Who I Am Not

There has been an uprising in my soul for the past couple of weeks. This uprising is caused by snide remarks, contemplation, and just life itself. It spun my world into a bit of chaos and even more so brought more challenges my way. These challenges are pushing me to think in a new light and live in a new way. The way that I am going about things right now just isn't cutting it and I need to do something about it. I need a change of pace, a new way of living, something that isn't my typical everyday life.

People are always telling me things about myself. They are always telling me who I am and how I live my life. Some of these things are true, but then again some are far from the truth. I was always told as a kid not to let other people's words hurt me or harm me. However, not letting them harm me and having an affect on me are two different things. There has to be a reason that they say the things they do and if it strikes a wrong chord then I should do something about it. If it makes me think at all, then I need to understand why I am thinking that.

I am not saying that we should take everyone's words to heart and make changes accordingly. I am just saying that if some things offend us, there has to be a reason behind it. We should take those things as challenges and see what God can do with them. Taking them as challenges and remembering that the truth has to be overheard in the lies. It is in this that we will grow most and that we will continue to become who we were made to be. This chaos that I have been thrown into can be a good thing as long as I use it to be a good thing.

Back Again

"For the secret of a man's being is not only to live ... but to live for something definite. Without a firm notion of what he is living for, man will not accept life and will rather destroy himself than remain on earth..." 

Fyodor Dostoevsky

A year ago, I found myself in a constant struggle with deciding where I was going to go when I graduated. I was nervous to walk forward as I did not know what my purpose was or where I would be. I was told that I would do great things and wherever I went that God would use me. I was in search for something greater in my life. I was in search for a calling that was not only compatible with my life but would push me to be something greater. I was searching for a place in which God would not only use me, but would challenge me and strengthen me. I found myself in Muncie, Indiana. This was not my idea of living out my calling. It was not my idea of living up to my full potential. At times, I did not understand why I was there or am there now. 

This year has been full of numerous hardships. I have been knocked down and at times have stayed on the ground for days. However, I always get up and continue to walk forward. At times though, the walking has been painful. I have not understood my purpose of where I am. I feel like I do not fit in where I am at. I feel like I am doing more harm than I am good. I feel like I am crumbling and that I will never be able to get back up again. I let the lies get to me and I hear them louder than anything else. I see God's goodness and I hear his truth, but I cannot find my purpose and that speaks so much louder. As I cannot see my purpose, my confidence deteriorates and I start to fall apart. 

I am in this phase yet again. I am searching to see where God wants me and to see what my calling is in life. As I look back on this last year, I refuse to let myself be destroyed because of lies. I know that I have a purpose in this world and I know that I have a calling. The truth is that just because we do something and it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean that we are failing. It means that we are one step closer to figuring out what we are supposed to do. We are allowed to see what fits best for us and what God has chosen for us. We are allowed to completely and totally fail at something. It is through those things that we discover who we truly are. It is through our failures and our hardships that we see where we are supposed to be. 

With all of this said, I am actually excited to see what the future holds. I know that I often say that "I give up," but the truth is that I never will. I know that there is more out there for me and I know that I will be used wherever I go. I also know that my idea of calling is skewed by my own thoughts and that God's idea may be completely different. It's time to give up my fear and just step out. 

Flashback

"This is all surreal...It's like we have been here before." Those words took the breath out of me as I walked through the doors. I never thought that I would walk into this room again with the same feeling. Again, I found myself as I did almost six years ago walking through the doors with a heavy heart and incapable of speaking. The feeling of the room so similar as it was the first time. No one knew what to say, how to say it, or where to begin. We all just sat there feeling he same gut sickening feeling in silence.

As I have been through a few tragic experiences with both the Taylor Community and the Upland community, I still have seen God's love shine through. The community of Taylor University is one of the things about Taylor that I see people making a mockery of. However, it is that community that I see come together when they need each other most. I have seen in this time and the time before where we all were deeply hurt that the body comes together to be one with each other. It's not even being in the chapel together and surrounding each other but it is in the greater Taylor community. Those who have graduated who feel the pain of the current community. They surround this great body in prayer and in love and they are going through it with them. This is where I see God's love. This is where I see what community truly is.

I don't know what I or anyone else is feeling right now. We have so many thoughts going through our heads. We are in pain for ourselves and for those who were closer with him. However, I do know that in God there is hope. I know that it is easy to lose sight of hope right now, but I also know that this is when we need it most. I know that there is a love for this community that is directly through God. I know that his presence is surrounding this community and I know that he will be seen through this. I know that even through pain and suffering that it will be hard to recognize him, but I know that he will make himself known.

The Life of Stubbornness

Over the past few years, stubbornness has become more of a major theme of my life. This stubbornness has not always been bad, but the bad does outweigh the good. I have noticed it more as the years have gone on, but let's be real I never wanted to actually deal with it. It wasn't until the other night that I truly wanted to deal with it and rid it of my life.

I tend to keep my friends updated on my life, my struggles, and just random thoughts of my day. This day in particular was a day of struggle and I was at the "end of my rope." It wasn't even that bad of a day, but it was just the right things thrown at me at just the right times. Anyway, I decided to let someone know that I was losing the battle and I did not feel like I could fight back. My friend had the nerve to be encouraging and to give me a hand back up off the ground. What a jerk, right? A friend who actually was helping me out through encouraging words and letting me know that I could fight back. It all sounds ridiculous, but my stubborn self was extremely irritated.

This is the life of stubbornness. It is a person who doesn't always want to get up when she is knocked down. It is a person who wants to feel the pain for a little bit longer even when there are people around to help her clean up the wound. It is a person who just wants to sit and sulk about life when others are there to help her get back on her feet. It is a person who just doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't think that anything good will come of it.

The truth is that I am sick of living this life. I am sick of letting the enemy get to me and tell me that all those around me who are helping are really hurting me. I am sick of getting irritated when I hear a bit of encouraging words because I don't think that I am worthy enough to hear them. The truth is that I am worthy enough to hear them. I do not deserve to let lies get me down and knock me to the ground because I am a child of God. I am worth so much more than what I have let myself believe in the past. It is time to let the stubbornness go and to start hearing truth more clearly.

Parenthood

I started to get annoyed after being stuck there for five minutes longer than I was supposed to be. The annoyance grew greater after the 45th minute. I called their parents at least four times and I got no answer or no call back. They said they would be there in five minutes and this was at noon, when 12:45 came I obviously was irritated. I had to go to work soon and this just threw a curveball in my day. 

This is just one of the perks of working in the area that I work in. I get the pleasure of being upset by people not taking the responsibility in their own lives. It's a constant battle for me to understand who to put the blame on. The kids feel that the annoyance is towards them, but the truth is that it's not. The blame goes more toward the parents and then even more toward their parents. 

This situation in particular started out with me being frustrated because of the inconvenience that it was to me, but then it ended up being a frustration because of the kids. These kids are in the situation that they are in because of their parents. They cannot control the situations that they fall into and that kills me. It kills me to watch them live the life that they do and hurt constantly. It kills me to see that they do not get the attention that they deserve. It kills me that they do not get the help that they deserve. Most of all it kills me to see that they do not get the love that they deserve.

Don't get me wrong, there is love in this family. Their parents love them and they love their parents. However, love means being sacrificial. Love means dropping whatever is holding you back from getting your kids on time and going to get them. Love means getting rid of all of those worldly things and pour into the family that you have brought up. It means getting over the fact that you are in over your head and doing whatever it takes to provide. It means making them into better people than you are and pushing them to be the best that they can be. 

Life as we Know It

I find myself constantly talking about this "transitional phase" more and more as time after college goes on. I suppose that it makes sense seeing how this is where I am right now. However, it also seems that the more that I talk about it, the less that I understand about it. It is true that there is some sense of understanding that is happening, but that is not what it feels like.

Often times, this feeling of lack of understanding comes from the fact that we say that "this is just life" or "this is normal after college." Sure, it is normal and this is life, but there is nothing wrong with being upset. There is nothing wrong with being in a slight depression over it.

It was yesterday that someone actually said to me that it was normal for college grads to fall into a slight depression after college. It is normal, it is okay to be slightly depressed. It is okay to not understand what is going on. It is okay to not know what lies ahead. It is even more okay to be upset, scared, or nervous and then be open about it. It is okay to let others know what we are feeling and what is going on.

Maybe it's our generation or maybe it's just coming out of a bubble that has crippled us from being able to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a weakness and it makes you a freak of some sort. My question is, where did we get this idea? We were created to be in community with one another. We were created to love with one another and that means walking through life together. It means for us to be open about what is going on and not just the happiness. What is the point of relationships if we can't share our fears with one another? It is time for us to stop being "okay" and instead start being real.

Eavesdropping

"The public education school system needs to respond and find out why these other options are so attractive."

The past couple of years have pushed me to really reevaluate the things that I have a passion for. As I have worked through different battles and frustrations I have discovered more and more what I have a heart for. I see a pattern in the things that I am drawn to and this gives me an insight into why I am drawn to those things. Education is a big passion of mine that has grown over the past few years. I have been in multiple conversations about the education system in America and I have seen how we have failed and how we have succeeded. I see how we as a nation are not stepping up in the way that we should and how we are failing the future of our nation. I see how people are all talk and no action. I understand that it takes time and that we will not be able to fix it. I get it. I understand that it takes time, but I also see how we have more often than not just let it be a useless cause.

The truth is that we can blame parents and students as much as we want, but the reality of the matter is that the education system itself needs to start taking more of the blame. People everywhere are pushing and shoving to get into private and charter schools. A very good point was brought up as I was listening to two educators talking in Panera a little bit ago on this topic. As parents and students are searching for the way out of the public school system, it is necessary for the public school system to try to understand the reasoning behind this. Why is it that people are fleeing from the public education system? What is it that these others schools have to offer? 

It is not necessarily that these other schools are better. It is not necessarily that their teachers are better. It is more so that we are in need. we are longing for our students to have a better life. We want them to have a good education and we want them to succeed. When we see failing education systems in America, we search for anything that might just be a little better for our students. It isn't even a matter of it being the best, but it is the matter of it being just a tad bit better than before. We are searching for improving school systems and schools that will bring our kids to succeed. 

With all of that being said, I do not want to see the public education system die out. I do not want to see  private and charter schools take over and leave the public school system in the dust. I think that there is value in the public school system and I think that it can be improved. I do see a future in it as long as people do respond. We must respond to the cry of hurting parents and students. We must respond as a nation to this problem. We must see what it is that is appealing to the parents and students in order to improve our education system. As new teachers come in and want to make a difference, we must stand behind them and encourage them to make a difference. We cannot be afraid of change or what they might be "doing to our education system," but we have to embrace that. 

Basically I am just trying to say that we need to rise up. In the words of Lupe Fiasco, "If you never are an actor you can never be a factor." This is our future and this should be one of the most important things to us. We need to push ourselves to be the best that we can be and through us pushing ourselves, we must push those who are learning from us.