The Stages of Grief

My grandmother was one of the most hospitable people that I had ever met. Over the last week I was constantly reminded of this as we spent the last wakening moments of her life with her. From the moment that she arrived at her house on hospice to the moment that she took her last breath, her house was full of people that she loved and that loved her. Through friends, family, and my grandmother herself, there was so much I learned and was reminded of where I came from.

True Selflessness
As my grandmother laid in her living room during her last hours she was constantly checking in on my grandfather. She was in pain and she was struggling but all she was concerned with was if my grandfather got to "watch his show." Being comfortable wasn't as important to her as making sure that my grandfather was happy and that he was taking care of himself.

She also was more concerned with if we all were comfortable. She didn't want all of us who were at the house to be sad. She wanted to comfort us and she spoke to us to tell us that we had nothing to worry about. She wanted to ensure that we were alright and that we were taking good care of ourselves.

This is something that almost everyone in my family has inherited from my grandmother. We all watched her serve others before herself and learned that this is how we should also live. This is something that I witnessed in myself this weekend. Everyone else came before me no matter how much pain I was in myself. This is something that I am beyond blessed to have inherited from my grandmother.

Final Advice
My grandmother had each one of us in the room with her hear her final charges for our lives. When it got to me, my grandmother looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Anna. Find a boyfriend, get married, and have babies." Talk about a lofty goal for the one human in the room who was just talking to her cousin about children not being real. Not to mention that I am the one human in the family who constantly states that love isn't real. Thanks for the charge, gram.

All kidding aside, this charge from my grandmother did hit me pretty hard. The reality is that relationships have been something that I have been struggling with for a while now. I come from a small Christian conservative bubble that tells me that I should have walked down the aisle seven years ago. Here I am, still single at the age of 29.

Part of me feels guilty because I don't know if I ever will be with someone or if I even want to be with someone. It is this weird feeling that I should do it because it was literally the last thing she ever said to me. I know that I am putting too much pressure on it, but that is just how it is sometimes with last words or phrases.

I know that my grandmother would not be disappointed in me if I never got married, but I also know that it's a desire that the family lives on. She wants our legacy to be continued long after her death. I may never get married and I may never have kids, but these words will continue to challenge me. They challenge me because I have been so narcissistic when it comes to love and relationships. I have been burned and it has been hard for me to see myself ever getting over my issues. However, it is time for me to start being open to relationships. It is time for me to let the past remain in the past and for me to move forward. It is time for me to put to rest the relapse of old relationships and to start to respect myself more. It is time for me to see who I truly am.

True Love
My grandfather's last interactions with my grandmother was the epitome of love. As my grandmother lied there and struggled to continue on with life, my grandfather was there by her side the entire time. He did not want her to go to sleep because he knew that she would not wake up. He continued to keep her awake as long as he could because he was not ready to say goodbye.

My grandfather loved my grandmother. He continued to stroke the side of her face as she was taking her last breaths. He would tell her that he loved her and she would say, "love you more." He told her that she was just as beautiful as the day that they met. He made sure that she was comfortable and that she had everything that she needed until the last hours of her living.

My grandfather showed what love means to all of us who were at home with my grandmother during this time. He showed us what it meant to truly serve my grandmother when she was most concerned with him being comfortable. He showed us that love means to be there and to be supportive even when it was the hardest to do so.

It has taken me almost two weeks to write this blog mostly because I have been running away from my feelings. It hasn't been easy for me to cope with the loss of my grandmother because honestly I am not ready to. I am not ready for her to be gone and I am not ready to move forward. I was not ready for Christmas without her. However, in the words of my grandfather, "I am going to have to be ready." I am going to have to deal with this and I am going to have to move forward. I can't avoid emotions forever.

Christmas wasn't the same without my grandma. It was hard to watch my grandfather break down. It was hard to be strong when I wanted to break down myself. However, in the midst of pain I did see beauty. I saw how my grandma taught us all to love well an taught us to care for one another. We were brought together through the midst of pain. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for her life here on earth and what she has taught us. I am excited to continue to use her lessons in everyday life. Here's to you, Gram.

Set the Bar

During this year as a country we have had so many conversations of what consent is and what it looks like. Honestly, it always seemed mind boggling to me that we are still having these conversations because it should be so cut and dry. It should be a situation where we can clearly say that actions made were either right or wrong. However, I can see how people struggle to see what consent truly is.

A few nights ago I was at a bar with a few friends having this conversation and a drunken man at the bar decided to join into our conversation. He rudely interrupted with this statement, "but who's fault is it that she was blacked out? If I get blacked out and walk out on the street and get shot, that's my own fault." First of all, there are so many wrong things with this situation and this thought process, but I think what hit me the most is that I have fallen into that mindset myself. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that it is the blacked out person's fault for being taken advantage of. However, it is much easier for me to get defensive of other people in this situation than for myself.

These words that this man rambled to us have been on my mind for the last few days now. I can't get them out of my head and they infuriate me so much. The most infuriating part of these words are that I have believed this myself. There have been times that I have tried to justify as being my fault because "I had too much to drink" or "I sent the wrong signals." It has been so easy for me to take the blame because there were parts of the situation that I had control over. It was easy to let it be my fault because even though I had said no, I should have never been in the situation in the first place. 

This has brought me to a very dangerous place in relationships. First of all, it has caused me to never process or talk about past situations in a healthy way. I allowed lies and fears to take away my voice. I felt like I had to take ownership over what had happened. This brought me up to fabricating a story of what happened versus the true story. I felt that if I spoke about the situation in a way that made it seem like I was all in that it would get rid of some of the guilt that I was feeling.

Aside from not being able to process in a healthy way, this way of thinking caused me to bring down the bar in my own relationships. My thoughts were that I wasn't desirable as a significant other, but only a friends with benefits. This pushed me to falling back into what was comfortable. I started to fall back into relationships that were unhealthy and that were not good for me, but they were still comfortable. Even though I wasn't being treated as I should have been, some type of affection was still affection. Falling back into this only kept me even more quiet because I was making the situation for myself.

A lot of these things I have not spoken to anyone before. I have held stories and situations in because of fear and judgment. It has been a long road of not speaking only because it was truly hard to find my voice. I can continually empower other human beings and help them to see their worth, but I am my toughest critic. I have honestly thought that I do not deserve to have better. I have thought that I will never be able to find better. I have thought that I only get what I deserve.

These lies that I have always believed have started to be shattered. The drunken man in the bar pushed me to move forward. If I am going to get so infuriated about others, I should get infuriated about myself. If I am constantly telling others that they need to seek out the love that they actually deserve then I should as well. It's going to be a long road of healing, but I think that it is something that I can accomplish.

Onward

Intentional Community was always a buzzword that I cringed at during my time at Taylor. I felt that it was overused and complete bullshit. Ironically, it was also the reason that I chose to go to Taylor because although it was overused and seemed fake there was still something about it. It wasn't until I hit the "real world" that I truly had a desire for this buzzword that I mocked so often before.

Through my time in Indy, I have had my deep friendships and deep communities, but most have moved around and shifted. Through life situations, we have all had our times where we are more intentional and times where we are less intentional. To be honest, it has left me feeling lonely at times. However, through the past few months, my desire to be connected and intentional has been stronger than it has been in a long time.

The Carrollton, the place I call home, became something so much more than just a place to host things and a place to sleep. It became a place of intentional community and a safe place for me. The humans that I have lived with for the past few months have retaught me what it looks like to challenge and be challenged. They have helped reminded me and helped me learn some pretty great things about what it means to love greatly. Here's just a few of the things that I have learned.

You're Not A Winner
Pretty much anyone who is close to me knows that I like to challenge others and there is a secret side to me that wants to always win. No one is a winner in relationships. As Marshall and Lily once said, "We need to stop keeping score." This is something that we do so often in relationships. We try to one up in the arguments, the jokes, and the relationship in general. Instead of winning we just end up hurt with a weakened relationship or none at all.

Receive Grace as well as Give Grace
Grace has always been a concept for me that isn't hard to grasp when it comes to giving it out. However, receiving grace isn't always the easiest for me. I don't like to let people down and I don't want to be the reason for people's pain. The Carrollton has taught me much about grace in the last few months. It has taught me that in order to truly grow in relationships we must have grace for ourselves as well as have grace for others. If we do not have grace for ourselves, we will be stunted and will not grow. We will not be able to give grace as freely when we cannot receive it for ourselves.

In This House We Talk About Our Feelings
Living with different communication styles isn't always the easiest thing to do. Communicating isn't always the most fun thing to do. Feelings just suck in general. Even in the midst of communication struggles, The Carrollton has helped me to relearn the importance of communication. It has helped me to understand that it is important to learn the communication styles of those you love in order to be able to have a better relationship with them. It has helped remind me that feelings and emotions can make communication messy, but that is the most important time to communicate. Without talking through emotions and feelings, we do not move forward but only backwards.

Slay Your Demons
This season of my life has only shown me that my demons are out to get me every minute of the day. The Carrollton has reminded me that those demons do not have power over me. This community has reminded me that the demons that I fight are not only mine to fight. I have been reminded of what it looks like to have humans who love me surround me with encouragement and the power to fight. Demons aren't that scary when you have people on your side to slay.

These aren't the few things that the Carrollton Community has taught me in the past few months, but they are definitely some of the key things that I have learned. To be honest, I was really bummed to put this chapter to rest at first but I am regularly reminded that this isn't the end. Living in a house with humans creates an automatic community, but leaving doesn't bring it to an end. The intentional community of The Carrollton will continue on even without the house itself and I am excited to see where it takes us. Here's to Christian buzzwords and how they can at times be completely necessary and accurate.

Susie Told Me to Run Away

I know that I have already written a "New Year, New You" post, but here is the continued learning from 2017 so far.

Many people haven’t had the greatest of things to say about 2016 and to be honest I don’t really have much good to say about it either. There were good times, but the reality is that 2016 wasn’t the greatest year overall for me. With 2016 leaving me bummed, I decided that 2017 had to be different. To move forward in the new year meant that I had to figure out what I wanted the new year to look like. With that being the case, I took a solo self exploration trip last weekend to Nashville to really think through things.

Here is what I learned:

1. I should runaway from my problems (Susie told me to).
2. Always tie up your imaginary horse.
3. Words don’t mean anything.

I should run away from my problems (Susie told me to)...
I had some time to meet with a good friend when I escaped from reality. During that time she told me that the best thing that I could do was run away from my problems. Okay, so what she really told me was that I needed to NOT run away from my problems. I have this tendency when people who care for me are telling me one thing that I hear the complete opposite.

During the last year, I spent a lot of time processing what was happening, but the truth is that I didn’t process what I needed to when I needed to. I allowed myself to get overburdened and I suppressed things that I didn’t want to deal with. Moving on meant growth and growth meant pain. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I didn’t want to go through my laundry list of issues that the year had brought on. I wanted to stop feeling inadequate and wanted to feel whole, but running away was the only thing I felt I could do.

Spending time with my dear friend last weekend helped me to let my guard down. It allowed me to take time to myself and really see how I needed to stop running and start dealing with what has been going on. I had time to spend alone and allow myself to think which allowed me to understand that I needed to wrestle through my issues. I was reminded that the only way to get through issues was to deal with them one at a time. Instead of running away, I need to run towards those issues and embrace them. I can only learn once I have started to actually handle

what is going on.

Always tie up your imaginary horse…

This really doesn’t have anything to do with anything except for the fact that Susie wanted me to add it in here. While we were walking through the woods, we saw a sign that said, “Please tie up your horse.” Susie made it a point to tell me to tie up my horse before we headed down to the river. I tied up my imaginary horse and we continued on to the river.

One thing that I can actually pull from this is that I have great friends that challenge me to be creative and imaginative. Even in the midst of anxiety, sadness, and chaos I have friends who provoke me to act like a child and to let loose. I have learned that it is in the times where everything feels so heavy that it is necessary to laugh and to have a good time. After all, they say that laughter is the best medicine.

Words don’t mean anything…

During my time of processing with Susie, I realized how this is a lie that I believe more than I would ever admit. I am as vulnerable as I want to be, but I have the tendency to keep myself from letting words affect me. I don’t take in compliments and allow myself to hear truth. I don’t allow myself to be hurt when I need to from the words spoken to me by dear friends. I don’t allow myself to be sad when I am put down. I don’t let words say what they are meant to say, but instead I allow myself to believe the lie that they don’t mean anything.

I want this year to be a year that I allow words to sink in, but not over think the words that are being said to me. I want words to hold the weight that they are supposed to hold. I want to think carefully through how I speak to and of others. The truth is that words have meanings for a reason and I need to be real about those meanings.

That my friends is what I learned on my solo weekend to Nashville. Even though 2016 wasn’t my favorite year, I believe that it has brought some thoughtful challenges for me to accept for 2017. I am ready to move forward this year and to allow myself to be renewed.

New Year, New You

The beginning of a new year always brings questions and challenges. We read statuses about "New Year, New You" and have conversations about who we want to become. We think through the all of the good times and the mistakes that we have made in the previous year. We take all of that only to start over new and wipe the slate clean. As the reminders have been strong around me over the past few days, I too have been thinking about what 2017 will bring.

To be completely honest, 2016 wasn't the greatest nor was it the worst. It definitely brought some challenges and at times I was knocked down, but I also had some pretty great times. The past couple of days have really challenged me and have challenged me in who I really want to be in 2017. I don't want to become someone new, but I do want to continue to grow in who I am. 

Here's what 2016 taught me:

Family is important. I care about my family and I appreciate them, but to be honest I haven't always been the closest to them. During the past year, I truly started to understand the importance of my family. Last year challenged me to be more of a support in my family and to be strong when it was hard for others to be. It challenged me to be there even when being there was the last thing I wanted to do.

Grace is necessary. Relationships are messy. As we get older, the messier they seem to get. We hurt others and are hurt by those who care for us. We break hearts and get ours broken. We have arguments and say things that we don't mean. The reality is that in the midst of all of the pain that we put each other through, we need grace. We need to show grace to each other and we need to show grace to ourselves because in the end those relationships that we fight for are worth it. 

Give grace, but speak truth. Being gracious doesn't mean not being honest. Be honest about what truly happened. Be honest with yourself about how you are hurting yourself. Be honest about telling others how you feel. Speak truth in order to give grace, grow, and move forward. We all need to hear truth in the midst of struggle because that is the only way we will grow.

Don't disregard feelings. I struggle with not talking about things with people because I feel that I am burdening them. We all have those constant struggles that we go through and it is easy to push those aside. However, the reality is that we still need to be real about what is happening in our lives. Just because we have a reoccurring struggle does not make it any easier to handle. It reoccurs for a reason and there is a deeper root. We have to keep talking through them and being real about how it is affecting us. 

Here's to what I am going to do in 2017:

Continue to be a better sister and daughter. I want to continue to grow and be there for my family. I want to be challenged by my family and I want to make more memories with them.

Accept grace and give grace to myself. I want to continue to learn how to be gracious towards others, but I want to be able to more fully receive grace. I want to be able to own the mistakes I make and to give myself the grace I need to grow. I want to be able to accept grace from others and to see my true worth.

Be honest and communicate more often. I don't want to allow situations to get to the point where they break me or to a point where I hurt others. I want to continue to communicate more clearly with those who I am in community with but also be able to be vulnerable when necessary. 

Be real with emotions even when they seem stupid. I want to continue to learn how to embrace what I am feeling in order to grow. I want to grow in owning situations and learn how to better process through them. 

Last year started to shape me into a better human and I want to continue to become a better version of that person. I have set the typical resolutions, but these are goals that I really want to continue in 2017. I don't want to start over, I want to become better. Here's to the new year.

The Plague of Anxiety

Anxiety is a beast that I have yet learned to tame. It is unpredictable and sneaks up at the worst possible times. It’s not always triggered by the same things and it completely cripples its victims. Needless to say it is the worst.

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life but it’s recently been a topic of conversation. I usually keep my anxiety to myself and don’t talk through it. I have found in the past that it is hard to talk through with people who don’t struggle with it. They always want to make it better or make it go away when it just doesn’t work that way. Because of this reaction I get more anxious to talk about it which in return gives me panic attacks and makes the whole situation worse.

As I was talking to a friend yesterday she told me that she is fearful of how I do not show my anxiety when it is having an affect on me. My normal response was that I have to keep it under control and by letting it show is letting it control me. I have justified that by not talking through it or by keeping it on the down low that I am controlling it. However, the more that I process this the more I realize that I am letting anxiety control me. I am letting my fear of reactions control the way that I handle the situation or even the way that I let it affect me.

The reality is that our society doesn’t allow for the normalcy of anxiety. We deem anxiety and depression as some kind of abnormality. Despite the multitude of conversations that have come up in the past couple of years, there is still a stigma about this issue that does not allow humans to be who they are in the midst of their struggles.

Our culture does a good job of trying to find the root of these issues, but as a Christian woman who struggles with both anxiety and depression I want to be very honest about what does not help. It does not help to have someone ask you about if you think it could be spiritual warfare. Yes, I have thought through this and yes I think that it plays a factor into my mental health but it is not the root of the issue. It is not solely resting on my relationship with God or with the amount of time I spend in the Word. Instead of harping on the spiritual warfare and how it must be satan that is doing this, pray for those who have anxiety and depression. Be encouraging with the Word.

It does not help to remind us of how we should go see a counselor or therapist. Chances are that we have tried this or we aren’t at a point where we feel comfortable going. The reality is that sometimes we just need those around us to hear us and to be there. This doesn’t mean finding a solution to what is wrong, but it means to be a good friend who is caring and loving. Sometimes it means just giving us a hug or an encouraging word because we need to know that we aren’t alone.

Finally, it does not help to hear that it will get better. It might get better in the future, I am not discounting that, but it might not. This may be something that we struggle with for the rest of our lives. We understand that it might be something that will always be hanging over our heads. Of course this isn’t ideal, but it is reality. The truth is that we need our friends and family to understand this as well. We know that those who surround us want it to go away as much as we do, but we need the support of reality. We need to have people around us not try to understand what we are going through but just to understand in general.

This isn’t meant to sound negative or cynical but is an honest post about what I have been struggling with. I think that I struggle more with it because people look at anxiety and depression as being fearful and sad. It’s hard to recognize it as more than just that and realize that it is an illness. However, in the midst of all of this I do find joy and happiness. I do not let this destroy my life and not let me live, but some days are harder than others. My challenge to all humans is to start hearing out the words of those who struggle with this. Don’t be a fixer, but be a listener. Allow people to have a place to put their trust and a place that helps them to feel safe. Don’t be afraid to voice concerns, but know the audience you speak to. Most of all, don’t downplay the reality of anxiety and depression.

10

Two days ago I was sitting with my family and my father had mentioned that he was asked to be interviewed for the 10 year anniversary of the Taylor accident. There was frustration in his voice as he talked about it and he responded with, "they all want to remember it when there are a few of us who are just trying to forget." The pain and the frustration in my father's comments made this year's anniversary harder for me than in the past. 

In all honesty I don't want to forget the accident and to the reality is that I will never be able to forget the accident. It changed my life forever and has shaped me into the human being that I am in. However, the pain that my father has gone through within these ten years has brought me to a place where I am fearful to talk about it. Part of me feels dumb to continue to grieve after ten years and another part feels that for my father's sake I should forget it. 

Throughout the day yesterday, I did not have much processing time or reaction to the accident. As the day went on there were more and more posts and texts that came in that eventually brought me to a breakdown point. We recognize the event as we have gone through life and everyone has moved on. We have grown and we have been through life, but I don't feel like it was ten years ago. I feel like everything happened yesterday and my life is continuing to be impacted by it. A lot of our lives are being impacted by it day after day. It's hard to believe that it was ten years because it has felt more like one day. 

I don't want to forget this day ever happened and I want to continue to remember it. I would love to forget some of the pain, but the truth is that through the pain I have grown. Ten years later and I am still learning from the lives of the people who died that day. I am grateful for the interactions that I did have during their times at Taylor. I am grateful for the people that they had become at that time and how they impacted so many lives around them. I am grateful for how they taught me to love others and that everyone in my life that I come in contact with is important. I am grateful to grieve because grieving means that there was meaning in that accident. 

The accident still challenges me in the goodness of God. Even when I don't want to listen or when I am trying to run away, he continues to speak through this event. I have seen what he has done through this and what he continues to do. Here's to ten years of remembrance and to those lives who have had such an impact on who I am today.

Lies of a Stranger

Not too long ago I was on my way to meet a few of my friends for dinner when something so odd and a bit hurtful happened to me. I was stopped at a stoplight and this woman looked at me and said, "Oh my God, what happened to you? I feel bad for your parents." As anyone would be, I was a bit taken back by this comment. I didn't really know how to respond aside from just saying, "excuse me?" That is when she responded with, "You are really ugly."

The truth is that I don't try to hard to be the most beautiful human in the world. To be quite honest I often envy my friends for how gorgeous they are but at the same time outer beauty has never been something that I value too highly. I value being comfortable in my skin and living life the way I was created to be. That has never been something that has been hard for me to do because I find such high value in human beings. However, these words brought me down and brought me down hard.

There is one part of me that realizes that the human being who said this to me does not know me. She does not know my life or what I do for a living. She has absolutely no clue who I am or who I aspire to be. Then there is the human part of me that realizes words hurt. This woman may not know me, but she still took a hard punch at me. The truth is that I can be the most confident human being in the world but I still have fears of how the world sees me. I don't want to be viewed as the most beautiful human in the world but I also don't want to be called ugly. The truth is that words hurt and they can really do damage to the soul.

This situation hasn't ruined my life or brought me down every day, but it has challenged me a little bit. It has challenged me in what I value and in who I am to an extent. The truth is that I still struggle with comparing myself to the other women in my life and even those who I have never met before. I constantly struggle with not being as beautiful or talented as them. The moment that I start having those thoughts is when I hear this woman's resounding voice in my head.

This scenario has been much more real lately as I hear all of my guy friends talk about all these smoking hot girls. They talk to me about my friends and how beautiful they are. I have always been one of the guys in these situations. They feel comfortable telling me how great all my friends are and how they would love to go on dates with them while I am left here thinking, "Why don't they notice anything about me? Why is it always someone else?" I sit there hoping that maybe they will throw a compliment my way instead of telling me why everyone else is so great.

In no way am I saying that I am not beautiful or that I don't have things going for me, but I will say that my pride has been hurt a little bit lately. The struggle of trying to find myself in the midst of constant lies is definitely real. The reality is that I continually have to remind myself of who I am and the woman that I am growing into. That constant reminder is exhausting and sometimes even unbearable, but to fully give up is even more exhausting. There will be many challenges and fights about who I really am, but I am confident that I can overcome and win those battles.

The Fear of Being an Adult

When I was a kid I wasn't much of a fearful child. There were never any monsters under my bed or in my closet. The trees outside during the storm were always trees to me never any giants trying to get in to take me away. The fears of a child were illogical to me even with my never ending imagination. Clearly I was afraid of things, but fear itself was never something I was familiar with. There was always a logical explanation and through that explanation any ounce of fear disappeared.

Today I still don't fear much, but fear has definitely become more of a reality to me. It's not of anything dumb like spiders or snakes but I have a great fear of loss. I don't fear natural loss but I do fear losing what is closest to me. I fear what is not logical or what I cannot make sense of. I fear the things that I have no control over and the pain that comes along with those situations.

Over the past few weeks this has become more and more real to me. I have been walking in the midst of fear and have been paralyzed by it. This fear has taken me to a place where I do not have any words and have no ability to communicate. It keeps me from being able to truly see what is going on in the world around me and has stopped me in my tracks. The worst part of all of it is that I don't really know how to overcome the fear right now. I don't know the best way to talk about it or to work through it. All I know is that I hate this feeling more than anything else in the world.

A few weeks ago I found out that a person who is dear to me has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first heard the news I was in shock. After the shock had worn off, I went through the the typical stages that I go through when I am in a time of crisis. First, I made sure that everyone else was dealing with it and helped them through their thoughts and feelings. Then, I removed myself from everyone else and tried to "handle" it and "be strong" just like always. Finally, I hit the point of where I am at now where I see the importance of processing, but have no idea how to.

The final stage of crisis for me is where all the fear kicks in. I am fearful of talking about it but also about not talking about it. I am fearful of all the possible situations and not knowing outcome. I am fearful of not feeling any pain at all and being numb. These are the fears that we start to face as adults. We start to realize that the world around us is real and that there is true pain in the world. It is at times like these that I would give anything to have childish fears. I would do anything to come face to face with the monster under the bed or the angry tree that lives outside my window, but that just doesn't come with adulthood. As for now I must grab my shield and my sword and go at life with everything I've got because these fears aren't going to back down and I'm never going to let them destroy me. Here's to fighting on and moving forward.

Ownership

I am rare from my friends when it comes to communication especially with emotions or feelings. I have no issue talking through situations or telling others that how a specific situation makes me feel. When it comes to this, I am definitely the black sheep out of all the humans that I hang out with.  However, it’s who I am and through it I am continually growing.

One way that I have been growing in this lately is through understanding the concept of ownership in relation to emotions, thoughts, and ideas. There have been a few scenarios this year where I have started to lose myself because of my lack of taking control or owning up my own situations. I am not just talking about my actions or how I have responded in a situation, but I am talking about not letting other people take control when it is not their place to be in control.

It is easy as human beings to allow others to take control in situations. We don’t like conflict and we don’t like to be in scenarios where we are uncomfortable. In some cases this isn’t an issue, but it definitely can become a problem. We let what others do or don’t do to us control the way that we respond or react. We don’t want to respond in a certain way because we don’t want to hurt them. We stop looking out for ourselves because it isn’t comfortable or because it challenges us and to be honest we would rather not deal with it. When we allow others to take control of situations and we don’t own up to what we should, we are no longer in control of our own emotions or feelings.

It might seem like an easy way out at the time, but the reality is that we are greatly disadvantaging ourselves from an opportunity of growth. We have to be real and we have to be honest about what is actually on our minds. Silence does nothing but sets us back and keeps us from becoming who we were meant to be. We learn and grow through community and community only happens through communication.

All these thoughts seem a bit jumbled and mix matched, but all I want to say is that our thoughts and emotions belong to no one else. We owe it to ourselves to take ownership of what is truly ours. No one else deserves to hold that over our heads. Here’s to being real and to being challenged.

Process and Progress

This time of year is never easy for me and I often times get upset that it still isn't getting easier. It has been almost nine years since my world was turned completely upside down. The truth is that some great things came with that but with the great also came some giant suitcases that I am still lugging around today. To carry this load for nine years has been exhausting and to be quite honest it sucks. However, every time I think that I have gotten rid of part of the load it's just filled in again with something else.

I wouldn't be shocked if my friends get sick of me around this time of the year. I get sick of me around this time of the year. Next Sunday (April 26th) is the nine year anniversary of the Taylor van accident. On the night of April 26, 2006, there was a van of nine people heading back to Taylor from Taylor Fort Wayne and a semi going northbound crossed the median into the van. Out of the nine people, five were proclaimed dead on the spot. 

As time has gone on, I have healed from the grieving of friends and people that poured into my life but as time has gone on more things have been uncovered that I have to work through. It was one of the hardest times of my life to go through the loss of people that I looked up to and that poured into me in their own ways. The grieving of the loss of people was definitely something that took time and I was challenged by, but I never thought past that. I never thought of my family's involvement and the affect that it would have on us as a family. I definitely never thought that it would be something that I was struggling with nine years later.

The truth is that the accident itself changed my family in such a radical way. Before all of this happened my relationship with my father was terrible. I resented him for not being enough in my life and for always pouring into the students at Taylor way more than I felt he was pouring into me. That night he had been following behind the van but stopped off at the exit before he got home which pushed him further back. Had he been following them he could have been killed himself or witnessed something that would have scarred him even worse. This was a dramatic mood change for me in regards to my father. I could have lost him that night and even through all the resentment and pain I wasn't ready for that. This opened up a new road to recovery of a broken relationship and a lifetime of my own guilt that I had to sort through.

Aside from the relationship with my father, the accident changed the way that my family was in general. Before the accident, my dad loved his job at Taylor but because of the accident lots of things changed at Taylor. There were a lot of position changes in the administration that changed because of it and happiness for my father was very few and far between. Parts of the institution that always felt like a family to me were no longer filling that role in my life or in my own family. There was bitterness that was built up and that was passed on. To this day there is still bitterness when the subject comes up and it honestly is the most draining thing to go through. I love Taylor and I love the experiences that I had there, but sometimes that's hard to separate through the pain that I am still dealing with through this.

People always say that it gets better with time. That's not always the case. Things can be better with time, but the truth of the situation has to be admitted along with the desire to fix it. The truth is that the reason that parts of this time are still so intertwined in my life is because there is still bitterness wrapped up in the pain. There are things that I need to forgive, but forgiveness is easier said than done. This night changed my life and without it I can't say that I would have ever came to God, but it also is still a process for me. It's still changing me and it is still a challenge around this time. They say that it takes about seven years to grieve for one person and I have five along with the struggles of a family. Every year I know that I am one step closer to the closure and the end of the process, but I know that I have a long way to go. 

Confidence as an Adult

Most people would say that I am a confident human being. As I have thought more about it, I too would say that I am a confident human. I am confident that I can accomplish great things, but I am also confident that others can accomplish greater things. I am confident that I will find love one day, but I am more confident that everyone else will find love before me. I am confident in who I am, but I am more confident in who those are around me. I am a confident human being, but I am confident in all the wrong things.

This hasn't always been the idea in my head, but it seemed to be a developing thought as I got older and became an "adult." The reality of the matter is confidence as a child looks much different than it does as an adult. Children are allowed to show vulnerability and are allowed to be honest about how they truly feel. Once we hit adulthood the idea of vulnerability is thrown out the window. We have to be put together. We have to have an idea of where we are going. We cannot let others see our weaknesses. We will not be consoled for the lack of confidence that we have and often times are stomped on because of it.

The truth of the matter is that I do have a great group of friends that surround me and build me up. However, I feel that there are those certain areas of my life that I lack confidence in still. There are plenty of areas where I have continued to fail and building confidence up after that seems almost impossible. I look around and see how those who surround me are so put together and have everything in order and it brings me down a little bit each time.  I feel like I can't be open and talk about these things because it's not something that we do as adults. We don't talk about our fears of never finding the love of our lives or never fulfilling our dreams. If we talk about these things, we are weak and we haven't truly hit adulthood.

The question therein lies is how to remove the displaced confidence I have put on others and place it upon myself. The first challenge is always getting the problem verbalized, step one complete. The next step is to make some changes to my own mindset. With that being said, I am going to take on confidence. It's time to go head to head with my fears and destroy this beast that has been destroying me for so long.

The 2015 Truth

As a year ends it is common for most humans to think of all the things that they want to achieve for the next year. New years brings new resolutions and new goals. This year I want to focus on rediscovered truths.

The first truth that I have rediscovered within the year of 2015 is true forgiveness means seeing people where they are truly at rather than where you want them to be. We all have our faults and we will all fail over and over again. We are human and that is a given. However, that does not mean that we do not set standards for those who surround us. We want what is best for those people who mean the most to us and we set the bar high.

The truth is that there is nothing wrong with setting the bar high, but there is a problem with having unreasonable standards when those achievements aren’t met. As we love and care for the people who mean the most to us in our lives it is important to know that they may not follow through with the commitments that they make to us. It is even more important to know that if we don’t communicate those standards that they definitely might not follow through with the unspoken. We can’t count on people to always read our minds and we have to be gracious in the times we are let down.

With that being said, as I walk into this year of 2015 the first truth that I have been reminded of is the truth of forgiveness. Forgiveness is possible in the midst of pain and necessary for the growth of our downfalls. We will never be able to grow with the other humans of our life if we do not learn how to forgive and especially if we do not learn how to forgive within the standards that we set for other people.

Here’s to another year and to learning about grace and forgiveness in a new light. It’s time to set aside all of those high standards and see people for who they really are. It’s time to grow within relationships and to be challenging with a humble heart. Let’s go truth 2015, I’m ready.

Cursed Blessings

"Our greatest passion coincidently is also our greatest curse." It is eerie how spot on these words were for me today. This has been one of the hardest struggles that I have encountered and it's been only more of a challenge in the past year. The truth is that I love my love for people, but there are times where I wish I could have control over that love for people.

We all have those gifts that we have been blessed with that often times we wish we didn't have. Mine just so happens to be the gift of empathy and to be honest it is such a burden most of the time. It's hard for me not to feel for the humans who surround me whether I know them or not. It's harder for me to not feel even deeper than they do themselves (or so it seems). It's this heart throb burden that I wish I could turn off but apparently I do not have a controller to do so.

As I had this conversation today, I was just continuing to think of the purpose of this gift that fills me up but also makes me so miserable at times. The reality is that it only frustrates me because the people who surround me do not think the same way that I do. They do not process the same way that I do and they don't quite understand this part of me. This has only sent me into the frustration of why I have been "blessed" with this. I can't explain it and often times it seems like I am just being a pansy who is emotionally unstable. I feel like some kind of freak until I have conversations like today where I realize that I am not the only one.

The conclusion that I have come to from this conversation today is that we often times feel like we are alone in our everyday struggles. This is a common conversation among most people, but that doesn't mean that it isn't continuously forgotten. Every single day I forget that I have other humans who are going through the same things or that struggle with the same thoughts that I do. Especially when it comes to the thoughts about this burden that is heavy on me. It is hard for me to talk about because I feel that it is worn down especially because I am a verbal processor (and an over processor at that) but my closest group of friends are not. However, even so, I am not alone. There are others out there who do think in the same way that I do and that is a comforting thought.

This whole thought process isn't a shot at my friends because I do have an incredible group of friends, but it is more so a thought through the human mind. We all have those things that we think we are alone with and we all are careful to speak of them, but the truth is that there are people to listen. It's the understanding of how to convey information and learning to work together through struggles. There is that tension of learning other people's communication skills while not losing how you communicate yourself. These gifts that we have been blessed with have purpose and meaning, but the truth is that they do suck sometimes. The goal now is to figure out what to do with them and where to go from here. My goal is to find purpose and joy even in the most burdensome times.

Spring Break: Life's Truth Serum

I never thought I would be one of those girls to be a part of a social media dating/hook up app. I have far too much pride and am far too scared of what others might think of me. However, these feelings ceased as the black hole some might know as loneliness started to suck me in. I got to a point where I wanted to be wanted or at least feel wanted and I did not care the means to get there. The obvious decision in my mind was to download Tinder and see what all the hype was about. The truth is that going into this self medicating situation was a bad idea and I knew it from the beginning.

The reality of my life is that I am surrounded by beautiful human beings. This isn't going to be one of those things where I get down on myself or make it seem like I don't see the beauty in myself, but I am just going to state the facts. I am surrounded by beautiful people and it is extremely hard to fight the comparison game. It's hard to look at them and see myself as an equal to them or that I will ever be as wonderful or beautiful as they are. Part of this is because when it comes down to it, there is a part of me that doesn't care to be. There is a part of me that likes being the "bro" in the circle of my guy friends, but there definitely the girl in me that wants to be wanted.

And then the app gods finally made this feeling of being wanted possible in such a "harmless" way and its name was "Tinder." At first it all started out as a game. I played it like the lottery or like the slot machines, it all was a game of luck. Then, I started to get matches. The first few I was quite impressed with, but then I continued to get match after match. It created this feeling in me that was exactly what I was desiring. I was searching for some sort of validation and this was exactly what I was feeling. Boys really did like me and they did want to get to know me. They paid attention to me and they had some sort of interest in me. Even though it was all virtual, it was real to me.

As the time went on, I only became to feel more shallow with this Tinder app. The cuter the matches were that liked me, the less likely I was to "swipe right" for a less cute one. I now had a scale to compare the others to and they better be good enough to make it on to the "match list." I was no longer finding validation in their matching of me, but instead was feeling only more powerful. My confidence continued to grow and I became more prideful within this. Finally, I noticed how much time this was taking up and that's when I got a swift kick to the face. I finally came crumbling back down to reality especially as I realized that I was finding my value in fake relationships.

It's not very often that I get that kind of attention from the opposite gender and the power was overwhelming me. However, it was also all fake. I wasn't actually getting real attention from these men and they only likes me based on a few photos and a few words. I was placing myself in a place to be judged in the most shallow of ways. I only was selling myself short because I knew how to manipulate the system to make guys "like" me. Aside from all of that, matching only leads to dumb decisions and dumb fantasies that lead to pain. When it comes down to it, is feeling "liked" worth it? It most certainly is not. If I can't pursue all yet hear things with a real live human in front of me, I am only opening myself up to pain.

With all this discovery only comes more challenges to loneliness. The first is trying harder to get over the comparison game. Sure, my best friends are beautiful human beings, but I can't let that play into the thought of my eon beauty. The second is finding confidence and being able to live independently within loneliness. Third of all, it is truly understanding that shallowness only leads to hollow feelings.  Being liked is nothing but a feeling when there is no substance to back it up. Here's to fighting all that BS and moving on.

The Truth of Love

There are times in our lives where we walk into situations that we know are going to be rough, but we didn't know that they were going to be this rough. The truth is that when we walk into those situations it is quite easy to have a positive attitude at first. However, as it goes on and our lives get harder, positive attitudes start to disappear. Positivity turns into apathy and annoyance. Hope disappears and escape plans are starting to be mapped out.

I have found myself in this place of apathy lately when it comes to a specific life scenario. God has brought someone into my life that isn't the easiest to love because of a myriad of reasons. As God is showing me what it looks like to love her, the devil is showing me why I shouldn't. My life is a real life tug of war between God and the devil and to be honest...the devil is winning. It's much easier to not love or to "surface love" a human being when times are rocky and that is what I am being pulled more towards.

However, as I read through the Gospels and even witness other human beings in my life, I see the truth of love revealed. First of all, God doesn't use clean people for his purpose. He uses those who are messed up and who have a past. The reason I acknowledge this is because when it comes to loving another human being it so easy for me to compare my life to theirs. The life they live may not be as clean as mine and I may mess up, but at least I don't mess up that much. This is the point where the humbling hand of God knocks me upside the head. Who am I to look at another human's life and think that God can do nothing with them? Who am I to look at their life and think that he is not doing anything with them right now? It's easy to have a skewed view of God's plan when we are stuck in our own minds of comparison. We must remember that we are all on the same scale and that nothing we do is bigger or lesser than that of other humans.

It is easy to lose hope in people when we see them continually make wrong decisions. We all continue to make wrong decisions. I continue to the same mistakes every single day even when those who love me tell me that I am in the wrong. Not only do the humans in my life tell me, but the Holy Spirit continually convicts me on my decisions. The truth is that even though I continue to mess up, I have a God who continues to love me and push me through that. Hope is not lost in my case and I should not lose hope in those "difficult" people in my life. If we have no hope in those around us that we care and love for, who will? And even more so, why should they have hope in themselves if no one else does? Hope is a simple thing to instill in another human beings life and to be real it doesn't always look like it's there at first, but it is. Hope is one of those things that takes a little bit of time to grow inside of a person because there is a great chance that it has never existed previously.

Love isn't an easy action all of the time nor is it meant to be easy. Love is continually challenging to the person extending and receiving. The truth is that until we allow ourselves to be humbled and to move past our own selfishness, we will never understand love. We have to look at the people (even the difficult one) who surround us and love them with a much deeper love. We cannot love through a human love, but only through the love of Christ. We all have our stories and we all have hit a sort of rock bottom, but we are continually loved. If we are continually loved, why should we not extend the favor? People will never change if we don't allow them to change. We only continue to chain them down with our lack in faith in them. With that being said, here's to a new challenge of true love...even in the hardest times.

A Passion for the Unseen

God bless my roommate for putting up with me and my passions about the human race. It seems as though whenever I tend to get heated about the mistreatment of humans or even the thought of it, she is the one who gets to hear it. I would not trade my passion for human beings for anything else in this entire world. More so, I would not change my quick to speak on behalf of others or even react when I feel that people are treated in an unjust way.

My passion and feelings toward the human race has been sparked again more recently. A week ago, my roommate and I were sitting in a coffee shop talking to one of the baristas about the “homeless dudes who are always yelling” outside of his apartment. He made some rude comment about homelessness in general and it had me extremely heated. Not only do I work with homeless people, but these are the men that my organization works directly with. It struck a pretty painful and irritating chord with me to say the least. Though this incident only left me heated for a little bit, it did start to reignite my passion for the powerless and voiceless.

Until recently, this passion hasn't died necessarily, but has been put on the back burner as I have fallen into the realities of life. I have become content with where I am at in my jobs and life in general. I haven't had any heated debates that have truly made my blood boil and in reality, I haven't even been that irritated with the human race. As dumb as it may sound, these are the things that keep my passion going and that really challenge me in my thinking. However, I haven't had to fight for anything lately, let alone anyone. To be quite honest, I was grateful for this conversation to happen because though it made me angry, it made me angry with good reason.

This past Friday, I really got a chance to allow myself to be fed in this way as I went to hear Steve Corbett speak on the impoverished and unseen people. It was so refreshing to be sitting in a room full of people who have the same desires and goals for the human race as me. It was even more refreshing to hear such a brilliant and compassionate man speak on a hope for the people who have been isolated from the rest of the world. As I sat in that auditorium, I felt full of life as I knew that this dream isn't over, but that it is continuing and in some ways beginning. 

Ramblings of a Missional City

Vision has been something that has felt so far away for such a long time. I understand that visions are something that ll human beings have, but the reality of the matter is sometimes we don't allow ourselves to see those visions. There is this disconnect between vision and heart that is a product of fear. If I am being completely honest with myself, I have allowed fear to stunt my vision growth greatly in the last year or two. I have allowed myself to believe that vision is nothing but a dream and unattainable dreams at that.

Had I not moved to Indy, my view on vision probably would not have changed. In fact, my view would have been more cynical and my heart hardened even more. Being in Indy has reignited my passion and my heart for God's people and for a Kingdom mindset. Vision is not just some dream that is unattainable anymore, but instead it is a goal that I am constantly moving towards. The brokenness that surrounds me does not bring me down, but instead it motivates me. It motivates me to find beauty and to move forward with the plans that God has called me to.

The reality of all this vision talk is that seeing a future for God's Kingdom does not mean to start big. Just like any other project the furthering of the Kingdom has to start small. Nothing becomes something overnight. This Kingdom can only be expanded through God and the people of God. It has to be through listening and then responding to the voice of God. And it can't be discouraged through the thought of "nothing happening." Our human minds can't handle i sometimes because we cannot see it, but God is working and he is moving forward with his Kingdom.

I have this desire and passion to bring together the people of God for the purpose of God. I would love to see borders crossed and walls broken down to help those that God loves most. The truth is that we have so many churches with people who have beautiful hearts for God and why not work for the same goal? The vision that has been given to me is for us to bring together our skills and work toward expanding the Kingdom of God in our cities. Specifically, how can we bring our own skill sets together and help those who do not have voice to speak for themselves? Spiritual hunger is not only fed through church and scripture, but it is through the love of Christ. The love of Christ is not given only through conventional evangelism, but through tangible concepts as well. Find the need and then pull together a network of people to accomplish the goal of fulfilling the need.

Vulnerability Within Inadequacy

Often times when I am going through Spiritual warfare, I imagine myself being the "patient" in the Screwtape Letters.  I imagine myself in these battles as I am starting to win how the Devil is only plotting his next move. I suppose it is a strange thought to find myself in the middle of fake conversations between demons in a book written by C.S. Lewis, but minds have to be imaginative every once in a while.

The latest battle that I have been dealing with is being an inadequate human being. This is an odd thing for me to admit as I appear to be fairly confident on the outside, but even I have to have human qualities I guess. The true battle that lies within this fear of inadequacies is allowing the Devil's lies to steer it rather than the truth of God. It's so much easier to hear the lies over the truth and convenience wins over challenge. At least that is what the enemy tells us and I have found myself following that more often than not lately.

The truth is that with transition comes new struggles, new challenges, or past ones that are revisited. Moving down to Indy has been a great thing for me and God has truly been working in me since I have been here. I have felt what it means to have the joy of the Lord within me again. I have rediscovered what passion is and have grown in my passions. However, as I have been growing, I have fallen into a spiritual battlefield. The great truths that the Lord has revealed to me are manipulated and twisted into the lies that the Devil wants me to believe. I have fallen into the comparison of myself with others down here in a wide variety of areas. I see greatness happening all around me and instead of being encouraged, I see how I have fallen short and I am not good enough. Allowing vulnerability for a defeat by the enemy.

This is where I have to start my own plan of counteracting the attacks that are thrown my way. I can either allow my flaws and short comings bring me down and fall into a pit of self pity or I can allow the Lord to work through those. Anxiety and fear have no place where the truth of the Lord resides and in this I can find true confidences. I am human and I do have flaws just like all of those who surround me who I compare myself to. Even with all of my imperfections and downfalls as a human being, I can have faith in the fact that God will strengthen me through those. I cannot be afraid of the pain that comes along with that process, but instead embrace it. Embracing flaws brings on a more complete picture of not only God, but the body of Christ that surrounds us. Here's to further challenges within 2013 and moving forward.

Naptown's Reminders

1. A Reminder of Joy

Over the past few weeks, I have rediscovered what it feels like to be overcome with joy. I would honestly say that this is a feeling that has been missing for quite sometime in my life. I have been happy and I have even seen glimpses of joy, but being overwhelmed with joy has been out of the question. However, through being in Indy and having the chance to really take a breath for the first time in a long time, I have found this sweet joy that I have been missing for so long. 

The truth of the matter is that happiness is nothing without joy. It's funny to think that I have been told that for so long, but it took a period of time without it for me to completely understand it. Now that I have felt joy again, I need to not take it for granted, but instead keep ahold of it. I need to keep ahold of it not only in the times that are happy, but also in the times that are rough. Joy is something that we all connect with happiness, but the reality of the matter is that joy comes from the Lord. This means that even in the toughest times, we can feel true joy if we are rooted in the Lord. 

2. A Reminder of True Community

 Community was something that was completely lacking in my life over the past year. I had a bit of a community in Muncie, but I only partially felt a part of it. I was going through some rough times that I had no one to really work through with me. Since being here in Indy I have not only been a part of one great community, but two great communities.

Going to Indy Metro has helped me to see what church community looks like. For the longest time I have forgotten the beauty of community within the church. My old church had it, but I never felt fully a part of the community. I have felt fully a part of the church since I first started going to Indy Metro two months ago. The group of people that I have met there have been encouraging, uplifting, challenging, and some of the greatest people that I have ever known. It's definitely been a blessing to be a part of a group where I feel like I can be real about life with them 

Aside from that I have found great community in the group of women that I work with at Starbucks. Since being here I have already seen God working in me through them. I have been able to be open and honest with them. I have already walked through struggle and challenges with them since being here. We have laughed together and cried together which is a weird thing for me to ever admit. The reality is that they have encouraged me and they have challenged me. They push for me to be a better person not only in the work place, but also in life. 

3. A Reminder of Passion

I haven't allowed my passion to truly come out in a while. I have felt that it's been stunted by my lack of joy or even lack of desire. I have been afraid to seek out my passion or to even feel it because I know how much it hurts when it's no longer there. Such a typical human reaction to lack of something to not seek it out because they won't want to lose it once it's there. Looking at that now I see how ridiculous that is, but I am human so I am quite ridiculous to begin with. 

Two weeks ago in my interview with Wheeler, my passion started to really be ignited again. Talking through things that I love and care for in the interview. Being open and honest about how excited I get when human beings start to see their true meaning stirred up something great in me. But to be completely honest, this was the question that was the actual game changer, "If there is one thing that you could tell these women, what would it be?" With that question, I felt the Spirit of the Lord come over me. This was the breaking point and it's about time.

My passion was restored as I answered with how my soul longs for people to see their true worth. I desire for the women that I come in contact with (and anyone else for that matter) to see themselves as God sees them. I desire for people to diffuse the lies of the world that are being thrown at them and to rise up and become who they were designed to be. I wish for all the hope that has been destroyed to be restored and for them to see that this can be a hopeful place. That within all of the darkness there is some bit of light that shines through. I wish for all people to see that in all the brokenness there is hope for something greater to rise up. 

It's through these three reminders that God has really pursued me since I have been in Indy. I have truly felt his presence and I have truly been challenged by his Spirit. It has been rough at times, but it has been amazing at the same time. The truth of it all is that I am starting to realize what it feel like to be alive again. It is something that has been so refreshing and I am so blessed by it. I am blessed by this time in my life and most of all by the people that God has put in my life.