a while, all I can do is let the lies get to me. However, this is where I do need to let God overcome. I need to rebuke those and let him defeat them for me. It is through him that truth comes and that is what I need to focus on. It is all God who is going to take this battle, not me.
June 9, 2010
Last night ended up being a pretty fun night. Adam needed some people to drive into LA to pick up the boat driver for the camp. Seeing how there was free Taco Bell in it for us, we naturally volunteered. It is times like these that I have loved so far at camp. It is not the forced hang out get to know the staff times, but the “hey, can you go do this and take a friend times.” It is through these times that we have had the best team bonding. It is through these times of not forced get to know you conversations that we have had the best conversations. It is through these non-formal just hang out times that we have had some challenging times and some stretching times. It is through this, that we have been able to build each other up and encourage one another. I know that it has only been a week that we have been together, but we have come close together. We have been open and real with one another. We have allowed God to work in each other through us. We have shared our struggles and been able to hold one another accountable. We have already had those arguments that we need to work through. We will have more and we will have more good times. That is what is so beautiful about coming together as a community of CHRISTIANS: we all have one thing in common and that is what holds us together. So, we may have disputes, we may have fights, but we do love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and that is what sets us apart.
Today, the counselors arrived and I am pretty excited about that. I am pumped for Alissa to be here and glad for her to have this experience. It is good to have people from back home here just because I know they will be back at school with me when I return. They are not my safety net here and I do not plan on spending a ton of time with them, but I do plan to invest in our friendships while we are here. I do want us to grow stronger and build more trust in each other so that when we do get back to school we will be able to debrief and to be real with each other. I am looking forward to seeing where God takes Alissa, Liz, and me. I am excited to see how he uses each of us in each other’s lives and when we get back to Taylor. We all are here for a reason and for different reasons at that and I am pumped to see what fruit comes of that.
June 10, 2010
We had team building activities all morning this morning. I am not going to lie, I was not too excited about it, not because I did not want to do it (which I really did not), but because I knew how much stuff I had to do. We got there and it started off pretty terrible. The guy leading chewed us out because we were late, which made me not want to do things even more, but as the time went on, I got over it. We started off with this game of “telephone.” Jared (our leader) put some items a bit of a distance away from us in a pattern. We had to, one by one, go down and look at his pattern he created and then run down and relay to the person at the end of the line what it was. The person at the end of the line passed it on to the next person and then the next and the next until it reached the first person. The person at the front of the line had to use the items in front of them to duplicate the pattern that was explained to them. It was a long game, but quite entertaining. I must say that my feelings eased up by the end of it. We finished up the game and sat in a circle to talk about how it is related to life and further how it is related to Ephesians 4:23-24 (our theme verse). As corny as it sounded, it actually was really good to talk about. It helped us to see how the verse relates to our everyday lives, especially know that we are Christians.
We finished up team building and headed to lunch and then to three hours worth of meetings. Let us just say that the meetings were so lame that my supervisor was texting me during the meetings. However, it kept me entertained, so I was okay with it. It is just really hard to go to meetings about things that you know because you have been living here. So to be oriented after living here for a while is not that fun. However, it did not kill me, so it must have made me stronger. I feel like I can do anything now that I sat through those meetings, thank you so much for making me.
The day of getting to know one another finished up with shooting one another. Five thirty rolled around and we headed up to the fields for some wings, pizza, and paintball action. It has been quite a while since I have played paintball, but let me tell you what I lit them up last night. I mean except for at the very beginning when I got drilled in the lip, but hey now I can say that I got in a fight or something cool like the. It was a good time and a good time for us to have a break from doing work and to do something that was fun and team bonding such as that. I mean, we have breaks all the time at night, but this was a real organized break and that was definitely needed.
June 11, 2010
Today started out pretty gloomy. We had breakfast and then headed to a seminar about depression, suicide, and abuse. Not really the way that I wanted to start out my day, but it does need to be addressed at some point. As I was sitting there, it did bring a lot back to me though. I did have a lot of memories about what it is like to be young and to be young and depressed at that. Now that I look back on all that and as I sat there today, I realized how much I do have to offer to kids who are going through that. I understand what that is like and I understand how it feels to be depressed at that age. I understand what it means to not want to go to school or how there is that one last straw that breaks the camel’s back. That can help me and at the time and even after I got over it, I felt like such a loser for ever feeling that way, but now I realize that good can come out of it. It can help me help others and God’s light can truly shine because of it. God did work through all of that and he has helped me deal with it and that is what the beauty of it all is. I can help others see that same beauty.
Following all of that, I needed to continue to work on devotions for senior high and junior high camps. As I wrote the devotionals for the camps, I really got to thinking about how big God truly is. I mean, I know this and I have thought about this before, but I have never until now let it take my breath away the way that it did. As I wrote about God being the director of our lives, I could not get it out of my mind that God spoke…and it happened. He did nothing but merely speak and it happened. Nothing more, nothing less, but speak. Seriously, that takes my breath away. It is so cool to think that our God is so big and so powerful that all he has to do is speak and things fall into place. All he has to do is say that he wants something and it happens. All he has to do is command and BAM! That is incredible to me, why can’t I do that? Oh yeah, I am not God. Which is another thing that has been good to bring back into perspective
Today, I honestly felt kind of useless. I was doing work, but I felt like everything I did was so unaccomplished. I just couldn’t get myself motivated. Every time I tried to work, I just felt this burden of not wanting to. As I look into it more, I realized that my day did not start off as it usually does. I did not get a chance to spend time in the Word because I was so tired from last night. I just could not get up today. This sets off my schedule immensely.
However, later on in my day, I realized that I needed to do something about this. I needed to change my attitude and really focus on God. I decided that work was not going to get done effectively at the rate I was going and I needed to just go and be with the Lord. So, that’s what I did. It was time for me to go and be with God and let Him work in me and speak through me. I left the office to go and be in silence. I went back to the lodge and sat out on the picnic table facing the mountains. As I sat there, I let God speak to me, I let him open up my heart and my eyes to see what he wanted me to see. “God is my shield, saying those whose hearts are true and right. God is a judge who is perfectly fair, he is angry with the wicked everyday,” Psalm 7:10-11. God is a fair judge. He is a just God. He puts a shield around those who have hearts that are true and right. He protects us. He keeps us safe. I’m going to be running into a lot of tough problems this summer. There are going to be a lot of questions that are going to be asked. There are going to be a lot of “why does it have to be this way for them?” This is what I need to remember, that God is just. He believes in justice and wants to see justice. It is not God to blame for the wicked, but it is the wicked to blame for the wicked. God is all powerful and he does perform miracles, but this is still a fallen world.
As I have been out here, I have had more and more appreciation for what is around me. I have loved being outside and seeing God’s beauty. As I sit there and watch creation while I read God’s Word, it all becomes so much more real to me. I have been reading through the creation story, preparing for one of the lessons and I can just see God in everything around me. I am constantly reminded of how he really did make all of this. This is really all of his. This is God’s beauty. Not only that, but even with being with the people I am with. I am constantly reminded of God and who he is. Having small conversations, watching how people act around others, all of this shows how creative and how beautiful God truly is. When I look into people and truly see God, I am amazed. I am in awe of our creator. Then, I think this, how could I not be in awe of our creator after looking at these people? How can I not be in awe of our creator after seeing how well we interact with one another and how each of gifts fit in perfectly in the whole puzzle? Only God can do that. That is awesome in every sense of the word. It’s the little things that he keeps showing me. The little things that I have always noticed, but need to really pay attention to closer.
June 5, 2010
Today, we are going on a staff camping trip. To be quite honest, I am not so excited about it. I know that I still have a ton to do and that it will be hard to get my mind off of it. However, I also know that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I do not let myself have a good time. I need to remember that as I prepare myself to go. We do have a few hours today to relax and to chill before we actually leave. That is the time that I will be spending preparing my heart to go on this trip. It will be good for us as a team to go on the trip. Even though we do know each other really well already, it will be good to be somewhere other than a work setting. It will be good to have a change of scenery and a refreshed mind that goes along with that. It will be good to be away and to not have to worry about the distractions that we have here. And, it will be good to see a different side of God’s creation.
As I am out there in the wilderness this weekend, I hope that God will reveal himself to me. I am letting myself be opened up to God so that he can work in me. I am opening myself up to silence so that he can speak to me. I am letting my guard down and my walls down so that he can work in me. I am praying that he will take me captive and that he will pour so much into me over this weekend. I am praying that he will take everything that is on my mind and put my focus toward him and him only. I am praying that he will remove whatever is blocking me from him and break all the bondage that keeps me from him. I want God to be working in me and through me. I want to become a new creation and I want to forget the old. What better place than in the middle of nowhere in a tent?
As far as that group goes, I am hoping that we will grow closer together. I am hoping that we establish what we need to establish as a group. I am hoping that God is showing us who we are in the group and how we can be more unified as a group. I am praying that he will bring unity among us and that he will open our eyes to being vulnerable of one another. I am excited to see where God takes us as a group this weekend and to have a little insight of where he wants to take us this summer.
June 6, 2010
Yesterday we left for camping and the campsite we were going to is only an hour and a half away...well, things happened. We had been driving for about an hour and a half and we get to the site…the gate is locked. Okay, well we will just go in through the back way. We drove down the road to the other site to get in, and drive all the way through…there’s no way out, dead end. Then we turned around and start to head out. Adam sees a road that we passed and decides that we should try that one…dead end. Then we just decide to go to another campground. We get back on the road and start to travel to another camp ground. After about thirty or forty minutes, we reach one…not big enough. Then we go to another one…not enough to do. Finally, we reach Mt. Pino…just right. We hike down the trail with our stuff and set up camp, our home for two days…yay. After all this running around, it was about time for dinner…so, we sat around the campfire and hung out until dinner came…what a tiring day.
Today, we woke up and hung out for a bit before eating some breakfast. We finally got some breakfast and waited for Dan to get here to do some team building. Nothing much happened at this campfire, but last night’s campfire was pretty good. We talked a lot about God’s faithfulness in our lives and miracles we have seen him do. However, I must say that some of the conversation was hard to me. As we were talking, some things triggered back to the Taylor accident. It has been four years now, but it still hurts for me. I still have times where I cannot deal with it. I still have times where I break down into tears. I still have times where I cannot bear the burden and the weight of it all. I still have times where I question why. Last night, was one of those times. I was hurting and wanted to cry, but no one here understood. At the same time though, it gave me time to reflect with God and see how he worked in me through that. It helped me to understand why and how it hurts me. It helped me see miracles and how powerful God truly is. So, even though it was hard for me, it was still good for me. God was definitely preparing my heart through last night’s conversation. He was getting me ready for talking about hard things. He was getting me ready for dealing with my struggles, my emotions, my pain. And even though it was uncomfortable, it was still good for me.
We did some team building following breakfast. I am not much of a teambuilding person. In fact, I do not really like team building activities. That is just how I am and I know that I need to get over it. So, I did. I did the team building activities and I did not get very much out of it. But, there was one thing that was addressed during a debriefing session. We talked about the issue of sarcasm on the team. Now, most (minus one) of the team is sarcastic. We all like to be sarcastic and we all like to have a good time. However, at the same time, we know how to be serious when we need to be. Even so, our sarcasm can get out of hand sometimes. Sometimes, it can be taken the wrong way and can be seen as a put down. So, we had to work this out as a group and we talked a lot about how if it brings down our brother or sister in Christ, that we should not do it. That was a good thing to discover about the team and to help us when working together in unity.
June 7, 2010
Before we left to come home today, we spent two hours of solo time with Jesus. I went up to the rocks where we did team building yesterday. As I sat there, I began to think of all the people who have really had an influence in my life and my faith walk. It was good to see what I have learned from them and where I have been stretched and challenged. Also, I had a good conversation with God about my struggles. I struggle sometimes with who God puts in my life. I struggle sometimes with being stability for people and not always having a stable person in my own life. I struggle sometimes with having to be the strong one and with not always having a person to be the strong one for me. I struggle sometimes with God speaking through me into people’s lives that are hurting and are literally living through hell. All of this, I struggle with, but at the same time, I know that I have been blessed immensely. God has shown me what it means to look at people through his eyes. He has shown me what it means to carry the burdens of others and how we are supposed to come alongside of others. He has shown me to look at the gray areas and see where things are not so black and white. He has shown me how to step back and look at things from a different point of view. He has shown me to love with his love and with his heart and not to disregard people because of who they are or where they come from. I struggle when he tells me what to do with these gifts he has given me, but I struggle because I do not let him fill me up. I do not let him pour his love into me. I do not let him fill my cup so that it might overflow onto those around me. I try to handle it on my own sometimes and do not let God work through me and take the burdens, but I try to take the burdens on my own. This is something that I need to work on especially this summer. I need to let God be filling up my cup. I need to let God be pouring into me so that I will overflow with his love.
Heidi and I did have a good conversation yesterday as well that made me really think. As we were hiking down the mountain, I started to tell her about my semester. We talked about how I was extremely depressed this past semester and how I did not want anyone in my life. We talked about Amy and how I never really dealt with it, but just continued to go on with my life. I never dealt with it. I never stopped and processed. I never let God heal me or work in me. I just kept going, pushing myself to take care of others. God said to me yesterday, “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still, stop, and know that he is bigger than anything that I have dealt with in my life. He is bigger than anything that I have ever come in contact with. He is God, he can work through this and wants to work through this. He wants to heal me and take care of me. He wants to comfort me and encourage me.
June 8, 2010
Time is starting to get pretty tight as we have counselors coming in tomorrow and we have week in the city next week. I am ahead of schedule, but not enough ahead of schedule. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do any of it. I have today and tomorrow to do stuff and then the afternoon on Friday, but we leave on Saturday. So, we will see how things will work out. All of my lessons are planned as of now and most of the devo books are done, but the thing is that I still have to figure out what to do with the L.I.Ts when they get here. So, there is a lot of planning in that area still. I will get it done, but I do not know when. That is okay though, getting stressed will not be a smart thing. I know that I need to relax and just chill out and go with the flow. It just means that I have to work much harder and much longer the days that I do have time to do work. After all, it will pay off in the end.
Today, I started to work on the high school devotionals. I feel like these ones come a lot easier than the younger ones. After doing the first two, I start to see where this is supposed to go and how I should direct it. This means that I probably need to go back and readjust the younger ones, but that is okay. It’s not about me, but it is about the kids. It is about what God wants to teach the kids. I think this is what I am most nervous about, I have been listening to God and allowing him to speak to me, but I so often let the lies get to me. I let the lies tell me that I did not hear correctly. I let the lies tell me that I am not good enough or that what I am doing is not good enough. Even though I know the truth about this, it does not keep me from at least listening to the lies. After a while, all I can do is let the lies get to me. However, this is where I do need to let God overcome. I need to rebuke those and let him defeat them for me. It is through him that truth comes and that is what I need to focus on. It is all God who is going to take this battle, not me.
June 9, 2010
Last night ended up being a pretty fun night. Adam needed some people to drive into LA to pick up the boat driver for the camp. Seeing how there was free Taco Bell in it for us, we naturally volunteered. It is times like these that I have loved so far at camp. It is not the forced hang out get to know the staff times, but the “hey, can you go do this and take a friend times.” It is through these times that we have had the best team bonding. It is through these times of not forced get to know you conversations that we have had the best conversations. It is through these non-formal just hang out times that we have had some challenging times and some stretching times. It is through this, that we have been able to build each other up and encourage one another. I know that it has only been a week that we have been together, but we have come close together. We have been open and real with one another. We have allowed God to work in each other through us. We have shared our struggles and been able to hold one another accountable. We have already had those arguments that we need to work through. We will have more and we will have more good times. That is what is so beautiful about coming together as a community of CHRISTIANS: we all have one thing in common and that is what holds us together. So, we may have disputes, we may have fights, but we do love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and that is what sets us apart.
Today, the counselors arrived and I am pretty excited about that. I am pumped for Alissa to be here and glad for her to have this experience. It is good to have people from back home here just because I know they will be back at school with me when I return. They are not my safety net here and I do not plan on spending a ton of time with them, but I do plan to invest in our friendships while we are here. I do want us to grow stronger and build more trust in each other so that when we do get back to school we will be able to debrief and to be real with each other. I am looking forward to seeing where God takes Alissa, Liz, and me. I am excited to see how he uses each of us in each other’s lives and when we get back to Taylor. We all are here for a reason and for different reasons at that and I am pumped to see what fruit comes of that.
June 10, 2010
We had team building activities all morning this morning. I am not going to lie, I was not too excited about it, not because I did not want to do it (which I really did not), but because I knew how much stuff I had to do. We got there and it started off pretty terrible. The guy leading chewed us out because we were late, which made me not want to do things even more, but as the time went on, I got over it. We started off with this game of “telephone.” Jared (our leader) put some items a bit of a distance away from us in a pattern. We had to, one by one, go down and look at his pattern he created and then run down and relay to the person at the end of the line what it was. The person at the end of the line passed it on to the next person and then the next and the next until it reached the first person. The person at the front of the line had to use the items in front of them to duplicate the pattern that was explained to them. It was a long game, but quite entertaining. I must say that my feelings eased up by the end of it. We finished up the game and sat in a circle to talk about how it is related to life and further how it is related to Ephesians 4:23-24 (our theme verse). As corny as it sounded, it actually was really good to talk about. It helped us to see how the verse relates to our everyday lives, especially know that we are Christians.
We finished up team building and headed to lunch and then to three hours worth of meetings. Let us just say that the meetings were so lame that my supervisor was texting me during the meetings. However, it kept me entertained, so I was okay with it. It is just really hard to go to meetings about things that you know because you have been living here. So to be oriented after living here for a while is not that fun. However, it did not kill me, so it must have made me stronger. I feel like I can do anything now that I sat through those meetings, thank you so much for making me.
The day of getting to know one another finished up with shooting one another. Five thirty rolled around and we headed up to the fields for some wings, pizza, and paintball action. It has been quite a while since I have played paintball, but let me tell you what I lit them up last night. I mean except for at the very beginning when I got drilled in the lip, but hey now I can say that I got in a fight or something cool like the. It was a good time and a good time for us to have a break from doing work and to do something that was fun and team bonding such as that. I mean, we have breaks all the time at night, but this was a real organized break and that was definitely needed.
June 11, 2010
Today started out pretty gloomy. We had breakfast and then headed to a seminar about depression, suicide, and abuse. Not really the way that I wanted to start out my day, but it does need to be addressed at some point. As I was sitting there, it did bring a lot back to me though. I did have a lot of memories about what it is like to be young and to be young and depressed at that. Now that I look back on all that and as I sat there today, I realized how much I do have to offer to kids who are going through that. I understand what that is like and I understand how it feels to be depressed at that age. I understand what it means to not want to go to school or how there is that one last straw that breaks the camel’s back. That can help me and at the time and even after I got over it, I felt like such a loser for ever feeling that way, but now I realize that good can come out of it. It can help me help others and God’s light can truly shine because of it. God did work through all of that and he has helped me deal with it and that is what the beauty of it all is. I can help others see that same beauty.
Following all of that, I needed to continue to work on devotions for senior high and junior high camps. As I wrote the devotionals for the camps, I really got to thinking about how big God truly is. I mean, I know this and I have thought about this before, but I have never until now let it take my breath away the way that it did. As I wrote about God being the director of our lives, I could not get it out of my mind that God spoke…and it happened. He did nothing but merely speak and it happened. Nothing more, nothing less, but speak. Seriously, that takes my breath away. It is so cool to think that our God is so big and so powerful that all he has to do is speak and things fall into place. All he has to do is say that he wants something and it happens. All he has to do is command and BAM! That is incredible to me, why can’t I do that? Oh yeah, I am not God. Which is another thing that has been good to bring back into perspective
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